[Ginike]

Hi,

I've never asked a question online before, but I am going out of my mind obsessively trying to figure out how to deal with a friend of mine. I'm 32, we've been friends since we were 16. We were roommates for one year after college and then been pretty much long distance friends since then. She was in my wedding, I am going to be in hers. The thing is, a year ago, she moved to the city where I have been living for seven years. When she initially said she was going to move with her boyfriend, I was excited and thought it would be cool. In the intervening months, I really settled into my job as a teacher, started making art again and my husband and I moved to a nice apartment in an area where there's a lot going on. I am a painter and decided during that time to really focus on making art. I had this gut feeling at the time, that if my friend were to move to the city, she would be unhappy about the schedule that I keep in terms of working and painting, so I had an inkling of what was to come.

Basically, I have lived here for seven years, and between my husband and I and all of our different jobs, we have a growing group of friends. She didn't realize this and seems unhappy anytime I mention doing something with another friend. So, I try not to mention it and make time for her. Having other friends, being married, working and also painting means that if I see people once every week, or every two weeks, if I am lucky. My sister lives in the city and she and my other friends are on this kind of every couple week schedule. It works for us, we're all busy and there's no guilt. My friend will sometimes expect to see me multiple times a week. If she doesn't see me for a couple weeks, she will make comments about how long it's been since we've hung out. I find myself intentionally letting things drag out, or not getting back to her right away to create some space and that makes me feel bad and false.

On top of everything, her fiancé is rather difficult to hang out with. He is much older, drinks a lot and seems to revel in being inappropriate (as in "I'm" her friend he'd most like to sleep with, joking of course!:confused: ) That is really her business, but it affects us in terms of me (and my husband) not relishing the prospect of hanging out with them. It also makes me hesitate to introduce her to some of my other friends. I would introduce just her, but since he is with her, I don't feel comfortable exposing my other friends to his energy;)

The thing is, I am just stuck, because I feel smothered, and when I try to gain a little space, I feel like I'm playing games and she seems to play games back as though she's mad at me. I don't feel comfortable confronting her, because the issues are so big, I mean how do we get around the person she's chosen to spend the rest of her life with? At the same time, I literally go out of my mind every couple months because she will do something hurtful to me and I feel like she's trying to hurt or upset me, maybe because she is carrying around this resentment towards me for not hanging out enough. So, I can't continue to go through this, it's making me really upset. On the other hand, I have known her for most of my adult life and it hurts to think of totally losing her. :mad:

How do I handle this?

[Canada_Sweety]

Confront her... Simply tell her how you feel. And being that you guys have been friends for so long, she should be very understanding.:)

[tpreyer]

It may be time for you guy's to part way's your life has gone in A different direction and it seems like you guy's are becoming frenemies . It's not o.k for A married man to act in such A way it's uncomfortable and could cause problem's, You should confront her because it's inevitable. Don't be afraid you don't owe her anything.