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nukeplus · Feb 17, 2010, 11:33 PM

We have been together for 3 years and have had a GREAT relationship. Both divorced with 2 boys and her ex lives about 6 hours away, but they always seem to work put making sure he gets his time even though he left her for another woman when her youngest was ONE month old and moved away. Needless to say, it crushed her and caused many trust issues.

The week of xmas she told me she thought she was wasting my time because she wasn't ready to get married and thought I wanted another kid, which I didn't. We already had a trip planned to Gatlinburg 4 days later and a cruise in May that is paid for. We had a GREAT time and see each other basically every day and everything is normal except for the intimacy.

Her youngest child is a handful and she is worried to death about him and he keeps her so stressed out. I have seen the toll it's taken on her, yet she still hasn't put him in counseling. Because we constantly see each other and had such a great time I KNEW she was still in love with me, but obviously there was something she wasn't telling me. I found out that she thought she was pregnant and when she found out she wasn't she said it caused her to re-evaluate everything. I still couldn't get her to tell me what the REAL issue was.

Today we are talking about the cruise as she is getting ready to meet the ex half way to pick up her kids and she said there was something she needed to tell me that no one else knows yet and of course my mind started spinning. Well, to me it was worse that "hey I met someone else." It was I have decided to move to where their dad lives because she thinks they need to be closer to him and she needs more breaks. I was speechless. While we've been officially broken up since xmas I knew she had feelings for me but was under so much stress so let it be and things would work out.

She said she plans to move June 1st and I spent about 2 hours telling her how much I want to be that "help" and how much I love her and her 2 children. I suggested focusing on getting the little guy help and as that begins to work things will get easier. She also knows I would marry her tomorrow.

She seems to have made up her mind and I know it has nothing to do with trying to get back with ex (he has new born on way) and know she loves me to death. It also explains why she pulled away sexually.

My thoughts, aside from trying to convince her not to move (although being a dad I can't argue with putting the kids first) is lets enjoy these last few months. Either way, I love her and will be hurt now and once she moves. She wants to stay friends, but nothing more I think to make it easier on her.

I guess I am just looking for advice. I want to do the cruise and she will go. But do I start pulling away? I can't leave and move because of my twin 6 year olds. Just a sad situation

Alty · Feb 17, 2010, 11:45 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Here's my take on it after reading your post. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion and it's an opinion based on your side of the story. There's always two sides and it's hard to give advice when you only hear one. Anyway, here's my opinion.

I think she does love you but she's thinking about her kids. You said the younger one is a handful, how much do you help her with the children? Are you hands on or are you two just dating and the kids are largely absent during this time?

The kids have a father they don't see much and she's obviously stressed out because of her younger son. She needs help and the best person to help with the children is their father.

I agree that she's not romantically involved with him but, until the day they die they are connected by those two kids.

She's probably hoping she'll get some support for the kids (not financial) and she's hoping that this will help the kids in the long run. Having access to their father will help them emotionally. It is important, you already know that.

The fact that she's pulling away from you tells me that she's torn. She knows she has to do this, it's a good decision for her children, but she wants you as well, knowing she can't have both must be tearing her apart.

Try to be supportive, talk to her, tell her how you feel but also tell her that you understand why she's leaving. Let her know that you love her and that you'd move in a heartbeat if you could but you're in the same boat, you have to think of your kids.

It's always hard when children are involved.

I wish you all the best. I hope that things work out somehow.

nukeplus · Feb 17, 2010, 11:53 PM

Thank you. I am hands on, but I have tried not to over do it simply because I don't want her feeling like I don't think she can handle things. Her kids love me to death. I just hate the idea of her leaving and then on top of that it makes me want to see and be with her all the more since it appears as though time is limited. The kids see their dad quite a bit - all summer, every two weeks, spring break etc, but obviosuly not as much as they would up there. I agree with everything you said and thank you. I guess there is no reason for me to pull away from the current "friends" role because I do love her so much

talaniman · Feb 18, 2010, 05:58 AM

Just like you cannot move because of your kids, she HAS to move because of her kids.

Actually it may do this relationship some good, as you both will have space to deal with your families, and can relax, and support each other better, and keep building the friendship. She will feel better knowing the kids are a lot closer to their dad, and that's a great thing.

Kids come first. You can still date.

nukeplus · Feb 18, 2010, 08:36 AM

We still plan to be friends, but I don't see us dating, since she really broke up back around xmas I just never knew why until now. It's over 7 hours away and there would really be no reason for her to come back here and don't know when I would have time to go there

dynocompe · Feb 18, 2010, 12:09 PM

Well if this news to u, is a horrible bomb! I think you can give yourself the answer! And Run!

Sorry this happened, relationships really suck sometimes!
Look at this site, how many people get hurt over a relationship everyday!
Its almost not worth it anymore in this day and age! There has got to be a better way

dynocompe · Feb 18, 2010, 05:14 PM

Lol

nukeplus · Feb 18, 2010, 10:30 PM

I appreciate all of the insight and welcome more. All of the people that really care about her thinks she is making a huge mistake and that there are other options that could at least be explored. The fact that the only people she will have up there is his family and they ALL have treated her horribly just worries me to death. I am sure her ex has painted a rosy picture on how much easier things will be, but he is truly one of a kind that has screwed her over so so many times and after leaving her over 6 years ago still tries to control her. I really want the best for her and her kids, just no one here that knows the whole story believes this is the answer except for her. If she gets up there and realizes all of this, I don't see her coming back to Mobile and taking the kids away from dad although he left them initially. Thanks again and keep all of us in your prayers.

nukeplus · Feb 18, 2010, 10:36 PM

And maybe I give it some time as we are still going on this cruise together at the beginning of may and talk to her about the possibility of trying a long distance relationship. Guess there is no harm in asking, right? I do agree that know that I've told her my views, which she did listen to, I just need to be supportive and enjoy the next 3 months and not pressure her about her decision anymore. She still hasn't told all of her friends and I KNOW they will all tell her she is crazy. They know the history with regards to the way he lies and manipulates her. Him having the newborn on the way is also going to take up so much of his time, but I guess she has obviously factored this in.