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Reen8 · Dec 7, 2007, 10:17 AM

I have been sleeping with this guy on and off for about 2.5 yrs. Mostly off as we started with just a sexual relationship and he told me he didn't want a girlfriend. I didn't want a man as I had just split with my ex but it got to a stage where I had had enough as he would not call me for days, sometimes weeks so I cut him off-changed my number. Then 18 months later I saw him in a bar and I took his number and called him, this was about 6/7 months ago - when I asked him how he sees me he said we are basically friends with a little bit more and he isn't looking for a gf(again!). Since then he annoyed me again with his no-call/no show act so I left him alone. 3 months later he saw my sister in a club and was saying how he misses "his baby" and wants to see me so he called me and we started back at sq 1.
Except this time round, he is being really attentive and sweet,very affectionate and complimentary, calls me a few times a week and we see each other regularly and not just for sex-sometimes he will call to see me and I spend hours with him (e.g. 10pm-4am or all day on a sunday) and not do anything but watch dvds, talk and sleep.If he upsets me by not calling or falling asleep when I am meant to come and see him, he will call and apologise and claim he wants to make it up to me. He has also mentioned the fact that he is single a couple of times and brings it up randomly, without me asking. For example he asked me what I wanted for christmas (we have never exchanged presents) and when I asked him he said he doesn't get many presents at christmas but this is one of the drawbacks of being single. Why would he bring this up with someone he is just in a sexual relationship with?
Basically I want more with this man but I'm not sure he wants the same and I will not bring it up again for fear of rejection. It's true I have never met his mum but I know his brother and his closest friend (who seems to know his pet name for me even though I have never told him!)

Now I don't know what to do!

talaniman · Dec 7, 2007, 10:28 AM

Go slow, and keep getting to know each other. Going slow, and not rushing headlong into anything, will give you a chance to see things better and evaluate what you've seen. Communication and honesty, talk and listen. Let things develop at their own pace.

kuulski · Dec 7, 2007, 10:31 AM

Sounds like he had u in the bootycall zone until you put your foot down. Be very very careful :>) Good Luck!

BMI · Dec 7, 2007, 10:36 AM

Sounds as if you're his in-between girl. I doubt he wants you as a g/f sweetheart, a sexual relationship turning into a meaningful one is not a common thing. I'm not saying it can't happen, but me being a guy I know that sometimes the F-friend is leaned on when a guy gets lonely, at it is Christmas time.

Sorry its not what you want to hear, but you should realize that once you enter into a F-friend relationship with a guy its binding in his eyes, majority of course. Ifit does notwork out, hopefully you'll know better than to ever do that again. I'm sure you deserve more.

Reen8 · Dec 7, 2007, 11:58 AM

Thanks guys, please keep the posts coming--would really appreciate some further points of view x

Reen8 · Dec 7, 2007, 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by BMI

Sounds as if your his in-between girl. I doubt he wants you as a g/f sweetheart, a sexual relationship turning into a meaningful one is not a common thing. I'm not saying it can't happen, but me being a guy I know that sometimes the F-friend is leaned on when a guy gets lonely, at it is Christmas time.

Sorry its not what you want to hear, but you should realize that once you enter into a F-friend relationship with a guy its binding in his eyes, majority of course. Ifit does notwork out, hopefully you'll know better than to ever do that again. I'm sure you deserve more.

Hi - thanks for the comment ,it has def made me think! But just to add, this time round we have been seeing each other for about 3 1/2 months, so it was around the end of summer, well before Christmas.

Also, in the past when you have had F-friends, have any of them been of "wifey material" or do guys tend to go for the easier girls? Coz apparently he told our mutual friend that I'm wifey material but I didn't know how to take it because I know he hasn't told me so to speak? Thanks x

BMI · Dec 7, 2007, 02:46 PM

Hey Reen,

The thing is with F-friends is that from past experiences my opinion changed once we established those guidelines. Not that I did not like the girls, but I would almost automatically dismiss them being serious relationships and thus never considered or actually looked at whether this could go somewhere. I, personally, looked at them like sex objects and they did the same, so really its hard to project what "material" they are when all you care about is when and where. Hope this makes sense.

Reen8 · Dec 7, 2007, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by BMI

I, personally, looked at them like sex objects and they did the same, so really its hard to project what "material" they are when all you care about is when and where. Hope this makes sense.

Yeah I realise I didn't do myself any favours when we agreed the terms but because I have had these kind of f-buddy relationships before and it is so very rare I get feelings for ANYONE, I never even imagined I would be feeling like this!

Usually if I'm just sleeping with someone I leave it right there, we might get an hour or 2 together, either side of the deed, but apart from that we didn't bother with anything else but with this guy, we can chill out for hours and not do anything but hug, kiss and then go home... I guess you could put it down to boredom and/or loneliness on his part but then he will surprise me and call me at 8.30 in the morning when he knows I will be on my way to work, to tell me he is thinking about me?or random times on a weekend evening before he goes out he will call and leave a message to say hi and he was just thinking about me?

