[samesame]

I'm confused at that to. I think u have to realize when you're being played and when she has interest. The other thing is the contraditory advice I see. People say no contact and they will come back, and then when people post that their ex came back people say to move on. I know moving on is the right choice in many circumstances, but it can't be for all. You can't be blind, deaf and dumb because of stubbornness to what could be a second chance.

[samesame]

That being said you can't let the hope rule your life to only bring you false hope and dissapointment or stagnation. And in a break, space is important.. NC space. All I'm saying is that it's not always black and white when it comes to love/relationships. There is a big grey area, and that's why no one has it figured out.

[Sandstorm99]

I guess I should look back on how this all played out. I contacted her for weeks on end and didn't really get anywhere besides went to some grad parties and nothing really happened. I was her friend and she didn't really ask about my life. Now I'm not contacting her and acting super mysterious. She is texing me now and I'm replying late. I guess take this to the next level and cut contact until she actually tries harder. She has never really had a long period of not talking to me. Like mckenzie has said, she has never been able to feel the void. I also need to heal more and clear my mind.

Just got a few more texts from her today. Saying something about some sandwich I recommended months ago. I only replied to one of them. Yes mckenzie, shoot me. The roles have really reversed here. I have made no attempt at contact and she has been reaching out hoping I will call her. Or maybe she is throwing bisquits.

I was going to mail my cell phone to my uncle for a few months so I could get away from it. Wish I did that now.

SameSame. You were 100% correct about doing absolutely no contact after the 2nd graduation party. Leaving on a high note.

Talaniman,mckenzie. Very correct. I should have backed off and been unavailable.

Well after that 2nd grad party about 1 1/2 weeks went by when I didn't contact her. She had texted me a few times for about 3 days, as I posted about before. Well I was talking with my sister in law on labor day and she said she ran into my ex at her work. Oh brother! She asked my ex why we weren't together etc. I wish my relatives would stay out of my life. The sister in law didn't really know any details about my break up, so she took it on her own to ask my ex. And I should know better than to listen to a sister in law. My sister in law said my ex isn't seeing anyone, and she wants me to make some changes with my trust issues etc. The sister in law told me I'm being too stubborn and my ex really misses me and wants me to chase her. My ex never told my sister in law that she wanted me to chase her, this was an assumption. Sister in law suggested having a serious talk with my ex and lay it on the line. To tell her that I'm moving on if she doesn't want to get back together. Why in the world did I even think that would be a good idea?? Sister in law didn't know about how I've been trying to get back together.

So you guessed it, I called the ex and said I needed to have a serious talk with her. 1 1/2 weeks after that 2nd grad party when I should have done no contact 100%. She said "yes, that is fine. will it be ok when I get off work?" I replied "sure"

So we met up at my place. I just came out and told her I miss her, she replied and said she misses me too. I asked when she missed me the most after we broke up. She told me she missed me the most after the 2nd graduation party. That's right, the 2nd grad party when I should have left on a high note and did absolutely no contact. Why was I even thinking the sister in law had a good plan. I asked my ex how she has been feeling about us and she said for some reason she thinks about the bad things. Arguments we had before etc which were only about 1% of all the things we experienced. I tried explaining to her that the bad things were only a tiny part of all we have experienced. She named some of the bad things and I should have just agreed. But I had to explain why all this happened and back myself up. Such as when I was sick for a year and she was taking way too many hours at school. This was for the last year of our relationship and pushed us to this break up. And times when I got mad and acted out.

I just came out and asked her if we could get back together. She replied with a nice "no". I said I have been waiting and waiting since we broke up and I've been trying and trying. I told her I give up. I'm done trying and I don't care anymore. She said that I never really gave her time to herself, she is correct. The longest we didn't talk was about 2 weeks. I told her that I was trying to be her friend and that it is impossible to be her friend. She said she would only get back together if she was certain.

I asked if she had to see other guys in order to be certain and she said she was concentrating on her career and wasn't even thinking about dating right now. She said she has no idea when she will become certain if we should be together. She said it could take a year and that she doesn't know what is going to happen. And she said she feels bad and doesn't want me waiting around for her. And said that wouldn't be fair for me to wait. She said if you waited and we didn't get back together then that would be very cruel. I asked how she would feel if I had a serious girlfriend and she decided she wants to get back together. She said she would feel horrible and regret letting me go.

I recapped and asked what is the main thing that is keeping us from getting back together. She said she needs to be certain that we are meant for each other. I held her hand while we were standing at the door and told her again that I have tried so hard to make this work, I've changed many things about myself and that I have waited too long. I told her I'm giving up and that I'm losing one of my best friends. She had tears in her eyes which started to roll down her face. I told her that I have officially given up and that I can't be her friend anymore. She said she understands. I finished it by saying that " I'm going to continue to improve myself and i've lost all hope for us, I give up."

