[painlovehappy]

Ok. So I've dated this girl for 2+ years. We spent close to every day together for all that those 2 years. She really enhanced my life and made it more fun and gave it a real purpose and that's why every day was a choice to spend with her. We were like 2 happy children together for about the first year. We used to have great sex and were quite affectionate with each other. Over about the last 9 months I have felt completley pushed away by her. I feel like my presence is a nuisance and she has never once pursued sex with me. I have to complain about how I feel pushed away and bring it to her attention that we haven't had sex for however long (ex. 2 months) in order for her to do anything. This has hurt me tremendously but I stuck with her because I love her. I didn't want to be superficial and breakup over sex. But not having it or affectionate really brought to my attention the importance to me in a healthy relationship. She's been very closed off to me. The fights have increased over the last year and we haven't been able to communicate very healthy during an argument. I feel I'm not the problem. She gets overly frustrated and doesn't want to talk things to death. But I feel things are not solved unless they are discussed and put to rest. But communication I was willing to work on with her because I lover her.

2 weeks ago she tells me she wants time off to think and leaves the house that we live in together to live at her moms. After 2 weeks apart she then she breaks up with me. Her reasoning is that I treat her disrespectfully? This is new to me but I tell her I will do anything for her and will ensure that I never disrespect her again as long as she brings to my attention what I'm doing that she feels disrespected by? I ended up begging to get her back. The only reason she took me back I think is because I told her that if she doesn't want to fight through this hurdle in the relationship together then I can't have her as a friend in my life till I get over her. She calls me the next day and I repeat to her that I can't have her calling me if I'm going to get over her. She tells me she wants me in her life and I tell her she can have me but all of me if she wants to work as a couple in solving it. She tells me she still needs her space but maybe that's a better idea. So we get back together. But she needs alone time still now. She no longer lives at our house and doesn't call me everyday and doesn't have a desire to see me everyday. It's put me in a real desperate position where I need her so bad and she needs only herself. And she still doesn't have a desire to sleep with me? How is this a relationship still? I feel like this is just a friendship? I'm in so much agonizing pain away from her. And I call her crying wondering why she doesn't miss me. How 2 years can go by and she can just desire to be completely away from me. She claims that she's in love with me still and wants this to work but needs time alone. Her only excuse is that I was disrespectful to her? The only concrete examples are some rude things I said to her about her being sexless because we weren't ever having sex anymore. Not even a cuddly caress. She was devoid of affection. And I'm a real affectionate guy..
Part of me doesn't believe that she wants a relationship to work. I think that this is just her way of moving on without me while still having me for a friend until she gets over me completely. And the whole time I'm left hoping one day something will flash in her and she'll be right back to normal... We'll be happy again.. having sex, being respectfull, living life in love as a happy couple again.

What should I do here? I need help. I'm in so much hurt and pain. Should I just break it off and not give her the time she needs alone if she's not being sexual with me and treating me like we're in a relationship?

There's the whole element of you want what you can't have.. so if I'm too available and always crying and in pain then maybe that's why she doesn't want me? Should I play the game of not caring even though I care more then anything in the world?

I want to be respectful of her need for space alone to supposedly recover from the disrespect I've caused her but I hurt way too bad when apart. I feel dumped and feel like she's just dragging on an eventual breakup.

Women can you help? Men? I'm lost and suffering greatly...

Thanks so much
-love tool

[mckenzie134]

Don't ask women for help?? You won't get a good answer from them half of them don't no why they feel what they do anyhow! So that's pointless

You are spot on with saying has crying made her not want to come back! Exactly she has to want you to come back..

Let her feel a void in her life. Let her realise you are no longer there for her and you will no longer be that part of her life...

Disappear show some balls and don't let her treat you ion this way...

You have obviously been way to available and girls hate this.

Give her the space she has asked for and get on with your own life if she wants to be part of your life then fine but forget her and move on if she wants to come back shwe will let you know.

[Illusion]

Dear PLH - It sounds like your girlfriend has distanced herself from you for more than a few months now. Of course you have a reason to feel hurt and upset. This was someone you felt close to and had, at one time, a happy relationship with. From what you wrote, you were committed to her and the relationship and wanted to work things out. Good for you. You didn't just let things go without giving it a try to resolve the issues. She remains distant and not involved with you as before. It's really hurting you.

