[feelingnotsoattractive]

I have been married for a month now and have been with my husband for two years and lived together the whole time. I'm 27 and he's 26. Our entire before marriage sexual relationship was extremely active. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and had sex every single day and sometimes two or three times a day. My husband has always complimented me numerous times a day and always made me feel special in every way.
He started looking at porn on the internet a little over a year after we'd been together. This didn't bother me because he was honest about it and did not try to hide anything from me. ( He is the most honest person I've ever met) I would occasionally look at it with him too, I don't see anything wrong with porn. Here lately however, he has been looking at a lot more porn than usual and then comes to bed and goes to sleep. Thus leaving me feeling very unattractive and unwanted.
(My previous husband was addicted to porn & tried to hide it & had sex with me twice a month at the most.) I know my husband loves me and I know he does not want anyone else and I certainly do not either. He brags to everyone what a perfect and beautiful wife he has all the time. He made a huge life change to be with me and my kids and he loves them like they were his own.
We went through some financial problems and had to move in with my parents for two months, so our sex life slowed down a lot due to that, which was fine. ( We live by ourselves now. ) My husband is on medication for depression and sometimes he goes through a deep depression spell that causes our sex life to come to a hault also. I know that isn't his fault either so that is okay too.
He had been taking percocet for back pain recently, and became addicted to it. He didn't know it until he didn't have anymore pills and he started having stomach problems, irritability & leg pain. We talked about his problem and he decided to consult his aunt who had a drug problem quite some time ago. We had already talked about his lack of sexual desire and he asked his aunt if it came along with the side effects. She said it did and that most effects would go away within a week. So far it seems like they have, except for the sexual side effects. We've had sex since then but it just isn't like before. It kind of seems like he's not over it but he knows I've been feeling uncomplete so he's doing it anyway and it's just to the point and over. We've always enjoyed foreplay and have talked about how important it is and how most people just do the same thing over and over and get bored with sex, and we weren't like that. When we got married he would come home from work everyday saying that everyone at work said that now that we were married I was going to stop giving him sex and that he told them they were wrong. However, he's the one that has been backing away from sex. I enjoy giving him foreplay and I try to do it often to make sure I'm pleasing him. He on the other hand, hasn't been giving me foreplay in return. I'm not sure why. I have tried wearing loose shorts and laying across the bed so when he came in the room he would be able to see right up them ( he always enjoyed that) hoping it would arouse him and direct his attention to there, but at the most I've gotten a grab on the or a 'that looks nice' or a kiss on the cheek and then him go about his business. I don't know what the problem is, but it is driving me crazy. I have always enjoyed sex and haven't ever had bad sex with him. If I wasn't as attractive to him as before , trust me he would tell me, we tell each other everything whether it may hurt the other ones feelings or not. If something is bothering one of us then no matter how insignificant, it is a problem that we got to fix.
I know he's had all these medical problems going on and he says that is the problem but I just can't help thinking it may be something else. What am I doing wrong or what do I need to do??
Our marriage is not based on sex by any means, it has just always been a very active part in our relationship and I don't want to lose that. We are very creative with it and we have a lot of fun with it. I will love him just the same either way , I just need to understand. Help please?

[N0help4u]

I hear the he did all the time before, he doesn't want to now,.
I think guys do that as a way to get you hooked on them and then once they know they have you wrapped around their finger they have a more take it for granted she can live with the real me attitude and then the true them is what you are left with.
Can you ask him why he didn't need the porn the first year you were together?
Also maybe ask him why he would rather have the porn than the real thing.
I know depression has a lot to do with it but for him to go from one extreme to another doesn't exactly add up.
Maybe the two of you should get some counseling to get to the root of why he seems to have lost interest. It could also be a medical (chemical type) imbalance effecting his lack of interest too.

[momincali]

I know you think there's nothing wrong with porn, but by watching that, 1. I think it makes him lust after these women i.e. other women and 2. he thinks by now that this is really how it should be. Sex in a marriage is much MUCH more than physical attraction. You won't always wake up feeling attracted to him but your commitment to him keeps you there, eventually, the loving feelings come back. Get the porn out of the house completely and start courting him like you did before you were married, when you were dating. Do this regularly. Have date night. Marriage is an effort, not a feeling.

[princess4u2nv]

Its only been a month, I know it seems like a long time... but think about the lifetime you'll share, you'll have plenty of time to knock boots. Relax and don't pressure him, try to find other ways to be intimate.

[donf]

Dear Feelings,

Why do you feel that you are doing anything wrong? From your description, it looks like "He" is doing the changing.

I question the sudden use of porn. Unfortunately, I see it as a warning sign because it is a sudden departure from the norm, as you expressed it.

Given the meds he is taking, it might be wise to make a list of the meds and show your family doctor the list. Ask him/her if anything in the pile of meds could cause a reduction to his libido.

What your husband seems to be going through may be nothing more than a reduction in the libido along with the idea (real or imagined) that he is no longer able to satisfy you or himself for that matter. So he starts looking around first a porn then at other women.

