[HeavyHeart]

Here I sit writing this still wondering what happened. I am a single mom who raised her daughter alone, gave her a very nice life complete with saving all her child support for her college fund, bought her a new car at 16, paid her rent for her apt at the university, paid for all her bills, took her grocery shopping every week for food, told her I loved her everyday of her life and truly felt it was a priveledge to have had the opportunity to have raised her. Now I just miss her. She met her current fiancé and since then has connected tightly to her fiancé and father who saw her once a year her entire childhood because he was working overseas and thought a phone call once a week was good enough. I objected to her choice of fiancés due to his uncle being a registered sex offender whom the fiancés family say "Never did anything wrong". Myself being a worker in children's protective services for the state I know better, people don't take pleas if they are innocent. My daughter and her fiancé see him at every holiday (I worry for my future grandchildren being around him), she never comes to see me anymore, I don't even have her new address at the university. She graduated with her B.S. and now is working on her Masters at 22, she told me her father is taking care of her bills which she is splitting with her boyfriend since he has now moved in. My ex husband told me I just need to email her and let it be, well I tried that and wasn't even invited to her graduation, her fiancés mother was though. Every holiday she goes to see her fiancés family and I sit here alone. She is my only child. If I call her she never answers, the phone goes to voicemail and the last time she did answer she said "What do you want?, I am busy but I will give you 5 mins., I was crushed. Even with all the psych in my own degree/line of work I can honestly say I am just heart broken. My daughters fiance controls her so much I can't even take her shopping for shoes without him coming along and telling her what she "Cant" have, this of course infuriates me. I just don't understand how a child can change from being so very independent to being so dependent in 3 years. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

[HeavyHeart]

Thanks Iwillhelp, I have not forced her to do anything. The things I have done for her were done out love and I "Assumed" it was worth the respect parents should be given for doing so. As for making her go to lunch with me, I cant. She won't even answer the cell phone and I have no idea where she living now. My own therapist has said her fiancé has some serious control issues which she will tire of one day, I only hope it isn't after having kids and ending up in divorce court. My therapist also said my daughter is doing all she can to be close to her dad now because she knows she can get any amount of money out of him and her fiancé is very much in favor of that. Her fiancé is a bit older than she is and extremely manipulative and immature, he has said many times he quite fine with staying at home while my daughter supports him. Considering the fact that he is on his fourth university and still hasn't completed his bachelors while working part time at target I think his plan is going very well, my daughter is on her masters. What mother would want to watch her daughter supporting a man who sits at home playing video games at 29?? So I have cut off the funds and since I did so she no longer talks to me. That's it in a nutshell. :)

[HeavyHeart]

I wish I could talk to my ex about this. He is very happy to have any relationship with her at all and lives in another city away from her, he doesn't see what is happening but refuses to rock the boat with her due to having seen what happens (my experience) if he does rock the boat. Also, in the past my ex has repeated conversations to my daughter which were to have remained confidential between us. It really is a catch 22 situation, she appears to be losing her own identity as she becomes more and more enmeshed with him. I know she loves me very much and this is hurting her emotionally, we have always been each others best friend and ally in addition to parent and child. One of my co-workers at CPS who is an old native american man with years of experience in this area said an interesting thing to me, he said "A child's spirit is like a child, you can never catch it by running after it; you must stand still, and, for love, it will soon itself come back".
Do you believe this to be true, should I do nothing and let her try to work through it alone? My fear is I will never see her again.

[emac317]

Well I really wanted to chime in here and give you some of my perspective. I am 22 years old, and my parents have been divorced since I was a small child. While I was growing up- my mother, like you, was AMAZING. She gave me the best life possible, and yet I still was desperate for affection and attention from my father. As a result, I often treated my mother badly and took a lot of my pain out on her. In my family experiences, sometimes you can do everything right- and things still just go wrong. I know it may be hard to consider, but trying less might prove effective. She may have a lot of things going on that you don't know about, but regardless- I feel that there is no legitimate excuse to shut people out.
Sometimes children have been spoiled and provided with all they could need for so long that they forget how to be appreciative. Your daughter knows that you still love her, and I know it may be hard to think of now- but she loves you too. After some time passes, I hope and pray that your daughter will come to her senses and appreciate you for all you have done for her. If that day never comes- you should not feel at fault either. No one should ever feel guilty for loving someone too much (if there is such a thing).

