God I need some help here please. Here is my story...

I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for 12. The last two years have been really tough on us, he left for 3 months and we went to counsling, he then came back and after 6 months he left again. This time he has been gone a year. During this year, he had started a emotional relationship with another girl. I confronted him about it immediately and he said they were just friends... now believe me I did not believe this. I discovered about her via myspace... how classic huh! During the year they went away togother on a few vacations, have been seen in public places and such. In August, my husband said he finally realized how special I was to him and wanted to start working on us again... I of course was happy and willing to do this, he is the world to me... probably a fool I know. In the month of September we got into a few arguments which is understandable he is still not living back here at home and there is things we need to work on. As I just found out in a moment of weakness as he calls it he went to see her again, they had sex... I have been gone for over a month house sitting in maui, during this time we were talking really well, communicating and things really seemed to be looking up, he was going to fly over and celebrate our anniversary together, but a day before he was to leave she told him she was pregnant... this was on nov 10... I flew home on the 13th and he just came to see me today and told me!

I am so devistated... I don't want my marriage to be over, but how do you heal from the past and the pain of her when now she will be part of his life forever. Mind you we have not had any children yet and I just feel like that was one more thing ripped away from me and us... I will never have the joy of being the first mother to his child.

He says he does not want anything to do with her but he feels that he needs to be there for the child... first steps and all. He says he wants to be with me though. Do I believe it, yes, the tears and emotions we went through makes me feel he does want me and has really realized his mistakes...

Please give me some advise, he is my world but I just don't see how I can even deal with the child let alone her let alone the pictures and the thought he will be around her... I am absolutely a mess right now:( :confused:

He may be your world, but it doesn't sound like you are his. You said you all started communicating, but he never was completely honest with you so it was one sided on the communications.

I don't want to bash him, but he sounds selfish and he's been doing things based on what he wants and he hasn't considered how it would effect you. As hard as it'll be you need to leave him for good. If you stay there will always be the other woman in his life and you will never be able to escape thinking something might be going on. In time it'll get better and maybe you'll be able to find someone who wants you to be their world.

You poor thing.
This is a very tricky situation, and not one that anyone can answer for you. It sounds as though your husband has been unfaithful and that there have been marital difficulties for so long that it's not likely for him to stay as loving and devoted as you need him to be. But, as you say, it's possible that he truly has realised his mistakes and genuinely wants to be with you. From what you've said though, it's possible that even if his feelings are genuine, they might not stay that way. The choice is entirely yours. And your judgement in this situation is much more valuable than mine or anyone else's.
Some other important questions are: how much do you really love him?; and can you truly forgive him? You will need to seriously think about these before you commit to healing your relationship.
If he really means so much to you, perhaps it is worth giving him another chance, regardless of the outcome. Only you can say. But there is a lot of heartache at risk, so be careful and be sure to let him know about your feelings and to demand honesty from him.
If you and your husband stay together in the long run, please remember that the child is not at fault. S/he is not to blame for the actions of his/her parents. I know it will be difficult having your husband be the father to someone else's child, but you can't take it out on the child. Your husband and the other woman might deserve contempt or negativity, but a child is just a child.
As for your husband, the choice is yours. You can do what you think is right, although no options will be easy for you.
I sincerely wish you the best in this situation.
Take care,
Kal

First of all, is she really pregnant? And if she is, is he the father? These questions have to be answered first. Then each of you have some decisions to make. Now I don't mean to be a naysayer but it really doesn't sound like he's committed to this marriage. Not having any children together probably gives him all the less reason to be so. If not for this potential pregnancy it'd be quite easy to give him an ultimatum and tell him no more her or you're gone. And without kids of your own to worry about it'd be easy for you to leave. Actually you could still do that but there is a child in the picture which serves to complicate things if he is in fact the father. I would very rarely say this but I think you may just have to decide that the marriage is over and to pack yourself up and find your own happiness elsewhere and let him deal with her, the child and everything else.

This guy is IMO bad news. This other woamn has him by the balls, and I could not trust him to stay away from her whether she is pregnant or not, but only you know whether you can forgive him or love him enough to stay with him.
Me, I couldn't do it. Sometimes love is not enough.

