[NJMMOM]

I apologize in advance because this is going to be a long story. I feel it needs to be told in it's entirety to be fully understood.

I have a son who is almost 10 years old and we reside in NC. Back in 1997, his biological Father (we'll call him Mr. X) and I dated for a short period, until he found out I was pregnant. Mr. X chose at that time to sever all ties with me and for years we heard nothing from him. Within a month after finding out I was pregnant, I met my husband. We have been together since we first started dating and he has been the only father figure in my son's life. For all intents and purposes, it appeared as though Mr. X did not intend to ever have a relationship with our son, so I moved on with my life and my husband and I created a stable, loving environment for my son.

In the meantime, the social services went after Mr. X on my behalf for child support, a DNA test was done and a support order was established. The support papers I have state that I have sole custody and that I am the custodial parent.

As the years passed, I wondered if Mr. X would ever want to be a part of his son's life, but I assumed that he didn't because he never attempted to contact us. I heard from Mr. X's Sister a few times over the years. She would occasionally call and ask about my son to find out how he was doing. She mentioned several times over the years that she wished her Brother would do the right thing and at least try to have a relationship with his son.

Finally, when my son was about 8 and a half years old, Mr. X's Sister called and stated that Mr. X would like for me to consider letting him see the child. I was skeptical about it at first because Mr. X was not requesting it himself. His Sister and I discussed it. First off, she was made aware that I had not told our son yet about his biological Father. My husband has been the only Dad he has ever known. I explained that Mr. X left me to deal with a difficult situation. I didn't feel it was fair to tell our son from the start that his Dad just disappeared and obviously didn't want to be a part of his life, so I didn't burden him with that information.

The Sister and I agreed that I would bring my son over to have a cook-out among "friends" at her home. This would give Mr. X and the rest of his family the opportunity to see the child and begin to connect. We agreed that after some time had passed and Mr. X and our son were able to get to know each other a little better, then he would be told who Mr. X was. For a while, this worked out great. Every few weeks, I would drive my son to her house which is about 70 miles away, she and I would talk while my son, Mr. X and other kids in the family would play ball or swim.

After four or five visits, the family began pressuring me to tell my son who Mr. X was. I still was not getting any kind of communication directly from Mr. X and I spoke to him about how he really needed to communicate with me about our child. He had both my cell and home phone numbers, but he still would not call. He would have his Sister call every time to set it up.

All of a sudden, six months pass by with no contact from him or his Sister. I was confused, but I decided to leave it alone. I felt that if Mr. X was serious about wanting to form a relationship with our child, he would call me to discuss it.

Eventually, Mr. X's Sister began to call again. She explained that Mr. X and his live in girlfriend had split up, he was going through a lot and he was now living with her family. She said that this was the reason that no contact had been made. She requested that I start bringing my son to her home again. Reluctantly, I agreed, but I told her that I was not convinced that Mr. X really wanted to know his son because if he did, why would he disappear again for six months? Why not just call me himself and let me know there is some sort of problem. I didn't need details, I just needed him to show that he was serious and responsible.

So, once again I began taking our son to the Sister's home and allowed Mr. X to spend 4-5 hours with him every few weeks (when it was convenient for all of us.) Keep in mind that all of this traveling back and forth (140 miles total each trip) was paid for exclusively by me. I made time in my schedule to take our child there and bring him home. I paid for the gas both ways, etc. Mr. X continued to pay his child support faithfully from the day it was court ordered, so I felt I should at least do my part to make it as easy as I could for all of us involved. I feel like I really tried my best.

Once again, the two of them began to connect over the next 3-4 visits. It was going pretty well. I still was not completely convinced that Mr. X was in it for the long haul, but I figured it would not be long before I would feel comfortable telling our son who Mr. X was.

On our last visit, Mr. X, his Sister and I made plans for this weekend. Mr. X told our son that we would plan to go bowling so Mr. X could see just how good of a bowler he is. (Our son is on a bowling league here in town and his team won the league championship this past season.) Our son was excited to be able to show them how well he can bowl, so the date was set.

Thursday, I received a message from Mr. X's Sister that stated, "she had talked to Mr. X and he said something has come up. He will not be able to make it this weekend." I called her back and told her that it was okay. I understood that sometimes things can happen. She elaborated and volunteered that Mr. X had just moved in with a new girlfriend, that he was not living with her family any more. She said that she asked Mr. X if he had called me to let me know that he could not make it and he said to her, "no, I have not called her and I am not going to. No matter what I do, she is never going to tell our son who I am."

