[Sadhu7]

Hello

Well this is my first post and it is a biggie...

I have been dating my girlfriend for just over 5 months now. I love her and am falling in love with her more everyday. Recently she wanted to talk about our future... I knew this talk would happen sooner or later.

She asked me 'where do I see this relationship going?'

My response was... 'I would like to marry you someday soon.'

She looked pleased with my answer, we then started to discuss certain topics... like... where would we live? How would we afford to live on our own? