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thornj26 · Dec 29, 2007, 09:01 PM

I was married for 7 years and had 3 beautiful children from that marriage. Towards the end he was abusive and the main reason I left. When we went through the divorce I wanted it to be over and he had already moved on with his life he started attending church with is now (ex ) fiancé and I thought he was trying to change for the kids but that didn't last long but I agreed to Joint Custody, since then he moved 150 miles away from the children and the Friend of Court awarded me Sole physical but the last visitation my children had with him he beat up his girlfriend in front of my 3 children and her daughter. After hearing this I had enough of giving him chances to be a father I have filed for sole legal and to take away parenting time until he receives help. Here is my dilema he is 5600 in the hole to child support already he doesn't work he lives off his woman of choice at the time his now girlfriend ( the same one he beat on) is now pregnant with his baby. We are to appear in court on the 14th I have a feeling once he realizes that I will fight tooth and nail to protect my children from that kind of environment that he is going to want to sign off his rights thinking he won't have to pay child support. I am all for him signing off rights my concern is my kids, my oldest is 7 and very loyal to his dad and both of my boys 7 & 5 have shown aggressive behaviors to both me and their sister. I know and everyone including his own mother agrees he needs not to be in their lives but how do I tell my children that their father won't be around at all anymore??

ScottGem · Dec 29, 2007, 09:22 PM

First, forget about him relinquishing parental rights. The courts are not going to allow it. You should be able to stop visitations or force supervised visitation.

As for explaining it, you tell them that his behavior has been inappropriate and until he can show that he won't continue such behavior he can't be an active part of their lives.

thornj26 · Dec 29, 2007, 09:45 PM

My oldest knew the minute he got home and I found out what happened he said to me I am not going to see my dad anymore am I ? I explained to him that his dad's actions towards his girlfriend was unexceptable behavior and I explained that he should have been sent to jail for it. That what he did was against the law. I have been actively trying to teach all of my children the action and consequences to actions so hopefully they will make better decisions in their lives. As far as him relinquishing rights he wanted to do it awhile ago he just never when through with it. I have a feeling that when this new baby comes my kids will not hear from him again.

oneguyinohio · Dec 29, 2007, 09:48 PM

Sounds like you are handling things pretty well. I initially thought of the following words to offer them, but it seems as if you are already doing this...

Daddy needs help so he can be a good parent, but he might not get the help because it might be too hard for him. Sometimes people try to do things the easy way when it isn't fair to others.

Tell them in simple words. Don't badmouth him.

talaniman · Dec 29, 2007, 10:05 PM

I think your already doing the right things, and I encourage you to continue, My prayers, and much luck.

ScottGem · Dec 30, 2007, 07:53 AM

Originally Posted by thornj26

As far as him relinquishing rights he wanted to do it awhile ago he just never when through with it.

I suspect he was advised not to bother because it ain't going to happen.

As for the rest, make sure your kids understand that you hope their father can get his act together so they can see him again. But that the choice is his, and that you are doing what's necessary to protect them.

LearningAsIGo · Dec 31, 2007, 01:57 PM

As a child I was in a very similar situation, so I can relate to what you must be going through. When I was young, though I understood my mother telling me dad was wrong (he was physically violent toward women as your ex is), I didn't want to hear it from her.

It may seem strange, but deep down your kids don't want to have a "good parent" or "bad parent" and when one parent is talking about another... they will not want to hear it. Though I knew it was true, I would sometimes blame my mother ("If he's so bad, why would YOU have kids with him?!?" Or "Then why don't you HELP him?!?")
Sometimes kids have trouble understanding a parent can be bad at all... or think it's a reflection on them.

Basically, I think what you're doing/saying to your kids is good. However, it might be wise to get some counseling where another adult (with professional training) can find a way to connect with each child and make them understand what's happening according to their level of understanding.

Good luck to you and your children... and GOOD FOR YOU to leave a jerk like that.