[talaniman]

Your marriage had unresolved problems before, and now has more. I can understand the anger and frustration, but before you do anything, heal your own soul, even if it means some time to yourself, and all the help you can get. You need the time. Your husband needs time also. There is enough pain and confusion, and blame to go around, but a child's welfare hangs in the balance, and despite everyone else's concerns, or shortcomings, that is what matters most. Having said that I'm glad you came and vented some of those feelings. Honestly if you stay with this man, it will be a long time before you will ever trust him again and rightfully so. Much Luck, whatever you decide.

[uhhleesha]

Doesn't matter if it was a fling or not, there is a child involved and this child will have feelings. I'm trying to point out to you that you make it seem as if your husband will be a limited father, and by that I mean YOU control when s/he will have a father around. Which mostly likely will be when it's more convenient for you. The family is biological mother, his biological father, and you. All three of you, not you and your husband. I don't know what you mean by "real family", but you make it seem as if it is a man and a wife that is married and has children. I understand that he doesn't want to be with her, but there is a child. It seems more as if you're jealous because this first child isn't yours, it's of another woman and his. There will be firsts that will leave you out, and you're going to be jealous. Do not bring this out on the child. It's not right, and it's not fair.

I was trying to show you that with your "boundaries" that you're putting out, you're giving the child only a part time parent. That's what my biological father was, and to me that's nothing more than a sperm donor. If he was only going to show up when it was most convenient for his new wife and have her hover over our shoulders anytime we would talk or spend time together, then I didn't want him there at all. That lady was a devil, and was jealous that the first child born from him, which was me, was from another woman. You should rethink this, and throw out your jealous and selfish emotions.

[YoungHeartAttack]

This is very simple. The bottom line is he is very selfish and he doesn't deserve someone like you who went back with him in the first place. I am watching one of my brother in laws go through something similar right now. He can't decide who he wants to be with and his wife with whom they have a 15 month old with is going crazy. She is starting to mess around with other girls to try and make him jealous. It seems like more and more people do not take marriage seriously anymore. I am very sorry to hear this.

[Synnen]

Wait---all you need for forgiveness to happen is for a woman to just walk away and leave her baby (who she probably loves, regardless of conception) with you so you can be happy?

Screw that, lady.

Walk away from your husband, because you ain't NEVER going to have the other woman out of your life.

That baby's family is, as was stated, mommy, daddy, and STEP MOM. You aren't even a direct part of it.

I think you and your husband need SERIOUS counseling if you're going to make it work--yes, he cheated, and that's really really bad--but your demands in return are pretty high. It doesn't work like that--LIFE doesn't work like that.

If you don't want this woman in your life ever again, you're going to have to leave, because that baby has now linked her to your husband forever.

[headorheart]

Hi, I'm back... I'm the one that was in the similar situation with my boyfriend of 6 years. The baby was born 2 weeks ago... we hadn't even seen it yet cause the mother wouldn't return my guys calls... however the stress and everything proved to be too crazy because he moved out of my house yesterday and refuses to talk to me. I thought I should have gone with him the first time to see his son (and what would have been my son) but he didn't want me to. I didn't understand that. If I was to be the baby's second mother and help raise him in a supportive envionment, I felt that my guy should have set the tone right off the bat. Well, he didn't we got in a argument. After that he said he couldn't live like this and he thougtht it would be like that forever. I said it's the initial thing with the baby! Can't he have some understanding for me and that I am trying to figure things out too? I had so much understanding for him when he came to me with this situation! He just didn't. He wouldn't even talk to me. He said he was done. He said I was pressuring to marry him too much (although I don't feel like I did) and he couldn't take it. He refused to talk to me at all and was so cold and mean yesterday. He moved all of his stuff out of my house, despite my begging and pleading for him to stay. I love him so much. I said that I understood he was just confused and scared and everything else with the situation and he wasn't thinking clearly - he said he coldn't do it anymore. The thing is, we just went on vaca together recently to the Dominican Republic for a week. There he was so sweet calling me his life partner and apologizing for hurting me so much with the baby and saying that he knew I needed a commitment and that he was going to make it better... what did all of that mean?? Now I am destroyed all over again. I don't know what to do. I told him I was wrong to talk to him about a commitment right now at this crazy time - it just would have made me feel better in the mess as not just still to be the "girlfriend". Now I would rather have him than not. I miss him terribly - he won't talk to me though.. I know in time with the baby I would have loved it as my own... now I am just alone and the birth of this child is the reason why... we wouldn't have had this stress and uncertainty and insecurity had it not been... what do I do?? I can't stop thinking about him and his "family" now... I just love him so much and want him back!!

