[seenbutnotheard]

I got a problem I don't know what it is and I woulden't doubt if you can help me either.

It all started when I was a Junior in high school (im a senior now). I moved from a Christian high school (im agnostic not christian BTW). I was content there I got along with people and I liked the friendly atmosphere. Anyway I got to this new school and I just felt apart from the beginning, I play sports and stuff but I have no friends. First off I choose not to because there are three types of people in my school Christian better than everyone else type of people in which I share no common interests, the second type is hard core party animals which makes up 80% of the school where sex, drinking and the belittling of each other is of common occurrence, the third is people I could be friends with but I always feel like I'm a burden around them, they always try to avoid me. That's the social problem I have that I won't be able to fix till college I hope. It's going to make a terrible senior year.

My problems of a mental nature, are as follows. I feel so distant from myself, I can't do anything well from sports to math or English. I try my hardest I never get better I force myself to do this stuff because I have no motivation or interest to do so, and I'm under constant pressure from my parents because they want me to go to a good university for which field I have no idea. I can't express myself or my ideas and what can do is inferior at best to others of the same nature. I feel lazy and useless and I don't want to. Of course there are times I do have fun and I do enjoy life but it's like doing drugs, it doesn't last and I feel even worse than before when all is said and done. No matter what happens I always feel the same when I go to bed, alone and miserable. I have no love for anything no hate, no fear, I done some terrible things in my life, like breaking into buildings and stuff and I feel the same when I'm being punished I feel like I'm just waiting for it to be over, if I'm doing something that I don't want to do I always feel that way. That's 90% of my life, doing things I don't want to do, and I always grin and bare it. I tried to tell my parents this stuff but they are only concerned about my future. I feel like life is pointless and stupid (don't worry I'm not suicidal and I never will be I can promise you that). I always expect everything to happen that way I'm never disappointed. I've tried to change my life I've tried to learn to love the things I so much don't want to do it doesn't work. I'm always being told how much of a failure I am and that I'm not doing good enough and I'm sick of it. I do my best, and not even I can stand the work I do. When I do manage to do something that is somewhat acceptable I feel no sense of accomplishment I feel there is nothing for me in this world and I've often felt like running away from everything to find what it is I'm made for because I have no idea what it is. My old high school told me I was made to serve Jesus and spread the word of god and do his bidding, to me that's just a bunch of crap it doesn't make me feel any better like so many success stories they have tell me I do. I have no idea what to do and I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life.

EDIT:

I always feel like I'm around to make other people happy, and I do but I don't feel good when I do something for someone I don't proud or happy.

[LearningAsIGo]

What are your passions? What does make you happy?

You have to find a way to balance what you want with other's expectations. Its impossible to avoid others since it does matter what your parents, teachers, etc. need to you to accomplish, but you have to make time for yourself. You won't be able to pursue a career that makes you happy if you don't know what makes you happy!
I had a lot of those issues when I was younger. Everything I did was for someone else. I finally had to recognize that and decide I was sick of it. I finally gave myself permission to start looking into my own interests.

This is a hard age because almost no one knows what they want! Those that do will most likely change in the next few years anyway. Time will tell, but start by talking to your parents again. They may not have listened, but you may just have to keep trying.

Good luck to you

[seenbutnotheard]

I don't know what my passions are, I can't honestly say what it is that makes me happy. Everything I do makes me feel like a failure in the end. There are something's I would like to try, like learn to draw, but there is nothing available to help me achieve this goal. I really don't have the time either trying to do everything my parents want me to do, and it's always do or die with them.

[GlindaofOz]

Are you going to go to college?

I only ask because I hated high school. I felt like I had no passions or nothing that really excited me. Once I got to college I felt as if the world opened up to me. I had access to subjects that I never knew existed and I got to try so many things. I took art classes that were so much fun. I took short story writing, musical composition, history, Italian, psychology, sociology even a class totally devoted to horror movies. The list goes on. I really found myself when I went to college. I found so much passion and a real passion for learning once my options were opened up to me. Maybe it would be that way for you as well

[seenbutnotheard]

Ya I'm planning on it. If I can pay for it, I'm not too good at writing essays and stuff for scholarships. My GPA is a 3.45 something but I must tell you something in order to keep my parents off my back and keep my grades up, I have to cheat. I don't want to and I really wish I could do the work but I have too much stuff to do and I'm a simple person I can do 500 things at once. I wish I had some sort of imagination or something but I don't. I have more than enough stuff on my resume to get into almost any college I want, if I knew what I wanted to do. However I'm still under constant pressure to get more done, mare than I'm capable of doing and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Im just lazy and incompetent and I have no self motivation what soever and I've tried everything to change it and I'm still at the same spot. I don't know what to do. I don't think badly about myself by all means but every thing I try ends up in failure and I go at it with the best attitude I can muster and I practice at being patient but I'm starting to get sick and tired of waiting for something to happen tired of the same old boring routine every day of my lousy life, I wish something bad would happen to me so I can have an excuse for being this way like most people but I don't. I never wanted anything except to be happy for at least a week, of course I ask for things I don't need and some times I get them and sometimes I don't but having what I want doesn't make me feel any different ( maybe for a little while). I always thought I could take on the world by myself to say hey you idiots I made it and I had to put up with you. I'm growing weary and I just can't do this anymore without cheating myself and then it ends up being worse because I have to papers to say I can do it but can I really do it. You know what I'm saying right. No one has ever been there for me and no one is and I've dug a hole to get away but now I can't get out the sun has disappeared and I'm going to die in this whole unless someone helps me out.

