My self-esteem is wrapped up in how my husband treats me
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Hi everyone, I am new to this web site. I am a 40 old woman, married for 12 years, raised two step-sons (21&24) and have a 9 year old son. I am a housewife/mother and student in the medical field. I have breast cancer and am presently undergoing chemotherapy. That about covers the it.
I joined this site primarily to get some answers and support from others concerning my marital issues. I will spare the long, drawn out situation and get to the point. My husband and I have had a really bad marriage since the beginning. We have separated several times, once to the point of almost signing divorce papers.
I know there are two sides to every story so this is just my side. I believe that most of our unhappiness has come from his lack of affection, angry (not violent) moods, control, lack of sympathy or empathy, jealousy (of friends and family) and blaming everything that goes wrong on everyone but himself. We could not be more different. Believe me I have not been an angel myself but my character is nothing like his.
We almost got divorced a year or so ago but decided to stay together. We have a connection, a bond that always keeps us together. He does have his good side and we have a lot in common. We have fun together despite his mean spirit.
This past year our marriage has been great. He has been loving, attentive, soft spoken, generous, kind... I could go on forever with his good qualities. The problem is that I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer in June and our marriage literally fell apart over night. He went straight back to his old behavior immediately. I have asked him why he has changed and he said that he hasn't. He has said, "I don't want our lives to be all about your cancer."
I have been in the hospital four times in two months, three of which were surgeries. He has been there physically for my doctors appointments and for the surgeries but not in spirit. He just seems agitated and bored while he is there. I have seen no grief or sadness come from him. He has since told me that he is angry that he has had to pick up the slack at home because I am tired, or recovering from a surgery despite the fact that my mother has been coming in town from time to time to care for me. He says he is tired of my complaining about my pain and fear of death. If I cry he ignores me. If I talk about my illness he tells me that he doesn't want to hear it. If I bring up how I feel about his treatment twords me, he tells me that he hasn't changed at all and that it is me that has changed. This confuses me so much.
I can't tell you how much all of this hurts me. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I base how I feel about myself on how he treats me and that is sick. I feel like the only way to get him to change his behavior and love me again is to pretend like I am not sick and go about my day neglecting myself and my needs. Divorce is not an option for me no matter how much it seems like the best thing to do. I just want to learn how to be happy and feel good about myself no matter how he behaves. I want to emotionally separate myself from his behavior. I love him most of the time but there are times when I just wish he would drop dead (I know that is a horrible thing to say). Sometimes I think he loves me but then I ask myself how he could love me and treat me like he does?
Does anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone been in a situation similar to this? If so please share your story and/or your victory over your misery.
Kim