[Sandstorm99]

Sitting around thinking isn't helping me much so I bring my story and ask for any advice possible. Maybe I'm looing at all this the wrong way.

So me and my girlfriend were together for 4 years. I'm 30 and she is 24. We were friends for the first 1 year which was a little more than friends, some kissing and no sex. The next 3 years we were together. We had small disagreements from time to time. I had some jealousy issues throughout all this because of the nasty cheaters I dated in the past. It was very difficult for me to control. And at times she even started acting jealous about all sorts of things like I was. She understood and brushed it off when I acted in this way but I do know it bothered her. We had broken up like 2 times before but that only lasted about 2 days. For the last year we lived together and things went better than I thought. I was her first serious boyfriend she had ever had and she was like my 12th girlfriend or something. So I had something to compare her too and this was the girl for me, I just knew it. But as time went on of us living together I started to slack off and didn't cuddle with her like we used to. I had kind of quit doing all the cute things I had done before, I think I took her for granted. She even mentioned a few times that she was unhappy and didn't think we should live together before marriage. I wasn't taking her very serious when she complained. We even had a few fights before the breakup where I broke a few things and I think it really turned her off.

So she went on a 1 week trip for school and I had noticed she wasn't acting like she used to. She wasn't worried about what I did anymore and who I hung out with. It was almost like she never asked how work was and what I did. She used to have a touch of jealousy but it wasn't showing anymore. She returned from the trip and I started to go back to the real me and was treating her how she deserved to be treated. She even started to think I cheated on her because of how much I had changed, I guess I was being too good to her. So this went on for another 3 weeks. I saw her everyday and knew she wasn't doing anything behind my back. I just couldn't take it anymore. I eventually told her I hate this relationship and that I'm sick of trying and she wasn't doing anything. The next day she came to me and said we need a break. She said she needed to be alone and see if that fixes our relationship. I didn't agree with this but I couldnt' force her. Before the break she said she didn't know what she should do and I told her the break wasn't a good idea but to do whatever she wants. So she took the break which was supposed to be two weeks. I was preparing myself for the break up, I'm a pesimist at heart. Now was the time to shed all my tears in secrecy. I kept tabs on what she was doing without contacting her and she was actually taking time to herself. I had confirmation she wasn't talking to or seeing anyone else but I had to dig deep to find this out because I was worried she was seeing someone else but in reality she wasn't. So this break was really for her to see if she missed me. Kind of stupid because her school trip should have been confirmation enough.

About 9 days into the break she said we needed to talk. This is when she came and told me she wanted to break up with tears in her eyes. She really didn't want to do this but I actually didn't shed any tears because I prepared myself for this during the break. I was being careful to act in the proper way because I didn't want her to think I was some kind of wimp. Who would want to come back to a wimp? I told her it wasn't a horrible idea but she can do whatever her heart feels. This is when she said she actually didn't miss me that much when she went on the trip and it kind of scared her. She said she loves me like no other but is not in love with me. If that makes any sense. She even mentioned some of the things I did wrong such as acting like her dad about managing $ and my trust issues that turned her off. She said she started falling out of love the last time I got mad and broke something. I never in any way laid a hand on her but a few times I broke things. Apologizing and telling her how much I love her wouldn't do any good at this point. I told her that I couldn't be her friend so we will lose contact. I asked if there were any other reasons and she said she was depressed for some reason. Tears came to her eyes when I asked why she was depressed. She said her new internship sucks and doesn't know what her future will be. She even asked me before If I would move if she found a new job in another city. I told her probably not at the time and she mentioned this as one of many factors in her break up decision.

We met up again the next day because she said there was more she had to tell me. We went out to eat and she said that who knows maybe we would get back together in like 6 months or something. I don't think she said this to keep me waiting but why would she say this. She said she didn't want me to wait around and that she needs to figure out what she is going to do with her future. She kept shifting stories to different places she was going to move and she sounded extremely confused. She even said she hates everyone here and she justs wants to get away. She said she is depressed about her job and evertime I asked her why she didn't tell me this before she would cry. Just saying the word depressed would bring tears to her eyes. And to top it off she said she didn't have the same feelings as she used to towards me. So I guess this has been on her mind for a little longer than I thought and she didn't know how to break up with me. For months she was telling me "I love you" many times per day while maybe thinking she wanted to break up. Doesn't make sense. I told her that I wished she changed her mind but she said our breakups before only lasted a day or two but not this time. I wrote her a long letter about how I felt about her all that time and told her all the things I'd do to make things like they were before, or how I would change. She thought my latest kindness was just an act and would fade. Kind of a stupid idea on my part but the note did say that if she came and moved her stuff out then I would walk away and never look back. And that I couldn't be friends and allow her to string me along. I told her that I'd see her in the next life when she left, she turned and said you can't say that, you don't know what might happen. She got home that night and read the letter. Her text message said thank you for the letter it was very nice however she still needed time to herself, thanks for the gesture. This is when I began no contact for 5 days to give her more space. She came and moved her stuff out and asked if I not be there because it would be too hard on her and she didn't want me to see her crying. Her and her girlfriend moved out her clothes. I ignored all her messages and just kept the door open for her. My neighbor told me that her and a girl moved stuff out. I didn't think I should have been there either. And it wasn't a huge move because it was basically clothes, that is all she had, took them an hour.

