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livsmom · Feb 11, 2008, 01:44 PM

First of all I know there have been a lot of questions like mine posted already but please bare with me anyway. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I am engaged to a wonderful man and we've discussed him legally adopting my 18month daughter, and her getting his last name. She has her biological fathers name now and yes he is listed on the birth cert. we were never married. She sees him every other weekend now, but we've not gone to court to establish visitation we've just done it ourselves so far, he also doesn't pay support because we've not involved the court. Does her bio father have to give up all rights in order for my fiancé to adopt her (once were married of course) and can her bio father stop us from changing her last name? We plan on getting married by the end of the year so it would be easier to adjust if the name was changed while she's still young, before school and everything.
Again any help is appreciated and I greatly thank you.

ScottGem · Feb 11, 2008, 01:55 PM

Yes, he does have to relinquish his rights to clear the way for adoption. And yes he can block the name change (which is a part of the adoption).

So I would approach him with this soon. If he won't allow it you can can try using the threat of child support for leverage. Also check your local laws. Many family courts will require your being married for a specified time before you can adopt.

livsmom · Feb 11, 2008, 02:11 PM

Thanks scott, I figured wed have to wait which isn't a problem, we just would really like for the 3 of us to share the same last name. Can we change her last name without her being adopted?

ScottGem · Feb 11, 2008, 04:33 PM

Not legally. However, you can use any name you want as long as there isn't an intent to defraud. Of course it may confuse her to have one last name when she's with you and another when she's with the bio dad.

jp242 · Feb 11, 2008, 05:07 PM

I think whether you can change your child's name is really dependent upon which state you are in. I found something interesting in Mass. For example. A custodial parent may petition to change the child's name and needs to send the petition to the non-custodial parent via certified mail. If the non-custodial parent objects, the court will determine what is in the best interest of the child. Circumstances such as whether the non-custodial parent pays child support, sees them regularly, etc. I honestly do not think because you are getting remarried is a valid reason for a name change in the courts eyes.

As for adoption of your child by your soon to be husband, as Scott said, this cannot happen until the biological father (or the father on the BC) relinquishes all parental rights. I would guess that the father here would not agree, seeing as how he is a part of your child's life.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but your new husband can have a wonderful role in your daughter's life. I have both a step-mom and step-dad and am close to both. Their titles are just that, what I feel in my heart for them is much more important.:)

macksmom · Feb 12, 2008, 08:39 AM

As the others have said, adoption and legal name change all have to be consented to by the biological father to happen.

As child Scott said, unfortunately child support is good leverage to use. You could approach the bio father asking him for the adoption and name change and if he says no, you could inform him that you will be filing for child support (which you should do anyways).
My daughters bio father just agreed last weekend to relinquish his parental rights to our daughter and allow my husband to adopt her... and I know child support was the main issue. I have a child support order on him (he has 2 other kids with 2 other women, and neither of them have orders so I am the only one that causes him "problems").

You could also offer what I did, and still allow the bio father to see the child if the child chooses (however this is easier for me since my child is 6 and can tell me whether or not she wants to see him).

But the bio father holds the ball as far as the adoption and name change go... so you need to start with him.

mafiaangel180 · Feb 12, 2008, 08:58 AM

How can him not paying child support be used as leverage? If you haven't taken him to court over it or pressed the issue, wouldn't that appear that you had no problem with it? You are lucky that he wants to see his child, most dads don't even do that.

ScottGem · Feb 12, 2008, 09:12 AM

Just because a custodial parent hasn't pressed for child support in the past doesn't mean they have ceded the right to do so. There can be many reasons they haven't done so. And, yes, its possible that doing so now might be perceived by the court as blackmail to force a TPR. But that it's a tactic used frequently and is often the only leverage the custodial parent has.

macksmom · Feb 12, 2008, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

How can him not paying child support be used as leverage? If you haven't taken him to court over it or pressed the issue, wouldn't that appear that you had no problem with it? You are lucky that he wants to see his child, most dads don't even do that.

The fact that he is not paying child support is letting him "have his cake and eat it too"... he should be paying support for his child regardless of what they have "agreed" on. The support is for the well-being of the child... not for the convience of the parents.

