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fallen_sweetheart · Nov 17, 2007, 12:23 PM

I am dating a wonderful man I want to marry one day. But I think I have ruined it all. He is so talented there is nothing he can't do. We are both separated and going threw a divorce so we are in the secret stage in our life. I know that is wrong to do. I had been a really good christian. I just fell in love with him. He is EVERYTHING my x wasn't. But we did meet online at a site not really worth saying. While we have dated for over 1 year now. Some while we both were married. I had a problem with wanting to look at site I shouldn't. I for some reason, still would chat with the guys. Not really that much and I stopped for about 6 months. I am so bad at not saying no. I messed up. Well his job is in computers. And somehow he managed to get a hold of what was on my hard drive. He saw everything. I never met any of them.. just chatted. I wouldn't want to get a stds or any thing else. I never had sex with any one else. I love him.. and I am now caught. He also checked my phone records. I don't know how but he did. I had some guy friends from a volunteer group I belong to.. They had my number from that.. and we keep in touch. Not one of them did I ever talk sex or anything like that. We just chatted and I would check up on them and nothing happened.. all of this came about yesterday. He found out now he doesn't want to see me. I really don't blame him. I really hate myself.. I am so upset. I love him so much. He rocked my world.. I don't understand how I could do this.. Here I am looking for help now.. when I should had done it long ago.. and I tried but didn't. He said he still loves me and he will never talk about what happened to me again. But he also said he lost the trust in me and doesn't ever know if he can trust me again. I haven't had any thing to eat in 2 days. I need some suggestions. I can't call him, he will not email me. He is so hurt. I don't know how to or what to do. HELP! Feeling so lost

zzz1984 · Nov 17, 2007, 12:54 PM

Originally Posted by fallen_sweetheart

I am dating a wonderful man I want to marry one day. But I think I have ruined it all. He is so talented there is nothing he can't do. We are both separated and going threw a divorce so we are in the secret stage in our life. I know that is wrong to do. I had been a really good christian. I just fell in love with him. He is EVERYTHING my x wasn't. But we did meet online at a site not really worth saying. While we have dated for over 1 year now. some while we both were married. I had a problem with wanting to look at site I shouldn't. I for some reason, still would chat with the guys. Not really that much and I stopped for about 6 months. I am so bad at not saying no. I messed up. Well his job is in computers. and somehow he managed to get a hold of what was on my hard drive. He saw everything. I never met any of them.. just chatted. I wouldn't want to get a stds or any thing else. I never had sex with any one else. I love him.. and I am now caught. He also checked my phone records. I don't know how but he did. I had some guy friends from a volunteer group I belong to.. They had my number from that.. and we keep in touch. Not one of them did I ever talk sex or anything like that. we just chatted and I would check up on them and nothing happend.. all of this came about yesterday. He found out now he doesn't want to see me. I really don't blame him. I really hate my self.. I am so upset. I love him so much. he rocked my world.. I don't understand how I could do this.. Here I am looking for help now.. when I should had done it long ago.. and I tried but didn't. He said he still loves me and he will never talk about what happened to me again. But he also said he lost the trust in me and doesn't ever know if he can trust me again. I haven't had any thing to eat in 2 days. I need some suggestions. I can't call him, he will not email me. He is so hurt. I don't know how to or what to do. HELP! feeling so lost

Prob not what u want to hear, but... he says he doesn't trust you any more... this is a lie. He never trusted you in the first place if he was checking up on you..

peggyhill · Nov 17, 2007, 12:58 PM

Well, you just have to give him some time and space. He was obviously very hurt by what he found. If you were talking about sexual stuff with the guys online, I can see him being upset. The fact that you met him in a chat room probably has something to do with his reaction. If your relationship with him started in a chat room and while you were with another guy, then he might have thought the same cycle was starting all over again. Maybe you could send him a letter of apology or an email apologizing. For right now, that's about all you can do. Give him some time to calm down. He may or may not be willing to give you another chance. And like the above post mentions, if he was being nosy before he had a reason to suspect anything, he may have had trust issues to begin with. If your relationship was secret, maybe he feels that if he'll sneak around with you, you might sneak around with someone else.

Take some time until your divorce is final. You need to figure out why you feel like you need to talk to these guys online. Do you feel that there is something missing from your relationship? Do you like the attention they give you? Once you figure out why you are doing it, it will help you to stop, since it seems like you want to.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you talking to the guys you volunteered with about non-sexual things, but considering everything he found, he might not have looked at it that way.