It's a lot of mixed messages, hence the confusion!

BMI · Dec 8, 2007, 08:23 AM

I will admit his actions are strange. I mean you know very well how these bed buddies work. I'd tell him you have feelings for him and see if he wants to get into a REAL relationship, interpreting his actions is just a waste of time.

I don't mean to judge or anything, but honestly, for the future, cut the bed buddies out. AS you are learning, they can hurt more than anything. Plus, guys don't like to date girls that do that, sure we'll do it but we don't like to date it, it's the wifey material thing you mentioned. I say try telling him and if it does not work than lessoned learned for your future men:)

ampersandra · Dec 8, 2007, 09:54 AM

Something that sticks out to me about this is that you've kind of neglected to say how gradually this guy's feelings changed for you. To me, your writing implies that the change was rather abrupt but please correct me if I'm wrong. And if it is abrupt, I would be suspicious of him.

Did he previously have another F-buddy before you? Have you done/said anything that might trigger him to think you're "wifey material"? The core question I want to get at is this: What made him CHANGE his mind from "I don't want a gf" to coddling you and calling you his "baby"?

You don't have to answer us if it's too personal, but I think this is something that will shine light on how close you SHOULD be with this guy.

s_cianci · Dec 8, 2007, 09:57 AM

I think he sees you as a casual sex partner and he probably thinks you see him the same way. He's being a little more attentive right now because it's been a while since he's "had any" so yes, he misses that. I'm sorry to sound so jaded but I've seen this kind of situation enough times before and that's what it sounds like. If you really want more then this isn't the guy for you, in which case I'd steer clear and start looking for greener pastures.

Reen8 · Dec 12, 2007, 05:30 AM

Originally Posted by ampersandra

Something that sticks out to me about this is that you've kind of neglected to say how gradually this guy's feelings changed for you. To me, your writing implies that the change was rather abrupt but please correct me if I'm wrong. And if it is abrupt, I would be suspicious of him.

Did he previously have another F-buddy before you? Have you done/said anything that might trigger him to think you're "wifey material"? The core question I want to get at is this: What made him CHANGE his mind from "I don't want a gf" to coddling you and calling you his "baby"?

You don't have to answer us if it's too personal, but I think this is something that will shine light on how close you SHOULD be with this guy.

Ok, well his change wasn't abrupt as such, over the last three or so months this has built up from being how we were before (not spending much time or doing much talking!) to him spending more time with me and using the pet names etc.

I would assume he has another f-buddy before me as he is quite attractive and he is a young guy living in a big city! Lol But no, I don't think I have done anything to trigger the "wifey material" status--he actually said that when we first started seeing/sleeping together but it's only recently his actions have come in-line with that statement.

As for what made him chance his mind... I don't have a clue! I mean we spend more time together now, we talk a lot more and he seems to be a bit more protective (he saw a pic of a man on my fone and got a bit sulky) but I'm not sure what brought on the added affection.

Reen8 · Dec 12, 2007, 05:54 AM

Originally Posted by BMI

I will admit his actions are strange. I mean you know very well how these bed buddies work. I'd tell him you have feelings for him and see if he wants to get into a REAL relationship, interpreting his actions is just a waste of time.

I don't mean to judge or anything, but honestly, for the future, cut the bed buddies out. AS you are learning, they can hurt more than anything. Plus, guys don't like to date girls that do that, sure we'll do it but we don't like to date it, its the wifey material thing you mentioned. I say try telling him and if it does not work than lessoned learned for your future men:)

I agree, I think I need to just tell him how I feel? BUT I don't want to scare him so bad he runs for the hills! How would you even approach a man with that kind of subject matter without scaring him-even if he does want something more?

I don't mean to judge or anything, but honestly, for the future, cut the bed buddies out.

Oh months def, I have learned my lesson and besides, I'm getting to old for this!

Thanks for taking time out to give some advice

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talaniman · Dec 12, 2007, 08:53 AM

I have cautioned you to go slow, because I think building lines of communication will give you the answer you seek. Given your history so far there was only sex, and you felt more and he is showing interest, beyond the physical. Go slow and make sure the bond is more than physical. Talk and listen, and be willing to express your feelings to each other. Then there is a chance of you both being on the same page. I think that's where he is, wondering if there is more beyond just sex.

BMI · Dec 12, 2007, 09:17 AM

If he wants something more than he will not be scared nor run for the hills. If he cares at you at all, even if he does not want a relationship he will tell you this. Most guys will talk it out, the few that do run are not someone you want/need anyway. I say tell him soon.

Good luck!

Reen8 · Dec 14, 2007, 03:00 AM

Thanks so much guys, I will take all the advice on board and then decide when I can bring it up to him! Fingers crossed, hey? :-)