I was floored! What in the world does he think I am trying to do? I bend over backward in an attempt to make this easy for him and now I am being accused of not intending to ever tell our son who he is? If I didn't intend to tell the child, would I bring him to visit on my dime like I have been doing? This makes no sense what so ever to me. I tell Mr. X's Sister that I am sorry, but it appears as though her Brother and I are not going to be able to communicate in a positive way and that I do not mean any disrespect to her, but that if her Brother wants to see our son, he will have to call me personally and request it himself. I am tired of this back and forth middle man scenario Mr. X has us involved in. It is not her responsibility to do this for him and I am not going to beg him to spend time with his child. I added that she was welcome to call any time and that I would work with her to make plans for her to see my son. But I was done playing games with her Brother.

An hour or two later, I received a text message from Mr. X which stated, "you have until Wednesday of next week to tell my son who I am or I will go to the social services, file a complaint against you and take you to court."

After all I have done to try and make this a smooth transition for my son, now I am faced with the burden of an unreasonable man who only wants what he thinks is best for himself. I do not feel that Mr. X is taking into consideration the impact this could have on our child if this information is shoved down his throat. All I was asking for was a little bit of time to give the two of them the chance to connect before my child is told. I do not think that I am being unreasonable.

My response to the text message was "do what ever you think you must do."

So, now I have come to the end of my dilemma. Thank you if you made it this far, LOL.

Also, I would like to note that I sat down and spoke with my son's school counselor at the end of this past school year. I explained the situation to her. I asked what she thought of it. She said that she thought it was great that we were making this transition slowly. She is a licensed therapist and she has seen the devastating effect that this kind of news can have on a child when they find out that their world is not exactly what they thought it was. She was optimistic that if we continued on this path, that it would make it easier for the child.

My main concern has always been how my son will deal with finding out about his biological Father. He is a very intelligent child and he makes awesome grades. He is on the honor roll at school, involved in youth group activities through the church, he is also an excellent bowler and he already has dreams of going to college to study animation and video game production.


Some questions:

Do you think I am being unreasonable to ask that Mr. X give it a little time before the child is told about him, especially since Mr. X has a propensity to disappear like he has done in the past?

I am not really concerned about Mr. X taking me to court over it because I know that with the child support he pays on his son and the two children he has with his ex-wife, the probability of him being able to afford it is not very good. But, if by some chance he did take me to court, what should I expect? Since he is just now really starting to get acquainted with his son, would the judge not most likely order supervised visitation? Unfortunately, Mr. X is too bull headed to see that he is getting that now at absolutely no expense to him what so ever.

As far as the custody stuff goes, are my court ordered child support papers which state that I have sole custody solid enough? What I mean is if by some chance, Mr. X flipped and decided to sneak off with the child during one of the visits, would my child support paperwork be enough to force the police to make him bring our child back home or do I need something else in addition to the support papers?

Thank you.
NJMMOM

[GV70]

I feel it needs to be told in it's entirety to be fully understood.

Yes-a lot of words but a little legal imformation.

I have a son who is almost 10 years old and we reside in NC...I met my husband. We have been together since we first started dating and he has been the only father figure in my son's life.

I am confused about whose name was on your son birth certificate... Were you married when your son was born... has your husband had legal rights toward the child?

In the meantime, the social services went after Mr. X on my behalf for child support, a DNA test was done and a support order was established. The support papers I have state that I have sole custody and that I am the custodial parent.

When was it?Before 2,4 or 8 year? In my view neither you nor your husband were against establishing Mr.X as a father.
§ 49 14. Civil action to establish paternity.

(f) When a determination of paternity is pending in a IV D case, the court shall enter a temporary order for child support upon motion and showing of clear, cogent, and convincing evidence of paternity. For purposes of this subsection, the results of blood or genetic tests shall constitute clear, cogent, and convincing evidence of paternity if the tests show that the probability of the alleged parent's parentage is ninety seven percent (97%) or higher.
§ 49 12.1. Legitimation when mother married.
(a) The putative father of a child born to a mother who is married to another man may file a special proceeding to legitimate the child. The procedures shall be the same as those specified by G.S. 49 10, except that the spouse of the mother of the child shall be a necessary party to the proceeding and shall be properly served. A guardian ad litem shall be appointed to represent the child if the child is a minor.
(c) The parties may enter a consent order with the approval of the clerk of superior court. The order entered by the clerk shall find the facts and declare the proper person the father of the child and may change the surname of the child.
When a child is legitimated under the provisions of G.S. 49 12, the State Registrar of Vital Statistics shall make a new birth certificate bearing the full name of the father upon presentation of a certified copy of the certificate of marriage of the father and mother and change the surname of the child so that it will be the same as the surname of the father.

Do you think I am being unreasonable to ask that Mr. X give it a little time before the child is told about him, especially since Mr. X has a propensity to disappear like he has done in the past?

What is the meaning of "a little time"?If he was established as a biological and legal father before 8 years you had to inform your son about his true paternity years ago.

