[Across The Universe]

This is my first post on the site. Hopefully someone can help me out. Please read it all.. :)

Here is the back story.. My boyfriend and I met online a little over three years ago, and almost a year ago today we "met" in person, and have been living together for over six months. When the relationship started I was 15, and he was 21. Being that he was my first boyfriend, he was and is my first everything. At 15 I sent him nude pictures of myself, the only time I've ever done something like that.. and it was for him. He accepted and really like the pictures, despite our age difference.He didn't ask for the photos, I sent them. The only problem is, the next day I asked him what he was doing, and he told me he was looking at porn. Now keep in mind this was over three years ago, and I was 15 at the time. It was devastating to me that our only means of sexual gratification was online, pictures. And after I exposed myself to him, the first man to ever see my body, he chose to look at other women.


After that problem.. All was well in our relationship. I told him in the past how much that incident hurt me. He understood, and promised to never look at porn again. He had a choice, I gave him one. Me, (pictures of me) Or.. porn. He chose me. I sent him new photo's all the time.. All was good until a few months ago. I was using his computer and came across some porn links. It shocked me because for the past 3 years I've thought he only looked at me. Maybe it hurt me because of the thing that happened at 15. I don't know. I confronted him and he said he wasn't getting off to it, just looking.. Fair enough. Silly to believe I know, but I didn't want to hurt anymore.

So, fast forward to now. I'm 18, he is 23. Two weeks ago I found he was looking at more porn. It killed me, that he lied to me and was still looking at it. I asked him about it and he admitted to getting off with it. He told me the usual, "I'm a guy I need to look at other girls. There is nothing wrong with you", and so on.. After trying to explain to him the 3rd time why this hurts me so much. He promised to never look at it again, and he didn't want to hurt me. Well.. once again.

I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend, I just feel I have a legitimate reason to dislike him viewing porn. It hurts me incredibly. I'm a very sexual woman, I'm most always in the mood to please him, and I've even suggested watching porn together as a mutual thing. He is really never up for sex, or mutual masturbation. He is always too tired, or feels sick.Thats a different story... but it plays an important role in this situation. When he won't have sex with me Friday night but he will look at porn Saturday morning, it makes me wonder.

So, last night I tried to be mature ( this is before I found the porn on the computer this morning). I said to him. " I understand your need to watch porn, I wont be mad at you. It's natural." This killed me, but I thought maybe it would stop me from being hurt in the future. I doubted he would stop looking at it.

So, now what. He looked at it at the first opportunity.. He rarely wants sex with me. I feel hurt. Do I confront him, or.. let it go, even though I feel like my heart is melting. To clear one thing up, he is not cheating on me. We are always together.. he wouldn't have time. Hah.

Help...

[smoothy]

Keep in mind to a man being henpecked is the surest way to kill desire for you. I think your experience and age play a lot in this equation. Maybe even a bit on his end as well, because I see things in the behavior of both o f you and not just one.

You still have controlling aspects but you are fighting them. Which is good. He has some issues as well because viewing porn does not equal an increased urge to have sex with you. Porn Primes most guys for action.

When you stop making an issue of there is either porn or me in your heart you will have it beat. Reason I say this is 99.9% of the time its not an either or thing to a man. It isn't like dividing up a pie. Porn does not take away his feelings for you at all. I know you feel it does. Trust me in there. His personal cycles of when he's horny may explain his Friday night not interested Saturday morning horny as hell thing. Now is this a case that you are more horny at night while he is a morning type guy? Or does he deflect the same attention in the morning as well?

Just keep in mind if you push and nag him to death on the topic it WILL turn him off. Diplomacy and compromise will get the best results emotionally.

[Across The Universe]

Keep in mind to a man being henpecked is the surest way to kill desire for you. I think your experience and age play a lot in this equation. Maybe even a bit on his end as well, because I see things in the behavior of both o f you and not just one.