In a moment of weakness? He just got caught. He is lying to you. You have shown him that if he is kind to you or if he puts on a good show - all is forgiven.
Would you really be able to trust him again? This person will be in your life forever if you stay with your husband.. Can you handle the constant reminder of this affair?

I would let him go and find someone that can put you first and only you.

He made her take a pregnancy test in front of him so yes she is, we will have to do a test to make sure!

Is there anyone out there that has stayed with there spouse and can give me some helpful advise...
I agree once a cheat always a cheat, but I just have a hard to walking away and giving up.

Trust is a hard thing forsure. He has said he understands that he has to earn that back he knows that if we stay together there is going to be a tough road ahead.

And I am questioning myself if I can handle this kid... and forgive me does this think that her life is going to be easy. We are very well off and as far as I'm concerned if we do stay together I would encourage my husband to fight for full or half custody just so he doesn't have to pay as much child support and make him really grow up! Let alone her and I don't like each other and she has to deal with the fact if we do stay together that I will rule the roost and wear the pants... and there will be very large extensive boundaries!

My husband had a long affair. We are still together. It is a tough road. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

He did not produce a child with his affair. I could not stay if he had. All ties were broken with the mistress. If a child was in the picture - so would she. I couldn't handle it. Every time I think of her, I go into a rage. What if there was a child? I shudder to think about it.

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Originally Posted by feelinhopeless

Trust is a hard thing forsure. He has said he understands that he has to earn that back he knows that if we stay together there is going to be a tough road ahead.

And i am questioning myself if i can handle this kid....and forgive me does this think that her life is going to be easy. We are very well off and as far as im concerned if we do stay together i would encourage my husband to fight for full or half custody just so he doesnt have to pay as much child support and make him really grow up! Let alone her and i dont like eachother and she has to deal with the fact if we do stay together that i will rule the roost and wear the pants.....and there will be very large extensive boundaries!

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You say that now. When that kid comes into the world - you will be a distant second. Extensive boundaries? Don't kid yourself. I don't mean to be harsh - but I have a child and I know how demanding they can be.
Just because he may ask for full custody doesn't mean that he will get and you would be able to somehow cut the other woman out of your life. She will be there. Always.

As for bounderies... meaning rules when it comes to being around her, he is not to go to her house, the child gets dropped off at a mutual location, I must be there, all decisions become not just the two of them it is the three of us because I would obviously be the step mom. I have considered filing for legal separation to protect my assests, and make sure I get the alimony I want and deserve if necessary... I will make sure I take him for all he is worth before she gets a red cent! I don't give a crap on that~!

I get sick over the fact that there is a child now, as I write out a list of questions for him, one is can he be strong enough for us and stay faithfull this time... and if we were to have a child, our child would always come first and for most, not the other! And I need to know that I am number one in his life... and he needs to make a lot of facts clear to her too with me standing right there so no lies are said and it is clear we as he and I are standing together

Look, you need to think about this. If you ask him if he can be strong enough. What is he supposed to say? No? What good will that do him. And can you really ask him to put a child that isn't even on the way yet before the child that is coming? It is not the fault of the child that it was brought into this world this way.

Once he becomes a parent, you may not always come first. Can you deal with that. You are going to have to interact with this woman and there maybe times when where he has to go to his child's home. Can you deal with that?

I would prepare myself for a long and exteremely hard road if you decide to stay.
It isn't going to be cut and dry with the other woman and child.
Please do not delude yourself into thinking that it will be.

