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lizrobson · Jul 28, 2007, 04:32 PM

My son suffers from Depression. He is 20. Will not take his meds. Goes out and stays up all night, sleeps all day and when he gets in one of his modes he destroyes our home. We can not get him help because he refused to see anyone and he is over 18. Is there anyone else out there who might have the same problem and what can we do?

XenoSapien · Jul 28, 2007, 04:35 PM

In a way, everyone is depressed; it's just how we handle it that denotes a difference. Give him the reality of the rest of the world; sounds like he's taking advantage of "having it easy" by not worrying much about it.

He needs to get a job, his own place and be exposed to the nasty reality we all call life.

XenoSapien

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2007, 05:02 PM

Like xeno said, tough love is your response. Stop supporting him and his bad habits. Give him an ultimatum -- you love him to pieces but he has to be out in a week (for instance) or his stuff goes to the curb. When the day comes, if he's not out, pack up his stuff and put it all on the curb. Don't discuss, don't apologize, just make your statement and stick to it.

Dreams of lies · Aug 1, 2007, 02:03 PM

Maby the only way to get him help is to sneek is pills in or something.. it is not right for him to destroy your home.. and be scared when he is going to do it agan if anything when he does it agean call the copes and tell them what is going on... hope this helps

J_9 · Aug 1, 2007, 02:30 PM

Whatever you do DO NOT sneak him his pills. That is terrible advice, from a teen I am sure. It can be dangerous to you if you do that and he is in one of his unstable moments.

Time for tough love. He does not have a choice, he gets a job AND takes his meds, OR he finds somewhere else to live. No IFs, ANDs or BUTs about it!!

SpawnOfAzazel · Aug 1, 2007, 02:34 PM

I have to agree with the other posts on this thread, tough love is definitely in order.
Since he is over 18 and therefore an adult, he is no longer your responsibility. He does nothing to help himself, so why should you feel obligated to help him?
He needs to be on his own to learn responsibility, a lesson learned the hard way. If he causes any destruction to the house, call the police.
Allowing him to stay at home is an act of reinforcing his behavior and it will continue unless you take a stand and let him no in no uncertain terms that you will no longer put up with it, and you shouldn't have to.

imxinxonxit · Aug 3, 2007, 07:09 PM

I know your pain! My son did the same thing.It got to the point that he was ruling the house.We were all afraid of him. I ended up taking him to a mental health unit. He hasn't come home yet.Its been a month.I think he is getting the big picture.we love him enough to know what he needs now, but it took along time to get to this point.

O_Troubles · Aug 3, 2007, 07:29 PM

Thing is too if you're a softy and you can't handle the right away you have one week try smaller steps. Get a job or you have to buy your own food, do your laundry or I won't things to help him along it all depends on you aand your son if he procrastinates too he might think you bluffing and if you were to kick him out he might have to turn to other things to help him which are not good talk to a councler or ask him to if he won't small steps or bigs ones are the key.

spilihp · Mar 3, 2008, 10:33 PM

Sorry, but I can't in all good conscious agree with a lot of what has been given here in the way of advice. Tough love is not the answer for someone who has clinical depression. Remember that clinical depression is a pervasive medical condition and it is NOT the same as just being in a bad mood, so please don't listen to anyone who says something like "in a way, everyone's depressed". If you do even a little of research, you begin to understand that telling someone to "get a job" and "get over it" makes as much sense as telling a diabetic to "just stop complaining and get on with producing insulin". If they are clinically depressed, they simply may be unable to make those decisions on their own. Their reality is not yours. Kicking him out to fend for himself if he doesn't change is not the answer (though keeping him in the house may not be possible either) and it could be dangerous for him. Remember that the vast majority of homeless people as well as inmates in prisons have been shown to have clinical depression. An alternate living arrangement has got to be considered, and there are places to go for advice on this as well. You could start with some government agencies where you live. Of course, I don't know the details of your son's case. He may be just a spoiled little pain the , I don't know. But if you're beginning this post telling us that your son suffers from depression and won't take his meds, then you obviously have some information that we don't have. If he does have clinical depression, there are a lot better sources of information for you than you will find on this site. Here is one: NIMH · Depression · Complete Publication
This is not an easy thing to live through. There are also support groups. I'm sure that you have looked into a lot of this, and it's tough for you. Please hang in there. Your son will have to come to the conclusion on his own that he no longer wants to be the way he is and only then will he make some changes. The sleeplessness and the anger are not uncommon for people with depression and those are both very difficult to deal with. To the others who wrote about tough love, think about it for a second: Do you really think that anyone would WANT to be angry all the time? Do you really think that anyone would WANT to not be able to sleep at night? Do you think that anyone would WANT to lay in bed all day and not come out of their room because they don't want to face the world? Do you really think that anyone would CHOOSE to be this way instead of being a happy, well-adjusted, functional person? It's silly to think that, and it's way too easy to say "shape up or ship out" to someone who is difficult to be around - especially when they're not YOUR son. Saying those things simply doesn't help the situation, though it will give you relief in the short term. People with depression are not nice people to be around but they need us. Keep on looking for help. Don't quit on your son. He needs you. Set limits. Get backup from others. Keep on trying. You may be his only hope.

DMA · Mar 4, 2008, 05:21 AM

I think your son needs your help. If he is feeling self destructive then he shouldn't be thrown out because he may do something stupid like try to hospitalize himself to force other people to take care of him. If he is struggling to cope with life I think he needs you to show him how to deal with things better. Ask if he wants to live like this forever. Don't try and force him to take his meds or force him to see a counselor - having no control over things that are happening is very stressful and will make the situation worse as he is clearly unable to deal with things effectively.