Also, I would like to note that I sat down and spoke with my son's school counselor at the end of this past school year. I explained the situation to her. I asked what she thought of it. She said that she thought it was great that we were making this transition slowly. She is a licensed therapist and she has seen the devastating effect that this kind of news can have on a child when they find out that their world is not exactly what they thought it was. She was optimistic that if we continued on this path, that it would make it easier for the child.

She can be a licensed therapist and she has seen the devastating effect that this kind of news can have on a child when they find out that their world is not exactly what they thought it was.But I have seen how devastating effect that kind of behavior can have on adults in Court.

I am not really concerned about Mr. X taking me to court over it because I know that with the child support he pays on his son and the two children he has with his ex-wife, the probability of him being able to afford it is not very good. But, if by some chance he did take me to court, what should I expect? Since he is just now really starting to get acquainted with his son, would the judge not most likely order supervised visitation? Unfortunately, Mr. X is too bull headed to see that he is getting that now at absolutely no expense to him what so ever.

You should expect the judge grant him parental time/visitation/.I cannot see reasons for supervised visitation-this kind of visitation is awarded if the parent is abusive.

As far as the custody stuff goes, are my court ordered child support papers which state that I have sole custody solid enough? What I mean is if by some chance, Mr. X flipped and decided to sneak off with the child during one of the visits, would my child support paperwork be enough to force the police to make him bring our child back home or do I need something else in addition to the support papers?

Yes,your papers are enough to force the police... but not enough to stop him to say to your /and his/ son what he likes.

[NJMMOM]

Ok GV70, let me try to explain further.

Mr. X is now listed on the birth certificate. Before the support order went into effect, the Father's name was listed on the birth certificate as "refused." Which I admit I did, because honestly at that time I was mad at him for disappearing and denying paternity from the start. It was court ordered to be changed to reflect Mr. X's name as the Father when the support order was established around the time my son was 18 months old or so. The child has always and still does carry my maiden last name.

My husband and I began dating after Mr. X disappeared. I was only a couple of months along in the pregnancy. We did not actually get married until 2001.

I define "a little time" as at least a few consecutive months where Mr. X shows that he is serious about wanting to be in his child's life. A phone call maybe once every week or two to ask about him or to talk to him, the willingness to communicate with me to set up visits and some stability from him in his living arrangements. He has shown none of these. His Sister is the only one who ever calls to set up visits. Since we initially began the visitation, close to a year ago, Mr. X has has moved at least four times and changed his live in girlfriends every couple of months. He has been engaged to two different women in that period and called off each engagement. Now he is living with a new girlfriend that he just started seeing less than two weeks ago. All of this is what has happened in only 6 months of the visits taking place, the other 6 months he just completely disappeared. This is the reason that I felt supervised visits would be better, at least until he can show some stability.

[GV70]

It was court ordered to be changed to reflect Mr. X's name as the Father when the support order was established around the time my son was 18 months old or so. The child has always and still does carry my maiden last name.

My husband and I began dating after Mr. X disappeared. I was only a couple of months along in the pregnancy. We did not actually get married until 2001.

I define "a little time" as at least a few consecutive months where Mr. X shows that he is serious about wanting to be in his child's life...Mr. X has has moved at least four times and changed his live in girlfriends every couple of months. He has been engaged to two different women in that period of time and called off each engagement. Now he is living with a new girlfriend that he just started seeing less than two weeks ago. All of this is what has happened in only 6 months of the visits taking place, the other 6 months he just completely disappeared. This is the reason that I felt supervised visits would be better, at least until he can show some stability.

My opinion-it is your mistake and fault that you have not informed your son about his true father for more than eight years and in this way he has been living in lie and blind.The visitation CANNOT be supervised only on the ground he changed four girlfriends for six months.It is his right.The visitation can be supervised if he is abusive towards the child... but he is not,right?

[NJMMOM]

My opinion-it is your mistake and fault that you have not informed your son about his true father for more than eight years and in this way he has been living in lie and blind.The visitation CANNOT be supervised only on the ground he changed four girlfriends for six months.It is his right.The visitation can be supervised if he is abusive towards the child...but he is not,right?

I see your point and maybe I did make a mistake by not telling my son from the beginning. To me, it appeared to be the lesser of two evils to move forward the way I did. The choices I had were to tell him the truth and have it cause him much grief to know his Dad didn't want to be in his life, or I could move on and make his life happy with my husband and I since I knew that Mr. X didn't want any part of it. I chose what I thought was best for my son at the time.