You have made it clear to her that you care. She knows. She claims you have been disrespectful but is not really clear with that either. She has made some decisions about the relationship without including you. Her behavior and motives are evasive - the answers are evasive. It doesn't sound like she wants to work things out. And yes, it is painful, it hurts. This is someone you love.

You will need courage now. You need to think about yourself. She has made her plans. To continue to think that the relationship will go on and the two of you will have a chance - is breaking your heart all over again. If she calls again, let her know that you will give her the space she needs. At this time, you need to think about yourself. You need time to make plans of your own.

I know how hard this is for you. Know you will get through this. If you have friends, seek out their support and friendship. The pain will pass. You need time. Stay busy no matter what - go to class, work, exercise, socialize. Make sure you stay connected. If you can, try short-term therapy to work through your feelings. Write again and how you are doing. Take care.

[painlovehappy]

See that's just it dude. We're supposedly together now which makes it impossible to right her out of my life and move on. I'm holding onto hope that she'll want to be normal again and spend time with me. She'll call me when SHE wants and see me when SHE wants but the ball is in her court and it leaves me miserable without her cause I'm giving her SPACE in a supposed relationship still?

Advice?

[Illusion]

Well, yeah, you are unhappy with this situation. You know what is happening here. She has made some decisions without including you. It hurts. And this "in a relationship and giving her space" - how long is this going to go on? And who is going to decide when she has had enough space? She is? Could it be that she is just afraid to cut you loose all at once?

Listen, I know the pain is there over these changes she has made - but try to make your own plans. Even with the pain there, make your own plans for yourself. From what you wrote, this has been going on for a while now. A separation is just not easy - even if it is done in installments. Stay strong, you'll get through this.

[talaniman]

This relationship has been over for a while, and you're the last to know. Stop being fooled with words, and see the actions instead. Walk away, and don't look back. It will hurt, but can be gotten over it, if you leave her alone. NO CONTACT, as you are weak for what she says.

[Chery]

Dont ask women for help??? You wont get a good answer from them half of them dont no why they feel what they do anyhow!! So thats pointless

I beg to differ... I'm almost 57 y/o and I know what I want and don't want. So.. let me give you some insight...

THIS IS A LONG ONE... But, I HAD TO SAY IT... I'm not saying your relationship was like this, but sometimes men change 'after the chase'...

Anyway..
When we are home (he's retired and I'm working on medical retirement) and he's been lounging on the couch all day doing nothing but watching the stock market do it's thing.. I dust, sweep, prepare the meals.. we don't even eat at the dining table anymore - no more candles, no more NOISELESS dinners without the TV. OK, now I spent a long time preparing the meal and he inhales it, places his plate in the kitchen on the counter, and dons his shoes and cap to go outside and sit by the fishpond watching the fish for two hours. Around 1930 he comes in just in time to watch King of Queens and then Al Bundy.. These irritate me due to them being re-re-reruns and childish. I go in the other room to watch Stargate or Alias, or a comedy to wind down. Can you guess what comes next? Yup, there comes a time when there is water running in the bathroom, lights being turned out here, turned on in the bedroom and the TV there on sports or documentary.

Hope your not too bored yet..

Remember during the day, not much has been said, pretty much all routine.. Oh, but I asked how his morning was.. and I did give him a kiss when I brought him his tea... and when I asked how dinner was I got an 'OK' as he passed me.

Now, back in the bedroom - I enter and get a 'it's about time, ha ha, come here honey!
And I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL TURNED ON?? Is this what I can expect for the rest of my life??

Will there ever be another romantic dinner without the TV?
Will there ever be a time to just sit together, a kiss here, and a hug there.. without him wanting more - well if so, then I just won't kiss him or hug him, or rub his back anymore if he thinks it will always lead to sex.
Can I ever get ready for a shower without the fear of him jumping right in behind me, or do I have to stop taking showers when he's home.

When we first started dating, we'd take out the trash, then we'd sit by the fishpond and enjoy the fish and a good conversation at the close of each day. Now it's hard for me to use the steps sometimes and I don't go outside that often. That does not stop him from having his routine, but it irks me when he complains about my illnesses.