[GlindaofOz]

Please read the forum rules on assigning people not helpfuls. A disagree is only supposed to be for when an answer I factually incorrect or dangerous not when you do not agree with what I have to say or don't want to hear it.

[GlindaofOz]

Comments on this post
seenbutnotheard disagrees: What good is this going to do me when so many other people have achieved so much more than me before college.


To be honest with you high school is like a tour of duty if you get out alive and in tact you've done well. Life BEGINS AFTER HS not during. People who overly succeed in HS tend to crash and burn in college and thereafter. People like you bloom in college and go on to do great things. What matters is what you do in your real life not HS life. Keep that in mind

[Illusion]

Dear seenbutnot heard, you are having a hard time but it doesn't sound like it is because of what you are or are not doing. From what you wrote, it sounds like your family is not supportive of you at all and it really hurts your feelings. You say you are doing a lot - but not getting recognition for it. That's tough.

There are several painful thoughts in what you wrote - I am always being told what a failure I am, that you are not doing good enough - so yes, you end up feeling useless and that everything that you are doing is pointless. And you say that you do not want friends because you feel you are a burden to them. Is it because you feel you are a burden to your family? It sounds like you may have projected your feelings about your family onto other people and this no doubt will cause you to not feel like having friends.

One way to feel safe would be to distance yourself from yourself - in this way you can protect yourself from the hurt and it is very common when we are being hurt in some way. You write you cannot express yourself and your ideas - so no wonder you feel so frustrated that you cannot be yourself. It sounds like you are not allowed to say anything about how you really feel and think. And then - that whatever you do is inferior - and then you go to bed alone and miserable. You are suffering emotionally.

If you are going to college then yes, I would say it would be good for you - one because you would get away from your family and two it will keep you busy. It is not because of anything that you are doing wrong - it sounds like your family is very harsh in their comments to you. They may believe this is one way of motivating you. Or some families just think that way because it is the only way they know how. That doesn't mean it is right - it just means that they are used to this way of thinking with no recognition to how much pain it causes their loved ones.

Because of the terrible things you have been told, yes you would feel that life is pointless and useless - and you feel no one is there for you. The way you are feeling is the way any person would feel. You say you don't think bad about yourself - but write that you are lazy and incompetent. This is not to blame you but I want you to see how you have internalized what you have heard from your parents. No matter how terrible the things we have been told - we internalize what our primary caretakers say to us. This is how we learn to think about ourselves.

Let me say this - when you or anyone tells you that you are lazy, stupid, you finished a project but so what it's still not good enough - and on and on - it is like a knife going through you. It cuts deep and stays there. No matter how much you or I say, I'll be tough, and strong, my feelings can't get hurt - you are hurt. You end up believing that you are stupid, useless - whatever the insult was. It hurts - a lot. An insult is an insult even if it is coming from someone you love. Anyone who has been hurt knows this. You are not alone. We are human and we feel pain. Our feelings get hurt. This is what is causing you so much emotional distress and to think of yourself so harshly.

It is normal to want to live, to have a good life, to do well. The first thing is that I want you to recognize that you, yourself - who you are inside of yourself, all of your feelings, your very heart - exists separate from any experience. What does this mean? It means that you exist as a self, a spirit - whatever you want to call it - that is not a part of any experience. No matter what has happened and what anyone has said to you - no matter how terrible, how awful, how degrading - you, your spirit remains whole, complete, peaceful, powerful - today, tomorrow, forever. You, your spirit remains changeless in this complete wholeness, safe, complete at the very center of your being.

I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your family, if possible. If you feel it would be all right. You need to let them know that when you finish something and you are told it's not good enough that you feel hurt, it makes you feel incompetent and stupid. Let me say this - your family may or may not understand. They may have been told the same things they are telling you and now believe it is right.

I had to go at it alone because my family was not suportive of me, and like you I suffered terribly from all the stuff that was told to me. In my family, it was a way of control. I spent time in therapy to learn about myself, what I wanted - and then (after I thought I was done) - I had to learn of a new way to think about myself. You are a young person and the key to your life is to think in a new way, a better way, to believe in goodness - rather than insults, putdowns and how horrible life is. That is all a bunch of lies. That is the wrong way to think about yourself and to think about life. But like me and so many other people, we grow up this way and think it is the only way to think and the only way to live.

