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help22 · Oct 26, 2007, 11:13 PM

Hello, I have fell in love with a married man. He and his wife were split up when I meet him. He says he loves me but he won't divorce his wife because he says he still loves and cares about her. He says he loves and cares about us both and can't make his mind up. What should I do? I love him very much.

charlotte234s · Oct 26, 2007, 11:58 PM

He needs to pick one person or the other. It's not fair to either you or his wife. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Talk to him and tell him you need him to make some decisions, and it may be hard, but it's for the best of everyone involved.

ber721 · Oct 27, 2007, 10:36 AM

He's married leave him alone and move on

heartbrokinbama · Oct 28, 2007, 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by charlotte234s

He needs to pick one person or the other. it's not fair to either you or his wife. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Talk to him and tell him you need him to make some decisions, and it may be hard, but it's for the best of everyone involved.

Go for him if you love him... true love is hard to find.

heartbrokinbama · Oct 28, 2007, 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by charlotte234s

He needs to pick one person or the other. it's not fair to either you or his wife. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Talk to him and tell him you need him to make some decisions, and it may be hard, but it's for the best of everyone involved.

I too love a married man... It is the hardest thing I have ever been involved in. I want to see him every day. We both want to keep it going but it is soooo hard not to be able to call when I want. Finding time together is difficult... but always well worth it. Our mental connection is so strong it is painful when we separate until we meet again. Only someone in this situation would know this feeling.

charlotte234s · Oct 28, 2007, 09:33 PM

It's a hard predicament to be in, I understand that much, and I'm sorry that these kinds of things happen and people suffer for them.

I know it's probably very hard, but it isn't fair for him to be running around with 2 women, not to his wife or the other woman who is in love with him.

:( I hope you get your issues resolved soon for everyone's best interests.

kp2171 · Oct 28, 2007, 10:03 PM

Originally Posted by heartbrokinbama

Only someone in this situation would know this feeling.

These kinds of comments, seen over and over on threads like this, drive me mad. It's a way for people engaged in adultry to try to exclude their situation from all others.

Likewise the soul-mate talk that commonly occurs is of the same vein. It's a lot like how teenagers talk... "nobody else can understand us". Mkay. Right.

You're THAT special that the rest of us mortals cannot relate? Please! We understand heartache and frustration and wanting and hurt. We just also seem to understand willpower and self respect a little more... no etheral, mystical, magical "love" should strip me of that. But hey, maybe that's just me.

To address to OP, until he's free and clear you are engaged with a man who isn't committed to you. I understand he was separated. I also understand he's not divorced.

How can we tell our kids to keep their pants on and to do the right things if we can't ourselves? I have loved women I couldn't be with... never because they were married, just bad timing or a bad match. I wasn't a victim. I left.

You cannot stay and play the victim to the man. You don't get that luxury. You might love him, but I hope you love yourself more first.

Time to step back, as much as it sucks and hurts. Time to know REALITY. Is he really leaving her? Is he really that vested in you? Staying and hoping and waiting is a ruse. Its smoke and mirrors. Its enabling.

I know good people get conned. And sometimes good people fall in love with others who are in a bad spot. OK. Is he willing to get out of that spot? Are you willing to be in control or are you willing to play the part of the poor woman who was used? At what point are you responsible for your actions?

Better to know reality, in my mind. Back off. He will come to you or not... and I don't mean plead for you to come back while he works things out... I mean he works things out and then chases you down... after.

Scour the threads here ladies. There are many, many of them involving affairs with married men. It gets so ugly, and love doesn't have to be this hard.

He's making it this hard and you are letting him by your own choice.

fjsmith81 · Oct 28, 2007, 10:31 PM

love is a funny thing. Sometimes you think that you are head over heels in love with someone and then you break up and have time to yourself to regroup and find that it wasn't love at all.
why sit around waiting for someone to pick you? What are you a car or some door prize? No you are a person and you deserve better than that. Why let him make a decision that will possibly affect your life drastically. This is easier said than done, but you need to make the decision for yourself. Take yourself out of the equation and see what happens. And I mean completely. You are going to cry for awhile and be depressed but it seems to me the way things are going it would be better for you to do it sooner rather than later. Because odds are he is going to pick his wife. That little piece of paper is a very powerful thing. Really you need to get out there and do things to take your mind off him and you never know you might make yourself emotionally available to someone that isn't married and doesn't have to choose if he wants to be with you or someone else.
(if he does pick you he still loves his wife you will have to worry about him cheating on you to be with her)

illusion48 · Dec 25, 2007, 09:09 AM

He said it clearly that: " he wont divorce his wife because he says he still loves and cares about her." So his decision is already made.
Now, it's on you if you except the 2nd place and you stay his lover that for sur won't be easy or you refuse it and move on.

s_cianci · Dec 25, 2007, 09:24 AM

Make up your mind and walk away. Do you really want to spend your life playing second fiddle to another man's wife?

talaniman · Dec 25, 2007, 09:43 AM

If your dumb enough to put your head in a noose, don't complain when you hang yourself!!

lavenderly · Dec 26, 2007, 01:31 PM

It indeed is getting ugly when women get involved with married men. U may say that love strikes and u can't help it. But in this world, there are many people who are suitable for u.

A man can love two women at the same time. A woman can also have feelings for more than one man. If u agree to this, then please head for the exit. Plant your love on another man who is suitable for you AND not married!

N0help4u · Dec 26, 2007, 01:35 PM

Make up his mind FOR him, tell him that if and when he leaves her for good to check with you to see IF you are still available in the meantime adios amigos!