So 5 days went by and she tried to text me about something insignificant but she admitted that she knew she wasn't supposed to talk to me. So the next day I decided to see how the 5 days of no contact have changed things. I called her and asked her to go out to eat and she agreed. I was very surprised because I didn't think she would want to go. She even called me back shortly after and asked me if it was OK because she didn't want to hurt me and give me the wrong idea. And I said it is not a date, I just wanted to take her out to eat and put a smile on her face becaue she was depressed. This was my opportunity to act like I was happy by myself and I never asked her to get back together. I didn't want her to think I was some sad depressed wimp. We ate and talked about normal things. She is way too busy with the internship during the day she hates and night job. I avoided talking about the relationship but she brought up a few things. I simply agreed with her. There is no winning that war. We hugged and she was on her way. I think it was hard for her to see me. I know it was hard for me

Well now 7 days have went by since the dinner and neither of us have contacted each other. I don't even think I would answer if she did call. I guess she knows she can't contact me because I told her I can't be friends and that wouldn't be fair if I met someone new, yeah right I won't be dating anytime soon. I feel as if I'm waiting on her to contact me and say she misses me and she made a bad decision. I just don't know. What I do know is that no contact for a significant time could make her miss me and make her forget about the small bad things in our relationship. It is making it very hard for me to move on but why would I contact her when she broke my heart and broke up with me. I can't go out and meet a new girl because I miss this girl and she was the best thing I had ever had. It has only been about 2 weeks now since the breakup and 7 days of no contact. Moving on sucks because I feel as if she might change her mind. But she is a very stubborn person and she might be too stubborn to tell me she made a mistake. Plus she even left a few things which she will have to come and get someday.

Advice anyone? I'm lost

[SAB123]

I eventually told her I hate this relationship and that i'm sick of trying and she wasn't doing anything.

I think you answered your own question. If you feel this way now you'll probably feel this way when you get married. I would move on.

[Sandstorm99]

I mainly said that to let her know I wasn't happy and to get a reaction out of her. I never expected her to want to break up. Everything had been going great for about 4 years but the last month before the break up she wasn't acting like herself, I didn't like the last month of the relationship. I felt as if I caused her to act this way because of how I wasn't the same with her for about 8 months, didn't cuddle etc. I guess this was a sign and I should have not said that but it pushed her to start the break and then the break up. And now this where I'm not sure what to do. Most of my relationships were about 1-2 years and I woudn't have stayed with her for 4 years if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is a really good person.

[Sandstorm99]

Anyone have a similar situation? Please help me understand if I should just maintain no contact or what I should do, I'm very confused now.

[emopunk7]

Maintain no contact for 3 months! Leave her alone. She broke up with you and I'm sorry it happened. DO you want to be with someone who doesn't want you the way you want them? She said she isn't in love with you anymore. There is no way you can get that back now. I'm going through something like this except I saw my ex with another guy in a car. We all learn the hard way. I'd say, for your sanity, move on!

[Sandstorm99]

Yeah I don't really have anyone to talk to this about so I came to you all for advice. Thanks for reading my story. Sometimes we get so caught up in our story and are unable to step outside and look at it from a different angle . "she isn't in love anymore" Makes sense, there is nothing I can do to change that. I'll do no contact until I feel normal again. I don't have any desire to be friends with her so I guess no contact until my next life.

Thanks all!

[Jiser]

Its going to be the worst journey of your life most likely! But at the end you will come out stronger. The key is sticking to no contact! If you do not do this... it will all end in tears. Concentrate on yourself for now and what you want.

[Sandstorm99]

Yeah. I trusted her with my heart and she broke it. I couldn't forgive her for that unless she showed up at my house and apologized. Thousands of phone calls won't be enough, I can't accept that.

