[AdvicePlease]

We've been married for a little over 3 years now (no kids). My wife brings home work to do a lot which takes up the majority of her energy each day. This basically means not much gets done unless I do it. I cook, I clean, I pay the bills, and pretty much do everything else. We've talked about getting a maid to help but we haven't done it yet. I'm getting tired of doing everything and it's making me more and more grumpy and my wife can tell that I'm not happy about it, but, still she doesn't do anything about it. I understand she has to do her work due to her profession but she is naturally lazy as well which she admits. She won't clean the house unless we have guests coming over. If she has free time she wants her personal time to do what she wants which I can understand. However, I'm so tired of always doing everything and I'm tired of nagging her. I've gotten to point of yelling at her about this topic which is really bad for our relationship. Yesterday, I yelled again and we aren't talking now. I know I shouldn't yell and instead talk it out but I've tried that and she doesn't take my concerns seriously. I think I'm losing it and it makes me think about where our marriage is headed. What should I do? And am I being selfish?

:-(

[Leidenschaftlich für Wahr]

Do you work at all? I mean maybe Im kind of a traditionalist but it seems like the roles are a little switched here. But I mean if you keep up with things its really not that bad. Do one load of clothes a week, wash your dish when you dirty it... etc...

[AdvicePlease]

Do you work at all? I mean maybe Im kind of a traditionalist but it seems like the roles are a little switched here. But I mean if you keep up with things its really not that bad. do one load of clothes a week, wash your dish when you dirty it... etc...

Thanks for your reply Leidenschaftlich für Wahr :-)

I work full time as well.

Yesterday, I came home from the gym and was ready for a shower but my wife was looking in our fridgerator for something to eat for dinner. I offered to cook her dinner like I always do. I started cooking right away. As we were finishing eating my wife said to me, "why are you sitting on the couch and leaning on our blanket when you are so in need of a shower?" That's when I get upset and thought that was very disrespectful. I offered to cook her dinner immediately and this the credit and comment that I get from her. Do you think I was overreacting because really felt my blood pressure rising?

... And, yes, it does sound like the roles switched and it's because she doesn't like manual labor so I have to deal with that. I didn't know this before we got married so I'm basically taking it as it is.

[RubyPitbull]

You aren't being selfish. But, you are allowing your resentment to build up to the point where you are losing yourself control. Not good my friend. You know yelling and arguing solves nothing and in the end, if you say something hurtful, you can't just take it back.

I suggest if you have the money to do so, you should hire a service such a "Merry Maids" to clean your home from top to bottom once a week or even just twice a month. They are bonded and insured. You can talk to them about setting up a regular schedule while you are both out working. If you are worried about valuables even with their being insured, get a safe and put it in the back of your closet. Finding someone else to clean will be a huge load off your back. Ask them if they include doing laundry in their service. If not and there is laundry to be done, you and your wife need to agree to a schedule. One week you do it, one week she does it. Keep a chart, stick it up in a place where you both will see it every day, so there is no misunderstanding as to whose turn it is. I bet if the cleaning is taken care of, the other stuff that needs to get done, won't feel like such a burden to her. The nights you don't feel like cooking, get delivery or take out. If you are both dieting, keep some Lean Cuisines in the freezer or you both should work together to cut up a huge bowl of salad on Sundays that you keep in the refrigerator in a sealed container so that it stays fresh for a few days. Then you won't have any major cooking to do for at least a few days out of the week. Or, you can set up the same kind of schedule with cooking as I suggested with the laundry if she is willing to work with you on this.

The best way for you to resolve issues with your wife is to start initiating a "date night" once a week at a restaurant (Friday nights?), just to discuss what is going on in each of your lives apart and together. It really will bring you both closer, and will give you the opportunity to have her undivided attention when there is a problem that you need to discuss with her. If there is a problem discussed, make sure that you both have come up with at least one solution prior to leaving the restaurant.

[RubyPitbull]

Sorry, I was writing and didn't see your subsequent response. I would be pissed off too if someone said that to me. Next time, tell her to either go get some take out or order in, and take your shower. DO NOT allow her to change your schedule, if she is unwilling to change hers. You both need to find some common ground and have a discussion about mutual respect. Make that the topic of conversation Friday night when you start "date night." ;)

[Leidenschaftlich für Wahr]

Well note that this is just me, and it might not work in all relationships, but I would start doing things like wash YOUR clothes, wash YOUR dishes, and just tell her that hey, you work too.
Fix yourself meals, make your side of the bed...
So, she can either wear dirty clothes and eat from dirty dishes, or get her lazy butt up and do some work.
She can't think things clean,
Tell her its not her fault... but she was born a human being and needs to function as one.

[AdvicePlease]

You aren't being selfish. But, you are allowing your resentment to build up to the point where you are losing your self control. Not good my friend. You know yelling and arguing solves nothing and in the end, if you say something hurtful, you can't just take it back.

