[abnormal_99]

To set the scene: I am 19, my boyfriend is 22 (next month) we have been seeing each other for about 2 months. From the very start he expressed his high sex drive, which did freak me out a little. He constantly talked about sex, but I tried to let it go over my head, as he has so many other lovely qualities. He is really caring and thoughful, and always wants to be with me and is always ringing or texting. We spent loads of time together and after what I'm guessing is a little persuasion and me wanting it as well we slept together after a month (which was never my ideal timing, but it happened) ever since he has wanted sex everyday and if I give the impression I don't want it, or say no, he goes a bit funny. I can cope with the sex I mean I have a very low sex drive and could easily be without it, but recently he expressed his sexual desires, which is basically dirty sex including dirty talk, dressing up, moans and groans, lots of touching, playing with myself, dirty positions, bondage, watching porn, and ejaculating in my mouth and face (this basically horrified me) I'm not at all dirty and basically put me off him.

This weekend we have been away and he asked for dirty sex, lingerie, stockings etc, and I gave it him, I didn't talk dirty but I did the rest, but it really turns me off, I don't like it in the slightest. All weekend I just wanted to be back home with my family, back to my old life, no boyfriend, no constant texting, seeing my mates again. But at the same time in the past two months I've become attached to him and the thought of losing him upsets me a lot as I will miss the cuddles, the holding hands, the feeling of being wanted and loved.

I know this sounds like so straightforward and a bit like well why have you written this if you know what you want, but basically I have never been in a relationship before, I don't know whether dirty sex is every lads dream. Basically if it is I don't want to throw away what I have with him if it's a common thing, but at the same time, I think even if I talk and tell him how I feel, he is always going to have that high sex drive and want the dirty sex that I will never feel comfortable giving him.

Please help, I don't know if he is taking advantage of me, as he keeps saying he's surprised when I allow him to do dirty things sexually to me even if I don't want them, which makes me think others have said no to him, but if I say no he goes funny with me.

Please help, opinions etc would be great, ill answer any questions!

[HistorianChick]

to set the scene: i am 19, my boyfriend is 22
...... but if i say no he goes funny with me.

Honey, you're too young to feel this kind of pressure. If you say "no" it should mean "No."

Don't be pressured into doing something you don't want to do, especially with sex. He has no right to force you to do something you don't feel comfortable doing.

[kp2171]

We all have been in the place where we haven't done something sexually... and at some point we might consider something we haven't done and try it. Sometimes we are uncertain about it or a little uncomfortable.

That's fine.

Its even fine that he seems to have a mad sex drive. Pretty normal for a young guy, who probably hasn't experienced some of the things he's talking about. We are idiots like that.

All that said... you are not comfortable here and you know it. And I don't think the mental stress is something you should be dealing with.

Communication about sex is really a healthy thing. But it has to have some balance. You are feeling pressured and that's not the way to be.

If he gets hurt feelings because you aren't interested in some of those things, OK.

I'm not going to say he's an awful person cause he has a sex drive. I'm not going to say he's terrible because he has fantasies hed like to see realized.

You two are on the same planet, but different worlds when it comes to sex.

My advice is simple. Don't do anything you don't want to do and don't put up with being treated poorly or guilted because he throws a hissy fit. If this strains the relationship, it was already strained... you were just covering it up by relenting.

I think both partners should be sexually satisfied. If that means, for you, little or no sex... that's your call. Your life. Your body.

If that means he needs to find someone more in line with what he wants, that's his call.

We do enough things to screw our heads up about sex. Rushing into something or being pressured into something you don't like or want can not only affect you now, but it can affect later relationships.

Its nice when you can satisfy your partner sexually. That doesn't mean you should sacrifice your mental health for his whims. Again, he's not a "bad guy" cause he's turned on and interested in things that you aren't... but sounds like he might be a "bad guy" cause he pressures you too much and then acts like a 5 year old who didn't get his candy when he's denied.

So... are the cuddles worth the emotional stress? Only you can decide that.

[klutzzz11]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Especially stuf like bondage and ejaculation in your mouth and face. Not every guy is like that. Maybe a little kinky, but definitely not this forceful, and it definitely shouldn't affect their mood because you say no. You need to talk to him. Because if you do things you don't want to do, you're eventually going to just burst and be like no, you can't take this forever. So talk it out now, and maybe he'll understand. Express how its turning you off completely. If he doesn't understand, then you probably need to be more firm

[kp2171]

Its nice to feel wanted and loved.