You still have controlling aspects but you are fighting them. Which is good. He has some issues as well due to the fact that viewing porn does not equal an increased urge to have sex with you. Porn Primes most guys for action.

When you stop making an issue of there is either porn or me in your heart you will have it beat. Reason I say this is 99.9% of the time its not an either or thing to a man. It isn't like dividing up a pie. Porn does not take away his feelings for you at all. I know you feel it does. Trust me in there. His personal cycles of when he's horny may explain his Friday night not interested Saturday morning horny as hell thing. Now is this a case that you are more horny at night while he is a morning type guy? Or does he deflect the same attention in the morning as well?

Just keep in mind if you push and nag him to death on the topic it WILL turn him off. Diplomacy and compromise will get the best results emotionally.

I don't want to turn him off. I want to have more sex with him. It's almost that he is choosing to look at it alone, rather than have sex with me. As far as him being horny the following morning rather than that night. It's not an issue with me. I tell him to wake me up and we can have sex, or even just masturbate together. I am always in the mood to have sex with him.

Most people on here will tell you it's normal for guys to look at porn and that you should just let him do it and live with it. But ultimately YOU have to make the decision whether that is something you can live with or not. If it is going to break your heart and cause you so much misery and pain, how can it be good for your relationship? You need to talk to your boyfriend about how it makes you feel. If he really loves you, he should at least acknowledge your pain and try to do something, even if everybody else on here believes that he can't possibly give up porn because he's a guy. I don't believe it, but in any case, it's whether YOU can live with a relationship like this that matters. Good luck.

Thank you. I just don't know how to confront him once again. Last time I did we had a HUGE blow out argument. :(

[smoothy]

Watch him... notice when he tends to be horniest. Some guys it's the Am some it's the evening. Gently take the initiative. Few guys will turn their back on that. Many guys like to see the woman take the initiative in bed. I'm not saying he will like it or not. Just that most guys like a woman come up to them, unzip their pants and say I want it now...

[Across The Universe]

Watch him...notice when he tends to be horniest. Some guys its the Am some its the evening. Gently take the initiative. Few guys will turn their back on that. Many guys like to see the woman take the initiative in bed. I'm not saying he will like it or not. Just that most guys like a woman come up to them, unzip their pants and say I want it now...

The sad thing is he does turn me down.. no matter when I go for it. Believe me, I've tried sexy lingerie, being in control.. ect. He tells me he is too tired, or his stomach hurts all the time. He then gets mad at me when it hurts me feelings.

[smoothy]

The sad thing is he does turn me down..no matter when I go for it. Believe me, I've tried sexy lingerie, being in control..ect. He tells me he is too tired, or his stomach hurts all the time. He then gets mad at me when it hurts me feelings.

Well that there is clearly a problem. I agree.

And Its separate from the porn. Answer this if you wish, or not, if you are comfortable, you aren't seriously overweight or anything? I'm Trying to figure out what his problem might be as most guys that age are horndogs that will hump anything that lets them. Turning down young women that clearly want them is not usual behaviour.

Heck I'm 45 and happily married. If I was single I wouldn't be turning anyone decent looking down. After 16 years of marriage we still get it on 6 out of 7 days at least. And whenever the wife feels like it, whenever that may be.

[Across The Universe]

Well that there is clearly a problem. I agree.

And Its separate from the porn. Answer this if you wish, or not, if you are comfortable, you aren't seriously overweight or anything? I'm Trying to figure out what his problem might be as most guys that age are horndogs that will hump anything that lets them. Turning down young women that clearly want them is not usual behaviour.

Most definitely don't mind answering. I'm actually considered normal to underweight. I'm 5'10 and 129 lbs. I work out at the gym daily.. ect. My bmi is 18.5 and I'm 18, and not to sound coincided but I think I am rather attractive. *shrug*

[smoothy]

Most definitely don't mind answering. I'm actually considered normal to underweight. I'm 5'10 and 129 lbs. I work out at the gym daily..ect. My bmi is 18.5 and I'm 18, and not to sound coincided but I think I am rather attractive. *shrug*

OK, that just strengthens your argument. If you was sloppy fat it would make a huge difference. But you are in quite good shape. You're sure he doesn't have someone on the side? Does he by chance suffer from depression or take certain medications for high blood pressure etc?