[NowWhat]

Your stress does not come from the birth of this child. Your stress comes from your ex's actions. And the child is a product of his actions. But, it is not the fault of the child.

Maybe with the child actually being here, the stress is at an all time high. I don't know. But, listen to what he has told you. As much as you may think you are or have been supportive - he apparently did not get that from you. He felt pressure, not support.

You are in a tough spot and you have reacted the only way you know how and that is not wrong - for you. Apparently, it was too much for him.

[boysmomx2]

God i need some help here please. Here is my story...

I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for 12. The last two years have been really tough on us, he left for 3 months and we went to counsling, he then came back and after 6 months he left again. This time he has been gone a year. During this year, he had started a emotional relationship with another girl. I confronted him about it immediatly and he said they were just friends....now believe me i did not believe this. I discovered about her via myspace.....how classic huh! During the year they went away togother on a few vacations, have been seen in public places and such. In august, my husband said he finally realized how special i was to him and wanted to start working on us again....I of course was happy and willing to do this, he is the world to me....probably a fool i know. In the month of september we got into a few arguments which is understandable he is still not living back here at home and there is things we need to work on. As i just found out in a moment of weakness as he calls it he went to see her again, they had sex...I have been gone for over a month house sitting in maui, during this time we were talking really well, communicating and things really seemed to be looking up, he was going to fly over and celebrate our anniversary together, but a day before he was to leave she told him she was pregnant.....this was on nov 10....i flew home on the 13th and he just came to see me today and told me!

I am so devistated......i dont want my marriage to be over, but how do you heal from the past and the pain of her when now she will be part of his life forever. Mind you we have not had any children yet and i just feel like that was one more thing ripped away from me and us.....i will never have the joy of being the first mother to his child.

He says he does not want anything to do with her but he feels that he needs to be there for the child....first steps and all. He says he wants to be with me though. Do i believe it, yes, the tears and emotions we went through makes me feel he does want me and has really realized his mistakes......

Please give me some advise, he is my world but i just dont see how i can even deal with the child let alone her let alone the pictures and the thought he will be around her.......i am absolutly a mess right now:( :confused:

I am in a similar situation. My husband of 9 years dating and together 22 had an affair and the home wrecker is pregnant. We have two boys and I already told him if our life is going to be together he is relinquishing his rights and she will have to deal with the fact that she knew she slept with a married man. I hate it for her. But she was warned to stay away from my husband on four different occasions. SHe is nothing but white trash as far as I am concerned. She knew he was married and now she need to deal with it. I was always taught you lay with dogs you get fleas. Never poop where you eat. But now he is going to play by my rules and not his own. Its going to be my way or the highway. If he does not want it this way he is to pack his bags and go now. I am not stopping him. I have already lost 70 pounds in the 4 months that I have known about her being pregnant. I am good to go. I can find someone who will adore me the way I will adore them. My husband know now what he has and is rethinking why he did what he did. OH well you screwed up and now you will be paying the piper.

[Homegirl 50]

BOYSMOMX2, I don't understand why you're so angry with the woman, but would take your husband back. He is the one that cheated. Why should that child suffer because your husband cheated?

[sunnyMI]

BOYSMOMX2 you say "she was warned to stay away from my husband on four different occasions" but obviously your husband didn't stay away from her, so he also went against your wishes. You call her "white trash" but it seems that you are angry and blame her for the pregnancy, when in fact it takes two. You are only hurting the child involved, and that is wrong!! The child had no choice in this affair.

[Dana2007]

homegirl is ABSOLUTLEY right. Too many women put up with way too much from their husbands but don't share the same kind of tolerance towards their mother or sister not even an unborn baby.

AND WOMEN ARE WAY TOO QUICK TO BLAME THE OTHER WOMAN INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT THE SCUM OF A HUSBAND THEY MARRIED.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH WOMEN THAT THEY PUT UP WITH SO MUCH FROM A WORTHLESS, CHEATING, MORALESS MEN/HUSBAND?

Why is there so much prejudice towards unborn babies?

Why are women so quick to be a soft place for a guiltless husband or a doormat for a cheating husband?

Men have no reason to respect marriages or value women or keep their pants on if women put up with their SCUM .

