[tdmce]

Hi,

My girlfriend of 8 months keeps getting emails from this Australian guy she was with for 3 months (She lives in Canada), from what I can tell they had a great time together. But since he was younger and had to go back to OZ they just kept it a casual sex thing although he lived with her for 1 month.

Anyway I gave up my life in NZ to move over here on a 1 year working visa to be with her (and her 3 kids) and about a month into it I saw an email from this guy. He started pretty innocent with casual conversation except for signing off xxx which I didn't like. I told my g/f how it makes me feel having an ex keep in contact, especially since I know they never really broke up. Anyway she told me he is just a friend and they have causal conversations. So I accepted it at the time, but was hoping she would show me the emails he writes just so I'd feel more comfortable that he is geniune about being friends only. Actually I hoped she would sense I was uncomfortable and just end their internet friendship.

About a week ago curosity got the better of me and I checked her email to see if they were still keeping in touch. And I see that she had been replying to his emails always when I'm asleep, either 1am or before I wake up. The last email had stuff in there I didn't like. He said he wished he never gave her their tape back (sex tape). My G/F wrote back saying why would he want it. And he wrote back saying that they always made sweet sweet love and had a good time and he thought it would be funny to look back on the tape in ten years. In the same email he talks about how hot his new g/f is that he is in a long distance relationship with.

Anyway I couldn't hold this in, so I told her that I saw this email and that it hurt me for the following reasons

1. They are keeping in touch
2. He is writing about their past sex life and how good it was. I don't think friends should do this.
3. He wished he had the tape so he could still watch it.
4. My G/F never mentions me in their conversations. If I write to a girl that is a friend I'm always talking about me and my g/f.
5. She is writing to him secretly. When I asked her about this she said she did it because she knew I wouldn't like it.
6. She never wrote to him saying I don't think this is appropriate or fair on your g/f or my boyfriend. Instead she wanted to know why he wanted it and said it may have still be around if he didn't piss her off (hehe).
7. She told him she hasn't been back to this lake since they were there together. This is where they made the video.

Anyway after her getting upset with me for reading the email, she never told me she would tell him to piss off or that she was sorry for any of this. I said her own friends have told me he is a player and she stuck up for him and tried to tell me he is actually a really nice guy.

I'm emotionally drained talking about him. I don't want to bring this up again with her, but it is effecting my trust / sex life and making me feel pretty crap.

She has tons of other guy friends, that I have no problem with. I just feel there is a connection here between them and I don't know what to do.

I want to write him an email and let him know that he sucks. But don't think that will achieve anything.

Am I being silly? I doubt she would like it if my EX was writing to me and saying this sort of thing.

[GlindaofOz]

I think that some part of her likes to know that this guy found her so desirable and apparently still does. My guess is that it's a lovely ego boost for her to hear about how hot she is and what a fantastic lover this guy thought she was.

It may be completely innocent but the fact that there has been no mention of the new fella in her life I have to wonder if she wants him to believe that she is still available.

I guess it boils down to how serious is she about the relationship that she has with you. If it was me and it was truly innocent and nothing I would have no problem sharing information about my new guy with my old one. She may also feel that you have no right to tell her who she can and cannot be friends with and so her continuing the conversations could be some form of rebellion on her part. Either way something seems fishy between her and this guy.

How long was she separated from this guy before she got involved with you? I'm wondering if she's not fully over this guy.

[tdmce]

This all happened June / July 2006. She has been with a few other guys after this (not really relationships though).

He knows she is with me, this is all on Facebook, he is a friend and can view her profile and see photos of us together.

In her defense:
She doesn't write to him, he writes to her, but she replies. She also doesn't do the xxx back.

In the first few emails when I got upset and mentioned him. I asked her what would happen if he came back over for work. She told me don't be silly he wouldn't come back here. I was kind of hoping she would say "what does it matter he means nothing to me" or something along those lines. I said that to her and she got pissy and said don't twist my words.