Don't let those feelings get in the way of your emotional health. Its not worth it.

I understand you've become attached. I understand there are reasons you are with him and have considered trying to please him. OK.

I think you aren't ready for the stress and I think he might be too immature to take "no" for an answer.

[abnormal_99]

Thanks a lot for getting back so quickly it means a lot.
My post was long, but there was a lot I missed out, basically he can quite quite funny over a lot of things, and this weekend I've found him to be quite patronising, and treating me as if I'm thick, all weekend I've just longed to be home. I've felt trapped and very emotional as in I even cried and as I couldn't hold back and blamed it on my eyes watering. He makes nasty comments like I'm not very cuddly in bed, but that's because your not used to it (which is patronising) and this morning he said he had two wanks in the night (is this me, because I'm innocent and not dirty, but I just think that's weird when I'm next to him? )
Another thing I noticed is although I'm attached and love the feeling of being wanted, this weekend has proved we can't really hold a conversation, unless its over text about sex or dirty messages. There's been a lot of awkward silences.
I think this basically proves what my minds already chosen, even kissing him turns me off now, as I've told myself its got to end. This weekend I have paid for everything, he just says come on now cough up, or babs I've got no cash, pay will you. I think he's walking all over me, as I can't say NO and I don't express my opinions as I'm scared of him going off in a mood. But at the same time, this weekend (whether he realised) as he said the silences made him nervous and insecure but all today he's been saying how much I mean to him, and how much he loves me for who I am, I'm kind, caring, and how he needs me and begged me not to leave him, which makes me feel even worse if and when I do end it. Sometimes I think he can be too arrogant as he comes out with oh aren't I so fit, and he walks round like he owns the place. Yet sometimes he's so lovely, like with my parents and family and friends and to people in the steets and we have the same views and morals in so many ways, but its just sex and a few other issues. And I just don't know whether to grin and bare it and give him kinky sex or whether to throw away everything, but I think I need to go with the latter as I can never see it working long term, as I will never be kinky like he REALLY wants, I don't like sending dirty texts, I don't like the way he's obbsessed with porn and I feel sometimes he doesn't really have anything on his mind other than getting me in lingerie and pleasuring himself!

[HistorianChick]

Repeat after me... "No." Or, "I'm sorry, but no."

Oh, and by the way... You're not "throwing away everything," you just now know what you don't want and don't like! Now, go find that special guy that will treat you like a Queen... in and out of bed!

[abnormal_99]

I'm worried that if I ditch him I won't be able to find someone who has a similar unbringing to this guy (same as me) has same views and morals, with a little sex drive or is happy with love making sex, not dirty sex. It doesn't come natural for me to have sex everyday even if my parents are in the house, and speak dirty and dress up etc.

Are there guys out there who would respect my opinions? Or am I abnormal. My boyfriend makes me feel abnormal he says I'm very different from other girls and says well my ex let me do this etc etc. its offputting!

Thanks fors all your help, if I do dump him, I think I need time, I'm not sure I'm ready for such commitment, he's already talking about the future and kids and getting a house. But I have different morals, no moving in before marriage.

To be honest what worries me is I enjoy being by myself and with my family. Spending all day everday with him and if I'm not with him texting him is too much, I never see my friends, or family and I never have time to relax by myself. I think I need to leave it, and focus on my uni, getting a good job, and hope I will find someone similar to me, who wants a bit of "own time and own space" as well as love and care etc.

Thanks guys!

[HistorianChick]

i think i need to leave it, and focus on my uni, getting a good job, and hope i will find someone similar to me, who wants a bit of "own time and own space" as well as love and care etc.

You just answered your own question. Listen to your heart!

And yes, there are guys out there like that... Don't settle!

[EuRa]

i will miss the cuddles, the holding hands, the feeling of being wanted and loved.

im worried that if i ditch him i wont be able to find someone who has a similar unbringing

Read what you wrote. You are more worried about having nothing and starting over from scratch than you are about being with the right person. That's problem number one.

Problem number two, you are a push over. No offense, but you are who you are. You need to love yourself and stand up for yourself. If it really bothers you, then tell him to f off.

If you let this continue, it will get worse and worse. What you've experienced already is what you haven't liked. Imagine how deeper it can go (Threesomes? Video? Pee? Etc). Some guys are like this guy. I like some of that stuff, not all of it. My closest friends are more normal, they just like the simple things. All guys are different.

Sex is a big part of the relationship, especially when 1 person wants what he wants, and you want the opposite. It's going to cause more and more problems, and if you wait to break up, it will be harder with every passing day. He won't change.

