[kenny84]

I have this girlfriend
I think she's the most attractive girl I've seen in a while and I'm adoring her
She's smart, caring, sensitive about others, and she basically completes me
I really do feel like she's perfect
But she does have this problem

She says she has panic attacks in crowded places, when she has a little bit to drink, and at places where she can't get immediate access to comfort places such as if she needs to get to the bathroom
She's constantly going through cycles where she's happy, then she gets incredibly emotional
This has been a real strain on our relationship together
I don't blame her for any of this because its just something she needs to get through in order to find herself and to figure out what she really wants

I've been through a period of social anxiety
And a long period where I felt many of these feelings she has
I'm not saying I know what she's feeling but I know what panic attacks feel like and what depression is like
But it was through ruthlessness, and countless times of actually facing myself, my own fears, interacting with the right people (like my gf), and some luck that I was able to get through the hard parts of it

I don't know what else I can do. I can try my best to be there for her, but there's only so much I can take at a time.
Sometimes I have the energy to stick with her late at night when she's feeling down, but sometimes I'm just too tired no matter how hard I try, my fuse is just to short to be patient.

Should I stick with her through this and to risk that things will never be fixed? - maybe I just need some confirmation from people to give me strength
Or should I let her go? - I'm afraid ill never be able to find someone else who I like as much as her

I wish I had more strength, and that she would come to understand herself better.

[stilllearning]

It sounds like you do know what she is going through. Panic attacks are the worst ever. Did you do any therapy or medication to get through your anxiety? Is she doing either? Of course the choice is yours but both of you going to therapy together and individually can help you and her get her through this.

But if she doesn't get any help with this is probably will not get any better.

[kenny84]

Thanks for your reply still learning. I did go to counseling and I was on antidepressants for a while. I kept thinking it didn't help me out that much and that it was me, but maybe it helped out more then I thought. She will be starting school again in September, and I think she said she's going to start seeking counseling once she's back in school.

[4answers]

Sometimes we just need someone to listen !

Re read your post and re read it again and you will realise one fundemental thing that all of us guys do ! WE FIX THINGS... THATS WHAT WE DO, WHAT WE ARE TAUGHT WE SHOULD DO. WHAT IS EXPECTED OF US.

However in this instance you cannot fix this, its not your issue to fix and the more you try to fix this then the more you will be exhuasted and frustrated by your efforts.

Forgive me if this seems to simplify or trivialise the issue, that is not my intent.

How about saying to yourself, this is 100% my girlfriends issue that she alone can resolve but because I love her and wish to help her resolve this, I will be the listener that she needs so that she can unload the emotions that are so confusing her mind. Once she can unload the emotions her mind can then begin to make sense of them !

Only her mind can do this - not yours ! Your advice is not relevant because you are not in her shoes, she needs to find her own way... Just listen, let her know that you are their to listen and let her figure it out !

This is what a councillor does, gives you the time to put the puzzle together, because with the best will in the world, there is no one else who can.

So the next time she is stressed, even arguing, throwing things. You take an emotional step back and think, that is OK, I know she is going through a rough time and not able to deal with it fully yet. So because of this she is lashing out in frustration. Therefore I will reasure her that it is OK to get angry, upset and talk about it.

It will do wonder... good luck.

[talaniman]

You can support some one through rough times, but you can't always fix their problems. Wonder why she hasn't seen a doctor, to help her.

[kenny84]

4answers, your very correct. I try to fix things but I know that I can't fix her. Its up to her to help herself.

A counselor is there and works an hour with you, but I'm expected to be there during the times when she's upset and it gets tiring to listen to her.

How do you remain a good composure while listening, and how do you remain energetic enough to listen when she gets emotional so often?

[GlindaofOz]

When she unloads listen. Women do not expect men to fix their problems or provide them with solutions. Women just need to empty their heads and put the information out there.
Women are built to communicate. We love to communicate everything if we could narrate our own lives we would, heck we kind of do.

When men go to their friends and talk to them about a problem they are going there for specifics, for help on what to do. Women do that but mostly its just to get it out of our heads.

So again she just needs you to listen. Fight every urge to comment, "help", provide suggestions or fix. Just listen. If she is panicking and upset just hug and say "baby I love you I am always here for you". BAM you're boyfriend of the year ;)

[talaniman]

I give you a lot of credit Ken, but honestly you may be in over your head, and need to back off sometime. Just as she put expectations on you , in a healthy (?) relationship it has to be mutual so as she expects, you must expect at least fair treatment, and not be a sounding board from convenience, and she should be helping herself also.

[SnakeBite]

It sounds to me like she needs psychiatric care and medication to normalize her emotionally.

[4answers]

When she unloads listen. Women do not expect men to fix their problems or provide them with solutions. Women just need to empty their heads and put the information out there.

This is so true, Us blokes find this very hard to relate to. To us if you have a problem you fix it, if you can't fix it you ask the advice of the person who can fix it. Simple and Logical to us...

Now the fairer sex!. lol. Try looking at it this way, Men can only deal with one thing at a time, we deal with this problem until it is solved, like a calculator doing a sum. Women on the other hand are like a computer, dealing with several problems at once, multi tasking. Therefore just like a computers hard drive they have loads of data all over the place and this mixed up data reduces performance, therefore to improve performance you de frag your hard drive - The data is sorted and organised correctly so that all pieces of information can be found. You need to perform the same function for your girlfriend, act as a de frag of her brain by letting her unload all of the information, analyse it, sort it and put it in the correct order.

Now just like a PC, you don't need to know all of the data on the disk, you just need to provide the means for the computer to analyse and sort out the data.

Hence just listen - take note of what she says, but don't get deep into it or your male instinct to problem solve will kick in and will frustrate you and annoy her!

Now women discuss and share all their thoughts (even the stuff that seems trivial and irrelevant to us) They do this because it is a way of checking that their reasoning is valid, comformation of their peers, so to speak.

Men on the other hand are raised, and have peer pressure to do the exact opposite! That is not the woman's fault and probably their way is healthier than ours.

[ag1914]

I went through that for 3 yrs.before I got any help.if it's not taken care of it keeps getting worse!at first it was depression I would stand out in the back yard for hours watching the grass grow.then I started getting panic attacks.I was afraid I was'nt getting a heart attack!could'nt breath,shake like a leaf.if the refrigerator went off"oh godthe ref.died"if a car hit a bump out in the road it would get me going again.but to shorten this up I got on zoloft and that finally helped.after awhile I started to feel like I was on the verge again so I'm on xanax else now.I did have trouble with prozac,that could scare you half to death.