Hi there,

I have to say that I feel for you tremendously.. but at the same time your post has made me feel not so alone. I am in your same boat... well, not EXACTLY, but very similar. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. We started at 23 and now we are both 29. He is the first man I have ever loved and my best friend. We broke up twice throughout those 6 years cause he "needed time to sort out his life." Well the last time we broke up, he had a 2 night stand. The girl got pregnant. She said she was having a abortion and never talked to my boyfriend again. In the meantime my guy and I had gotten back together and we were as in love as the day we met... than out of no where in August he got a voice mail from her saying that she never had the abortion and that she was 5 months pregnant (too late to have an abortion now) with his child and that she was having it and keeping it. I was devastated.. along with him. I know he no longer talked to this girl and did not want anything to do with her. To top everything else off, she is TRASH! She is also 29, has no job, never went to college and lives with her parents. Through the grapevine we have also heard that she does drugs. Apparently all of her friends are single mothers and they just sit around and hang out together... now she'll fit right in. The most disturbing part of it all is that my boyfriend is in his last year of his anestisology residnecy. In a year and a half he'll be making close to 400,000 a year. This girl just saw the love of my life as a meal ticket! The thing is I can get over the money (although writing the slut a check every month would kill me), but it's the fact that she took away my first child from me. My guy and I had always talked about what are kids would look like, what we'd do, etc... but now he's going to do it all without me. He still says he wants nothing to do with the girl, but he has to be there for his child. Which I understand, but at the same time IT KILLS ME!! I love my guy to death, but every time I think of him holding the baby and loving the baby it kills me. My chest hurts and I feel like I can't breath. It's not fair that this girl got everything I always wanted! To make matters worse, and me even more resentful, is that now my guy is saying that he can't ask me to marry him until we see how we both react to the baby, he says that he feels like I will resent him for the rest of his life.. the thing is I wouldn't if he would just help to make it righ. Love me. Be honest with me. I can't commit myself to accepting his child if he can't commit to me after 6 years! His excuse for not getting married all of these other years was because his life was too too busy with work and school... now he's using this as an excuse. I just do't know if I can deal with it. I'm stuck. I love him so much, but I think I will have a lifetime of pain.. I don't want to have to deal with this trashy girl. . and now, because of him, I may have to deal with her my whole life... Why can't he give me what I want and need though? I need a commitment! I just don't know what to do... is it right to stay? Or would it be better to leave? It would be so sooo so so hard.. and sad, but what's the alternative? DO these things ever work out?

Finally someone who sees how I am feeling!

I too feel I can get through this even though it will be tough if he is there for me, like he has been in the past. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes, but standing by the one you love in tough times showing them you are here you feel there pain and you want to help can make all the difference in the world... right now I hate this kid and her, but I know if I want him in my life I have to accept the child as ours, however he does not need to deal with her! I have read so much over the last few days and the best way to deal with the affair is to exclude her out of his life, meaning, all contact must go through me and any phone call to him I must be on, no privatly seeing each other that sort of thing, but the quesiton for my husband can he do this for me. He says he wants to be there for his child not her, I understand so there needs to be boundaries, boudaries to make sure there is no hurt or question on my end. What I really need if for him to take the next 8 months while the baby is not here and focus on us and create a foundation we can both work on and function and talk extensivly about our future and how to make the best of the situation.
I feel like the last joy has been ripped away from me also... which I look at ways to save some joy for us and me! Like not going to the doctors appts not going for the ultrasound and not being in the delivery room, there is no reason for him to be part until the child is born.
I feel your pain and my heart is torn like yours... there has to be a book out there somewhere to help deal with this all!

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Originally Posted by headorheart