[kp2171]

While we hardly ever find a mate for life with no flaws at all, and all relationships require compromise, I think you are a little panicked.

I understand how you feel. Dated a girl for 7 years, 2 years HS, 4 college, 1 after... and when that relationship ended I was worried about not ever finding someone, worried about being alone, etc.

You need to get past that fear. Its normal to feel it, but its keeping you hostage in a relationship that isn't quite right. Its great he has a similar upbringing, its great your parents like him. Do you think theyd be upset about your leaving if they knew the truth??

So... a jerk probably has some good qualities, and great guys sometimes have some bad.

Don't stay in this relationship because its convenient or easier in the short term. Unless he has a huge change of heart, chances are he is always going to have many of these fantasies. He might be better able to deal with them in time without pressuring his mate, but still... if you stay with him, you are choosing this. You don't get to complain too much.

[mafiaangel180]

Well if it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. It seems that this is too much too soon for you. If he can't get over it or gives you some lame guy b.s. just walk away. He doesn't have to apologize for his high sex drive, and you don't have to apologize for your low sex drive. Just chalk it up to incompatibility.

[elena3117]

Honey relax! As others told you, you must not do something you don't want or don't like. All you have to do is an honest discussion with him. I understand that you don't want to lose him but if he cannot understand and respect your choices there is no need to waste your time with him. I hope to make the right decision and remember that in a relationship fun is for both not only for the one.. :)

[abnormal_99]

Thanks so much for all your help guys, and getting back so quickly, it really does mean so much.

I think after a longer thought tonight, I'm more worried about upsetting him, as he keeps telling me he loves me, he cares for me, he needs me, he can't live without me, and what if he REALLY means that, and I break his heart. I could not live with myself.

At the end of the day, I'm worried I'm abnormal, maybe dirty sex, dirty messages all the time is the norm. he makes me feel abnormal, I'm beginning to wonder if I am? But having sex everyday, coming in my mouth/face, sending dirty messages, talking about sex, wanting me to talk dirty when we are together just seems a little abnormal to me, in the way that come to hold a normal conversation, we really can't do it!

I worry what others think, I worry about upsetting others, I'm prepared to be walked all over, because I'm so insecure, but breaking someone's heart... im not sure if I'm prepared to do that, yet I don't want to be with him!

Can anyone help as to how I can break it to him

[kp2171]

You need to understand you are going to have your heart broken from time to time, and so is he.

You don't OWE him anything than the truth... and no, it may not be pretty, and yes, maybe he loves you in his own way... I've loved women I couldn't be with. It happens.

That does not mean you stay in a relationship that is bad like this is for you.

There is no better time in your life than now to understand sometimes you make tough decisions about love... there are people twice your age that still don't understand that and they are likely miserable.

So... when someone is going to walk all over you, you don't throw yourself under their boot.

Its simple. You always tell the truth. You can, of course, be tactful about how you break up. There are some things that you do seem to mesh on, but the relationship is far too intense, especially sexually, and you are not ready for this kind of relationship. That's the truth. Why lie??

If he presses you, you can explain that you don't think there's all that much in common, that you don't seem to be able to communicate outside of sexual tension (that you don't even enjoy) and again, you aren't ready for this kind of pressure or relationship.

He might get angry, he might cry, he might beg.

You have a decision to make. Are you willing to let yourself be manipulated into an unhealthy relationship (and it is at this point) or are you willing to sacrifice a little bit now to be better in the long run?

Please don't think you are "strange"... scour the threads here and you'll see all kinds of differences concerning sex and what is enjoyed.

Here's a point. I frequent the adult sex threads not because I'm an expert at anything, other than my experiences. Now, having been through a series of relationships, I have some experience now and id like to think that sharing that helps others. That said, when I was your age I wasn't even thinking about 2/3rds of the stuff he was talking about!

I think he's being extreme for your needs, and I think your needs are not out of whack.

Stop telling yourself you are abnormal. Sure... many guys will press for things they fantasize about... doesn't mean you are ready for it, and maybe you won't ever be. Or maybe in time you will feel like trying some other things out.

Sex should be enjoyed. Physically and mentally.

Please, please, please... don't let being afraid to hurt someone keep you from doing the right thing.

Do not allow yourself to be a person who submits to the desires of another when it doesn't make you happy. That will never make you happy.

Get out. Quick cut.

If others press you about what went wrong, tell them that you just felt too much pressure in the relationship. It's the truth.