Another slap in the face is that she gave me a thank you card to give to my parents, brothers and sisters. She wanted to thank them for everything they did and know she cared. My family didn't do anything compared to what I did for her. Where is my thank you card. What a joke!! Just another reason to never pick up that phone.

[clarityseeker]

Hey Sandstorm, I found it hard to read your post because it was so emotionally honest and reminded me in many ways of my own situation, although within only a quarter of your timeframe. In my last conversation with my ex, I got the "I love you but don't know if I'm in love with you" dagger as well. And also, like you, I can relate to having an ex who is likely too stubborn to allow herself to think she made a mistake, let alone admit it. You said it didn't make sense - well, it probably never will, unfortunately. As others like chuff have pointed out, there is never much logic to affairs of the heart. No contact is the only way to go to dampen the emotional pain and confusion that you are no doubt feeling and will feel for some time to come. If she comes back at some point with an unambiguous attempt to reconcile, you can take stock at that point if it's even worth going back, but obviously I wouldn't hold out hope of that scenario even presenting itself. All you can do is nothing. As a testament to the importance of NC while you're trying to get yourself level, let me share that over the long weekend I heard some random chatter about my ex from some drunken friends (not even related to there being someone else in her life) and it hit me hard that night and the next day. But that reinforced why NC is so important, because I imagine that I'm not ready for any direct contact and may never be. I think it is wishful thinking to be friends with someone who abandoned you and didn't think it worth the effort to push forward through the problems that every couple faces while being loyal to you and no one else. Discipline and patience will be key, but just know that things will get better slowly if you stay away.

[Sandstorm99]

Yes clarity. I will have to stay gone. Sorry to hear you went through a similar scenario. How long have you been away from this person and how long has the no contact been lasting. I think my strategy is to just never talk again. I don't want to sit here and count days anymore.

You are very correct. Friends don't leave friends. I cannot and will not be her friend.

[clarityseeker]

[QUOTE=Sandstorm99]I will have to stay gone.QUOTE]

This may sound a bit far-fetched, but I think psychologically you've put it really well in saying you have to "stay gone." Maybe this board should start the SG rule. The problem with saying to yourself "no contact, no contact, no contact" is I think it subtly encourages you to count the days, weeks, months, towards something "happening." While the idea of staying gone is easier to manage in your head. I've been watching a really good show called The Wire, and one of the characters in it philosophized that "Life is what happens while you're waiting for moments that never come." I'm sure that everyone here for quite a while has frequent to occasional fantasies of getting back together with their ex and love blossoming once again, which is one of the more common moments that never come, especially when you consider that almost all of the brief reconciliations you hear about end up failing, because the mutual trust which is so the core of every relationship has been irreparably shattered in most cases. But I guess the message I got out of that is to acknowledge that you'll fantasize about that moment coming, but accept that it almost certainly never will and you'll realize you're better off for it at some point, and then fill the "life" part with things that take the focus off waiting for those highly unlikely moments. I hope those thoughts make some sense.

As for my own situation, haven't seen her in almost 2.5 months, haven't spoken in 2 months, and a few non-helpful emails/notes back and forth since then. You can read my post if you go to my profile.

[Sdjosh]

My situation was a lot like yours. I think the majority of the problem rests on her shoulders. She is going through a ruff patch. She hates her job... she doesn't like where she lives... she is working her butt off. She is depressed.

What I'm trying to say is that just like in my situation... you where the first thing to go because she couldn't deal with you and all her own problems at the same time.

I don't know what advice to give you really. No contact is good. But in my situation, we stayed friends and she has become a happy person after working through her problems. She has asked me to move in with her and be together again after a year. Like your ex... my ex didn't like her job or where we lived. She was depressed. But she knew that she had to take care of her first. I wish that should could have done it with my help but maybe it was something she had to do on her own.

Maybe this will help... maybe not..

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...her-93599.html

[samesame]