Hi there,

I have to say that I feel for you tremendously.. but at the same time your post has made me feel not so alone. I am in your same boat... well, not EXACTLY, but very similar. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. We started at 23 and now we are both 29. He is the first man I have ever loved and my bestfriend. We broke up twice throughout those 6 years cause he "needed time to sort out his life." Well the last time we broke up, he had a 2 night stand. The girl got pregnant. She said she was having a abortion and never talked to my bf again. In the meantime my guy and i had gotten back together and we were as in love as the day we met... than out of no where in August he got a voice mail from her saying that she never had the abortion and that she was 5 months pregnant (too late to have an abortion now) with his child and that she was having it and keeping it. I was devasted.. along with him. I know he no longer talked to this girl and did not want anything to do with her. To top everything else off, she is TRASH! She is also 29, has no job, never went to college and lives with her parents. Through the grapevine we have also heard that she does drugs. Apparently all of her friends are single mothers and they just sit around and hang out together... now she'll fit right in. The most disturbing part of it all is that my boyfriend is in his last year of his anestisology residnecy. In a year and a half he'll be making close to 400,000 a year. this girl just saw the love of my life as a meal ticket! The thing is I can get over the money (although writing the slut a check every month would kill me), but it's the fact that she took away my first child from me. My guy and i had always talked about what are kids would look like, what we'd do, etc... but now he's going to do it all without me. He still says he wants nothing to do with the girl, but he has to be there for his child. Which i understand, but at the same time IT KILLS ME!!! I love my guy to death, but everytime i think of him holding the baby and loving the baby it kills me. My chest hurts and I feel like I can't breath. It's not fair that this girl got everything I always wanted! To make matters worse, and me even more resentful, is that now my guy is saying that he can't ask me to marry him until we see how we both react to the baby, he says that he feels like i will resent him for the rest of his life.. the thing is I wouldn't if he would just help to make it righ. Love me. Be honest with me. I can't commit myself to accepting his child if he can't commit to me after 6 years!! His excuse for not getting married all of these other years was becuase his life was too too busy with work and school... now he's using this as an excuse. I just do't know if I can deal with it. I'm stuck. I love him so much, but I think i will have a lifetime of pain.. i don't want to have to deal with this trashy girl. .and now, because of him, I may have to deal with her my whole life... Why can't he give me what I want and need though? I need a commitment! I just don't know what to do..... is it right to stay? Or would it be better to leave? It would be soo sooo soo soo hard.. and sad, but what's the alternative? DO these things ever work out??

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Finally someone who sees how I am feeling!

I too feel I can get through this even though it will be tough if he is there for me, like he has been in the past. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes, but standing by the one you love in tough times showing them you are here you feel there pain and you want to help can make all the difference in the world... right now I hate this kid and her, but I know if I want him in my life I have to accept the child as ours, however he does not need to deal with her! I have read so much over the last few days and the best way to deal with the affair is to exclude her out of his life, meaning, all contact must go through me and any phone call to him I must be on, no privatly seeing each other that sort of thing, but the quesiton for my husband can he do this for me. He says he wants to be there for his child not her, I understand so there needs to be boundaries, boudaries to make sure there is no hurt or question on my end. What I really need if for him to take the next 8 months while the baby is not here and focus on us and create a foundation we can both work on and function and talk extensivly about our future and how to make the best of the situation.
I feel like the last joy has been ripped away from me also... which I look at ways to save some joy for us and me! Like not going to the doctors appts not going for the ultrasound and not being in the delivery room, there is no reason for him to be part until the child is born.
I feel your pain and my heart is torn like yours... there has to be a book out there somewhere to help deal with this all!

Yes! Exactly! THat is exactly what I told my guy. I did not want him at the birth of the child, there in the operating room or even just holding it after being a few hours old... If he does, what specialness would be left for us? What firsts? He's going to experience all of the "firsts" now without me. He's going to see how another human being looks that belongs to him. He's going to see his son take his first steps... he's going to be a daddy and I am only going to be a step-mom. It just sooo dosen't seem fair when we have grown up together and been a part of eachothers lives and now some strnager can just walk in and take it all from me without any care or regard. How could a woman do that? WHy would you WANT to do that?
I have also told my guy that he can have no contact with her and I must be present,etc. while he agreed, I could see the fear in his eyes that it might get too much. THat it might get annoying or something. The thing is, until that trust is rebuilt, I think that's the only way it can be. My thing is, without the commitment between him andi, they are now bound together FOREVER, and I am still just the measly girlfriend. Me who supports him, embraces him, provides for him, listens to him... EVERYTHING! Yet, this stranger and her bastard child will now be there even if I leave... and I don't know if I can take it all. Not without a commitment.
I've looked for books (Cause that's how I like to deal with things also - by getting advice), but I have not found any. Will time make this all better? I'm not sure. THe child will always be there (even though he is an innocent child - he will still be a reminder), I'm not sure it will be so easy once the baby is here. Even though my heart wants to try and get trhoguh all of this, when I hear him mention ANYTHING about the baby (even just something stupid) my heart drops and I want to cry. It's all just not fair at all. It's nice to know that I'm not alone though :)

He is always going to part of this woman's life because of the child. He is going to want to be there when his child is born and be a big part of his/her life. He will suffer and the child will suffer because of what he has done.
The question you must ask yourself is are you going to be able to be a good step mother or the ugly one. Are you going to keep him from this child. Thay's a hard call to make because non of this is this child's fault but he/ she will pay the price.

