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queenannsrev · Oct 10, 2007, 11:02 AM

Hi, I started dating a girl that was recently separated, she had been so for about a year, she said she had dated and was ready for a relationship, we spent the first 4 months just hanging out and that turned into a relationship. I supported her emotions during her divorce constantly building her self estiem, it took almost 18 months for her divorice to become final. We dated for 9 of those and broke up because she finally said I am not ready. I was ready for this for I sinced it and was at the point myself. We stayed apart for 2 months no contact she called me said she missed me and loved me so we started dating. We lasted one month and one week. During this time she always told me she loved me. For that matter the night be for we broke up she said she loved me. She has always said I am her best friend. Well we talked on the phone on a Friday and before hanging up she said I love you. I called her Saturday and she said I want to date others but I don't want to lose you. Now we are suppose to be friends. Just get together and hang while she dates. Sounds to me like she wants her cake and eat it too. If I date I can only date one women at a time after a few dates, I can't play the field. So the question is simple should I tell her bye or keep in contact via e-mail. I am so confussed, when things are good they are GREAT but this time it caught me off guard. She sends me e-mails telling me she is thinking of me. She says I hope we both find peace. I understand she is healing from her divorce but I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them one day and break up the next. Any suggestion thank you.

Foxy459459 · Oct 10, 2007, 11:09 AM

It sounds like she's very confused about her feelings. How long was she married for? BUt then again it seems like she wants her cake and eat it to. I would try and sit down and have a long conversation with her about this.

queenannsrev · Oct 10, 2007, 11:15 AM

She was married for 15 years and in an abusive marriage. She knows or at least she says how good I am to her and she is always thinking me for my support. I want to hang in there but hanging while she is dating would be very difficult. I think we should all be with out best friend. Thanks for any advice. Just trying to sort it all out with out making a stupid mistake that I will regret.

Zell · Oct 10, 2007, 12:58 PM

Its sounds like she's using you to heal herself. I would say the best thing to do is No contact and move on, or at least disappear until she has sorted herself out. If you stay hanging around, its only going to hurt and confuse you even more. You don't deserve to be used by anyone, no one does. So don't let her. Its hard to let go of people you have feelings for but sometimes its for the best.

Good luck dude

THATguy23 · Oct 10, 2007, 01:13 PM

Wow, that's a tough situation. I honestly think you just got to move on. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too. You don't need her, you can get over her and move on. Let the memories be memories, but find some other girl or girls to date - it's going to be a trial and error process to find a girl you like again, but that's how it is - eventually you enjoy being single again.

queenannsrev · Oct 11, 2007, 01:52 PM

I think I will keep in contact via e- mail and be a friend give her space and see what happens she is so worth it. If I get hurt so be it but this women is awesome.

ordinaryguy · Oct 11, 2007, 03:48 PM

Being a savior to someone who's getting out of a 15-year abusive marriage is a really hard job. It's a great thing to do for somebody if you can put out that kind of energy while TRULY not expecting anything in return. But most of us eventually do want something (committed love) in return, and a person who's freshly out of that kind of relationship is rarely able to give it. Hard as it is to do, my advice is to back off, give her the space to do whatever she needs to do to heal herself (possibly even repeat her mistake), while you find somebody else to be intimate with. If you stay fixated on her, you'll end up gutted, I'm afraid.

talaniman · Oct 11, 2007, 03:57 PM

I think taking her word that she was ready for a relationship, one year from a 15 year bad marriage was not realistic, on your part. But you have helped her through a rough spot, so now back off and wish her well. Because she is confused, doesn't mean you have to be.

statictable · Oct 11, 2007, 03:57 PM

Hi Broken Heart; Can you slide a piece of that cake across the table?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Simply delicious, thanks.

friend4u178 · Oct 11, 2007, 06:40 PM

The fact that she wants to date other people clearly shows she doesn't really Love you sorry. Would you date someone else if you were in love with the person you could be with ? She is using you as her backup. You need to let her be and don't be there for her all the time. She can have all of you or none of you.

Look , at the end of the day it's your decision , but if you want to be "The Backup" then you can only blame yourself when nothing comes of it later on down the track.

queenannsrev · Oct 11, 2007, 06:44 PM

Thanks to all that have responded, I have made my choice , I am going to get out and date, be a pin pal and move on. I had a chance to sit with a old friend that helped me a lot again thanks to all this site really helped me.

Ash123 · Oct 11, 2007, 08:13 PM

She's normal and so are you...

Not a solution perhaps. But understanding her will help.

Divorced women need time. I think she may in fact love you (I disagree with Friend4u178 on this one), but doesn't want to drag you through the mess of her getting herself together.

She probably wants to keep you within reach - which is not fair - and keep you as a friend - which is unrealistic. But I think she DOES care. But for Queenansrev to get anywhere you have to go away - for a while... 6 months. If you can. Not easy. But what she is saying is normal... Go away and if she finds you, so be it. Your work is over...

friend4u178 · Oct 11, 2007, 08:18 PM

You could be right Ash , just my opinion!