I am not trying to say that he should have supervised visits based solely on the girlfriend thing. I think he should have supervised visits based on the fact that he does not have a stable residence. I have no idea where my son would be while in his care and Mr. X also doesn't seem to care that he us under a court order to keep me informed of any changes in his residence. All of these changes his Sister has had to tell me. Do I not have a right to know what kind of people my son will be exposed to while in Mr. X's care or that the dwelling will be safe place for him to be while he is there? I don't want to keep my son from him, I feel I have been very accommodating since I discovered that he appeared to want to see the child. I just want him to step up and do the right thing. First, by communicating with me himself, not continuing to hide behind his Sister. How can we even begin to do any kind of visitation, through the court or otherwise if he refuses to call and speak to me?

[ScottGem]

One thing you don't say is how old you and Mr X are or were when your son was born. I believe that has a bearing on the issues.

But my feeling is a 10 yr old is way old enough to understand the issue here. I think you were right initially in making this a transition, but from your son's reaction to the bowling event, I think he's bonded to enough of an extent to tell him the truth. Assuming that you were young when your son was conceived, that is a way to explain how Mr X reacted.

As for his filing a complaint against you, that's empty. You have full and sole custody, which means only you have a say in how your child is raised. There is nothing Social Services or a court can or will do to force your hand.

But from everything you've said, I think your son is past ready to learn the truth. If he's as intelligent as you say, I would suspect he alreadys suspects. He knows your husband is not his biologoical father because he has carries your maiden name (how did you explain that BTW?). So he has to wonder who this family friend is that popped up all of a sudden.

If your son is as intelligent as you say, give him some credit. Its time to tell him the truth. HOW you tell him depends on info we don't have yet.

[GV70]

As for his filing a complaint against you, that's empty. You have full and sole custody, which means only you have a say in how your child is raised. There is nothing Social Services or a court can or will do to force your hand.

Maybe... but he has an issue.He has been paying CS for more than 8 years and his son has not been informed who he is yet.

If your son is as intelligent as you say, give him some credit. Its time to tell him the truth. HOW you tell him depends on info we don't have yet.

Agreed.

[NJMMOM]

At the time my son was born, I had just turned 27, Mr. X was 28.

This is my only child, it is his third. He has two children from his ex-wife that are teenagers. One is 15 and the other is 13. Both of them are girls and he has visitation with them every other weekend. He appears to take a pretty active roll physically in their lives, but not a very effective roll in my opinion. They only live a few miles from Mr. X's Sister, so it was much easier for him to be around them when he lived at his Sister's home. Based on what I observed in previous visits with all of them, Mr. X knew of a problem with his oldest daughter missing too much school which was going to cause her to fail her grade. He condoned her decision to quit. In my household, this would not even be an option.

As far as the last name goes, the way I handled it was when I married, I hyphenated my last name using my maiden name first, then the hyphen with my new last name added to the end. My son did ask once why the name was different on the end and I told him that he was born before I married his Dad (actually his step-father, the one he calls his Dad.) That seemed to satisfy him and he has not asked about it since.

[ScottGem]

Ok, well you can't chalk it up to being too young and scared off by the responsibility.

I still believe that your son probably suspects the truth. And I definitely think you have waited too long to explain things to him. So, I would do it immediately. I would sit him down and tell him that you feel he is now old enough to be told and to understand the truth about his birth. Tell him that you had a ill fated relationship with Mr X that you don't regret because he was the result of that relationship. Tell him Mr X, for reasons he never explained, did not want to initially maintain a parental relationship. Tell him however, that he initiated (doesn't matter whether it was through the sister or not) renewing the relationship. Then leave it up to him as to whether he wants to continue exploring that relationship.

I'd also tell him that your husband knew about him yet still chose to marry you and raise him. That he has been and always will be his father by choice, if not by biology.

Finally, you apologize for not telling him sooner, but that you were waiting until you thought he was ready and were just trying to protect him.

[s_cianci]

First off, on a personal note, who did your son believe Mr. X to be all this time? I understand your wanting to make it a "smooth transition" but, in the meantime you obviously had to give your son some sort of explanation of Mr. X. What exactly was that? Now, emotional issues aside, as you have sole custody, if Mr X attempts to take your son without your permission and doesn't return him, then he is guilty of kidnapping and will be dealt with accordingly. As for Mr. X taking you to court, what will happen will depend on what he asks for. He may ask for a formal visitation order to be established, he may ask for joint or full custody. If he asks for visitation it's a pretty sure bet he'll get it. He may even get joint custody. It's unlikely that he'd get full custody as you and your husband have been raising your son in a stable home for the last 10 years. It's doubtful that any judge would consider it in his best interests to disrupt all of that.

[NJMMOM]

First off, on a personal note, who did your son believe Mr. X to be all this time? I understand your wanting to make it a "smooth transition" but, in the meantime you obviously had to give your son some sort of explanation of Mr. X. What exactly was that?

I told him we were going to see an old friend of mine, which was the truth because I was going to see the Sister, whom I have been friends with for a long time. Mr. X would just happen to be there. He was introduced to my son as the Brother of my friend.