Take things a day at a time. :)

[HeavyHeart]

Thanks very much emac, I know she does love me and this has to be hurting her somewhere in her heart. There is a place inside my own heart that I just have to learn to silence so I don't forget how to love myself as well, this is the hardest part because I know I have to leave her alone. But I know that if she never returns her own guilt will make her life miserable and I just don't want her to be unhappy, ever. I just can't fix anything it appears, it has to fix itself, somehow. God and I have had some pretty hair raising conversations lately... :)

[HeavyHeart]

Mario, thanks for your reply. Yes she is depending on someone else, two someone else's, her father and boyfriend. I had thought she would want to be independent following the university but she has chosen to be dependent instead. I don't understand why because we had a plan established to wean her off the funds gradually as she became more self sufficient. My best friend has said the same thing you said Mario, she has known my daughter many years. But what to do now? She won't even talk to me, I have no idea where she is living and she only lives 30 minutes. Away from me.

[Mario3]

I can't understand this story. Is this all there is too it? It doesn't make much sense that you are totally innocent (and that is what you're saying). If you want your daughter back, you might as well be totally honest with us so we can help you fully. If you tell us everything we'll be able to give you better advice. I want you to get her out of her back from her father's neon clutches

[bushg]

I can see the daughter turning from you and just being with her father. It's not fair but I can see how it is happening. She may have tried to put the blame on you all of these years for why he had little contact with her. After all, it was mentally easier for her to say my mom is mean! Rather than say something has to be wrong with me, for my dad to stay so far away. Also , most girls that have fathers that are not there for them end up with abusive men. No he may not hit her, but he can abuse her in other ways. Women that have been neglected by their fathers usually end up with someone with an emotional handicap. That is the type of man that they are familiar with, and that is what they are drawn to. Can you do anything about it ? No, esp. if she refuses to talk to you, but you can continue to send her birthday cards, thinking of you notes, and leave voice mails to let her know you still care. Now for the money. I feel if I had saved money for my daughter to use, then it is my daughters money regardless of how I feel about what she is doing, or whom she is living with. You saved this for her education and I think you should give it to her for her education. Maybe not hand the money to her but pay for her tuition, supplies etc... like you were before. I believe in time she will come around, the newness of dad will wear off, believe me she is bitter at him, The boyfriend will get on her nerves esp. if she is an achiever and he is a slacker. As for the perve uncle, don't worry until you hear she is pregnant. Hopefully if her relationship goes that far the perve will be in jail by then. It is only a matter of time before the perve strikes again. He will be more confident since he thinks aw no jail time I can do as I please. Just hang in there things will all work out. From one mother to another I know you are crushed and my heart goes out to you.

[AKaeTrue]

My mother disagreed with a lot of the things I did as a young adult.
She told me her opinions and her worries, yet stood by my side without criticizing me for proceeding on with the choices I made.
I believe this was was her way of still remaining close to me so that I wouldn't shut her out and she could be there to catch me if I were to fall.

My suggestion to you would be to respect the choices your adult daughter is making.
Leave her a message that you will stand beside her with her decisions even though you don't agree with them.
Make it clear that you won't interfere with her choices.

It appears that she is going to be with whom she wants to be with no matter what your opinion is,
So the best way to restore your relationship with her would be to stand by her in her decisions and be there to catch her if she is to fall.

It may even work out that they visit both you and his parents during holidays and begin inviting you to special occasions
If she feels more comfortable that there will be no trouble or complications due to your dislike of her fiancé and his family.

This is what worked for my mother and I, so it is just a suggestion.
You are without a doubt entitled to your opinions, but if she is shutting you out do to this fact and you want to maintain a relationship with her,
Standing by her no matter her decisions and choices may be your only solution.

