[Lilywhite]

Hi everyone and happy new year.

I´m new here and it´s part of my new year´s resolution to work on my relationship problems. I´m divorced and stopped dating for five years altogether but started again three years ago. I met someone I like very much at the time. We work together and have similar interests, I am in my forties and he is in his fifites, divorced as well.

He likes me too, but he travels a lot. We meet at work and at functions every other week, but it varies. Sometimes I don´t see him for two months, but I hear from him.

Last year he showed a lot of interest and asked if we shouldn´t be in a steady relationship. I was flattered, but not into going steady with him for many reasons. I was tired, buying a new property and working on a big project. He also invited me on a trip with him. I turned him down and we decided to be friends, but he avoided me for some time.

I started making new male friends and he disappeared for a while, then showed up with a girlfriend who is a lot younger. That relationship ended and he came back. Now all we do is flirt and it gets stronger every time, but we never have sex, although I want to and I know he wants it too. He told me "I am too much of a Mata Hari" and is afraid of his feelings for me. That hurt me. We almost had sex before Christmas, than he fled to his grown daughter and son-in-law and is staying there, out of town.

I don´t know what to do. I really like him and we have so much in common. I want to see how this evolves, but I will be seeing other men too. The problem is that as soon as he comes back, he gets really possessive and lets the other men know I belong to him. He ruined a friendship with a man I met recently by coming to our table and let the man know I was his girlfriend - which I am not. It was an embarrassing situation and I left with him, but now this other man won´t have anything to do with me.

And then we just flirted, we seduced each other and then - nothing. He withdraws and I get so intimidated, I leave. He has told me when I asked that after his divorce he hasn´t been able to be in a meaningful relationship and feels very sad about it. He´s been seeing a psycologist about it. I guess we´re in the same boat in a way.

I´m hoping for some good advice and feedback, and hoping someone has experienced similar.

Thanks so much,

Lily

[George_1950]

I would plan a really nice date with him, with the point being this is it, now or never. Communication is so important, also; isn't there a way you can tell him what is on your mind? On the other hand, he sounds like he has a good bit of baggage (withdrawal, possessiveness). Is that something you want?

[Lilywhite]

Thanks for your reply, George.

The date idea is really good. I might consider it when he gets back.

On the other hand, I don´t know what I want or if I really want something from him except occasional sex.

The problem is that he seems unable to do more than flirt and seduce at this point. Does anyone know why men do that? I´ve had a number of men doing that since my divorce. It turned out they all had another girlfriend or they hadn´t left their wives as they said.

When we first met, I felt he had too much emotional baggage and I still think that. So do I and I have problems with commitment. So does he.

I´m really lost here. I guess I really need to consider if he´s worth the trouble or just move on. Something is not as it should be.

Thanks again,

Lily

[J_9]

Personally, if it were me, and it's not... I'd run for the hills. This man sounds a little on the controlling side, heck you aren't even in a monogamous relationship with him and he ruins a friendship with another man by telling him he is your girlfriend. Red flag #1 And you left with HIM... I can understand why the other man wants nothing to do with you... You basically backed up the statement that this other man made by leaving with him.

Have you met his children? Do they know you? If not Red flag #2.

Being possessive is not a good trait to look for in a man. Occasional sex will lead to problems also. Friends with Benefits rarely works out.

If you are having second thoughts, any doubts, follow your instincts, they are usually on the spot.

[ordinaryguy]

It sounds to me like you are perfectly matched--neither of you know what you really want or have to give, and both of you are afraid of commitment, so you do that little approach/avoidance dance. He's a perfect reflection of your own ambivalence. If you can get past that and become confident in yourself, you will probably meet somebody who reflects that confidence. Until then, vacillation rules.

[friend4u178]

If you are having second thoughts, any doubts, follow your instincts, they are usually on the spot.

I would have to agree with J-9 here , follow your instincts , they are generally right.

[Lilywhite]

Thanks all of you for honest answers.

I´m still trying to figure it all out. Ordinaryguy, you´re spot on. He is the reflection of who I am. I want him and don´t want him. He wants me and doesn´t want me. That´s why I´m starting therapy this month to help getting that confidence back. I had it, but adversity knocked me for a while. I want to reclaim it.

J_9, it´s true. He is controlling and possessif whenever he thinks someone else shows interest. I still feel silly and embarrassed about letting him take me away from that other friend. It´s just the attraction between us is stronger than I have felt for years.

I´ve met his two children who live here. Two of them live abroad and I´ve never seen them, I only hear about them from him. What makes me sad is that he doesn´t seem interested in my two daughters. Whenever I talk about them, he changes the subject or starts flirting again.

