[Skavuvie]

... I am very shy about this, but here goes: I have been in a monogomous relationship for 10 and 1/2 years. We began dating when she was 20 and I was 19, and we went through all of the usual steps: we both lived with our parents, then alone individually, then (as of 4 years ago) together. For the first years, we had a wonderful relationship where we were supportive and good. Big things began changing her - she went from a financially reliable person to a wreck with money. She went from being honest to deceitful, lying about anything she thought would cause us to argue. She complained of feeling "like she was drowning," "she didn't know who she was anymore," and "hating herself." I knew she had a long history of mental illness (some very severe) in her family, but believed (naively) that it was something she could fix. She didn't go to therapy, and I didn't understand the severity of her condition choosing instead to try to "motivate" her (I know, what a guy thing to do) by being forceful, encouraging, mean, basically treating her like I could find away to snap her out of it. We fell into ridiculous cycles: She would get lethargic and not get around to paying the rent. I'd ask her if she did and she'd say yes. Our landlord would call and we would have a huge blowout name-calling fight because I had been lied to again. Make no mistake, it wasn't an everyday occurrence - the majority of days were nonchalant and often happy, but a couple times a week would be pretty dead-on. We were killing ourselves. Then it stopped.

She told her best friend about our fights, and her friend called my g/f parents. Together, they decided she must leave. So in the middle of the night, she left. Very similar to another question on here, she said the usual 'I'm doing this for you." At the most, she wants us to split up and never talk again as it's too hard for her... at the least, she wants to be alone, for however long it takes but at least a year. Her parents blame me for not 'being there' for her. I'm lost - she was the only woman I've loved for ten years. And the irony is that NOW, after three or four years, I am understanding depression, what it is, what she's going through and how to really be supportive. I'm regretting all of the cries for help that I didn't hear or understand, all the little things she asked me for to help her. I know I could do right by her and stand by her as if she had cancer or any other disease. I feel like I could be so good with my knowledge now - I love her so much. Am I being a fool?

[valinors_sorrow]

As kindly as I know how to say this, I think your own factual history suggests that the two of you are really bad medicine for each other. If there is to be a fighting chance at all here, she'll need to go away and fix her and you'll need to go away and fix you. Make no mistake about it -- it takes all that. And if by some stroke of luck you both manage that and by some sheer miracle of miracles you find each other and still have mutual interest (which is very likely not to be the case, by the way) then maybe.. but in the meantime you are bucking such terribly long odds here that maybe when you see the whole picture you will look back and see yourself as pretty naïve? Getting well from a mentail illness is not something that works easily while in relationship to others who have accommodated that illness and that is a great fact that world confirms again and again. Let her go and focus on healing yourself in this, you have much work still to do.

[talaniman]

Had to spread the rep Val but you are so right about people seeking their own healing before there can be any chance for a relationship. Since she is gone work on yourself and leave her alone to do the same.

[CornDog]

Your problem is slightly different to mine
But my ex to had depression for ages and we never sought the help. That was one of the many reasons we broke up anyway
I have no quick answers but I can say time will tell, Don't rush in to begging for her back.. take the time you need to work on yourself and then decide what's best in a month or 2
I did this. I ignored my ex for about 2 months. Only went there to see our daughter and take out daughter. I had to make sure I really wanted to be with her before I made any more steps, I've started talking to her again and things are going to little better but the further is still not set.
I don't think you should just give up like others are saying. But you need to take a step back. And work on yourself for awhile.