Foxy459459 · Oct 12, 2007, 05:45 AM

IM glad that we could help you that's what we are here for. Things will get better I can promise you that. Time heals all. And when you meet that right girl you will know it.

queenannsrev · Oct 21, 2007, 03:28 AM

Just a follow up. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone here. I would like to share the status, that sticking it out and waiting is working. She asked me on a date, we went out Saturday and just spent time walking and talking in the park. Sometime during the walk we just happened to look at each other and ask for a hug at the same time, she admitted she loved me, didn't want to see anyone else didn’t like the thought of me seeing anyone else, but just felt like she needed time to find her way. I told her to take her time and enjoy life, I asked her who her best friend was and she replied you, with that all said we both agree we are best friends we date only each other but we keep going with our lives until we God decides to bring them together. With that said she asked me to dinner and I accepted. We ate and talked some more. We ended the date around 7 for two reasons one she had to be home for her daughter and two I had to take care of my old dog. So as for the cake and eat it too, no not so, Confused about life yes. Does she love me? Yes she does. The old saying if you love something set it free if it comes back it's yours if not it never was is true. We will be together for some time how long only God knows but I am going to enjoy the times we have and show her everyday how much I love her and how much she means to me. Again thank you to all that have replied , I don’t know if we end up together for life but for now I have her, for now she has me and for now we have each other. Take care and God Bless you all.

queenannsrev · Oct 21, 2007, 03:28 AM

Originally Posted by Foxy459459

IM glad that we could help you thats what we are here for. Things will get better i can promise you that. Time heals all. and when you meet that right girl you will know it.

Just a follow up. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone here. I would like to share the status, that sticking it out and waiting is working. She asked me on a date, we went out Saturday and just spent time walking and talking in the park. Sometime during the walk we just happened to look at each other and ask for a hug at the same time, she admitted she loved me, didn't want to see anyone else didn’t like the thought of me seeing anyone else, but just felt like she needed time to find her way. I told her to take her time and enjoy life, I asked her who her best friend was and she replied you, with that all said we both agree we are best friends we date only each other but we keep going with our lives until we God decides to bring them together. With that said she asked me to dinner and I accepted. We ate and talked some more. We ended the date around 7 for two reasons one she had to be home for her daughter and two I had to take care of my old dog. So as for the cake and eat it too, no not so, Confused about life yes. Does she love me? Yes she does. The old saying if you love something set it free if it comes back it's yours if not it never was is true. We will be together for some time how long only God knows but I am going to enjoy the times we have and show her everyday how much I love her and how much she means to me. Again thank you to all that have replied , I don’t know if we end up together for life but for now I have her, for now she has me and for now we have each other. Take care and God Bless you all.

friend4u178 · Oct 21, 2007, 04:43 AM

Good on you , hope it all works out for the best :-)

julymermaid · Oct 21, 2007, 05:41 AM

Originally Posted by queenannsrev

Hi, I started dating a girl that was recently seperated, she had been so for about a year, she said she had dated and was ready for a relationship, we spent the first 4 months just hanging out and that turned into a relationship. I supported her emotions during her divorce constantly building her self estiem, it took almost 18 months for her divorice to become final. We dated for 9 of those and broke up because she finally said I am not ready. I was ready for this for I sinced it and was at the point myself. We stayed apart for 2 months no contact she called me said she missed me and loved me so we started dating. We lasted one month and one week. During this time she always told me she loved me. For that matter the night be for we broke up she said she loved me. She has always said I am her best friend. Well we talked on the phone on a friday and before hanging up she said I love you. I called her saturday and she said I want to date others but I don't want to lose you. Now we are suppose to be friends. Just get together and hang while she dates. Sounds to me like she wants her cake and eat it too. If I date I can only date one women at a time after a few dates, I can't play the field. so the question is simple should i tell her bye or keep in contact via e-mail. I am so confussed, when things are good they are GREAT but this time it caught me off gaurd. She sends me e-mails telling me she is thinking of me. she says I hope we both find peace. I understand she is healing from her divorce but I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them one day and break up the next. Any suggestion thank you.

Hi... It is quite simple actually... Well she wa son the rebound when you met and she found comfort in your support and guidance... A lot of women mistake this emotional dependence to be love and can get carried away into telling themselves that they are in love with this person. When she got back to you , it was more out of sheer loss of a close friend and wanting to regain that support and emotional bonding that she shared with you... I suggest you give each other some space... date other people... get a full grip of both of you actually feel (esp. when you are not down and out and going through any traumatic experiences in life)... and then evaluate your next steps. Until then, can you stay connected as platonic friends? If not... don't keep in touch...

I hope that helps...

LivingtheLifeinFLA · Oct 21, 2007, 06:10 AM

Lets see, 15 years in a marriage, probably didn't date much before then. Get oout of the marriage and then right back into another. Don't think so.

You are the transition during the pain. She is going to see what's outs there. Back way off, let her date and see if she comes back after finding what's out there.

By the way how old are the both of you?

Ash123 · Oct 21, 2007, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

She's normal and so are you....

Not a solution perhaps. But understanding her will help.

Divorced women need time. I think she may in fact love you (i disagree with Friend4u178 on this one), but doesn't want to drag you through the mess of her getting herself together.

she probably wants to keep you within reach - which is not fair - and keep you as a friend - which is unrealistic. But I think she DOES care. But for Queenansrev to get anywhere you have to go away - for a while.....6 months. If you can. Not easy. But what she is saying is normal...Go away and if she finds you, so be it. Your work is over...

Perhaps there is method to the madness :-) anyway, take your time...

Glad to help...