[tylo]

I know this is a long, hard question to answer not knowing us but here's a little background:

I come from a reasonably normal family, my partners family are a bunch of idiots with violent tendencies, his father is not so much a problem as he lives away from us, but my partner cannot cut the ambilacle cord between him and his mother, she is completely ruining our relationship. She is nice to me and my family, but I know she talks about me when I'm not there.

My partner seems to think she is so fragile and constantly needs his presence, but he can't see (and others agree with me) that all her actions are intentional, she is a complete martyr, she will do anything to get his attention.

The annoying thing, he will drop me at any time for his mother, I know 'blood is thicker than water', but he's spending the rest of his life with me, not her surely?

Plus there's a brother that fits in there too, who is without doubt son no.2, I feel a little sorry for him, because his mother blatantly shows that the other son is better. He doesn't help himself though, he's a little thick, but has decided at 21, he'l stay at home and attend crappy college courses for the next 20 yrs, no ambition whatsoever, unlike his brother!

So that's his family, might I add the violence that both his parents are prone to, is not part of my partners character, thank god... to be honest... you wouldn't think he had come from that family at all.

My family... my sister can't stand my partner but then she has a problem with me too, I think she's bitter because I'm still having fun in life.

My parents both love him, but they just don't get him, like I don't either!

After 8 years together, living together for 4 of them, I have gone travelling, he hasn't minded, he's taken a job offshore, I haven't minded. He supports me to some extent, but he is massively money orientated. At this point we are trying to buy a house together, but we are struggling because a couple of years ago, he and his mother bought a flat together, for somewhere for her to live.

Fair enough, but I'm not happy about it now, because it means that we can't afford to buy our own house, yet she sits in her manor, she lives off my partners wages, he got a £10000 loan out to do work on the flat, and to spend a little on himself, his mother took it and spent the whole lot, don't know what on because there's nothing done to the flat!

Then my partner had to buy her and his brother a new flat screen TV and brand new computer! He won't even spend money buying a computer for himself!

Yes its obvious I hate the woman! She is ruining my life and my partner can't see it, in fact I think he can see it, he just refuses to agree about it. Im not allowed to talk about his family to him anymore.

This is how bad his parents are: they swore if the ever saw each other again, they would kill each other!
How do I have a wedding? It would turn into a crimescene!

The next problem is that I'm not completely convinced about our future, if he doesn't start separating a little from his mother I'm afraid she might just go over the top if we were to announce getting married, she might just realise that he's going to be with me... not her.

He also says things like,, I don't believe in marriage, but I think that is purely because of the bad and violent relationship between his parents, we have spoken about this and I think he's not taking the plunge because no-one else we know is in the same situation, all his mates are still chasing 18yr olds, with no careers (and they're in their late 20s), so to be the first is hard.

(he did also mention that the first person to get married out of him and his mates would have to pay £500 to each other mate, I don't know whether to take that seriously or not, or if he's taking that serious)

So this is our background, apart from the fact that we both say we want to spend the rest of our lives together and have accepted that.

So I have been mulling with the idea over the last 6 months whether we should get married! I wouldn't call it pressure, but there is certainly the idea of marriage being put forward from my parents, as they just want to see me settled.

They get angry with my partner because its hard to tell what his goal in regards to our relationship is, and obviously they are annoyed when I get upset or pissed off because he's dropped me for his mother again!

I don't want to make this sound like it's the most important thing, but my dad is getting older, he's had a stroke a few years ago, and since he has a bad leg which gets worse each year, I want my father to walk me down the aisle! Plus I want to be a young beautiful bride in my prime.

Please don't assume that's my reasons for getting married, I want to get married because I want to show everyone and myself and my partner that he's the one for me, and that will not change! All the other stuff is just reasoning for doing it sooner rather than later and I'm convinced we're both ready... 8 yrs ready!

I just wonder sometimes whether he is with me because its easy or that's want he wants, we're pretty relaxed with each other, we'v both put on weight and rarely get dressed up for each other anymore, but that just happens through time. I don't where I'm going with this part of my whole huge question...

Ami wrong in thinking that love that lasts a lifetime is not like a romcom movie? My partner would probably never announce in public that he could not survive without me in his life, in movie style, but I couldn't see him doing that for anyone. Real love isn't like that, is it?

Should I be holding out for someone who would runs through the rain half naked to tell me they love me?

Men: in real life: if you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them, do you express it like the movies, or do you sit on the couch at night and say;
'pass a beer while your in there, thanks, love you!'

So what is my question! I suppose I'm asking whether you guys;
What you think of love in real life?
Whether you think I should ask him to marry me?
Or should I wait for him to do it?
Or do you even think our relationship will go any further at all?


I no this has been hard work reading all this, but I really would appreciate any answers.

[Fr_Chuck]

First sorry, the post ran on and on, so I only read the first part of it.