I'm done trying

THE END.

[Jiser]

Good!!

[Sandstorm99]

I regret having this needy conversation. I must of seemed so needy and pushed her even further away. I don't think it was good. What I am sure about is that I should have listened to everyone's advice and never had this final conversation.

Now I'm just mad at myself for having such a talk.

[Jiser]

What's done is done. The past is nothing but in your head now. Reality is now. Stick to NC and let the emotional dust settle.

[pinkrazr]

Hi Sandstorm,

I am dealing with the same situation where my ex (bf of 5 years) broke up with me and told me that he isn't in love with me anymore basically out of nowhere. I have reason to believe that he suffers from depression, because of the constant flux of emotion, stress/anxiety, and pushing away those you love. However, unlike your ex, who contacts you, mine refuses to talk to me or maintain any contact with me at all.

Just like you, I value the relationship tremendously and want to give him the time he needs, yet let him know I'm there for him. Looking back on everything that you went through, do you have any advice for me?

Thanks!

[mckenzie134]

Well, you can take as much advice as you want but in the end you will make your own decision. That is the reason why talking to no one and pretending to move on or at least try and be happy and not mention your ex to anyone is a good idea. Cone on mate the problem with discussing the situation with others, especially females!! They don't know the story they are just going off what they think they wuld want a guy to do if they were in the situation. Most girls say I want him to chase me and so fourth when this is not what they really want they ant a man who is in charge and is the winning prize someone they want to chase after. Why should you run after them, there are millions of guys chasing girls be the odd one out have the girl want you thatis how it works. PRIZE PRIZE!!

You're the catch she is losing THE BEST FRIEND!!

Don't listen to people who do not know about relationships , most times people menion thing to say their mums or sisters and they say things like well it wasn't meant to be or she wasn't the one or get her some flowers tell her your sorry!!

WRONG~!! You did nothing wrong except suck up!! If she doesn't want you GOOD ridance she looses and if she is an honest and great girl she will realise this!!

You give total NO contact now no more oping no more listening no more discussingf!! She may now send you a message saying hope you feel OK. ITS OVER MATE!!

[Sandstorm99]

Yes Mckenzie. I saw the sister in law today and told her that what she thought was a good idea was completely idiotic. I must have come across as so needy and helpless to my ex. All of this has probably pushed her even further away. I have no reason to contact her anymore. I said I give up and I mean it, I have finally set my mind free of the urge to keep trying. She left with tears in her eyes and she really has lost her best friend. The best friend that always was there for her no matter what time of the day. The best friend who took her out to eat all the time and paid, the best friend who rubbed her legs, back and bum every night.

Pinkrazr. I always thought I could find a reason but you will never read their mind. Don't even try. My advice is to not call them and disappear. Steer clear of their family and relatives. Act like you don't care and make sure your family members stay the F out of it. Most of us on here speak through experience learned the hard way. I should have listened to all the advice given a few pages back here.

Look at samesame, mckenzies and my stories. Do the opposite

[Jiser]

NC is for the best, if your in communication with the ex is best to get out now. When you do nothing then nothing can be done to make it any worse!

[samesame]

Sounds like progress Sandstorm, but it also sounds like you're running on frustration which is making you stronger now. Be careful for the wiplash/withdrawl that could come after when those feeling subside. You could start questioning what your choices now in a couple of days and fall back into the same mess of heartache and self pity because the realization that she's never coming back sets in. Hopefully it doesn't come to that in your case, but that's what happened to me. Still a rollercoaster. Today I heard some things about her and what she's doing and it's been the worst day since the break up. Stay strong bud and hang in there!

[Sandstorm99]

Well samesame. You were correct about when I should have done absolutely no contact. You see she missed me the most after the 2nd grad party. I found it strange she missed me more after the 2nd party versus right after we broke up. I was calling her all the time up until that party so it didn't make sense. I wish I had listened to you all.

Yes I did get some answers and I have nothing else to try. I regret having the conversation and should have let it be after the 2nd party. The tears in her eyes threw me off because I always thought she was over all of this. I don't call her anymore and she doesn't call me. No more texts, but it is better this way.