Hi Sandstorm,

You sound like you're on the right track and have experience under your belt but it is a tough road nonetheless. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me at the beginning of April this year. We too had been dating for 4 years (I’m 27, she is 32). Our relationship kind of followed the same progression as yours sounds... fights and lack of adequate make-ups over the weeks leading up to the break up. Not to mention she was having her issues as well…not sure where she wanted to go in life with work and she just started her Masters Degree, so we had less time. Anyway, another similar pattern to yours is that we too broke up twice in the past, but then soon got back together. This time I knew it was different though. Well, I respected her wishes and I followed the no contact rule for 2 months playing it cool, and she never contacted me neither. Well, my b-day was in the beginning of June so I decided to inviter her and she came. She stayed with me all night, had her arm around me and even started crying out of the blue (weather she was sad we were apart or missed me, or sad it was the end... I don’t know). But that night I tried to get her back (too bad for me I was drunk... although she was too). I even asked her to marry me but she wouldn't budge. She became a brick wall and rejected my advances over and over….she wouldn’t even kiss me. Over the next 6 weeks, I called her a few times, sent her flowers on her b-day, nice little text messages... we even went out to dinner and had fun, but that was the end of it. Just 2 weeks ago I brought up the relationship again and she said no. She's happy where she is now in life, doing things on her own, becoming a stronger independent woman, and finding her path in life. I tried and tried the last 2 weeks to get her back. Like a sad puppy I would call her and beg for her to come back, but none of it worked. It killed me to see how far she'd moved on the last 3 months. The emotional attachment has faded much. I know she still cares for me and loves me, as I’m sure your ex girlfriend does, but of course that doesn't count for much when you're not together and you’re still “in-love” with her. I don't know.. . I guess what I’m trying to say is that No Contact is the only way to go, even though it's painful. She left you and the only way she's going to come back is on her own. Either that or she will convince herself that she made the right choice or meet someone else, etc. Either way, you have no control and the only thing you can do now is to take care of yourself and make yourself stronger... I'm sure that's what she's doing now too. I know it's much easier to say though than to do... because it really sucks. In my situation I would marry this girl in heartbeat... but... obviously she doesn't feel that way now.

If one day you feel the need to see how she’s doing, just make sure you’re stronger first. Because I wasn’t and after 3-1/2 months of being broken up, it’s like I’m starting all over again at the bottom. Do not do that to yourself. A good friend told me that as many years as you’ve been together it takes in months before you start getting stronger…so 4 years = 4 months….sounds good to me, hope it helps you. If you can, please update me how things are going. Best of luck, cheers!

[Sandstorm99]

Oh boy where am I now? The last two stories have two different outcomes. And it is nearly impossible to find a story that matches your own. SDjosh, I don't know what this depression stuff is all about, I originally thought it was some type of excuse. SameSame, your story brings tears to my eyes because that is exactly what I think is going to happen in my case. I picture having no contact for a little longer and then trying to appear again as a different person(healthier and happy). I've been eating good and working out like crazy. I think in my case she lost her attraction for me. I really let my health go for the last year of the relationship and I didn't give her the attention she deserved. It has been almost 3 weeks of no contact and her mother has started to call me to see how I'm doing. I just act happy and don't ask about my ex. Maybe her mother is just being nice but maybe she is having her mom call to see what I'm up to. Her mother even said that she calls her mom to ask if she talked to me. Her mother really wants to see us back together and her step dad told me that she just wants me to call and tell her I miss her. I think I'll follow a different plan. So after about 3 weeks of no contact I decided to call her yesterday. She hasn't been calling me because I warned her when we broke up that she shouldn't try to string me along. I was surprised how fast she picked up the phone and she sounded kind of excited. She was talking about moving to another state when she graduates in August and trying to find a roommate even though she has debt and is broke. I don't think she could ever move. But she has this runaway mentality to her ever since the break-up. It is as if she is trying to run away from something. We only spoke for about 4 minutes. I said I had to go real quick and kind of left her guessing what I've been up to. We only talked about her mainly. I just wanted to make a quick touch of base to remind her of me. I'm going to contact her in another week 1/2 to go somewhere and talk about her future in general. I'm not going to bring up the relationship or anything like it. I absolutely will not bring up getting back together, that is always a big bad push. I'm hoping the clean slate effect might take place, after this month of no contact. Where we could sort of start over again. But I don't have my hopes up, never really do. I really want to try to get her back, but I also need closure if I sense she isn't leaning back my way.

[Sandstorm99]

SDjosh, I really see how your story is very similar also. I really want to talk to her through all this but I'm terrified of the friendship trap. I can feel that she wants to talk to me and anytime I've called she answered right away. She did say things like "who knows, we may get back together in 6 months" when we broke up but I'm not sure why she would even suggest such a thing. I would only wait if I knew what the future may bring but I'd hate myself if I waited and nothing happened. I had been with so many girls throughout my life, most of them were 1-2 year relationships. This girl really was that once in a lifetime event for me, I was way too happy with her. I feel as if I don't try at least one last time that it will haunt me the rest of my life. I really feel she is too stubborn, and couldn't swallow her pride if she did want to get back together.

[samesame]

I feel 100% the same as you right now…. Regret, wonder…. All that….