I suggest if you have the money to do so, you should hire a service such a "Merry Maids" to clean your home from top to bottom once a week or even just twice a month. They are bonded and insured. You can talk to them about setting up a regular schedule while you are both out working. If you are worried about valuables even with their being insured, get a safe and put it in the back of your closet. Finding someone else to clean will be a huge load off your back. Ask them if they include doing laundry in their service. If not and there is laundry to be done, you and your wife need to agree to a schedule. One week you do it, one week she does it. Keep a chart, stick it up in a place where you both will see it every day, so there is no misunderstanding as to whose turn it is. I bet if the cleaning is taken care of, the other stuff that needs to get done, won't feel like such a burden to her. The nights you don't feel like cooking, get delivery or take out. If you are both dieting, keep some Lean Cuisines in the freezer or you both should work together to cut up a huge bowl of salad on Sundays that you keep in the refrigerator in a sealed container so that it stays fresh for a few days. Then you won't have any major cooking to do for at least a few days out of the week. Or, you can set up the same kind of schedule with cooking as I suggested with the laundry if she is willing to work with you on this.

The best way for you to resolve issues with your wife is to start initiating a "date night" once a week at a restaurant (Friday nights?), just to discuss what is going on in each of your lives apart and together. It really will bring you both closer, and will give you the opportunity to have her undivided attention when there is a problem that you need to discuss with her. If there is a problem discussed, make sure that you both have come up with at least one solution prior to leaving the restaurant.

Thanks RubyPitbull :-)

Yes, unfortunately, I'm the type that holds it in until I can't stand it any longer. However, your suggestions are great. Thank you. I will try discuss with her after we start talking again.
I actually enjoy cooking but honestly the woman hasn't cooked me a hot meal for 2 years now. It's really lopsided.

[RubyPitbull]

That is fine that you enjoy cooking. But do it when you are in the mood to do it and not because you feel you must. Marriage is a two way street. If you both are doing the things that will make it easier just for your wife, that is quite lopsided, and you both are to blame for allowing that to happen. You aren't her doormat. You are her husband. She needs to understand that she is now in a situation in which this is a team effort. You both should be working together toward the same goals. The problems and issues that are arising may seem monumental to you, but they really are easy to resolve if you put your thinking cap on. "Date night" is an additional way for the two of you to bond and really get across that you are both are in this together. When the really big problems arise (family death, losing a job, buying a house,. ) it will be so much easier for you to talk and come up with solutions if you are used to putting aside and dedicating at least one evening a week to spend together.

[AdvicePlease]

Thanks for your suggestions :-)

I need to stay calm or walk away or something next time before I start yelling because now I have an angry wife after last night and I'm not sure how to fix it even though she shouldn't have said what she did.

I think I've honestly spoiled her now. It's kind of ironic because she works so hard at her job and at home she completely has the opposite mentality. I've told her a few times I'll die early if I keep going like this. I get no response.

[AdvicePlease]

I think I'm beginning to ramble :-)

[RubyPitbull]

Well, the honeymoon is definitely over. You might have spoiled her and she became accustomed to you catering to her, so as I said, you both are to blame over this situation getting as out of hand as it has.

If she refuses to speak with you, write her a note tonight telling her that you apologize for blowing up and that you were angry with her because you felt that instead of appreciating what you did for her, she chose instead to focus on something negative. Tell her it hurt you deeply and although you know it is not any excuse for yelling at her, you are feeling as if she is taking the things you do for her for granted. Leave the note where she is sure to find it in the morning. This will either stir her to begin speaking with you immediately, or she will think about it during the day and will speak with you when she gets home. I suggest when she does speak with you, that you ask her out on a date with you to dinner either tomorrow night or Saturday night. THEN, be prepared to talk about what is bothering you. Tell her that you both need to work on coming up with solutions together so that you don't feel as frustrated as you do now.

As a woman who worked insane hours when I was younger, all the things I was suggesting to you is what my late husband and I did to resolve the problem of not having any time to get the things at home accomplished. We lived in an apartment complex with the washer/dryer located all the way on the opposite side of the building, three floors down. I actually found a service that picked up our laundry at our door and dropped it off the next day. I found a cleaning service to come in twice a month. AND, we did date night. Every Friday night it was a different restaurant. It was a lot of fun. I had what I consider a very good marriage because we discussed everything and together found solutions to whatever was going on TOGETHER. Both you and your wife have to tackle your personal problems as you would handle your problems at your respective work places. It has to be done through logically mapping out what the issues are and bouncing ideas off each other. I guarantee that it will bring you closer and the mutual respect that comes out of that will enable your marriage to flourish.

[AdvicePlease]

Thanks for sharing RubyPitbull :-)

I will do as you suggest.

I've always thought people's careers as possibly taking the #1 spot from time to time but I believe it can never be #1 at all times or else don't get married.

Thanks again :-)

[Homegirl 50]

Get a maid if you can afford it so that your free time can be spent as a couple. You are doing what you have always done and now you want to change the game plan. So take her out to dinner and tell her the new game plan, but don't get upset because she has not read your mind.

[donf]

Advice please,

Let me ask this of you. When the career ends, which it will, who will still be there for her, you or the company.

I was like your wife during my tenure with IBM. I would get up, check my e-mail from home, toddle off to work very early, leave early so I could work from home for the rest of the afternoon.

However after a surgical procedure, I suffered a Pulmonary Embolism and I was out of work for a little over 18 weeks. Do you know what I learned during and after the eighteen weeks, IBM did not collapse without me. However my wife stayed by me every step of way on my way back from the embolism.

Would you like to guess who it was the helped me through the first year of my retirement and who is still at my side? I'll give you a little hint, its not IBM!

[AdvicePlease]

Thanks for sharing donf :-)