We have a lot of extra pressure on our relationship, I came here in the hope of letting the fathers get to know me and putting a plan to them about letting her and the kids move back to NZ with me. I pretty much know that they will say no and I can't find work here easily. I'll be back on a plane without her in June when my visa expires unless I can get a Job.

So this guy must seem pretty exciting to her right now, he compliements her, doesn't bring up any seriously depressing issues and talks about their amazing past sex life. Where as I'm hassling her about this guy, not completely happy here under these circumstances, a bit depressed. I can see why she would turn to him for some fun.

[tdmce]

Oh I've never said to her that she shouldn't keep in touch with him. I said I would feel more comfortable reading a few more of their emails just so I know he is just a friend. But that never happened.

I wanted her to realise that she wasn't being fair on me and this guy is saying stuff that he shouldn't be saying. And for her to end the friendship. But she hasn't and I don't think she will.

[GlindaofOz]

Hmmm. Well then with all this new information I would say this guy might be an escape of some sorts for her. Sine their relationship was quite casual it may recall for her a time in her life when things were much simpler and easier. Everyone deals with pressures and stress in different ways and maybe reliving this relationship with this guy is her stress relief.

She is the only one who knows for sure why she is doing what she is doing and she doesn't seem to want to tell clue you in. But I wouldn't put it as anything beyond escapism. You sound like a decent guy and as if you treat her well so I think that the day to day reality may have her feeling humdrum. Maybe surprise her out of nowhere with her favorite flowers and tell her you did just because she is so beautiful or something else very sweet.

[tdmce]

I agree with what you said. But I feel angry inside towards her, which makes it hard for me to be the fun loving guy I need to be.

I feel like she is cheating on me virtually at the moment and not wanting to stop or acknowlege that she is doing anything bad.

If I guy hits on her at the pub, which happens a lot (she is very pretty), she would shoot them down pretty quick. But with this guy, she just keeps letting him say this stuff.

[smoothy]

The fact that she has not let him go concerns me at different levels. So proceed with caution.

Best that you know now than after you have far more invested in her. Hard to say more without knowing her as to why she is doing this. Just keep your eyes open and judge her on her actions with you. But don't marry her unless she volunteers this info up to you and explains her actions. If you have a serious relationship I can't see how she can justify this.

[tdmce]

That is the thing that is making me so miserable, I thought I had finally found the one. I wouldn't have moved over here and left my family, friends house & dog and businesses if I didn't.

Now this EX is writing to her and the way she sticks up for him. There is no way I'd get married right now. I'm hanging on by a thread because I believe the relationship can be fun (once the pressures Immigration / Job / Friends) are finally resolved. I'm just lost now and feel disappointed by her actions.

What do you think about emailing this guy directly. From what I know he has no clue that I'm upset about what he writes.

[tdmce]

I think really it should come from her and not me..

[GlindaofOz]

I think really it should come from her and not me..

I agree. I think that if you email him you will incur quite a terrible wrath from this lady.

There is something with this guy that he has some sort of grip upon her. I agree with you about it seeming like virtual cheating. I would feel the same if I was in your shoes.

This is obviously interfering with your relationship and how you are feeling towards this lady. You made a pretty generous offer to move across the world to build up this relationship and eventually take her back NZ to build a new life.

How are things otherwise between you? Do you feel that she honestly wants to be in this relationship? Do you feel that her intentions towards you are good? Do you feel that she is using you to pull her out of a life she is unhappy in?

[tdmce]

Actually she made it no secret she wanted to leave Canada, Australia was her dream. She wrote to me on a dating site and I guess others from Australia and NZ. I didn't know this at the time. We talked for ages on MSN and 3 weeks later she came to NZ for 3 weeks holiday. It was the best time of my life. About a month later we met again in Fiji for my friends wedding, then had a month apart and then I got my 1 year Visa and came here in June.

When all these OZ guy emails started happening I actually wondered if she was only with me now because she wanted somebody to take her away from Canada to a warmer climate etc. I now feel like she is just settling for me rather than really loving me. Deep down I feel like she really loved this OZ guy, but because he wouldn't commit she has found me instead. But is keeping him around in case things don't work out or something or just for the excitement. I don't know I could be wrong on all this.