Life is good when we look at it correctly. The universe in which we live supports us completely, forever. There is no condemnation in the universe. Go outside and look at the stars and know it holds nothing against you - ever. And how much of this good life can you have? How much sunshine can you have? All of it. How much air can you breathe? All of it. Life will support you in all you are and do, so long as it is in goodness, now and forever. If only people could really see the truth of this life we live - then life would be all right. Think of it, the universe we live in - the moon, the milky way, the sun, - go on silently, completely in absolute power and absolute intelligence. We are a part of this universe and of it. We have meaning because we live in a universe that is meaningful. Think of it - if the universe didn't exist, we wouldn't either. We must recognize why we are what we are, because we are of this universe and this life. And it is all good. Whatever has created the universe we live, has created us. Call it God, reality, "it" - whatever you want.

If it just wasn't for people (including some of my family members) stupid ideas! Wrong ideas! Good God how we suffer because of stupid and wrong ideas!

I want you to go into therapy if you can so you can begin to help yourself through this, your feelings, your ideas. You need to sort out your feelings and ideas about yourself and your family. Any help you can get in personal development - even if it means taking a seminar, a class on how to make friends, whatever you like that will help you personally, anything that will support you to learn better, will help you. I also would like for you to go online and see if you can get a small book by Ernest Holmes called This Thing called Life. If you can and want to, The Science of Mind book has affirmations you can use. You will find them so healing and helpful. Here is something you can use on an everyday basis to a better life. Here is the key to life and freedom from all the darkness and pain.

Know that all power of the universe is with you always and supporting you every step of the way. You are safe and divinely guided in all you do, in truth, in peace, and in happiness. All that you need comes to you and all that you need to know is revealed to you. Goodness is wherever you go.

Write again and how you are doing. Bless you.

[seenbutnotheard]

I don't think said what I wanted to say the right way.

You are right about the stuff you said but it's not me.

See the problem isn't the people around me it is me.

Every time I do something that requires a bit of effort, I want to quit and I feel crappy, it doesn't make me feel good at all. I receive no sense of accomplishment from the things I can do well like play saxophone which is the only thing I'm very very good at but I have every bit of it, it gives me a headache and I can't stand it, and I get all these awards but I'm not happy I just feel worse. My parents do support me in the things they want me to do, like sports and music but I hate them and I hate doing math, I hate reading books and I hate waiting all the time.

There are plenty things I would like to do like make techno music (tried to teach myself that and failed), 3d animation and modeling (tried to teach myself that and failed), Websites (same... ). Now your saying why didn't I get someone to help me learn this stuff, well that simple there is no one with the skills to teach me within a radius of 1500 square miles and no that's not exaggerated. There isn't anyone with the remote interest of anything I would like to do with in the area that I live.

Not that it would matter everyone avoids me anyway, I am the only kid at school without a single friend not one out of 300 some kids. I've talked to them all, I've tried all the different things I could, even resorted to buying friends and that of course was already doomed to fail.

Your right about college though.

I could try all the subjects that I would like to learn to see if I'm interested in them.

One small problem. Have you seen how much college cost lately?

Of course I could get scholar ships and stuff though I highly doubt it. And really once I get through trying everything I'll be so much in debt I would have to kill myself just so I could live.

Also there isn't a single college with all the things I would like to try.

Though I have found a way to numb myself from the world it works quite well and I know I can do it for the rest of my life without incident. I do exactly or to the best of my ability what eveyone tells me to do without question I play football play my saxophone run all afternoon. I'll I have to do is tell myself it will soon be over your going to make it through it there is no question about it, you might not like it but your going to do it. So I do and it makes it so that life is like a big waiting room and the only thing to read is something stupid like Martha Stewards better living. Am I happy no, but I'm still alive and everyone gets what they want, and if doing what people tell me to do for the rest of my life is the only thing I can do then so be it. I can't even feel physical pain any more it works so well, I've broken bones fallen of buildings had the skin torn from my face (no there is no hideous scar or anything I look the same and I did before) I never feel a thing. I have constant headaches 24/7 but that doesn't bother me either.

When it all comes down to it, I feel like crap I hate my life (but its perfect compared to some). Why can't I have normal problems like drug and alcohol addictions, and be retarded or something. I don't know what I'm trying to say, mabey someone here does until someone can fix my life for me I'm stuck like this.

[GlindaofOz]

Well to be honest with your attitude I can't really see you doing much at all other then sit around and be negative.

There is financial aid. There are ways to go to college you just have to stop complaining long enough to do research. My mother made $20,000 a year when I applied for college. I went to a very expensive private college and was able to receive financial aid for all of it. It happened because I made it happen I wanted so badly.

What you are also missing about college is while there may not be classes in what you want to do there will be people who have the same interests as you. There are clubs or just people who can teach you want to learn but you have to be pro active. You can't sit around and wait for everything to come to you.

I also believe you are depressed and need to speak to a medical professional for help in this. Someone your age should not be so disinterested in the world around them. Through counseling you could feel a lot better. You can receive mental health services for little or no cost through your towns health and human services department.

You have two choices in front of you right now. Sit in the same state you are in and be miserable or be a little proactive and make an appointment for counseling and change your life completely.

[Illusion]

Well, I think you have gotten some good advice here. Ms. Glinda makes a good point to say that you have a choice to make. Take care.