[HeavyHeart]

Mario, believe it or not the only thing I have done is voice my opinion of her boyfriend and his family being in denial about the sex offender uncle. That is the issue, I am not allowed to have an opinion and retain her relationship, I have been asked to forgo my own beliefs to have my daughter. That I will "Not" do. I will sacrifice many things for daughter but never my principles. As a children's protective services worker (DHS) I am not only bound by an oath to the state but to a higher power and my own conscience. If anything should happen to my future grandchildren at the hands of her fiancés uncle, then my daughter would say "Why didnt you advise me, your expert here mom". So I am truly in a catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't. But Mario, would you be happy with your daughter marrying into a family with a child molester? especially when the family is denial that he is at fault? Child molesters recitivism rate is exhorbitant, they are repeat offenders and those who take a plea do not do so because they are innocent. Now, couple that with the fact that my future grandchildren would be around this offender regularly. How would you feel? So I will stand on my principles, I have seen enough victimized children in the system whose parents thought "Uncle Eddy" wasn't guilty. I had to say no when it came to my principles.

[HeavyHeart]

Almost forgot, there is one more problem. My daughter intends to marry her fiancé this next year and invite the child molesting uncle. My spouse who works for the dept. of corrections and myself cannot go to her wedding due to our employment if he is there. Under contract with the state we are not allowed to socialize with registered sex offenders so I asked her not to invite the uncle but she decided that her fiancés families wishes were more important, so there is all of it, the whole story. Oh yes, her father gave her his blessings for the entire affair. Sometimes I wonder what state of insanity I was in when I married him... oh well... at least he is balding now... :)

[jazyjones]

Hi, my name is Jasmine and I was in a situation similar to yours. It was me and my mom when I was younger, living in a 2 bedroom apartment. My dad left us for another woman and my mom got sick of it just being me and her so she found her a boyfriend. And days they would just go and leave me at home alone until mid-night or later. She would go shopping with him every day and some days she forgot I was even there. Then my mom decided she was spending too much time with him so she needed a break. He did not let her do anything. When we wouldn't have nothing in the house to eat he'll take it from her and say we need more important stuff like brakes on his car or him some new shoes. I was fed up so I told my mom to break it off and when she did he soon got abusive. So I am writing you to let you know that your daughter is grown now! Every mom still sees their child as there baby but just talk to the fiancée and tell him she needs some space to breath, take her to a spa or a weekend getaway and spend some time alone just you and her. And if he dosen't say oh well and if he tries to backfire at your daughter and say who are you going to choose me or your mother be very confident that she'll choose u. If she dosen't it'll be a lesson to learn but 100% shell choose YOU!!

[HeavyHeart]

Jazy, I already tried that at christmas, just to take her shopping, he insisted on coming along and she wasn't "allowed" to choose her own gifts (clothes/shoes), he chose them for her and when I objected he told her it was time to leave. So I sat there with the gifts under my tree last year with no one to give them to... I tried, very much so to show him how important it was for her to be her own person within the relationship. He told me to mind my own business and that she doesn't need me being a meddling mother, that she has her own life with him and he knows what is best for her, I looked at her and she just looked down at the ground and got in the car and left. I went home and cried for days. Still do... :(

[AKaeTrue]

This is very heartbreaking I must admit.
The uncle is a registered sex offender by his own doings or not.
Plus he is just an "uncle".
The right thing (morally speaking) would be for him to sit out for the wedding so that the PARENTS,
Who are bound by law not to come into contact with him,
Can attend the wedding.

I can see your frustrations and I'm very sorry for the situation.
Please be strong throughout this ordeal.
My thoughts are with you.

[HeavyHeart]

Kae, thanks for understanding. I know its hard on here to get a good idea of the whole situation, its even harder when you know in your heart you haven't done anything to deserve it. That's the hardest part, wondering "Why", why me? I am giving this one to God because I am not able to change anything which is very frustrating for a child welfare worker. Its in Gods ballpark and I am a woman of tremendous faith. Now... if I could just figure out Gods timetable... :)