Visitation issues and dealing with the absent Father
I apologize in advance because this is going to be a long story. I feel it needs to be told in it's entirety to be fully understood.
I have a son who is almost 10 years old and we reside in NC. Back in 1997, his biological Father (we'll call him Mr. X) and I dated for a short period, until he found out I was pregnant. Mr. X chose at that time to sever all ties with me and for years we heard nothing from him. Within a month after finding out I was pregnant, I met my husband. We have been together since we first started dating and he has been the only father figure in my son's life. For all intents and purposes, it appeared as though Mr. X did not intend to ever have a relationship with our son, so I moved on with my life and my husband and I created a stable, loving environment for my son.
In the meantime, the social services went after Mr. X on my behalf for child support, a DNA test was done and a support order was established. The support papers I have state that I have sole custody and that I am the custodial parent.
As the years passed, I wondered if Mr. X would ever want to be a part of his son's life, but I assumed that he didn't because he never attempted to contact us. I heard from Mr. X's Sister a few times over the years. She would occasionally call and ask about my son to find out how he was doing. She mentioned several times over the years that she wished her Brother would do the right thing and at least try to have a relationship with his son.
Finally, when my son was about 8 and a half years old, Mr. X's Sister called and stated that Mr. X would like for me to consider letting him see the child. I was skeptical about it at first because Mr. X was not requesting it himself. His Sister and I discussed it. First off, she was made aware that I had not told our son yet about his biological Father. My husband has been the only Dad he has ever known. I explained that Mr. X left me to deal with a difficult situation. I didn't feel it was fair to tell our son from the start that his Dad just disappeared and obviously didn't want to be a part of his life, so I didn't burden him with that information.
The Sister and I agreed that I would bring my son over to have a cook-out among "friends" at her home. This would give Mr. X and the rest of his family the opportunity to see the child and begin to connect. We agreed that after some time had passed and Mr. X and our son were able to get to know each other a little better, then he would be told who Mr. X was. For a while, this worked out great. Every few weeks, I would drive my son to her house which is about 70 miles away, she and I would talk while my son, Mr. X and other kids in the family would play ball or swim.
After four or five visits, the family began pressuring me to tell my son who Mr. X was. I still was not getting any kind of communication directly from Mr. X and I spoke to him about how he really needed to communicate with me about our child. He had both my cell and home phone numbers, but he still would not call. He would have his Sister call every time to set it up.
All of a sudden, six months pass by with no contact from him or his Sister. I was confused, but I decided to leave it alone. I felt that if Mr. X was serious about wanting to form a relationship with our child, he would call me to discuss it.
Eventually, Mr. X's Sister began to call again. She explained that Mr. X and his live in girlfriend had split up, he was going through a lot and he was now living with her family. She said that this was the reason that no contact had been made. She requested that I start bringing my son to her home again. Reluctantly, I agreed, but I told her that I was not convinced that Mr. X really wanted to know his son because if he did, why would he disappear again for six months? Why not just call me himself and let me know there is some sort of problem. I didn't need details, I just needed him to show that he was serious and responsible.
So, once again I began taking our son to the Sister's home and allowed Mr. X to spend 4-5 hours with him every few weeks (when it was convenient for all of us.) Keep in mind that all of this traveling back and forth (140 miles total each trip) was paid for exclusively by me. I made time in my schedule to take our child there and bring him home. I paid for the gas both ways, etc. Mr. X continued to pay his child support faithfully from the day it was court ordered, so I felt I should at least do my part to make it as easy as I could for all of us involved. I feel like I really tried my best.
Once again, the two of them began to connect over the next 3-4 visits. It was going pretty well. I still was not completely convinced that Mr. X was in it for the long haul, but I figured it would not be long before I would feel comfortable telling our son who Mr. X was.
On our last visit, Mr. X, his Sister and I made plans for this weekend. Mr. X told our son that we would plan to go bowling so Mr. X could see just how good of a bowler he is. (Our son is on a bowling league here in town and his team won the league championship this past season.) Our son was excited to be able to show them how well he can bowl, so the date was set.
Thursday, I received a message from Mr. X's Sister that stated, "she had talked to Mr. X and he said something has come up. He will not be able to make it this weekend." I called her back and told her that it was okay. I understood that sometimes things can happen. She elaborated and volunteered that Mr. X had just moved in with a new girlfriend, that he was not living with her family any more. She said that she asked Mr. X if he had called me to let me know that he could not make it and he said to her, "no, I have not called her and I am not going to. No matter what I do, she is never going to tell our son who I am."
I was floored! What in the world does he think I am trying to do? I bend over backward in an attempt to make this easy for him and now I am being accused of not intending to ever tell our son who he is? If I didn't intend to tell the child, would I bring him to visit on my dime like I have been doing? This makes no sense what so ever to me. I tell Mr. X's Sister that I am sorry, but it appears as though her Brother and I are not going to be able to communicate in a positive way and that I do not mean any disrespect to her, but that if her Brother wants to see our son, he will have to call me personally and request it himself. I am tired of this back and forth middle man scenario Mr. X has us involved in. It is not her responsibility to do this for him and I am not going to beg him to spend time with his child. I added that she was welcome to call any time and that I would work with her to make plans for her to see my son. But I was done playing games with her Brother.
An hour or two later, I received a text message from Mr. X which stated, "you have until Wednesday of next week to tell my son who I am or I will go to the social services, file a complaint against you and take you to court."
After all I have done to try and make this a smooth transition for my son, now I am faced with the burden of an unreasonable man who only wants what he thinks is best for himself. I do not feel that Mr. X is taking into consideration the impact this could have on our child if this information is shoved down his throat. All I was asking for was a little bit of time to give the two of them the chance to connect before my child is told. I do not think that I am being unreasonable.
My response to the text message was "do what ever you think you must do."
So, now I have come to the end of my dilemma. Thank you if you made it this far, LOL.
Also, I would like to note that I sat down and spoke with my son's school counselor at the end of this past school year. I explained the situation to her. I asked what she thought of it. She said that she thought it was great that we were making this transition slowly. She is a licensed therapist and she has seen the devastating effect that this kind of news can have on a child when they find out that their world is not exactly what they thought it was. She was optimistic that if we continued on this path, that it would make it easier for the child.
My main concern has always been how my son will deal with finding out about his biological Father. He is a very intelligent child and he makes awesome grades. He is on the honor roll at school, involved in youth group activities through the church, he is also an excellent bowler and he already has dreams of going to college to study animation and video game production.
Some questions:
Do you think I am being unreasonable to ask that Mr. X give it a little time before the child is told about him, especially since Mr. X has a propensity to disappear like he has done in the past?
I am not really concerned about Mr. X taking me to court over it because I know that with the child support he pays on his son and the two children he has with his ex-wife, the probability of him being able to afford it is not very good. But, if by some chance he did take me to court, what should I expect? Since he is just now really starting to get acquainted with his son, would the judge not most likely order supervised visitation? Unfortunately, Mr. X is too bull headed to see that he is getting that now at absolutely no expense to him what so ever.
As far as the custody stuff goes, are my court ordered child support papers which state that I have sole custody solid enough? What I mean is if by some chance, Mr. X flipped and decided to sneak off with the child during one of the visits, would my child support paperwork be enough to force the police to make him bring our child back home or do I need something else in addition to the support papers?
Thank you.
NJMMOM