And hey.. where are the compliments that came so easy when he was 'chasing' me? It seams that the complaints have taken place of compliments... and then I'm still supposed to feel TURNED ON?
While he was chasing me he would laugh with me and not at me as he does now.. but I'm still supposed to feel TURNED ON??
While he was chasing me he actually asked how my day was and listened, now the TV stays on and when I want to talk and for some reason what's on TV is suddenly so important. So.. I'm still supposed to feel TURNED ON??
When he has injured himself or has a pain, he expects me to tend to him with bandaides and bengay.. but when my arthritis flares and hurts I have to tend to myself as he all of a sudden disappears. But that night I'm still supposed to be TURNED ON??


OK, it sounds to you like I'm unhappy - but I'm not. I know what he's like and his moods don't phase me anymore. I am there for him and in his way he's there for me. He's a jerk, but HE'S MY JERK and I love him. Oh, and after being gone for a few days or hours, I do remember how much fun he can be and then I get TURNED ON.

Sexual arousal is not just achieved by physical foreplay... the mental foreplay takes place all day long and starts in the head. If the head negates these desires, well, you're screwed (one way or the other).


Just a few thoughts to feed your learning process called "Relationships 101" or just plain "Life"

[Hitch21]

I can relate to your situation, but mine is the opposite way around, my boyfriend has been acting a bit strange lately. I personally think there is more to 'you just disrespecting her' there is more to her wanting to take a break. She may feel a bit scared, maybe afraid of comittment, who knows.
But, I would say, sit down and have a conversation with her, tell her what is on your mind, tell her how you feel, (try not to get emotional), be more assertive, and tell her what you want. And ask her how she feels , etc. If she doesn't quite cooperate in communicating well, then you just give her space. I would tell her that she probably won't find any guy that would treat her and love her the way you do (not that I know, but when you say this, it gets to them, well at least from my experience) And you let her know you'll be around, but don't know for how long, and don't wait too long, cause you just might not be there.
You can also tell her you really care for her, and you want to sit down and have a conversation and are willing to make changes and compromise if it will make things better and see what she says. Hold off on the sex part, you can make up for it letter, make up sex can always bring people closer together.
IF she doesn't get back to you, begins to completely drift away, well you have to keep your head high and say to yourself that there is someone out there better for you. And its easier said then done, but you have to keep yourself busy I guess.
I'm somewhat going through a situation like this, and its hard believe me. But you need to be around those who love you and will support you.

I wish I had more answers, and more help, its hard...

[painlovehappy]

OK.. so it gets worse. Now I'm thinking I'd should be strong and move on. I tried to give her space while we were working things out but most of the time I cried like a baby cause I missed her. Then I found a picture of her dated only a few days back in a dress with her x boyfriend that lives in another state. They went to a wedding together while she was supposedly needing space working on OUR relationship. Then I logged into her email and found letters from this X telling her that he loves her and wants to be with her.

She claims she didn't do anything and didn't respond and that he crossed the line but she didn't? But she never told me about going to the wedding with this guy? But she claims he's just a friend and she loves me.

I think it's a classic case of the girl quickly seeking out a "backup" when things went wrong not wanting to dump me and be compleltely alone.. so that's why she needed time apart? What do you think? Should I let this one go and try to work things out with her if she claimed nothing happened and there just friends? Or am I an idiot to take her back at this point even though I'm totally in love with her and feel like we have a future together. People with a future together can conquer trivial like this right? Or am I dumb for even considering getting back with her after the disrespect she's caused me? I'm torn and this pain sucks the big one. I can't even concentrate at work or in a conversation with someone else and the damn radio songs are worse.. every song actually is felt by me lyrically.

[Chery]

What disrespect did she cause you? I thought she said that you were showing her disrespect, or did you leave something out.

If she maintains that there was nothing going on between her and the X, why don't you believe her?

Just because she used to go with him, does not mean she's got something going on with him. After all, she might have fallen 'out of lust' with him as well, just like with you. Maybe she is going though a phase where she does not want any sex at all - this happens, and it is hard to explain to any man when we women feel this way.

Wanting space to work on something does not mean locking oneself in a cell and keeping social life on hold. Did you two agree on not to see other people during your 'break'? Did you lay down some ground-rules that were broken? Is it her fault that you can't give her the space and snoop online.

Seeing that you are 'considering' taking her back, is that what she told you she wants to do? If she said she wants to come back and that she loves you.. you should know her well enough to either trust her in this, or not.

It's your call to make.

It's also never going to be the way it was, so get ready for changes.