I'm in my late teens, and first year of uni, but have been having problems for over two years now.
I have changes in mood and behaviour that seem to change about every 6 months. For 6 months I'll be OK, fairly happy and ethusiastic about the world, then around the middle of the year comes and I decline. I become apathetic about a lot of things, and the quality of my work goes down. I'm increasingly distractable and find it really difficult to concentrate on anything for long periods. I find myself phasng out of the world and not remembering what's gone on around me. I just go blank, but when I'm aware of what's going on in my head it frightens me. I keep music playing in my head because it stops me from thinking about other things that shouldn't be there... but it doesn't always work. I'm just becoming so irrational, and it frustrates me because I know exactly how irrational I'm being but it still happens. I'm always quiet about this, and nobody seems to notice it. If I go blank they just assume I'm tired, if I seem anxious they just assume it's stress from my workload but it's driving me insane! And people are constantly using me as their agony aunt because I'm always willing to listen. But I don't just listen, I totally over-empathise, which people tend to appreciate... but it's difficult for me. When I hear about someone else's bad experiences it's difficult for me to detach myself, so I'm dealing with vicarious stress.
On top of that, I have a genetic tremor that everyone in my family seems to have. It's pretty mild and for most of us, the only issue is slightly messier handwriting than most people have. But in th past year, it's been getting a lot worse for me. It's always been slightly worse if I'm stressed/tired/nervous/hungry/upset etc, but now it's got to the point that if one of those triggers happens, I start shuddering uncontrolably, and my everyday shaking is pretty bad. I break things and can't stay still. I feel awkward with everything. I'm constantly working with my hands at uni and in a workshop as well as using sign language with some deaf and autistic kids. If I can't use my hands, I'll literally lose everything. I don't know if the shaking is getting worse for physical or psychological reasons.
A couple of years ago, my grandmother died. She and I had never been very close, but she was always someone I looked up to, respected, and of course loved. Her loss however, was less difficult than having to deal with my family feuding over trivialities like the will (which began several months before she died - heartless bastards), receiving abusive messages from a schizophrenic aunt, and the fact that my uncle came to the funeral complete with handcuffs and a police escort. So at this point my family wasn't exactly a nurturing and supportive environment. In the months following this I broke up with my long-term boyfriend because I felt that I was emotionally cheating on him with a friend (who is incidentally bipolar and suffers from extreme emotional problems), my best friend stopped coming to school and refused to talk to anyone, and one of my pets died. I went through my first long phase of feeling completely disconnected to everything around then. I've had this happening for much longer, but it being so long-term, extreme and cyclical is new.
About a year later, it re-occurred, but without any major triggers. I tried going to see a counsellor because I don't feel comfortable confiding in anybody. As I said, lots of people confide in me, but I can't bring myself to be that open. The counsellor suggested that I might be bipolar. I don't think I am, but her suggesting this frightened me, so the next time I went to see her I was forcibly relaxed and happy, so she suggested that maybe I'd just been having a bad week, as I'm obviously a charming, intelligent, bright, witty girl. It was a complete act of course, as my entire life is a façade... but the cover is getting harder for me.
I'm not depressed. I'm not unhappy. I'm just not happy either. And I get frightened, often by the most innocent things.
About a month ago my other grandmother died. She and I were extremely close. It hit me hard, especially as I was living alone at the time. This wasn't helped by the fact that my 4 closest friends were out of the country at the time. I had already been well into my apathetic phase, but this made me feel completely alone... so I did some stupid things like binge drinking and having casual sex. And what worried me here wasn't that I was doing those things, it was that I didn't feel BAD about doing those things. I should have and I don't.
I've always been a model student, and although considered "weird" since I was about 5, have never lacked friends. I've always been able to articulate things clearly, but now I can't. I mean, even here I'm rambling and jumping about, writing incoherently long sentences. And I keep using words in the wrong context or trailing off or talking too fast... point being that I can no longer communicate to the level I'm used to.
On top of that, I've had some people tell me I look frighteningly expressionaless, while others have said I look bug-eyed and scary or that I don't blink enough. Some have said I'm over-zealous with my expressions and I look slightly manic. People keep thinking I'm feeling things that contrast strongly with what I'm actually feeling.
I don't feel a lot of things at the moment. I'm in a completely different zone. I've been told to see a psych by the few people who I've mentioned this to, and I didn't even go into any detail. I've tried looking up random symptoms and it's been suggested that I'm bipolar, schizophrenic, schizotypal, have social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, OCD and a huge range of other possibilites (including, ironically enough, hyperchondria).
What I want to know is: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