When I got to the part where he will not cut the ties and his family is hurting your relationship, you have it totally wrong, your partner is running the relationship because he won't cut the ties. Please place the blame in the proper place.

And getting married because your father is still alive is not a reason to get married, it is a reason to spend more time with him,

When it comes down to it, what your partner is now, is all he will ever be,

Plus of course you are already living together, what do you expect the piece of paper to change??

Sorry but the time to worry about things are before you move in not 4 years after it happened

[lil_pea07]

Okay I didn't even read this whole thing. I just read to the part about him not cutting the ambilical cord between him and his mother. I was in a relationship for over a year with a guy who wouldn't, well, cut that ambilical cord, and it eventually got out of hand. I did nothing to any of his family but for some reason they thought they always had to talk about me when I wasn't around and then he would tell me about it later when I would ask him why they were acting they way they would when I was around. His mother was the biggest problem throughout our whole relationship. I don't want to go into a life long story so I'm just going to jump to the part where after a while my boyfriend and I started arguing all the time over his mother or choices he made basically because his mother wouldn't like it if he did otherwise. Eventually my own family started to think I was crazy just like his family and our friends. After a year and a month I decided it was time to move on. I couldn't live like that anymore. I had forgotten who I was. That whole time I knew I wasn't crazy but I couldn't prove it. I actually waited a whole year for the reassurance and proof that I wasn't the crazy one. And at the beginning of this year I got it. He is having the same problems with his current girlfriend that we had. And me and her are nothing alike. Mommy boys basically make decisions based on what their mothers want. If you and the mother don't get along it most likely won't work.

Now for the title of your question "should we marry? what is love?"
We cannot decide on whether you should marry. Only the two people who are thinking about it can answer that question. And if you are here asking what love is then that means you don't know which means you can't possibly be in love or at least know you are. So "no" you do not need to be getting married. Marriage is about love. And the only way to find out if its love is to listen to your heart. Does he mean the world to you? Would you do anything for him. Do you promise to be loyal and cherish him. (those are just some example questions... they go on forever) but most importantly when you are in love there are no doubts what so ever and it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Hope this helps at least a little bit. Good luck and best wishes! :)

[cerisa]

Why and how would it go further? It has been 8 years! He is not happy with your talk about his family. He states he doesn't want to marry. And yes, some men do publicly profess their love.

[OverDozed]

I don't know if love could be defined. Or if its possible to define. I think love is not singular, indivisible or consistent. Love is a complex collection of emotions. I don't know.
It seems to me that one of the worse and un-gratifying feelings is unreturned love. Sometimes it made think that love is an illusion...
Sorry... hope I helpeddd...

*smiles*

Ello cerisa!

[tylo]

I've just suddenly realised that I might be living my life all wrong!

After 8 years, has this just come to a dead end?

I know I love him and he loves me, but I can't continue this relationship always hoping for more.

Does this mean this is a pointless exercise? I can't imagine though, that thinking the last eight years has been a waste. Or am I just living in a dream world.

Being alone terrifies me

:(

Am I in this relationship for the wrong reasons? I don't want to meet anyone else, and I certainly don't want to start all over again. I love him more than life and he says the same but why am I unhappy?

[cerisa]

To make him happy, which will make him want to make you happy, and therefore to have a happy home, you must truly accept who he is. He must do the same for you, if you are not free to be yourselves who is it you are in love with?

[Emland]

Love in real life takes work - it isn't like the movies or TV where you stare adoringly into each other's eyes and everything is suddenly OK.

His mother will not get any better if you marry. She may even get worse if she feels her territory is being threatened. He appears to have no interest in changing that dynamic. His mother is more important than you - as you describe it.

I think you could do better than this guy. Don't fear being alone. You're a smart, attractive person - there are plenty of more guys out there that aren't still tied to their mother's apron strings.

[EuRa]

I think you better tell him: Choose.

And once he chooses, support him. If he chooses you, then make it CLEAR what that means. Write it down if you have to. If he chooses her, then you got to leave. If he chooses both, then you need to explain the problem further.

[tylo]

OK, so we had it out and everything I said he turned it around. I can't win, so while he's away for work for 2 weeks, I've told him to come back and tell me what the next step in our relationship will be, or... dont come back

I now I'l end up giving in though! I will try

[Fr_Chuck]

He is making his choice every time he chooses his mom over you.
I believe that leaving him on a trial basis may be called for.

[skyprincess]

As much as I would have loved to read this whole story, it just rambled on and on and I couldn't get very far into the story, but reading the title of the question "should we marry? what is love?".. my answer is, NO, you should not marry, and you're not in love... I say this because, you should not have to ask somebody's advice if you should marry; and, you should not have to ask what LOVE is, if you are in love, if it is TRUE love, you will know :')