Again, my first suggestion is check with your doctor or his if he/she will talk to you. Next time hubby wants images of sex, see if you can interest him in the real thing rather than a mind game.

The road in front of you is not going to be easy and I do hope for the best for you. I think that it is incumbent on you to be proactive rather than wait for your hubby. He may not even see the imaginary sex as the problem it is.

[feelingnotsoattractive]

Thanks NOhelp4u

I honestly don't think he just thinks that he 'has me now.' He knows all the turmoil that came from my first marriage and he knows how much it hurt me. He also was hurt in a serious relationship that probably would have led to marriage before. We've promised each other from the get go that if one of us wasn't happy with the other one or wanted out we would tell each other and not waste each others time. I'm not trying to defend him or make excuses, I don't think there are any two people more right for each other than us.

The whole porn thing... when we first started dating I was the only thing he saw. He told me point blank from the beginning that he'd always enjoyed porn, as most guys do, and that at the time all he wanted to look at was me. He said he knew one day would come when he would want to look at it again and wanted to be honest and asked me if that was going to bother me. I was honest and said it wouldn't as long as it was some random celebrity stuff or whatever, not some person that he may see somewhere or that he would be talking with. He has never tried to hide it from me or delete his browsing history or anything like that. As for having the porn vs the real thing... He would mostly look at pics that had the same features as I do and he would also look to find different positions we could try and he would always tell me about them. He asked me to take pics for him a few times and I did. Though I trust him, due to my previous marriage my guard is always up, I would on occasion check the browsing history and a lot of times internet porn woudn't be there but my pics would pop up, so I know he enjoys looking at me. Porn isn't something he looks at religiously or even for a long time. He just does it sometimes and if he hears about a site he's never heard of , he will check it out for a few days. However lately it's been more than normal. He comments on women on TV and stuff and says they are attractive , but he always says they are not as beautiful or as sexy as me.
As for the depression... his doctor has changed his prescription before because it wasn't working well. I'm not sure if he needs to up his dosage again or not. His doctor did say that he has a chemical imbalance, but she also said that most people do , some are just more severe. I didn't know it could play a factor in sexual withdrawl though.
Counseling... I know he would move mountains with his bare hands to keep our love strong. If I asked him to go to counseling with me he would definitely go. I know we can work through anything, I just need to know that it is either medical or personal so I know how we can fix things. Do you think I should call his doctor?


Thanks momincali
I know there is much more in a marriage than sex and I know there are tons of intimate times to be had that do not involve sex at all. As for me losing attraction to him, I don't forsee that happening. In my last marriage I longed for attention and I didn't care who I got it from. Myself esteem was so low that my goal everyday was to see how many heads I could turn. I know I am an attractive person and I still turn heads, but when it happens now it doesn't mean anything to me. I don't want another man looking at me like that. I usually don't even notice other men and if one does come by who I think is attractive I do not give any facial expression to let that person know. I love my husband and I am in love with my husband and nothing will ever change that. As for dates... it's kind of hard since I have two kids, but they do go to their dad's every other weekend and we get to spend time together alone then. I really don't have anyone to keep them at any other time. We are trying to get on our feet right now so we can't afford to go on actual dates very often, but I do think that would help a lot :)


Thanks Princess4u2nv
I know it hasn't been long, and I am willing to wait as long as I have to for him, he is my soul mate. The last thing I want to do is pressure him when he's not ready, I know how that feels and that is an even bigger turn off.

[ordinaryguy]

I'm going with the depression and the meds as the most likely explanation.

[feelingnotsoattractive]

I'm going with the depression and the meds as the most likely explanation.

He's been taking the meds since last January and his doctor upped the dosage a few months ago. I'd already been thinking he may need to be upped again because he says there is always a little bit of depression there but some times he hits rock bottom and I'm the only one he will talk to about it so it's kind of hard to know. But now, yesterday he found out that his Grandma, his hero, has breast cancer and has to have surgery and it's not good. I'm afraid he's going to fall into a deep depression.

[N0help4u]

I would start with the doctor to see if he has a hormone imbalance.
Also sometime upping pyschotopic drugs is not the answer because you can build an immunity to them. He might need to switch to another antidepressant.
Also get him to take
1. Omega 3 fatty acids are compounds are found in tuna, salmon, walnuts, and canola oil. They can also be purchased in supplement form. Multiple clinical studies have shown Omega 3 fights depression. Omega 3 fats can even help combat more severe mental illnesses, such as bi-polar disorder. A landmark study by Harvard University showed that bi-polar patients receiving high doses of Omega 3 oils stayed in remission longer, and were able to combat depression better. A new study by the Mental Health Foundation shows that fish oils “significantly improve” the behavior of children suffering from ADHD, or attention deficit disorder. And, since these oils are naturally occurring in foods, they are safe for most people to take.