[Across The Universe]

OK, that just strengthens your argument. If you was sloppy fat it would make a huge difference. But you are in quite good shape. You're sure he doesn't have someone on the side? Does he by chance suffer from depression or take certain medications for high blood pressure etc?

I'm in good shape, for sure. That's why it's hard for me to find a good reason for this to be happening. When we first got together we had sex everyday, then he moved here, and moved in with me and now we manage maybe once a week if he "feels" like it. He says he is too tired from work, and I understand that but then why can't we have sex on the weekends? Why would he rather get off alone, to porn. He is not taking any medication for anything, he doesn't suffer from any conditions. And he is 23 going on 24, shouldn't he be all over me? I mean he is an AMAZING boyfriend, amazing. The only problems we ever have are with our sex lives. I want it, he doesn't. Then he does it alone. :/

I snooped around on his computer and found a conversation he had with an internet friend who happens to be a girl. I'm not threated by her in the least bit.. he was just talking to her about how I was mad about the porn. Of course the girl took his side.. funny thing is my boyfriend failed to mention the older issue, back when I was 15. So now that girl is on his side with it saying I'm silly for being mad.. there is nothing wrong with porn. Yada yada.. it's frusterating he will talk to someone else before he talks to me. I know for sure he is not cheating. He made a joke in the conversation to her.. he said. " Want to hook up? lol"... she responded " No BECAUSE YOU LOOK AT PORN!".. they both laughed.. as if my feelings are just a joke. He then said " No, I could never cheat on my girlfriend, I love her"..

So. It was a joke, but these are my damn feelings.

Sorry for the rant.. heh.

[smoothy]

Maybe its time for him to go see a doctor. Maybe he has the beginnings of some health issues he is not aware of yet. At that age you can feel invincible when you really aren't.

Personally I find sex a great way to diffuse work related stress. Maybe that's why me and my wife do it so often. We both have what can be stressful jobs.

Incidentally I do find the conversations he has with internet people a bit troubling ( and far different than what this site is for) You said that's how you met in the first place. Why is he still doing it. That's far different than viewing porn.

[Across The Universe]

Maybe its time for him to go see a doctor. Maybe he has the beginnings of some health issues he is not aware of yet. At that age you can feel invincible when you really aren't.

Personally I find sex a great way to diffuse work related stress. Maybe thats why me and my wife do it so often. We both have what can be stressful jobs.

Incidently I do find the conversations with internet people a bit troubling ( and far different than what this site is for) You said thats how you met in the first place. Why is he still doing it. Thats far different than viewing porn.

I really.. don't know.

I called him this morning to ask if he looked at porn, before confessing I saw it on his computer and he told me no. I then told him I saw it on his computer.. and he told me that he didn't remember looking at it. I didn't want to be sneaky and put him in that position but I wanted to give him a chance to tell me the truth before I accused him. After I told him I saw it, he said he had to go ( he was at work ).. (understandable) I just don't know what it's going to be like tonight when he gets home.

smoothy.. when he said he didn't remember looking at it after I told him I saw it, what does that mean. Did he really forget?

Maybe it's so hard for me to take because I don't see him as a sexual person, he never shows that to me. So when I find porn it's shocking

[smoothy]

I really..don't know.

I called him this morning to ask if he looked at porn, before confessing I saw it on his computer and he told me no. I then told him I saw it on his computer..and he told me that he didn't remember looking at it. I didn't want to be sneaky and put him in that position but I wanted to give him a chance to tell me the truth before I accused him. After I told him I saw it, he said he had to go ( he was at work )..(understandable) I just don't know what it's going to be like tonight when he gets home.

smoothy..when he said he didn't remember looking at it after I told him I saw it, what does that mean. Did he really forget?

