[shortround]

Okay, here's the skinny. I googled getting over girl's past and everything I saw were basically the same questions about insecurities and didn't really find a situation unique to mine. This site, BTW, gave the best/real advice that minus the public relations answers people wanted to hear...

I'm 25 and met this girl, a bartender to be exact. I dj'ed at the club she also worked at. Girl was a sweetheart. I felt that I caught feelings for her at first glance. Being a DJ it wasn't hard to meet women, especially service industry women, but this one was different. I could tell she was honestly a nice girl, something that lacks in most women my age.

Unknowingly, she was seeing another seeing the bar manager (I was way too shy to hit on her but we became okay friends) there and everyone decided to have a after party at someone's house to celebrate an ex-bar manager that was supposed to show up but didn't. So, since she was going to be there I said hell yeah. We went and it appeared she was with this dude and was doing cocaine with everyone. I was devastated to say the least but did it also, I wasn't exactly a saint but I haven't done it since my late teens.

Time went on and we talked and eventually exchanged numbers even though I was turned off. She was a pure sweetheart and there was something that told me she was not that kind of girl.

We ended up hooking up super romantic style when I found out she was liking me too. It's been an incredible two months and I was so blinded by love, I rarely thought much of that night. Then we talked about the magic number (how many people we both been with)... I avoided this question with all past relationships. Now I know why. I found out I was her 10th, not bad if she wasn't sandbagging. Then I asked if she got with anyone else I met, she said she got with the Ex Bar manager that we were partying for and he was MARRIED!! This is a highly sensitive topic for me since my dad was married and cheated on his wife with my mom. I got with a married chick too and was logical about it, so I accepted it and moved on. I mean, who am I to judge. I asked if she ever got busy inside the club and said no, they went to his house on his bed, wow... the bed his wife sleeps in... alright whatever. Then I find out she bought the drugs that night... I made it clear earlier I don't condone drugs but have tried it and did that night because I was stupid. She justified the hook up by saying they found comfort in each other and it just happened 3 times. I still felt she got into things that wasn't her and that I knew the REAL her.

Things just started building up and every thing after that eerked me. I'm her 10th but only 3rd boyfriend, great! We went to Vegas and wanted to have her friend get us in the club he bar backed, nice, they hooked up too for about a year going back and forth to vegas. I explained the issues and said that things wouldn't bother me as much but it's in my face constantly, no one likes to look at the girl he adores as a cokehead bootie call at one point.

I continue to show her love unconditionally and she knows that she could be herself with me and I understand people aren't perfect. But here's the kicker, she's too nice and still remains friends with these guys. In almost a nieve sort of way. I start getting insecure about things she does with me and how it might have had influence from these other dudes... like songs and crap and things we might see. This is way new to me. I know she loves me soooooo much and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. It's not her cheating on me that concerns me it's more of what she is capable of emotionally and is this the type of person I want to be with for the long haul? I love her to death, HELP!!

[nkychic]

i still felt she got into things that wasn't her and that I knew the REAL her.

Babe, sounds to me like the person you actually KNOW is the person you wish she was. I'm not saying you love her any less, but look at all the facts stacked against you and your idea of the "real her". I'm not trying to sound insulting, please don't take it as such, but I don't think things are going to get much easier with you and this girl. Was the party the last time she bought/did drugs? Do you feel like you can trust her with the guys she still talks to? Are all the things she used to do truly in the past?
You say she knows that she can be herself around you, but is she secure enough to be herself around others now or is she going to continue doing whatever it takes to fit in? Ask yourself all these questions, and then ask yourself.. "Is it worth it?" If it is, by all means FIGHT for what you deserve, however, if these things are never going to change, maybe you are fighting a battle you will inevitably lose. I hope that everything works out for you, with or without the girl. Just remember that you have to be true to yourself. You are the only person who has your COMPLETE interest at heart. Good luck hon!

<3 Leslie

[enigmagnetic]

Yeah she is no saint, now that doesn't mean she is no sweetheart. But you seem to have built up a fantasy around her. Unconditional love is very risky. You have to make sure you are giving it to someone who is certain, and she isn't, at least yet. I doubt it's a naïve sort of thing for her to remain friends with these guys. I think that's what you are telling yourself to keep up this illusion. She is what she is man take it or leave it but stop telling yourself she's too good for this and too good for that because all these things you say she is too good for she has done. Take a deep breath man. Slow down, it's not like you're married. Get to know her first before you proclaim her as your soulmate. Love is a very powerful thing. I hate to say it but it doesn't seem like you two really have that much of a foundation laid down. My ultimate advice for you is to slow down. You don't have to end it but stop acting like today is the last day. Give yourself time, don't ignore your own life, make sure you always maintain a good degree of individuality. Don't move in with her yet until you both are mature enough that you can say your past is your past. You seem to be a bit clingy and you should be careful because this is one of the biggest reasons women stray and or leave. Take it easy. Don't take it so serious. Spend some time on your own and think about yourself away from her. I'm not saying weeks but a couple of days to get back into your own life. She doesn't seem like the commitment type man. That doesn't mean that a commitment won't develop but you have to give it time, space, and the proper fuel for it grow. Chillax as they say in the south.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Red Flag, you are going to get hurt. Just a matter of time. Find out why the other relations ended, Pattern will continue.