It´s becoming clearer and clearer as I read your answers and write to you that we both have severe commitment problems. I will follow my instincts and my instincts tell me to change my behaviour both in general and when he´s around. I won´t become as available to him while I´m thinking this through.

The problem is: How do I react when he meets me at a function and tries to intimidate the other men I might be with? I´ll be meeting new men at the end of this month because of a big function I´m organizing and I intend to get to know one or two of them.

I guess he flirts and seduces because he doesn´t dare to go further or he is waiting for something better to happen.

Thanks a lot,

Lily

[J_9]

The problem is: How do I react when he meets me at a function and tries to intimidate the other men I might be with? I´ll be meeting new men at the end of this month because of a big function I´m organizing and I intend to get to know one or two of them.

This CAN be a problem, but only if you LET it. When you are socializing with the other gentlemen and he comes up to you... You need to control the situation, don't let him. Introduce HIM to your "friend" not your "friend" to him. Excuse yourself from his company if you have to do your socializing. It is a function YOU are organizing, not him.

BTW, I am curious, is there a reason he has to attend?

[Lilywhite]

Thanks J_9

BTW, I am curious, is there a reason he has to attend?

Yes. We are a part of a professional group and we organize all kinds of functions for the University. Although he has his own speciality and I have mine, we always attend each others events.

The problem is that he acts as if he owns me in front of everyone of my colleagues and they think we´ll eventually get married.

I need to stop this behaviour or just talk to him, I don´t know. At the moment, I just want to get rid of hid. He´s taking up far too much energy.


Lily

[ordinaryguy]

I´m starting therapy this month to help getting that confidence back. I had it, but adversity knocked me for a while. I want to reclaim it.

Good for you. I know how life's tragedies and disappointments can sometimes sap your resilience and sense of being in control, or at least being able to roll with the punches and recover your equilibrium when turmoil strikes. There is nothing wrong or shameful about getting professional help to get through those times and learn something positive and useful from them. You go, girl. I sense that you have a lot more deep strength than you have yet owned and taken charge of.

J_9, it´s true. He is controlling and possessif whenever he thinks someone else shows interest. I still feel silly and embarrassed about letting him take me away from that other friend. It´s just the attraction between us is stronger than I have felt for years.

Interesting that you mention the strength of the attraction in the same breath as being embarrassed at letting him control that situation. I don't know if it's significant, but you might think about what the connection is, if any.

What makes me sad is that he doesn´t seem interested in my two daughters. Whenever I talk about them, he changes the subject or starts flirting again.

Sad to say, but it seems like he's more interested in what you can do for him than in what's important to you.

It´s becoming clearer and clearer as I read your answers and write to you that we both have severe commitment problems. I will follow my instincts and my instincts tell me to change my behaviour both in general and when he´s around. I won´t become as available to him while I´m thinking this through.

Good. You're definitely on the right track here.

The problem is: How do I react when he meets me at a function and tries to intimidate the other men I might be with? I´ll be meeting new men at the end of this month because of a big function I´m organizing and I intend to get to know one or two of them.

I think J_9 is exactly right about this. You have to assert yourself and take control of the situation BEFORE he has the chance to. Maybe have a serious one-on-one conversation beforehand to let him know that you're onto his game and tell him in fairly blunt terms that you are not going to tolerate it at the upcoming event. If he doesn't get the message, and tries a fast one anyway, don't be afraid to cut him off at the knees in front of other men. Pushy guys depend on women to be too discreet or too kind to make a scene in front of others. If he sees that you aren't afraid to call him on it in public, he may lose his appetite for that kind of nonsense. Never apologize or feel guilty for insisting on the respect that you deserve.

[Lilywhite]

Thank you so much, Ordinaryguy.

I think you´re reading the situation absolutely right and I really appreciate it. It´s been a long time since I got such detailed and honest answers from all of you.

There were two deaths in the family recently, my father passed away a few weeks ago, but although I´m very sad and miss him like crazy, his death made me want to live my life to the fullest, because I owe it to myself and my daughters.

About leaving with this man when I was already sitting at a table with another man, shows how vulnerable I´ve let myself become. I was guided by my lust for him, because it´s not much else at the moment. However, I will use the memory of that difficult moment to work on myself.

I want to let go of him for now. I want to get over my commitment phobia, and build self-confidence, so I started a new thread in Personal growth hoping I learn even more.

I welcome all comments about this as I´m still working it out with this man. Adversity is useful and I met this man for a reason, because he is a reflection of who I am today.

I will not let him bully me or another man in public anymore. I am hopeful - maybe I will meet someone else who can be a trusted and solid friend, when I have more to give and a better ability to receive.

Thanks again,

Lily

[talaniman]

Sounds as if you are realising that whatever you want at this stage in life, he ain't it so you better set him straight, and stop him from interfering in your social life. Don't get to wild out there young lady.