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needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 4, 2007, 10:51 PM

I've always thought I was the type of person who wouldn't fight, physically, in a relationship. Here recently, I proved myself wrong by hitting the love of my life quite a few times. It all happened because he smoked weed and he knew how I felt when it came down to that. We're spending time apart so we can gather our thoughts. My Q is, is it possible to work threw something like that or is it too late for apologies?

Also, What draws a person to be that way? I don't know what possessed me to do such a thing. What gets me is that I was completely sober. I need some help!!

(He never put a hand on me other than by holding me down so that I would stop)

P.S. Please don't put me down. Everyone makes mistakes.

ChihuahuaMomma · Dec 4, 2007, 11:19 PM

It's completely normal to be angered by his decision. If that is something that you are fully against, then voice it... tell him that...

Talk about it... talking is the best wayt to solve problems like that...

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 4, 2007, 11:30 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

It's completely normal to be angered by his decision. If that is something that you are fully against, then voice it...tell him that....

Talk about it...talking is the best wayt to solve problems like that...

Well talking didn't help. We were going to a huge party that night and before we left be both agreed we wouldn't do anything like that but of course when we got there, he did. I felt so betrayed.

ChihuahuaMomma · Dec 4, 2007, 11:33 PM

As you should. He broke his promise and lied to you. Although, he didn't deserve to get hit (no one does), you deserve to not be lied to. I think there is a serious problem in your relationship. THat's not something that people on AMHD can decide for you.

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 4, 2007, 11:35 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

As you should. He broke his promise and lied to you. Although, he didn't deserve to get hit (no one does), you deserve to not be lied to. I think there is a serious problem in your relationship. THat's not something that people on AMHD can decide for you.

I agree with you completely. I knew better than to hit him but something came over me. I regret what I done but don't know how to better myself either... any advice?

ChihuahuaMomma · Dec 4, 2007, 11:40 PM

I will share something with you...

I dated someone for two years. He decided it would be an intelligent decision to smoke meth with his sister, and then skip work and play PS2 ALL DAY LONG.

I got home from a 16 hour day, 8 hours school, 8 hours work. And was furious. We got into a fight, he hit me in the mouth, gave me a bloody lip. I stared at him in shock for a second. The stomped off to the room and got his playstation. He knew what I was going to do. He tried taking it from me, I hit him HARD with the controller and threw it all off the 7th floor balcony. He had to have four stitches.

We broke up three days later. I could not live in an abusive relationship, nor one with a liar, and someone that would take drugs.

I don't have much advise. Just learn from other people's bad mistakes and experiences...

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 4, 2007, 11:46 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

I will share something with you....

I dated someone for two years. He decided it would be an intelligent decision to smoke meth with his sister, and then skip work and play PS2 ALL DAY LONG.

I got home from a 16 hour day, 8 hours school, 8 hours work. And was furious. We got into a fight, he hit me in the mouth, gave me a bloody lip. I stared at him in shock for a second. The stomped off to the room and got his playstation. He knew what I was going to do. He tried taking it from me, I hit him HARD with the controller and threw it all off the 7th floor balcony. He had to have four stitches.

We broke up three days later. I could not live in an abusive relationship, nor one with a liar, and someone that would take drugs.

I don't have much advise. Just learn from other people's bad mistakes and experiences...

Well I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I know it had to be hard. Good thing you're out of that situation now. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it!

ChihuahuaMomma · Dec 4, 2007, 11:53 PM

No problem...

oneguyinohio · Dec 5, 2007, 12:04 AM

I think the anger you experienced when he betrayed your trust is completely understandable. As far as the hitting him, well... are you a controlling person? Or was your action more out of a reaction of being hurt on your part? I don't think it is too late for apologies from both of you, but building that trust back might take a while... you should talk about the issues of his lies, as well as your resulting loss of self control and see if you want to try to salvage anything from the relationship and move on with a better understanding of each other.

You don't have to accept the lies or any behaviours, but if he wants to be in the relationship with you, he needs to be up front and honest at all times... otherwise the issues will continue... you might not become physically aggressive, but other tensions will still arise unless you get the "issues" out in the open and work on them together.

needinghelp2getonmyfeet · Dec 5, 2007, 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by oneguyinohio

I think the anger you experienced when he betrayed your trust is completely understandable. As far as the hitting him, well... are you a controlling person? Or was your action more out of a reaction of being hurt on your part? I don't think it is too late for appologies from both of you, but building that trust back might take a while... you should talk about the issues of his lies, as well as your resulting loss of self control and see if you want to try to salvage anything from the relationship and move on with a better understanding of each other.

You don't have to accept the lies or any behaviours, but if he wants to be in the relationship with you, he needs to be up front and honest at all times... otherwise the issues will continue... you might not become physically agressive, but other tensions will still arise unless you get the "issues" out in the open and work on them together.

No, I don't consider myself to be a controlling person. I've never been that way before that is why I am here asking why I did the things that I done. I was more hurt than ever and I guess that's what caused it. I've talked to him about how I feel but it seems like he don't want to change that. He knew that when we got into this relationship that we would have to work at it together. I just don't understand. How does he expect me to change my ways if he doesn't want to change his ways? Like I said before I don't consider myself to be controlling... I think of it this way... if we are going to change it's going to have to be because we want to not because of someone else... He done said he would never change... :( Does that mean I should accept his lies and behaviour and let it roll off my shoulders?

oneguyinohio · Dec 5, 2007, 05:59 PM

It means that if you want to stay in the relationship, then you will either have to accept it, or continue to respond in the same cause/effect scenario as you are currently involved in.

If you don't want to accept something that he has said he won't change, then you have another option which is ending the relationship based on your expectations.

Might be best to cut your losses sooner than later if you feel that based on his answers he is unwilling to work on his actions, but expects you to change yourself... From what you have posted, it seems that he has told you he won't change, and he has also flat out lied to you in order to appease the beast within... or maybe the lies were more of a manipulative strategy to get you into that situation where he could show you how much he cared about what you thought?

talaniman · Dec 5, 2007, 06:17 PM

There is no excuse for physical abuse, no matter the provocation. Leave him alone, and everyone else until you have dealt with your own demons, and have changed that part of your behavior.

friend4u178 · Dec 5, 2007, 06:20 PM

Hi Needing

I think Oneguy is right , he has pretty well told you that he isn't going to change. So now the decision is up to you , do you stay and put up with it until you flip again , or do you get out while you can. Look to be honest he sounds like he isn't willing to invest in your relationship and that is never a good sign in the long run , and certainly not something that anyone deserves. If he isn't willing to invest NOW I doubt he will in the future. You also need to sort out your abusive behaviour.

I wish you luck!

ChihuahuaMomma · Dec 5, 2007, 06:31 PM

He honestly doesn't sound like "the one". And if he angers you like that, you two are a bad match. I think it would be better for everyone involved for the relationship to come to an end... But this is something that you and he need to discuss...