Get some counseling in the meantime. It will help you feel better right now, and will help you gain insight into actions. I hope everything works out between you two! Good luck to you and I hope this helps. Maybe once his emotions calm down a little, he will be willing to sit down and talk with you again.

shygrneyzs · Nov 17, 2007, 01:07 PM

You are technically still both married so you cannot say you dated, "some while we both were married." It has been all when you both are married. So speak the truth.

About you chatting online with others - if what you say is true, there is nothing wrong in you chatting. If your intent was friendship only, then there is nothing over your head on that. He has some control issues. He has been checking up on you to find out if you are cheating on him. He already knows you cheated on your husband - with him - so he has the question if you cheat or would cheat with anyone else. A valid question for him but that is the pot calling the kettle black. He is in the same position. Hard to point fingers on this.

You say you were once a good Christian. You can be one again, if that is what your heart desires. Go back to your pastor and have a very long discussion with him/her about all this. If you seek forgiveness for the affair, that is between you and the Lord. I think you have some nagging guilt working on you and you need to be able to forgive yourself what all has happened. You need someone to talk to, to talk this through and pray about this, if you want prayer. Maybe you have an internet addiction - that has happened to many people, male and female. You met someone online and yet could not stop yourself from going back online and chatting. There must have been something in the chat log that upset your boyfriend. You do not have to be explicit here but be honest with yourself.

Zzz has a valid point - if he was checking on you in the first place, that trust was never there. Not a firm foundation for a relationship and not likely to make anything last.

zzz1984 · Nov 17, 2007, 01:36 PM

Not the place to ask I know but what's a Pastor?

shygrneyzs · Nov 17, 2007, 01:47 PM

Sure it is a place to ask. A Pastor is a minister or priest. She stated she was once a good Christian, so there must be a church she went to and a Pastor there.

zzz1984 · Nov 17, 2007, 01:48 PM

Oh right the term pastor isn't used where I live

Thanks

shygrneyzs · Nov 17, 2007, 01:53 PM

Most welcome.

Stringer · Nov 17, 2007, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by zzz1984

not the place to ask i know but whats a Pastor?

Pas·tor_w("P0103800") (p

s

t

r) n.

1. A Christian minister or priest having spiritual charge over a congregation or other group.
2. A layperson having spiritual charge over a person or group.
- Wikipedia,

N0help4u · Nov 17, 2007, 02:07 PM

If he is the type to hack your accounts and privacy he most likely is insecure and a control freak and has N0 OR very little trust in women so you may be better off without him. If he saw you were talking to these guys and there was absolutely nothing wrong in your conversations then he most likely would be checking on everything you do and say everywhere you go. He will probably watch you like a hawk and accuse you of things you aren't even doing.
I have known four guys like this and they were the ones that accused and were guilty themselves. Often the accuser is accusing out of his own guilt. For some reason the one finger pointing at you/four fingers pointing back seems to often be true.
You just may be better off without him if he doesn't try and work things out. And I would take this as a red flag and proceed with caution.

fallen_sweetheart · Nov 17, 2007, 02:48 PM

Thank you all, you have helped me so much.. But I don't really need the attention. My problem is I have always been a yes person. In life that has hurt me really bad people have run over me because of it. I don't know how to say no. I belonged to a website that I went there to read stories.. I couldn't hide the fact I was online. So I would get messages and then I opened them up.. only few of them I left messages.. and I knew I shouldn't be doing it.. but I did.. I have deleted my 2 email accounts and also I deleted the site that was the problem. So there is nothing out there any more.. that I belong to or any thing. Thank you all..

Also I am dressed and ready to head to the Saturday night service at my church I do need to get right with God. And my pastor has known me since I was 21 and now I am 45 so he isn't the one I can talk to.. I don't want him to know just how bad I am a fallen person. I have fell bad and I need to get up and get on with my life. I don't know if there is any WE in my relationship with my boyfriend since he will not talk to me. But he says he loves me.

With all of my kids in college and my only friends were from Church. I had only him as my friend.. and the volunteer guys we only talked about my volunteer and that they did OK in the cal. fires. So I didn't have a thing to hide there. I have been emailing a boy friend from way back for the past 5 years. There is nothing there either. No way.. I didn't even and wouldn't ever marry him. Thank you all! Prayer is what I need right now and to get my life right again with the Lord..