2. Zinc is essential for metabolism and digestion. It plays an important role in immune system function, and helps fight weakness and fatigue. Zinc deficiencies often result in loss of appetite and irritability. Zinc-rich foods are: wheat germ, pumpkin seeds, whole grain wheat bran, and high protein foods and essential for Men should always ensure enough zinc in their diets, since the health of their prostate gland is linked to zinc. Zinc is needed to manufacture testosterone and a shortage may induce a low sperm count, loss of libido and other emotional problems. Zinc may also be helpful in fighting infection and inflammation of the prostate gland in older men. It is lost on ejaculation, since sperm needs this mineral to swim towards the egg.

3. Vitamin B-3 (niacin) is essential for energy conversion in the body. Even mild deficiencies can cause depression, irritability, canker sores, and indigestion. If you regularly get canker sores in your mouth and lips, it may be a sign of B-3 deficiency. Excessive alcohol consumption causes vitamin B-3 deficiencies. Natural sources of this vitamin are beets, pork, chicken, dried beans and oily fish (such as mackerel or salmon).

4. Water is absolutely essential for combating depression and fighting fatigue. Water helps improve mood, motor function, mind power, skin problems, and a host of other maladies. Always drink at least 40 ounces of water a day. If you drink soda or coffee, it is good to increase your water intake, since caffeine acts as a diuretic, pulling water from the body. The benefits are enormous, and the cost is minimal. Drink more water!

5. Vitamin E occurs naturally in wheat germ, nuts, seeds, and some fruits and vegetables. Vitamin E is a potent anti-oxidant and immune booster. It has been shown to strengthen red blood cells and fight viral infection. It is a good supplement for people with chronic fatigue and depression.

6. Calcium can help combat stress and anxiety. Studies have shown that calcium can help combat post-partum depression. Calcium-deficient people regularly complain of difficulty sleeping and cramps. Calcium has the added benefit of being a natural sleep-aid. It is present in milk, cheese, and most dairy products. Other non-dairy sources include broccoli, tofu and fortified orange juice.

7. Folic Acid is found in leafy greens, beans and peanuts, orange juice, wheat germ, and many fortified cereals. Researchers know that low levels of folic acid are directly linked to depression. A University of Toronto study showed that patients with higher levels of folic acid in their systems fought depression faster and more successfully than those without it.

8. Vitamin C is a natural immune-system booster. Depressed people often have suppressed immune systems, and vitamin C rich foods and supplements can help boost your natural immune response. People with vitamin C deficiencies often show signs of depression and stress. Vitamin C is readily available in all citrus fruits, and a variety of inexpensive supplement

Some herbal supplements that might help his sex desires are
L-Arginine, gingko, B complex,

Herbs to help restore low sex drive.

[feelingnotsoattractive]

Wow, thanks NOhelp4u, that is all some very good information to know. I'm definitely going to share that information with him. I really appreciate your help!! I will let you know how things turn out :)

[kp2171]

Depression and meds are a huge key.

Does he exercise? If not, is there a way for you to someone exercise with him... like a trip to the gym a few times a week? I've found from personal experience that one of the best ways to amp up your sex drive is to be physically active. You feel better, stronger, and you get excited about your health... and I think that naturally leads to a stronger mental outlook and an ability to refocus on sexual intimacy.

Most relationships have lulls and peaks concerning sex. Yours is compounded by the issues with depression. And I personally thought that the "honeymoon" period was one of the hardest in my now eight year marriage. There's a lot of adjusting, even if you have been together for some time.

Don't give up.

[feelingnotsoattractive]

No, he does not exercise. He is like 5'11 and just reached 140lbs for the first time in his life. He is just now getting a little tiny pinch of fat on his stomach, it's so cute;) He is a smoker, which I am too, but he's smoked two packs a day for ten years, and he will run around and play with the kids, but too much shortens his breath. The only exercise he'd be interested in would be weight lifting, he's done that before and enjoyed it. He wants to gain weight, so I don't know.
I'm going to use all the suggestions and I'll be checking back for more, but I will definitely not give up. I said 'I do' and I meant 'I do,' I love my husband with all my heart.:)

[savedsinner7]

Porn destroys. Respect is vital in marriage. Men need this like we need air. Date nights are definitely a good idea.

I know you think there's nothing wrong with porn, but by watching that, 1. I think it makes him lust after these women i.e., other women and 2. he thinks by now that this is really how it should be. Sex in a marriage is much MUCH more than physical attraction. You won't always wake up feeling attracted to him but your committment to him keeps you there, eventually, the loving feelings come back. Get the porn out of the house completely and start courting him like you did before you were married, when you were dating. Do this regularly. Have date night. Marriage is an effort, not a feeling.

[Tranquility]

Do something exciting, take a week or even the weekend off and go somewhere adventurous (u may not need to spend too much money). It heals and rekindles...

[Wondergirl]

The exercising together wouldn't be for weight loss as much as it is for doing something together and for building endurance and flexibility and improving balance and all that other good stuff.

I vote for the medications and the depression being a part of his sexual problem. Smoking too can mess up one's sex life. A doctor's evaluation of ALL his meds for their interactions as well as their effectiveness along with a few sessions with a good counselor will definitely help get things back on track.