But know that that's dangerous territory what you are doing Sandstorm. And as much as you're not going to bring up the relationship (because I didn't for a good 4 weeks after my b-day), eventually you will if she doesn't. She will be friendly to you too of course because she loves you and cares for you, but that can easily get interpreted by you as an open door to get back into her life. I know every situation is different, but just know that the contact could lead things to a bad area... a her believing she can be you friendship area, or her being content that you guys are okay not being together now. Also you are giving her the best of both worlds. She gets to still know about you and be a part of your life without being with you. In the meantime (if you are not successful) you will just be delaying things and torturing yourself... That's what I did. If you guys had a "great relationship" most of the time... passionate, loving, etc, she will never forget you and time is on your side.


I'll keep you posted on my situation and you let me know yours. Maybe one of us can figure out a solution to this dilemma or give hope with a strategy…. Who knows.

I know how it takes over your life though. I'm supposed to be working now and I've done pretty much nothing this last 2 weeks.

[Sandstorm99]

What do you think would have happened if you never asked her to get back together and never mentioned the old relationship? Kind of like starting over again. Think back when you guys first started dating how you were happy and never asked her things like "are we a couple now?", you just let it happen. I know this is going to be very dangerous territory. I dread waking up each day and my dreams at night completely haunt me and cause me to wake up. I'm yet to have a normal nights sleep like the old days. I wake up way before I'm supposed to. I hate the feeling of living by myself without her. I've never been alone my whole life and it is tough to get used to. I just want her to see that I'm happy(not in reality, fake happy) and back to my old self. I had gained a lot of weight in the last year of our relationship and I can maybe see how I was unattractive.

[samesame]

Weight's not going to affect it. Everyone lets himself or herself go a bit in a long-term relationship. I did too. Last time she saw me I looked my best. I exercised every day and barely ate... lost 15 pounds and trimmed up... I even have other girls looking at me and comment. I look my best right now, but that didn't make a difference in the world when she looked at me and said no, it's over. In fact she said keep taking care of yourself and looking hot…. In my brain I was saying “for what... some other girl! I want you!! ”

Nonetheless, it can't hurt; so keep taking care of you. All I'm saying is that it's something in her heart right now that's holding her back and you have no control over... and you can't really convince her or rationalize it to her. She has to realize it on her own…unfortunately that means time/space…weather it's no contact or little contact. Either way she needs to come to that realization herself. And believe it or not, when you are in the picture you stand more of a chance of screwing it up then reminding her what she's missing. She will remember what she is missing on her own. The bad times fade after a bit of time and all they remember is the good times…. It's human nature, because she still loves you and cares for you.

But the way it stands now, there are two routes - the little contact (friendly) and the no contact. I don't know. Like you said you are "not really happy"... so how long can you keep this fake happy up before she realizes it or before you crack and start talking about the relationship and beg her back. I mean look at Sdjosh... it took him a year! I couldn't take that of just being friends/acquaintances... hurts too much for them to call you by your first name or just say bye or see you when they hang up. I thought exactly what you are thinking now and I tried it, and it worked at first but it ended up failing fast. It's a tough call. If you can't help it and want to be around her you're going to need self-control. Keep it say; a max of 1 call, text, or email initiated by you every week or week and a half, tops! And see if and how she reciprocates.

[Sandstorm99]

Yeah I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to finish this stupid plan and the other part of me wants to sit down and actually talk about how she has felt since we haven't been together. I feel like I'm playing games but I do know that if I do what seems right then all of this will be doomed.

I know what you mean about how the whole name thing changes instantly once you break up. Like my first name now instead of babe. And no more "love you bye". Just "take care bye." Even though they supposedly still love you.

[samesame]

Oh it's like a knife in the heart every time you hear it because it reminds you that she's not yours no more... and she knows it too.

But remember that she left you. So you may want to talk about how she's felt since you haven't been together, but if she did she would have initiated it by now... just like she did the break up. If she hasn't it's because she's not ready yet, be it she's confused, or still hurt. Something I've noticed with girls is that they have a fuel tank of tolerance when it comes to fights and things of that nature, and every time you fight they lose some fuel in the tank until there's none left. And at that point the romance and affection for you goes because they are emotionally drained... and that's the danger point. The "I love you but I'm not in-love with you". I don't know your situation exact, but that's what mines led up to so far... the only way to get that back 'that feeling" on her part, I feel is space.

You're still doing good from what it sounds like in the self control department, so hang in there. My advice... if you called her yesterday and kept it short, that's perfect. Now just sit tight and wait for 2 weeks and see if she tries to contact you. Then in 2 weeks decided your next step. You may be thinking differently all together by then. But no matter what, 2 weeks of waiting isn't going to hurt your chances... especially the way you left it... only help.

Best of Luck with whatever you decide.