Maybe it's so hard for me to take because I don't see him as a sexual person, he never shows that to me. So when I find porn it's shocking

No he didn't forget, he knew he was and if he was a man would just flat out admit to it. I watch porn, and openly admit it... but then my wife is always there in the room and she comes over and watches it with me at times. I never hide it or try to.

What I don't do however is chat up women on porn sites like he was. I treat that in the way of how would I feel if it was her chatting up guys.


Its those conversations he's having online with other women I see as a matter of concern. And what all is really being said.

[Across The Universe]

No he didn't forget, he knew he was and if he was a man would just flat out admit to it. I watch porn, and openly admit it...but then my wife is always there in the room and she comes over and watches it with me at times. I never hide it or try to.

What I don't do however is chat up women on porn sites like he was. I treat that in the way of how would I feel if it was her chatting up guys.


Its those conversations he's having online with other women I see as a matter of concern. And what all is really being said.

Yeah, the girl he was talking to has been his online friend as long as I've known him. So.. there nothing I can really do about it. He used to have a LOT of friends that were younger girls on the online community we met on.. He doesn't talk to them much anymore but he still talks to that one girl. She is about my age.

He knew I didn't like him talking to all of those girls, but that was well over two years ago. One as young as 14. They talked on the phone back then quiet frequently.. and it really bothered the hell out of me. I also believe she sent him photos, dressed.. but still none the less. He made jokes on the message board about ing her.. ect. The thread was called " Forbidden fruit".. and he said. " Ashley is my forbidden fruit, damn hot 14 year olds."... eh, weird right? He was 21 at the time... Again.. this was over 3 years ago before we even met. Still freaks me out, and I didn't know about those conversations until after I met him.

Uhhhh... what do I tell him when he gets home? I really don't want to be in another argument, our 1 year in person anniversary is tomorrow. Dammit.

[Synnen]

Whoa... while I see the problem with the porn and your sex life... If I were him I'd be extremely upset with you, and I'd be locking my computer against you.

You SNOOP. I know you think you're trying to fix your relationship, but you're doing this the wrong way. You're going to have as many or more problems with the trust thing (and it's NOT just him lying to you, it's you reading conversations not meant for your eyes, too)

You need to get your rear ends into some couples counseling, pronto. If he won't go... well, let's just say that he doesn't have a great track record (from what you wrote) of respecting your feelings so far. I wouldn't waste a heck of a lot more time on someone who doesn't respect my feelings or my privacy--so you BOTH have some thinking to do about how you want to go forward in this relationship, and you BOTH need to talk to each other about it.

[smoothy]

I'm going to have to think about what to say. Confronting him is just likey to start a fight unless you can do it in just the right way. Unfortunately I don't know what would be the right way.

I'll have to take your word on those conversations. If they are open and you see what he's typing when you wish then maybe there is nothing going on. If he's doing it in secret maybe something is up.

About the counseling recommended by Synnen. Perhaps it is time for some of that. You have tried to talk about it... you do need to find out what's up with his lack of sex drive. And he's not wanting to be forthright about it or so I understand. You have to eliminate an undiagnosed medical issue, and find out the reason behind it.

In the remote case of it being him needing a new conquest.. then you need to know that as well so you can prepare for that.

One thing that I do find a little disturbing (creepy actually) is his thing for 14 and 15 year olds particularly with that much age difference. Now there is a chance it just happened or then maybe its what he was after. When I was that age I was chasing after women that much older than me... not that much younger.


There is a big difference between a 15 year old and an 18 year old in maturity. I'm just trying to be objective with what I see here. And what has changed. Its not terribly easy to see that online in a case like this. A Counceler would help for this reason.

[Shell_Lee]

Across The Universe - I've read everything that's been posted here, and I'll add my two cents. You may not like what I have to say though.

