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zipper82 · Oct 8, 2007, 06:45 PM

OK, fine, so technically he has been "separated"- whatever that means- from his wife. I have been dating him for a little over a month now, and he recently informed me that he is a father and has two children... get this: the only reason why she wanted a second child by him is because she did not want the other child to be "lonely" and she did not want to have TWO fathers. And this guy tells me that he had "too much pride" which is why he gave her another child... I AM TRULY HEARTBROKEN. I really enjoy so much about him, but I am 22, he is 30 and he has 2 children to tend to. Should I deal with him? I am so hesitant. My mother would kill me if she knew he had children, and while I was looking forward to being with him in the long term, this is on my mind, and I believe that I will always be sour towards the fact. Do I sacrifice my expectations to be with someone? Is it too early to tell? Am I to young to be dealing with this? PLEASE HELP ME!

Fr_Chuck · Oct 8, 2007, 07:35 PM

If you really loved him ( since he is seperated) nothing would make a difference, since you are still concerned what others may think, you are reallly not ready for a long term seroius relationship yet, or have not meet that person who would make nothing else matter.

N0help4u · Oct 8, 2007, 07:36 PM

I'd back off some until I knew the situation better. For ONE, are you sure they are separated and no chance of getting back together?

mwilliams15 · Oct 8, 2007, 07:59 PM

NO.. move on before it gets to serious.

Clough · Oct 8, 2007, 08:02 PM

I do agree with the answers above. I do want to emphasize the importance of backing off right now.

You mean that you have been dating him for over a month and he has just recently told you he is a father and has two children? What else has he not told you? If he was going to be involved with anyone else if I were him, I would have laid the "cards out on the table" at the beginning. He may already be exhibiting some issues with being honest.

Please just back off and let him and her finish out the situation between them for now. They aren't divorced yet.

Wondergirl · Oct 8, 2007, 08:03 PM

Wait until he is legally divorced.

His kids may be the best things ever to come into your life. Have you met either of them?

Ash123 · Oct 8, 2007, 08:05 PM

1) What is it exactly that you will "always be sour" about?

2) I do not see this relationship with you as being too serious (from his standpoint) at this point... He has a world of other things going on. You are young and he is in transition.

zipper82 · Oct 9, 2007, 10:18 AM

When I mean "sour" I mean that the fact that this man has children will always be in the back of my mind... Won't I always be "#2"... is this what I really have to prepare myself for? I don't have any problems with kids. As a matter of fact, I love kids and I want them someday when I am married, however, it is quite disturbing to meet someone who has already "been there, done that"- and then expects you to pick up and find yourself in the midst of all of it. The relationship is serious. I know for a fact that he does not speak to this woman... he does see his kids and he pays child support- that's it. I do have a trust issue with him because he chose to tell me after we were seeing each other and after he "fell" for me. "I can't help who I fall in love with"... the typical married man answer... my reply was you can't help it, but you can control your feelings and emotions. I know I am too young for this and even though I told him I am determined and would be there, I don't even know anymore.

zipper82 · Oct 9, 2007, 10:20 AM

I told him I would also wait until he was legally divorced, but then it's as though that is a guarantee to him that things will work out in the end between him and I.

smoothy · Oct 9, 2007, 10:24 AM

How long has he been separated? 2 weeks, 6 months, 2 years? And why did he wait a month to pop this revelation on you?

zipper82 · Oct 9, 2007, 10:30 AM

He stopped talking to her in 2004. They only are in communication for the sake of their children. He waited a month because he wanted to see where thinngs were going to gowith us- and upon that determination, he would have either told me, which he did, or we wouldn't have been speaking and I would have never known.

Tuscany · Oct 9, 2007, 10:32 AM

Wait... he has 2 kids with her but does not talk to her? And when was the second child conceived... I am a bit confused.

smoothy · Oct 9, 2007, 10:34 AM

Originally Posted by zipper82

He stopped talking to her in 2004. They only are in communication for the sake of their children. He waited a month because he wanted to see where thinngs were going to gowith us- and upon that determination, he would have either told me, which he did, or we wouldn't have been speaking and I would have never known.

Has he filed divorce papers yet? And if so when is the divorce expected to be final. If after 3 years papers haven't even been filed I'd run, and run far.

LearningAsIGo · Oct 9, 2007, 10:48 AM

It doesn't sound like he's being very honest with you. Its normal that you would have reservations. At your age, dating someone married and with children is a big commitment. You've not just entered his life, but the life of his wife and kids... if they've met you yet or not.

On your first date he should have bragged about his children and acted like a proud father. The fact that he didn't... and he seems so distant from them... like he didn't want them... I would RUN if I were you.

And this guy tells me that he had "too much pride" which is why he gave her another child.

That just doesn't make sense. If he had PRIDE, he wouldn't have hidden them from you and a good man doesn't "give" his wife another child under these circumstances.
Remember, you're only hearing his side of things. For all you know he begged her to have a second child. At the very least, wait until he's officially divorced. Separated could mean he'll go back to her. After 3 years... if that's true... he should have filed for divorce by now.

How old are these children? Both born before 2004 I assume?

shatteredsoul · Oct 9, 2007, 11:46 AM

Yes you are too young, no you shouldn't put up with this.. HE is older, and financially and emotionally involved with his wife and children. Why on earth would you want your young and fun years to be tied up to his troubles.. If he loves you so much, tell him to call you after his divorce is final and custody arrangements are made. Otherwise you are just contributing to the demise of his marriage and the destruction of his family. GET out STAY out and hang out with people that are your age, unattached and carefree.
YOU have your whole life to be married with kids, you don't want to start your life attached to someone else's marriage and family. NOTHING good will come of this, no matter how good he is in bed, or how he provides for you, or all the wonderful things he says, NOTHING IS WORTH being with someone who is with SOMEONE else.
If he loves you, and it is meant to be.. he will get divorced and contact you when he does. UNTIL then, I would cut all ties with him and go on a trip with all girls to somewhere fun and exciting. That is what being young and single is ALL ABOUT!
Don't waste your life on a man like this, if he had any integrity at all, he would have left you alone to begin with.

Ash123 · Oct 9, 2007, 01:59 PM

Sounds like a problem on all fronts:

1) You are not cool with his kids "Been there done that"
2) He is not cool in telling you quickly
3) And he is not even fully out of the marriage dynamic

This is not in good shape for a long haul as I see it. At LEAST 1 1/2 years away.

As I see it, your heart will heal better elsewhere. At least for now...
That's as simply as I can put it