I know what you mean about hearing about the ex and having it bother you. I've become rather good friends with my exes cousin and for some reason he thinks there is a better chance than I think. He always says how much respect she has for me and how highly she speaks of me. She told him recently that I was the only one that was always there for her. I'm not going to get my hopes up anymore. He always wants to hang out but I need to disconnect from anyone that is close to her. I'd rather just quit talking to him because eventually my ex will use him to find out what I'm up to. I'd rather not let her know what I am doing and I don't want to know what she is up to.

[samesame]

That's a tough situation you are in with the cousin but you have to take care of yourself now, and the easiest and right way to do it (and I say that lightly because there is nothing easy about any of this), is to cut off anything related/reminding of her. For your own health and well being. Curiousity and your thoughts are hard enough to wrestle without the negative effect of constant reminders. Do it now and start counting the days of progress... day by day, then week, by week, and so on.. . Like I said before it's a long road. I'm 5 - 1/2 months broken up and 2 months of No Contact and overall I am better, but her and this situation still has a huge influence on me. Yesterday when I heard about her I was so nervous I was shaking and useless the entire day. I couldn't believe it. Anyway, it just means more time is needed. If you sincerely loved and cared for this girl (like I did and do mine), from what I hear, I'm guessing 6 months before it starts to really get easier. Unless you meet someone new. But I know with me, I have no serious interest in any other girl right now.

But anyway, forget about the past. What's done is done. Today is a new day and a chance to do things the way you want. Make a plan and stick with it.

Let us know how it goes. All the best!

[talaniman]

Best to limit contact with her cousin for a while.

[Sandstorm99]

Thanks tal. I'll limit my contact with her cousin.

Samesame. Yes things are starting to set in pretty good. Rather bummed out and low for the past few days. I think it has been about 10 days since that serious talk. 10 days of not talking but I'm going to quit counting. I have no reason to call her anymore.

I left this part out from the serious talk night. So when we had that serious talk the one night. She went out to eat with her girls afterwards and I forgot to have her get her bag of pictures. So I had called her that night when I had the serious talk to have her stop by on the way home to get them. Well what did she do. She called me after she passed my exit on the highway and asked if she could get them another day. I was a little aggravated because I didn't want her to have to come get them later down the road. I didn't want to give her a reason to contact me. I felt that the night of the serious talk was the last I'd have to see her. So I could begin 100% no contact to heal.

Well fast forward 10 days up until now. 10 days have gone by with zero contact. I get a text today from her. It is obvious I have a long road ahead of me. Just seeing her name in a text bothered me. I was actually afraid to open the text to see what it said. I opened it and it read "I just remembered that I haven't gotten my pics. Can u leave them on the front porch and i'll get them? I have 2 of ur belts that I'll leave for you."

I was going to completely ignore it but I didn't want to seem like some idiot that wouldn't give her stuff back. I need these things out of my place so I can ignore any attempts at contact. I simply replied with "Do you really need them right now?"
She replied "No. I have to work at 3 and thought I could grab them today. Just let me know when u can put them out please. Thanks."

I've left it here. I didn't reply to the 2nd message and I'm not sure if I want to. I need to get these things to her but I don't want to act like I'm just sitting around my house doing nothing. Which is actually the reality right now. I was thinking of just dropping them off at her moms so I don't have to reply to her anymore. And telling her mom that I was up their way for work and wanted to drop them off. She doesn't live with her mother so I won't have to see her. Does this sound like a good idea? Leave them at her moms and don't even bother texting my ex back? I honestly don't want to even give her the short moment of happiness of stepping in my yard.

[samesame]

I think u might be complicating a simple thing here. Put her stuff in a box and mail it. And/or, just text her and say I'm going to be away or out and your stuff is on the porch, come and pick it up. The end.

[Sandstorm99]

Well I decided to take her stuff to her mothers. That way I don't have a reason to contact(text) her. So I ended up contacting her mom to let her know I'll be up their way and that I have some things to drop off for the ex. The ex doesn't live with her mom but always visits. I just thought I would quickly drop the belongings off and be on my way real quick. Boy was I wrong.

Her mom calls me that day to make sure I'll be there soon and said something about dinner. "dinner?" What was I getting myself into again. I thought I was going to just drop this stuff off but her mom wanted me to have dinner with her and her step dad. I couldn't be rude so I had to eat dinner with them. I even had to take her mom to the pizza shop to pick up the food. I did my best to not ask or talk about my ex but her mom brought up that she doesn't know what her daughter is thinking and that she is making a mistake. I just told her mom that I give up and I don't care anymore. Her mom kept saying how it doesn't make sense that she isn't dating anyone. I told her mom that it is only a matter of time.