To me, it's seems like you are trying to convince yourself enough that there is a problem. In reality, I SEE A HUGE PROBLEM.

First: You said that he was talking to a lot of 14 and 15 year olds online when he was 18-21. Why wasn't he talking to people his own age? There is such a HUGE difference between a 15 and 18-21 year old. Are you sure he is still not talking to kids that age online (completely gross and inappropriate)? At the age of 15, you are still discovering yourself and even try and rebel (I SURE DID) But he was 18. I don't see any reason that he should have been talking to you, and others, like he did.

Second: What kind of porn is he looking at (if I may ask)? Do you see a trend in what he likes? Maybe it's something that he doesn't/can't get from you. Another thing does run though my mind though. I know this is going to sound really bad and I don't want to hurt you, but maybe he feels like you are getting to old for him. :confused:

Third: He's 23 and doesn't want sex with you?! Something is def wrong there. Don't take his excuses anymore! Find out why and find out now before things get worse.

[smoothy]

Second: What kind of porn is he looking at (if I may ask)? Do you see a trend in what he likes? Maybe it's something that he doesn't/can't get from you. Another thing does run though my mind though.

Good point about what kind of porn he's watching... If it involves kids or young girls seriously look into moving out ASAP.

I know this is gonna sound really bad and I don't want to hurt you, but maybe he feels like you are getting to old for him. :confused:

I was holding off on making that comment till I knew more but that is a very valid point if my other statement rings a bell. The predators like young girls as they are impressed an older man is interested in them, and they are after a younger more inexperienced girl that can be more easily manipulated due to their youth and inexperience. Which is what there is an age of consent law in every state.

[eustress89]

Okay, so I read everything said here. I don't really have much more advice, because smoothy has pretty much said it ALL. So maybe this is just a recap I don't know, but it doesn't hurt to try.

If you catch him watching porn sometime, sit down next to him and watch it with him. Or maybe take the initative and unzip his pants and start sucking, Most guys wouldn't stop that.

Maybe he is watching TOO much porn, and masturbating way TOO much. Maybe he is just tired from all the masturbation to have sex. Well, that is his fault. Not yours. You do everything you can, and you are willing to do what he wants. Well, how bad would it be to maybe take the computer away for a while and see if he wants to have sex with you, and he might even find out how much he enjoys it. Don't do that if it will pose a big problem, you don't want him doing any physical damage... if porn is that important to him.

Counseling is something you should definitely go for, before taking action yourself.

But if you are willing to take action yourself, one day just surprise him at work or something. See what exactly he is up to there. I know you say he isn't cheating. But guys can play it so smooth it seems like they aren't interested in anyone BUT you. But do not be fooled.

If you try some of these things, and he STILL doesn't want you, he has more than just a porn problem. Try talking about it with him. Find out why he isn't turned on by you. Because there is no way he is sick that much or tired that much, he should want you.


Also, he may think now that he has you, he doesn't need to keep up with the sex life. He figures you won't leave him. So he doesn't need to do any work on keeping you around.


I hope all of this didn't sound too harsh. Because that is not how I am intending it at all. I just really hope he gets over this. Especially his obsession with little girls.. that is embarrassing and it needs to be stopped immediately before something goes wrong..

[angie87]

Across the universe... I feel for you...
I feel the same way... I am a lot younger than my boyfriend too.. he's 29. I'm 21...

It seems like he is always looking at porn when I'm away.. and getting off to it..
Which sort of seems like the reason he's never in the mood..
Maybe you should ask if he has a medical condition.. maybe he doesn't want to disappoint you.
Because that was the case for my boyfriend.he says it's because he can't stay hard for too long and he doesn't want to disappoint me and I guess it hurts his pride too..

But honestly it hurts more, when I'm in the mood and he says he doesn't want to do it.. or isn't in the mood...

I know it's hard.. I don't know what to do either :(