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Originally Posted by headorheart

Yes! Exactly! THat is exactly what I told my guy. I did not want him at the birth of the child, there in the operating room or even just holding it after being a few hours old.... If he does, what specialness would be left for us? What firsts? He's going to experience all of the "firsts" now without me. He's going to see how another human being looks that belongs to him. He's going to see his son take his first steps... he's going to be a daddy and I am only going to be a step-mom. It just sooo dosen't seem fair when we have grown up together and been a part of eachothers lives and now some strnager can just walk in and take it all from me without any care or regard. How could a woman do that?? WHy would you WANT to do that?
I have also told my guy that he can have no contact with her and I must be present,etc. while he agreed, i could see the fear in his eyes that it might get too much. THat it might get annoying or something. The thing is, until that trust is rebuilt, i think that's the only way it can be. My thing is, without the commitment between him andi, they are now bound together FOREVER, and I am still just the measly girlfriend. Me who supports him, embraces him, provides for him, listens to him... EVERYTHING! Yet, this stranger and her bastard child will now be there even if I leave..... and I don't know if I can take it all. Not without a commitment.
I've looked for books (Cause that's how i like to deal with things also - by getting advice), but I have not found any. Will time make this all better?? I'm not sure. THe child will always be there (even though he is an innocent child - he will still be a reminder), I'm not sure it will be so easy once the baby is here. Even though my heart wants to try and get trhoguh all of this, when I hear him mention ANYTHING about the baby (even just something stupid) my heart drops and I want to cry. It's all just not fair at all. It's nice to know that I'm not alone though :)

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I agree with you completely. There needs to be some firsts saved for you two. It is not going to make him a bad father. It is just stating yes this child is your first with her but I need to save some for my wife or marriage, especially since this was a mistake and neither of us wanted it, as they have both said, with that in mind he needs to be sensitive to the feelings of there significant other. I really feel when trust is rebuilt even though it will never be 100%, the extremes won't need to be there, or if she moves on and marries. But right now it is just not right! THey need to feel the pain we are going through and stand by us as well as the child, not the mother. If my husband tells me it is too much that just means he does not want me to be part of the unitement, and that he is not committed and that would scare me! I tell you I feel like myself worth has gone down the drain!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is always going to part of this woman's life because of the child. He is going to want to be there when his child is born and be a big part of his/her life. He will suffer and the child will suffer because of what he has done.
The question you must ask yourself is are you going to be able to be a good step mother or the ugly one. Are you going to keep him from this child. Thay's a hard call to make because non of this is this child's fault but he/ she will pay the price.

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This is how I feel and I have had days and sleepless hours to ponder think write read and all. There is no reason to be part of her life,(as dr phil says) that is the best way to deal with the affair and the child, the child yes, as far as I'm concerned she is just a donor. If he wants this marriage to work with the child involved he needs to address it in the situation that the child is his and I am the step mom but he can not have contact with mom, it just isn't right. She can not be an entity in the picture, that is why I don't believe seeing the child without me there is possible! If my husband can make me feel important, stand by me, realize that my feeling and hurt are deep and may never go away, but be sensitive and talk through things I feel there could be a place for the child in my heart. Not like a child of my own, but a step child. I am willing to do this for my husband if he can be understanding to my needs and feelings as his wife. I feel that this is a chance to step up and be the bigger person in this matter. The child would benefit spending more time with us, since I work from home and there is no need for daycare, also my husband works swing so there is a chance for him and the child to spend quality time together vs being in day care. But on the other hand I'm sure the will have a problem with this, there is also the issue of distance between us, it is a 45 minute drive between our home and hers. The big issues still need to be delt with as he and I have not talked since Saturday and he is talking to a counslor and trying to make some choices. And I have yet been able to discuss my feelings and thoughts with him yet, as he is to overwhelmed so he says