[zo1185]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 years. We've been talking about marriage, and been working on a future together but after this holiday season she's had thoughts of moving back home to Wisconsin. She says she loves me, and I know she means it, but she says the only way she will be completely happy is back in Wisconsin where her family is. For 2 years she's told me her place is here, and that god brought us together but she has already gone as far as renewing her lease for only 6 months so that once she graduates from getting her masters she'll be ready to go. I'm so conflicted on this because I know how she feels because my family is here, where we live and couldn't imagine moving away from them. I'm hoping these are only thoughts, because she's said she doesn't know if she's moving yet, but she's pretty sure she will be right now. I ask her if she wants end this relationship because if I'm the only reason she's staying here, why not cut the one thing keeping you here... and she says no, that she doesn't want me out of her life. I don't know what to do here. Any advice would be great.

[kino4444]

Well you say you know how hard it would be to move away from your family and she knows how hard it is and she knows that she wants to go home to be near them so maybe you should go with her. You could live together and actually start yalls lives together. You can't expect her to stay she wants to go home where she feels safe and at home and comfortable... its all she knows. She may love you but she loves her family too and she wants to be close to them and if it means losing someone who isn't supportive in her decision the she may just very well leave and lose you.

[EuRa]

Couldn't you guys both find a place right in the middle? I mean, where are you now? Florida or Michigan? It makes a difference.

[talaniman]

Work together to find a solution that benefits you both. You should be understanding her feelings very well. Me, I start looking for work in Wisconsin

[HistorianChick]

Could this be her "its me or nothing"? Could she be wanting a commitment? Maybe she is thinking that you've been dating for three years, all the while talking about marriage... maybe she is just tired of waiting for that nebulous "we'll get married one day" to come to fruition... just a thought.

I agree with talaniman... I'd start looking in WI.

[zo1185]

Thank you guys so much for this advice. It's insane just how everyone has different advice on my situation. To answer some questions... We live in Dallas... she's from the Green Bay area! I have talked to her about getting married, and she says a ring won't change her feelings right now. I also mentioned that I had looked for jobs in Wisconsin and haven't ruled out moving up there with you so we can be together and she replies with "You wouldn't like it up there!" or "If you moved away from your family you would hate me for making you do that!"
We've been spending time together when we get chances, and as long as I don't mention my feelings or confusion, things are great. But once I mention something about anything with the move she gets frustrated, and very short with me. She actually just got upset that I've been posting my feelings on a blog I write because it helps me. I don't mention directly what it's about but people that know her and I have contacted her about it asking what's going on. She said to not mention it anymore because she doesn't want to be judged by other people for her actions or decisions.
What my confusion now is what are we? Are we friends? Are we still a couple? Because when we are together, it's as if nothing has changed. She says she loves me and I know she means it, but I'm thinking it's only because I say it first. She never says it first anymore! I have a bad habit, as I'm sure most guys to, but I over-analyze things... Why'd she say that? Why didn't she do this? Etc. It's a viscous circle that drives me nuts. She tells me nothing has changed between us and that I'm only thinking it has! She might be right, but I'm constantly living in confusion trying to find out if she is moving or not. She still can't answer that, and I'm scared that if I give her space she will move and I just sat by and let her.

[Synnen]

I, too, grew up near Green Bay, WI.

I lived for 4.5 years in the DFW area.

Two more different climates I can't imagine!

Okay--I get what's going on with her. I lived a long way away from my family for 10 years, and the stipulation that I had with my husband was that when we had kids, we'd move closer to my family. Well, things change, and we now live BETWEEN his family and mine... but I get how your girl feels.

It's kind of a different culture in that area of WI, and while I'm not trying to diminish your feelings for your family, it's almost old-world up there. Families literally live down the street from each other, and you pop in any old time you like to see someone, and not only are you welcome, but you're invited to dinner and have a beer!

Extended families are still incredibly important--Christmas with my mom's side of the family is bordering on 70 people now, with 5 generations. If you need a babysitter, you call family first... usually one of your dozens of nieces and nephews or cousins.

While I saw close families in Texas, it really was very different, and I'm sure she doesn't want to make you feel like your feelings for your family are "less" than her feelings for her family are. Also, being away from her family is giving her an appreciation of how important it is, and she doesn't want to take that away from you by asking you to move with her.

Look, if the relationship is as serious as you say, then you need to sit down and have an honest session with each other about the whole move/family/culture/weather thing. You may honestly hate it up here in the winter. It's about 1 degree out right now, with a windchill of minus 20, and a high today of 7, with a windchill of minus 10. That's pretty normal for January. And today is supposed to warmer than the next 5 days... can you handle that kind of stuff for 4 months straight?

Leaving the weather aside---how will you feel when you can NOT make it back to your family for some event--a wedding, a christening, a funeral, whatever--because of commitments (work or otherwise) up in WI? How will your family feel about YOU for that? What about holidays? Not even THINKING about how expensive and hard it is to travel at Christmas, what about OTHER traditional holidays your family has? For instance, it was almost harder to miss the annual family 4th of July picnic than it was to miss Christmas for me. Will you feel left out when you don't even hear about the plans for stuff like that, because they know you won't make it? Same thing for graduations, births, engagements, whatever--I was ALWAYS the last in my family to know about anything! There were a couple times when I literally didn't know someone was pregnant until the birth announcement!