This was all a bad idea. I sat with her mom and step dad and ate pizza. They said how my ex said my place was peaceful and that it is annoying at her dad's where she lives. I was doing my best to not ask any questions about the ex. I had to steer the conversation and started asking tons of questions about their lives. Then we talked a little about what I've been up to but I did my best to be vague. She also mentioned that I didn't wish my ex happy birthday a day ago but I told her mom I didn't forget and that we don't really talk anymore so there was no reason to.

Then I find out that my exes grandmother passed away about 6 days before this. Which was about 1 week after my needy conversation with her. Her mother couldn't believe that my ex didn't tell me but my ex told her mom that she didn't want to bother me. So now I know that my exes grandmother has passed away and I'm not sure if I should tell my ex sorry. I did my best to get out of the ex's moms house. For some reason they never tell me that we will get back together and work things out. I guess I'm looking for hope but they might know more than I do. I was there for about 2 hours and they were very sad to see me go. It was very painful being there because her mom had tons of pictures of my ex that were all there staring at me. Very painful.

I got a text from my ex later that night that said "thanks for dropping the stuff off, you didn't have to go out of your way" I didn't want to reply to that statement but now my ex knows that I knew her grandmother passed away. I didn't know what to do. My mom suggested not even saying anything about the grandmother but I felt that death was the only reason I would reply. So I replied and hour later with "very sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hope everything is ok." She replied "thanks."

So here I sit today. Me and the ex don't talk anymore. I haven't initiated one text or phone call with her since about 20 days ago when I had the needy conversation that I still hate myself for. Yeah she has texted me about these darn belongings but I simply tried to avoid texting back and took them to her moms. Only to find out her grandmother passed away. It would bother me I guess to not tell her sorry. So I guess it has been 20 days of no contact, not sure if this light text contact counts. I thought I was getting better but today sucks pretty bad. Trying to keep busy but my motivation is shot. I feel as if I'll never find someone I can trust as I did her and as beautiful and funny as her. I've had many past girlfriends and a lot to compare her to. It feels like she will be very hard to replace and that I won't ever have the same feelings for anyone else again. She kind of messed me up permanantely. Like the thought of her will always haunt me whether sleeping, dating or working in the future.

The tough part about all this is that I don't hate her. It would be much easier if the breakup ended with an argument. I can't convince myself that she isn't the one for me. I can't find any faults with her to make me let go. Yes I have given up trying, I won't be calling her ever again. But I can't find a way to destroy that little bit of hope that sits in the back of my head. Feels like I will never move on. I think it is easier when someone dies because you know for sure they won't be back. This is still the worst feeling I have experienced. That darn hope keeps telling me there will be a part 2.

[talaniman]

Join the club my friend, as we all feel that way. You will have to work hard to have new memories, new friends and new experiences. You have to build a new attitude, with a new out look, and a new perspective. A lot of new stuff I know, and you will still have the old memories, but not as fresh and overwheming as they are now. Quite a challenge if you think about it that way. In time (and a lot of effort) you will get there. For insights check out the links in my signature.

[samesame]

So here I sit today. Me and the ex don't talk anymore. I haven't initiated one text or phone call with her since about 20 days ago when I had the needy conversation that I still hate myself for. Yeah she has texted me about these darn belongings but I simply tried to avoid texting back and took them to her moms. Only to find out her grandmother passed away. It would bother me I guess to not tell her sorry. So I guess it has been 20 days of no contact, not sure if this light text contact counts. I thought I was getting better but today sucks pretty bad. Trying to keep busy but my motivation is shot. I feel as if i'll never find someone I can trust as I did her and as beautiful and funny as her. I've had many past girlfriends and a lot to compare her to. It feels like she will be very hard to replace and that I won't ever have the same feelings for anyone else again. She kind of messed me up permanantely. Like the thought of her will always haunt me whether sleeping, dating or working in the future.

The tough part about all this is that I dont hate her. It would be much easier if the breakup ended with an argument. I can't convince myself that she isn't the one for me. I can't find any faults with her to make me let go. Yes I have given up trying, I won't be calling her ever again. But I can't find a way to destroy that little bit of hope that sits in the back of my head. Feels like I will never move on. I think it is easier when someone dies because you know for sure they won't be back. This is still the worst feeling I have experienced. That darn hope keeps telling me there will be a part 2.

I feel exactly the same way.

[smoothy]

Personally, I've dated women like this in the past... best thing I did was to get up the courage to walk out of their life. Life has enough challenges without drama queens that aren't sure what they want in life. Trust me its familiarity that makes it hard to walk away, we all have experienced it. Easiest thing to do is find another to date and in time you will feel these feelings for her fade. They may never go away completely. You may get lucky and find a woman without her bad qualities. That will make the transition easier.