[endless8infinity]

I'm really not sure where to start. He works with his father full time as a tile layer and I understand that. However, he thinks I need to always clean... he rarely cleans up after himself or throws anything away, the house gets so messy so fast that I can barely keep up physically speaking. He complains that I don't work... a valid point, however I start nursing school in less than 2 months so we can make more money in the long run. Another big thing is he is CONSTANTLY on the computer. By the way, I DO talk to him about these things and have for a long time. His usual response is suddenly yelling, criticizing my own shortcomings, cussing at me uncontrollably, or threatening to kill himself. The rare times he agrees he needs to change fall short of actions. I am at my breaking point and I do tell him. I am an emotional person and fall into depression easily so it is very hard for me to communicate my problems with someone who threatens to kill himself, yells violently and cusses, or retaliates by criticizing me. I tell him we NEED to spend more time together... every day. He is addicted to the computer and plays video games every day after work. Another issue is that there are things he made me do that made me uncomfortable and when I talk to him about this, he avoids it. I want to cry every day. I do not know what to do. A marriage will die without the basic foundation of communication, and I know I try to communicate. What can I do?

[Clough]

It does sound like you the both of you need to get to a marriage counselor. If he won't, maybe you can. He definitely needs some professional help to get over the compulsive behavior of being on the computer so much and for the way that he is treating you. You deserve better treatment from him other than what you are getting now.

Get your support system together for you. And, I do mean for you - family, friends, people from your church, if you attend one, etc.

[endless8infinity]

It does sound like you the both of you need to get to a marriage counselor. If he won't, maybe you can. He definitely needs some professional help to get over the compulsive behavior of being on the computer so much and for the way that he is treating you. You deserve better treatment from him other than what you are getting now.

Get your support system together for you. And, I do mean for you - family, friends, people from your church, if you attend one, etc.

That is good advice. But money is short and I need money for nursing school. My friends have failed me in the past few months. My parents are divorcing and mom and dad don't talk to me often which is a huge change. I do have a good relationship with my mother-in-law. Other than that... I have nobody. I agree about counseling, but I don't know how to pay for it. We don't have health insurance (hopefully I can get some if I receive this scholarship for nursing I am applying for). Ironically, my mother is a psychiatrist but emotionally abandoned me since her separation and involvement with another man before her divorce.

P.S. I truly don't mind going through problems. It happens in every relationship. But the least I need is to be able to be communicated with in a respectful, normal manner. I also don't want to feel alone because of his addiction. I no longer feel close to him which I hate.

[Clough]

I realize that you do have a really full plate in your life right now.

Perhaps there is a support group for women in your vicinity that you could join. Wouldn't necessarily have to go every week.

A lot of mental health places operate on a sliding fee scale. You may only have to pay very little or nothing at all. You could call around and check them out.

I know that you have tried communicating with your husband. I think that you might need some different ways to convey the message to him about stopping his behavior and taking care of your marriage. People do get in a rut and "play the same tapes" over and over in relationships. One of the people "playing a different tape" can help the other person to think more about what has been communicated without responding in the same old ways.

There is a book called "Winning Without Intimidation." It is an excellent book for getting your way without intimidating or using ways that might upset the other person. I highly recommend it. It is a short read but big on information. It is available in local bookstores and you can read about it and maybe purchase it through the following sites: Winning Without Intimidation Ezine Winning Without Intimidation: The Art of Positive Persuasion