Then there's the other side of it---are you willing to make HER family YOUR family? You'll have to accept them, warts and all, because they ARE so important to her. Will you be able to go to her family functions without resentment that you're missing out on YOUR family's stuff?

I realize there is compromise in all of this---but plane tickets and travel get expensive, and not just in money. When your vacation EVERY year is to go visit family, that starts taking its toll on you as well. And believe me--no matter HOW close your family is to you, they will make the effort to see YOU less often than you'd like.

I just wanted to give you some stuff to think about, seriously, before pushing this forward. If you still feel the same way, then shoot her an email and ask if you and she can set aside time to talk about her move back, and have a MATURE and HONEST conversation about it. If she refuses to talk to you about it, that's an answer too---it means she doesn't want to lose the status quo, but she isn't looking to have you meet her parents, either.

Sorry my answer was so long---hope it helps you some.

PS--why not suggest a trip with her to see her family in the winter sometime? Then you can meet her family, get a feel for the weather, and see how she is when she's around her family!

[zo1185]

Synnen - Thanks for the advice. It truly makes complete sense, except, her family is a bit of a odditiy for that area. Her Mom's side is closer than her fathers, but there's tension there because of her Mom's divorce to her Dad, and then her remarry! I have been up there with her, and spent time with both sides of her family, and they are great people, and I would love to call them my family. But her immediate family just isn't as close as mine. Both her family, and my family have mentioned they would love to have me/her a part of the family. Yes it would be very hard for me to miss the traditional holiday get togethers. I have family all over, but the immediate family I have here is very close.

Some of the reasonings she gave for moving was to build the relationship with her father. Her dad was recently in the hospital for hypertension from stress, and she contemplated if she should go up there because he was only in the hospital for a couple of hours. I told her to go. I booked her a flight with my miles and supported her to be there and work was on board to give her time away. Her parents got divorced, as I mentioned earlier, a year before we got together and I've been the only one she's really talked to about her feelings on this because everyone she's talked to is biased for her father, or her mother. Both are great people, just their relationship didn't work anymore, and obviously her father hasn't done much to get over the divorce. Her other reason for moving is to be there for her 2 nephews because she's afraid of not being a part of their lives as they grow up. I try to tell her that I can understand her feelings, and we'll try to take more trips to visit because I have tons of miles built up... but what about her life? Does she expect to ride in on her white horse and be the saviour of her Father, and her Nephews? I'm scared that she is going to focus all her attention on her family that she's not going to do anything for her own life!

The weather is not a factor. Yes it's cold, but I don't mind the cold... just not the 4 months of overcast, grey skies! She tells me now that she would regret not going up there, and said I would resent her for us moving up there and me being away from my family! Just my issue is that our relationship is in a state of limbo. Are we still a couple? Are we just friends? She can't answer that, nor won't when I ask. She obviously doesn't know what she wants, and I know that I can't tell her what she wants. She has to make that up herself, but what about me? I still want to support her, and be there for her, and she still looks for that support from me! Yet I don't know what to do because she hasn't committed completely to moving and is still weighing the decision. I just don't know what my place is in all this?

[mrlinsalata]

It sounds like you should work on being a l bit more understanding of her feelings about her decision. To do what you did, flying her up on short notice and being supportive was amazing. Her family seems so important to her, and to say that you're afraid she's going to focus all her attention on her family and not on her own life is passing quite a judgement - being close to her family and wanting to be there for her nieces seems to be a very elemental part of what she wants to do with her life. I understand your frustration but maybe your resentment is making her see you in a different light. If you move up there you have to move past feelings of resentment. While family get togethers may be expensive and you might miss some, if you're close with your family they will support you. On the other hand if you work hard enough and really put an effort into seeing your family and being extra careful with money you shouldn't have a problem making it happen. I think your question, "are we still a couple, are we friends?" may be putting more pressure on the situation than normal. You also may be putting too much pressure on her by making her feel like she has to decide between you and her family. She probably wants you to exercise some selflessness and show no resentment.

On the other hand, there's a chance that she doesn't want you to come with her and is afraid to say it yet, and so may be trying to discourage you. My question is, does she discourage you because she wants you to say, "I don't give a damn about the weather or the culture, I love you and want to be with you"? It could be that your expression of the idea that you would resent her is making her test you. Or it could be that she truly wants to discourage you. But if you two are as close as you say I'd say it's hard for her to talk about because you seem hurt that she wants to move instead of seeing past that and understanding her need to be close to her family. The thing is, even if it doesn't work you can pack up and come back home if you're as unhappy as you think you'll be. But if you're going into it with the belief you'll resent HER for a decision YOU ultimately made, you might be dooming it ahead of time. ONLY make the decision to move with her if you know you can be big enough not to resent her for it.

[mrlinsalata]

SO did you move?

[amicon]

I don't think we'll ever know-this thread is two years old.