[jealous_girl]

Today I had a very dramatic and emotional afternoon with my boyfriend. We met up at the mall, just to have a walk, to talk, etc.

Well, he's 22, and I'm 19. We've been together for 1 year and 4 months. We love each other very much, but there have been some issues. You see, we were introduced by a mutual friend. This mutual friend is actually an ex friend with benefits I had when I was 15. This ex friend forced me to kiss him around 4 months before starting the relationship with my boyfriend. I had also kissed some guys I had just met at some parties.

Six months into the relationship, and my boyfriend asks me the question I dreded the most: if I ever had had something with the mutual friend. I freaked, because my boyfriend is a very jealous man, and lied, I said no. But then he asked again, and I came clean. I also told him I had given this friend oral sex. He was mad, because he says that how could I have no respect for myself giving oral sex to a man I wasn't even dating. Well, he also dislikes the kissing with the strangers, etc.

We do have a very strong bond and usually have great times. He makes me really happy, and I make him really happy too. But today in the afternoon, we had like 4 arguments, in which I cried. I even tried to break up, and he also told me it'd be better if we broke up like 3 out of those 4 times. I want to be with him, and so does he. But we have problems discussing things calmly. Finally we made up and had a blast...

Well, I have always known that my boyfriend's father had abandoned him, his twin brother and his mom. But today, somehow the topic came up while we were eating, and after we finished and left the restaurant, and we were walking, he told me the whole story. He told me how his father hit them, how he beat them up, how he yelled at his mom and them... he left when my boyfriend was like 4 or 5 years old, because his grandfather (his mom's dad) couldn't take that behaviour anymore and kicked him out of the house. He didn't tell me, but I'm sure his father hit his mom too. My boyfriend hates his father for all the abuse. Well, he then turned silent. His eyes were like watery. I asked if something was wrong, he said he was OK. Then a few minutes later he couldn't take it anymore, and he started crying. I hugged him, he was crying so hard. He told me he had never told that to anyone, he says that made him an insecure man, and that by making me cry and being overly jealous, he thinks he'll end up just like his dad and that scares him because he doesn't want to be like his dad. I told him it was OK, that he's not a bad person, and that it's understandable he feels that way. That I love him, and will always be there for him. He says he feels down because he has hurt me so much, and that he thinks he'll end up just like his father... he was really, really sad, I had never seen him like this. He told me he had never ever told thid to anyone, and that his mom hardly ever talks to him about the subject, and that when he cried he was always alone.

I always knew he was jealous, and also sensed he was very insecure, though he tries to hide it. He usually bottles up a lot of emotions. How can I help him? He really makes me happy and I'm concerned... also because he feels like he's not worthy of me, that he doesn't deserve and because he thinks he's a bad person.

P.S: He was also cheated on by his first girlfriend, she cheated on him with his best friend.

[talaniman]

In light of your other posts, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2207147, I assume this is the same guy, so I think he needs to deal with his issues himself, and this is not a healthy relationship for you now.

[talaniman]

You should be dealing with your own issues, that need attention at this time.

[lavenderly]

Love involves showing concern. But that does not mean showing pity to a man who needs time to grow up. If you think you love him because he would be devastated without you, then you are in an unhealthy relationship already.

The hard fact is... men with abusive fathers are often seen hitting their wives. Your boyfriend could be having emotional tug-of-war right now. He knows what is wrong, yet he can't pull himself out of it.

A man who bottles up his emotions will one day burst out in anger. They will either take it out on their loved ones or on themselves (such as hurting himself physically or committing suicide). In fact, your alarm should have gone off by now, especially when you saw him broke down and cried.

It is indeed hard to distance yourself from a man who shares so much with u. His tears may melt your heart. His cries may make u forgive all his wrongdoings. But be alert gal... many abusive relationships start from one party giving in to the other thinking that the other person needs her so much that she should never ever leave him.

Your boyfriend needs counselling. Please seriously consider this as he is still young and is building his character. Once he makes up his mind, it is hard to convince him not to resolve matters the way his dad handled situations.

On your part... do be informed that moulding a person's character is a looooonnnng haul. If u used up your time on him, do not look back in life later regretting the amount of efforts u spent on a man who makes u sad and insecure.