[Tragicintheory]

Hi,
I am on here because I am in a relationship right now that is pretty crazy and moving fast. I am kind of scared about a few things because she's the first girl I have dated with this kind of past and her viewpoints on a lot of things. So if you could help that would be awesome!!

I am 25 she is 26

October of 2006 I met her and we hit it off right away. She had just got out of a 6
year abusive marriage and has a 6 year old daughter from it. We had slept together twice but it never really went anywhere because I was moving to Ohio in December. We kept in touch through email every now and then. Well Ohio went way sour for me and I was going to move back. She offered me to stay at her place for awhile till I got situated. Well I did and we hit it off again. So now we have been living together for about 3 months. 2 of those months I had no job, no money and she supported me waiting for this job I was interviewing for to make me an offer. She only works part time as a bartender so it wasn't an easy thing to do. That job I was waiting for finally made me an offer and now I am working and it's a great job 80k a year and great benefits.

She claims herself as a free-spirit, just taking life however it comes and not worrying about the consequences. She is somewhat of wild child and even though she doesn't party all that much when she does she parties hard. She is bi which doesn't bother me but its in the back of my mind. Her past is laced with drinking, drugs, partying and well she would call it free-spiritness. She doesn't do any drugs anymore but does drink often. I don't really care about her past because I have done a lot of the same things in mine but thought you the reader might be able to use as you read my questions.

I really love her a lot, she makes me happy and we have a lot of good times together. But its just like the star quarterback playing the best games of his life as soon as he plays a bad one everyone focuses on that instead of the good.

So now that you have some background let me get to the real issue here.

#1. We were at a bar together with her best friend and her best friends husband. Her friends husband and I went to play some pool over in the corner of the bar. Meanwhile her and her friend are at the bar chatting it with random guys that have approached them, letting them buy them drink and flirt with them. It bothered me but I didn't do anything. Then this one guy bought her a drink and put his arm around the lumbar area of her back right above her butt and she wasn't doing anything about it. So I went up there and calmly tapped the guy on the shoulder and said "that's my girl man you mind not putting your arm around her" The guy got mad but wound up going away. She got mad too! She said that I had no right to do that and that she could take care of herself. She said I had nothing to worry about because she wasn't going to do anything with him or any of other guys who were flirting with her and that I was the one she was going home with at the end of the night. She said it a controlling issue I say it's a respect issue. A couple days later it came back up in conversation and I said "well if we were at a dance club and you were dancing with some dude all over you that it would bother me" and she said "well I would never do that with you there". Meaning that she would let random dudes dance all over her, buy her drinks, and let them flirt with her while I wasn't there I travel a lot with my job, and I am not going to lie it scares me. I asked her if she would still think that way if she was married and she said yes!. To me this whole thing is like dating a stripper that says well I rub my t*ts and p*ssy in guys faces all night but you got nothing to worry about because I am going home with you at the end of the night.


:confused: Am I wrong to think this is a problem?
Should this be something I should be concerned about?
Do other women think this way?

#2. I am insecure as hell about losing her and it shows I become a bit too smothering and it defiantly doesn't help in our relationship. But I am really trying to work on not being that way. I am insecure because I am scared about the way she does things and the way she reacts to things. I am starting to find myself keeping stuff inside because she takes everything so personally and makes mountains out of mole hills. She is insecure too, she thinks that I am too good to be true and that one day I am going to change and become an like her ex. So she is constantly testing me, I think to see if she can get me to be this person like her ex that she thinks I might become.

:confused: Is that normal for her to feel that way because of her abusive marriage?
How should I approach/deal with her in this instance?
How does one work on being less insecure?


#3. I have just put her and her daughter on my health insurance, we have a joint account where my pay gets deposited, my pay is going to be paying all of my bills and hers, we are going to Disney World in July where I want to purpose to her, and we stopped having protected sex because we want to get pregnant. According to some self psych tests I am a dependent person who is a super-achiever and a self-defeater all at the same time(what a combo). When I talk to all of my friends they are telling me to cut my losses now and run because she going to destroy me.

:confused: After all that's been mentioned here do you think that its a good possibility?


I want to take time to thank you for baring with me on this long question/s and I appreciate your advice/answers.


Thank you

[shygrneyzs]

From what you have already sais, I would agree with your friends. Cut your losses now before anything else continues or gets more complicated. Your life with her is already far too complicated.

Look at your own issues here. To recap -

1. She does not object to being the object of a guy's attention - physical attention. She gets upset when you say something to a guy who is clearly moving in on her and she does nothing to stop him. That will continue, even if you get married. Excuse me? That does not fly in too many relationships. She should have thanked the guy for the drink but told him she was with you - that would have ended the flirtations. Not every woman thinks like your girlfriend. Yes, some do, but not the ones I personally know.

2. Your insecurity - you know that this is not going to change once you marry this woman. You worry and while she may not actually do something behind your back, from what you can already tell, she shows little discretion in her behavior. The constant testing of each other HAS to STOP! You both either accept each other and quit waiting for the other shoe to drop, or else the other shoe will drop and then who is going to be hurt?

3. You ask if she feels this way because of her past abusive marriage - it is all possible. She just got out of a 6 year abusive marriage and then you jumped right into her life. She never had time, never gave herself the time, to understand and learn from her marriage. She did not give herself time to heal, time to regenerate. So of course she will have that nagging in the back of her head. If she never got into counseling, she should and could still go. You both could benefit from couples counseling. Get a professional opinion on whether this relationship is workable. It may well be the once in a lifetime relationship but you both are going way tooooooooooooooooooooo fast.

4. You say you stopped having protected sex because you both want a baby. What in the world are you two thinking? A baby? In this mess? A baby is not a toy or some object that you can take back when things get screwed up. A baby requires 24/7 attention and care. Are you going to hire a nanny? Someone responsible as your girlfriend is not, at least not right now. With your state of mind, I do not think you are ready for parenthood either.

I am with your friends on this. They know you best.