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sararose30 · Nov 8, 2007, 04:32 PM

I have been married for 5 years and am not or never was in love the way you are supposed to be with my husband. We fight a lot and have different ways of parenting. Different religions, interests, just have nothing in common. He is always gone to his friends house. He yells at me and the kids on a daily basis. I am ready to get divorced but he doesn't think anything is wrong, and doesn't agree. Basiclly I don't like him and I don't think he likes me. Why is he holding onto this marriage? I have mentioned that I want a divorce many times and he just gets mad and leaves but he comes back and pretends everything is fine. I don't want to hurt him, but in staying in an unhappy marriage I am hurting myself and my kids. How do I end it without hurting him too badly?

simoneaugie · Nov 9, 2007, 01:38 AM

Originally Posted by sararose30

I have been married for 5 years and am not or never was in love the way you are supposed to be with my husband. We fight alot and have different ways of parenting. Different religions, interests, just have nothing in common. He is always gone to his friends house. He yells at me and the kids on a daily basis. I am ready to get divorced but he doesn't think anything is wrong, and doesn't agree. Basiclly I don't like him and I don't think he likes me. Why is he holding onto this marriage? I have mentioned that I want a divorce many times and he just gets mad and leaves but he comes back and pretends everything is fine. I don't want to hurt him, but in staying in an unhappy marriage I am hurting myself and my kids. How do I end it without hurting him too badly?

Many men consider a divorce to signify their failure. It sounds, from what you have described, that he knows things aren't right. His behavior suggests that he hopes the troubles will go away. Hanging out at his friend's house is his "ostrich head" buried in the sand.

If you really are ready to move on, serve him with divorce papers. Just make sure all of your research and actions are appropriate before you drop the hammer. How do your kids feel about it? Would they be staying with you, losing their dad? Many people marry those they don't love. Many marry those they do love. In either case, part of marriage involves dealing with someone you don't like all the time. Is divorce the only answer? Is it just the easiest way out? I'm just saying don't bury your head in the sand or lie to yourself.

donf · Nov 9, 2007, 09:59 AM

Sara,

You have only been married for 5 years and you want out?

Do you remember giving our "Vow" to your husband? Do you know what "Vow" means?

Is there any just cause for you to take this action? Has your husband broken his vow to you? Are you in an all encompassing state of fear that he will begin beating either you or the children?

If you want a divorce and he is ignoring your request he is probably in denial and as far as he is concerned the matter is closed and there will be no divorce.

May I suggest that instead of focusing on reasons to divorce him, find reasons not to do so.

If you can't get him to discuss divorce, reverse the tactic and ask him what he is willing to do for you and himself to convince you that there is no valid reason for a divorce. What is his expectation of what you should be doing?

I realize that getting a guy to talk is just about as easy as getting the IRS to admit that they made a mistake. Its not that we can't it's just that we do not know how. We are dumb clods of skin and bones.

Again if maintaining the marriage is so important to your husband, then please put in the effort to help both of you.

My lady and I married at 18. The first 4 years were a nightmare as we struggled to learn how to live together. That was 42 years ago. I have never regretted getting married or staying married.

mjl · Nov 12, 2007, 07:10 PM

He needs some counselling for his anger that you talked about for yelling at you and the kids, and you may need marriage counselling too, but you took VOWS! Does that not mean anything to you? If you didn't love him even in the beginning why did you marry him and make those vows?

Fr_Chuck · Nov 12, 2007, 07:13 PM

If you never loved him, have different views, and religions, why did you ever get married to start with, why did you even date him??

If you are not willing to work at it, then you need to get out, but both ofyou need marriage counseling to learn how to get alone and find and build love. Real love builds.