[GlindaofOz]

That's exactly what I'm thinking.

Especially considering that she specifically sought out gentlemen from OZ to "take her away". She is clearly looking for a rescue and settled with whatever she could get. Now here you are in Canada wondering what the heck is going on.

Not to direct you in one way or another but if you don't think this is working for you and you are having all of these feelings I don't think its worth it for you to work so hard to get her and her children to NZ. You may want to reconsider the direction your life is moving in right now. You seem to be working pretty hard while she chats away with this other guy. If she wants to move to NZ so badly then let her get there on her own. Let someone else be her chump.

[tdmce]

I'm going to stick it out a little longer until I'm absolutely sure. If I leave Canada now and break up, and then find out that I was wrong and she does love me, then I can never come back here again. We need to live together for at least 12 months for any hope of getting a partnership visa.

I really wish I could let her read this conversation, at least she would know exactly what I feel and see some 'outsiders' comments on this. But I think it may just do more harm.

If this guy thing gets any worse then I'm out of here though. I can handle the fact that she is wanting to live in another country for whatever reason. Lots of people do. But I guess over the next few months I'm going to need to be convienced by her actions that it is because of me she wants to move there with.

I really do think you hit it on the nail though about her liking the attention this guy gives her and that it reminds her of a less stressful fun time. I just wish I knew what she would have written back to the OZ guy after he said about all their fun times. That probably would have helped me make a decission.

[GlindaofOz]

I think you are on the right page. All you can do is examine the relationship over the next few months and see if anything changes or if your feelings change at all.

The issue is that she is communicating with him via email so Lord only knows what she is writing back or what they are talking about. I think with this you are going to have to follow your gut.

[statictable]

This is not cool and if she's not able to understand it's impact on you then help is not on it's way. Distance can create a fond heart but but she's in a relationship with you.
Yes it appears that the guy from OZ is the initiator of the emails and she simply responds because she thinks he's just a nice guy. As far as playing around with her emails, you should make a decision; stop it or move out. You guy's will just dig a hole you can't get out of and that's not smart if you love her. Whatever she does on the computer is there for you to see and at least she didn't create 2 or 3 other profiles with pass words but may have "hotmail" accounts no one would know about. If you stay with her you'll just have to stay out of her emails and you might suggest she sets up her own account with password in order to provide her with some privacy. All that can be done by a person will be done if so desired with or without permission. I bet it'll all work out for the best. PS; have you thought of emailing him through your account? Invite him to fly up and visit and "oh by the way" we enjoy your emails. Let it all hang out. He may find that it's a waist of his time to be emailing women who are in relationships with other men.

[talaniman]

I personally think you have invested way too much into someone from the internet, and have only known them personally through a holiday they took when you met in person. Further the lack of honest communication and her own personal dealings have you wondering what her motives are and rightfully so. I also see red flags in you, basically a stranger to this female w/3 kids interjected your feelings of being exclusive, and worrying so much about her personal life. Her business. Too much to fast without the benefit of a more thorough knowledge of each others character or future hopes and dreams and honestly think you replace the commitment at this time with some get to know each other much better time. You have only known her for 8 months and not all that tie is face to face, and I don't feel you've had time for your questions to be answered and fears to be addressed. Planning a life together sounds very premature, especially in light of your worries about this other guy that you characterized as a casual sex partner. This relationship doesn't sound comfortable or worth jumping into with so much investment as the potential for you to get played is to great for you to ignore. Either communicate more honestly, or pay closer attention to the details and learn a lot more about this female before you sign on to her star for your own good. I think your inner self is warning you to slow this train down and make sure the road is clear. Sorry, just not adding up for me from what you've written.

[smoothy]

I think really it should come from her and not me..

I agree as well, she is the one doing this, they are exes, she is now supposed to be in a relationship, she shouldn't be having the sort of conversations she's having if she had any respect for you or her relationship with you. But that's my opinion.