MAYBE TOO MANY WOMEN LIKE TO BE USED AND ABUSED AND BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

WE ARE LIVING IN THE GREATEST TIMES ON THE PLANET EARTH WHERE A WOMAN IS ALLOWED TO:

Go to school
Go to college
Have a job
Have a career
Rent an apartment by herself
Get a home loan by herself
Buy a car all by herself

And yet they continue to allow men to treat them like SCUM . Men sure have it good. They can run around cheating and having lovers and procreating with other women and the wife just take it.

If the situation were turned around, most husbands would leave.

[CrazyDaisyLou]

Seriously, if you stay with your husband, I hope you can love this baby like it's your own and not just some other woman's kid. Without all of the details, I can tell you that I am what is considered "the other woman's kid." My half sisters and half brother (all older) (and sometimes I think even my dad) hated me growing up, and they let me know it every chance they got. I have trouble having normal relationships because I now expect everyone not necessarily to hate me, but just to not have any type of feeling for me at all. People literally have to tell me that they like me. Otherwise I am extremely doubtful as to whether we are friends, and then sometimes I am still doubtful that they are telling the truth. I agree with eveything that NowWhat has said, and think you should seriously consider what this person has said to you.

You can ask for advice, but you need to look into your own heart, and do some extreme soul searching, and decide for yourself what you can take and what you can't take, before you'll know what to do. You don't want your husband to be alone with her ever, but there may come a day when he is alone with her for a short amount of time, because it's highly doubtful that you are going to be able to be with him for every single meeting. What then? You need to decide now if you'll be able to handle that. And any other scenario that you can think of.

[Dana2007]

Yes, read the link below on how even biological parents blame and torture and hate their own offspring for choices adults make.

I , too, hope that if you decide to stay with your husband that you will love this child and treat it as if you do.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/childr...ren-53545.html

[CrazyDaisyLou]

We might as well stop trying to give her advice. She hasn't been on to check the answers in a month. I checked her profile. Besides, she isn't listening. She already has her mind made up about what she wants to do, no matter what the consequences may end up being from her actions. It seems to me, in her mind, she is the only one that was wronged. She doesn't seem to be able to see the bigger picture, that how she treats this child and her husband could have consequences that she won't like even more than her husband cheating on her. I just hope that if she stays with her husband that she treats this child as the innocent that he/she is in this situation and doesn't hurt him/her in the long run.

[stayc4you]

Men should have the right to request an abortion! Women have the right why don't men??

[JudyKayTee]

men should have the right to request an abortion!! Women have the right why don't men????????

First, you've reopened a post from November 2007. OP has not been back that I can tell.

Men don't make the decision because it's not their body receiving the procedure. The law requires the father to support the child. I'm sorry your husband is "stuck" paying child support for a child by a mother who tried to "trap" him and you would like to surrender the child - that situation certainly would influence your opinions.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family...ld-307622.html

[stayc4you]

[QUOTE=JudyKayTee;1504209]Because it's not their body receiving the procedure. I'm sorry your husband is "stuck" paying child support for a child by a mother who tried to "trap" him and you would like to surrender the child - that situation certainly would influence your opinions.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family...ld-307622.html[/QUOTE

I am not saying a man should be able to force a woman to have an abortion. I do believe that a man should have the right to request an abortion if he choses. And if the woman refuses I think it should be her responsibility to raise the child on her own. The problem started with the government deciding they would support unwed mothers back in the 60s and now look what it has turned into. A free for all against men. For years I raised my children on my own without support from welfare or their father, alone. I got a job. I went to school. I did it that way because it was my choice to have my children. I did it with pride and yes, my children are perfectly normal.

[talaniman]

This thread is a year old, no matter the politics.

[domesticgoddess]

First off, I am sorry for your situation but, how dare you claim one child more imortant than another? Is there anyone else out there that doesn't find these comments a little offensive? No child asks to be brought into this world and just because your husband isn't able to keep it in his pants, this does not mean that 'If you tw have a child, your child should be more imortant'

If I were in this situation, there would not be one ounce of anger directed for that child. I would actually reach out possibly (if I chose to stay with him) and want to be a part of that babies life/step mom etc. Your husband is better off walking away now if he is planning on having a relationship with his child because otherwise, all your boundaries are going to make him nuts and he will continue his escapades. He will likely want to be involved with his child and you won't allow him to have a close bond from the sounds of it. Sad it is.

[DanMander]

Honey, as a happily married man, I can assure you that this man is not worthy of marriage. He is lying to himself in addition to lying to you.

[Synnen]

Honey, as a happily married man, I can assure you that this man is not worthy of marriage. He is lying to himself in addition to lying to you.

She probably made her choice 2.5 years ago when she originally posted the thread, though.