Sadly, child support pushes many parents away from owning up to the responsibility of having a child. All they see is money coming out of their paycheck.
By simply filing for child support, that could be enough to make the bio father want to sign away his rights and allow his child to be adopted so he won't have to pay support.

It is a very common thing.

My daughter is 6. Her father owes over $3,000 in back support and currently pays $300 a month. He has 2 other children by 2 other women, but none of those women have taken him to court for child support... so he pays them what he wants, when he wants. I am the only one who has a court order so his drivers license has been suspended numerous times for non payment and he was recently found guilty of contempt of court for not keeping up with his payments... the next time he misses a payment it is an automatic 30 days in jail. Not to mention he has stopped filing taxes because I get all his tax returns until his back child support is caught up. He hates that child support is hanging over his head. He mentioned that he wouldn't even be able to switch jobs because it would cause him to miss a payment and he would go to jail.
When I proposed that he relinquish his rights and allow my husband to adopt my daughter, I pitched the fact that child support would stop, that I would ask the courts to forgive all the back child support, and he would be able to file his taxes and HE would get his return. I figured he would say "no" and then go home and think about it... but he said "yes" on the spot. All he sees is dollar signs, and sees him signing away his rights equals more money in his pockets.

That's how child support can be used as leverage.

mafiaangel180 · Feb 12, 2008, 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by macksmom

The fact that he is not paying child support is letting him "have his cake and eat it too"...he should be paying support for his child regardless of what they have "agreed" on. The support is for the well-being of the child...not for the convience of the parents.

Sadly, child support pushes many parents away from owning up to the responsiblity of having a child. All they see is money coming out of their paycheck.
By simply filing for child support, that could be enough to make the bio father want to sign away his rights and allow his child to be adopted so he won't have to pay support.

It is a very common thing.

My daughter is 6. Her father owes over $3,000 in back support and currently pays $300 a month. He has 2 other children by 2 other women, but none of those women have taken him to court for child support....so he pays them what he wants, when he wants. I am the only one who has a court order so his drivers liscense has been suspended numerous times for non payment and he was recently found guilty of contempt of court for not keeping up with his payments...the next time he misses a payment it is an automatic 30 days in jail. Not to mention he has stopped filing taxes because I get all his tax returns until his back child support is caught up. He hates that child support is hanging over his head. He mentioned that he wouldn't even be able to switch jobs because it would cause him to miss a payment and he would go to jail.
When I proposed that he relinquish his rights and allow my husband to adopt my daughter, I pitched the fact that child support would stop, that I would ask the courts to forgive all the back child support, and he would be able to file his taxes and HE would get his return. I figured he would say "no" and then go home and think about it....but he said "yes" on the spot. All he sees is dollar signs, and sees him signing away his rights equals more money in his pockets.

That's how child support can be used as leverage.

Good point.

My friend's parents had the best arrangement I've ever seen. There was no child support being paid. The kid lived with one parent for one week/weekend and the other parent for another. Which is good, because too many dads are parttime fathers.

ScottGem · Feb 12, 2008, 10:24 AM

That's a great arrangement but not always practical. What if the parents lived in different school districts?

mafiaangel180 · Feb 12, 2008, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

that's a great arrangement but not always practical. What if the parents lived in different school districts?

You are right, it's not practical if that is the case. But if both parent's live in the same school district, I think it would be worth a shot. (Growing up, most of the divorced parents I know seem to live within 10 miles of each other including my own parents.) If the parent lived outside of the school district (meaning not too far) they could drive the child.

macksmom · Feb 12, 2008, 04:38 PM

Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Good point.

My friend's parents had the best arrangement I've ever seen. There was no child support being paid. The kid lived with one parent for one week/weekend and the other parent for another. Which is good, because too many dads are parttime fathers.

Yes, of course, that is the ideal situation for any child, but as Scott said... not always a possibility.

For example, my daughters bio father and I live an hour apart. There would be no way that would ever had worked in our situation. But then again, even when we lived 10 minutes apart he didn't show any interest in her... so the best thing for my child is having my husband adopt her because in my daughters eyes he is her real daddy.