[kimmetz]

Hi, I have been married for 4 1/2 yrs. We have been together for 6 1/2 yrs. It's a long story as to how we came to be, but I thought I had found the "one", and I still feel that way. I still get the "weak in the knees' feeling from him and i love him more than i have ever loved anyone( i was married before for 11 yrs). My husband has lied to me on several occasions. He lied about getting in trouble in the military(while we were married). He lied about quiting his job after the military. It wasnt just a lie then, it was the extent he went through. He didnt give a notice and I thought he owed that to his boss since it was someone he had known for awhile. And he pretended a conversation on the phone, a long conversation and then I found out( i looked at phone bill) that he hadnt been talking to anyone the entire time, this was a couple of years ago. He supposedly quit smoking about a 1 1/2 ago. I do believe he did for awhile, but recently I could smell it on him and I just assumed it was a guy from work he rides with even though i was uneasy about it. I have asked him on numerous occasions and he says, I promise i will tell you if i ever smoke. I promise. Before I knew him he did a few drugs with his friends, I never knew this side to him. He has constantly told him he would not ever do that ,because he knows that would be the one reason I could lose my kids( 4 from first marriage). He knows this. But time again says no way would he do this. I am a very insecure person ,but do get "sixth sense" sometimes, like women do, maybe not always right but still. And the other night I Had this feeling, and kept telling myself I needed to trust him more, he's always harping on why I don't. I hate lies. Its so hard to build trust when you are lied to. When I got home late one night, I had this urge to check his car( my insecurity) and in his glove box were a box of cigerettes with a small thing of pot. OMG! I went inside , turned the bedroom light on and confronted him, yes woke him right up and told him to explain this to me. I was so devastated, of course broke the cigs and flushed the other right in front of him. I even through something at him I was so mad. I feel like I have given him so much love and he is stomping it into the ground. He said he's only done it 3 or 4 times, but how do I know, when I asked him, he said that's how many, but not only did he do it, he was driving. The anger inside is so built up. I am so scared to be without him, because I really have felt like he's the one. He took off work that day , he was scared I wouldn't be here when he got home. The thought has crossed my mind. I don't know what to do. How many lies are enough. I told him that he is not a bad person, he's made some bad choices we all have, and I know he is a good person. I just don't know if he does. We have been under a lot of stress with ex husband. Please some advise someone before I lose it. Thanks

[Haxzor50]

Lol...

You actually have a NORMAL marriage, MOST people go thrugh trials and trepedations, you won't loose him... but about the pot thing... at least he's not doing cocaine, oor any other kind of drug... Pot really isn't that bad, I don't recommend it for him lol... but it IS something you can stop early... its about the only drug... but you have to remember he isn't a 13 year old boy... he can make his own choices...

The cigarettes... A wife needs to be supportive, maybe he's stressed... pot and cigs are things people do when their stressed, does he drink?

Just be supportive of him for a while, don't get mad, ask him less questions... he will eventually tell you everything you need to know... How much do you get mad at him?
Is his job stressful?
Do the kids act up?

These are all things that will help you notice if your husband is stressed out...

[bushg]

Your husband seems just as insecure as you do. 1. He is lying because he fears losing you.2. He avoids confrontation. Some people would rather lie than fight and argue. It is a bad relationship when a person can not be them true selves around their partner and have to hide anything that disappoints the other. He has the right to be the person that he wants to be and the same goes for you. If you can not accept each others strengths and weakness then what is the point. No one needs to live with a dictator. You have four children why do you want another one. Let him be a man and live and learn right from wrong. I know that you are trying to make him do what is right and responsible, but apparently, it is not working so you have to come up with something different. Try counseling if he will not go, then go alone, get some understanding of what is going on inside you. I bet no matter what he chooses you will be OK.

[JoeCanada76]

In a marriage there needs to be compromise. Does not sound like there is much leeway.

If he choses to smoke, that is his decision. Obviouly he feels the need to hide it from you because you over react. He is afraid of how your going to react. At the same time. He needs to learn how to open up to you and you need to learn how to relax and calm down. Everybody has choices in their life and instead of looking down on him and acting like his mother, maybe a different approach is important. There is no reason to lose out on a marriage because of smokes and quitting a job.

I also recommend that counseling is sought out. Little issues add up to make bigger ones. As the above answer said you are both insecure.

He needs to not be so pressured to change. He needs to feel that he can open up to you. You can not change him. You need to stop trying. You need to let him make his own decision to quit smoking , etc.

If you want this love to last, you both need to open up the lines of communication.

Hoping the best for you and your husband.

Joe

[Dennis777]

Hello.

Sending you a Great Big Hug... Now sit back and relax.

Im not going to try to tell you that what he has lied about is so small in the world of other things people lie about.

Im not going to tel you that you might be pushing him so hard because your scared that in reality you are pushing him to do things you don't want him to do.

Im not going to tell you that a HUg and a Kiss before you asked him about what you found would do more then anything yelling and screaming you can do.

What we can talk about is getting the stress out of the relationship so you both can relax and deal with the problems. Remember the problems might be huge to you BUT they are very small problems compared...

I bet if you spent the energy you use thinking about what he is doing wrong and use it to find ways to enjoy each other, your relationship would be so strong.

So go give him the bigest hug you can and tell him how much you Love him. If the kids are out of the room Maybe give him something to think about for later hehehe...

Good Luck
Dennis777

[kimmetz]

I know I overreact a lot. But he used to do a lot of drugs before I met him, but I don't know the person he was back then because he has not done these things, which yes I do applaud him for being able to quit these things. All of the advice was very helpful, Do I not need to look at this last thing as " Is he not concerned enough about me losing my children because of this?" I do not want to act like his mother and I know sometimes I can be hard to deal with and yes I do need to not " look " so hard or ask questions, I guess I have been so scared of getting hurt that I just expect it and so when I find something that it hurts even more. Thanks to all responses, just found this site and you have all been helpful. I need to just be more supportive.

[talaniman]

I think you have a fairly decent fellow who is scared to be in conflict with you, because of your overreacting, and you should really tone it down, and be more approachable. Counseling may be a very good idea, to guide you through the process of trusting each other, and communicating on an adult level. He needs help and support with his issues, not confrontation and physical abuse. As do you. Good luck.

[brittany_razorblade]

Well. Lies are very bad in a relationship.
You have to tell yourself when is enough.
Maybe you should go to counseling to get your feelings across to him.
And if that still doesn't work and the lies keep building your going to have to say enough I know its hard but there could be some serious things he could be hiding and you will never know unless you can get him to tell you.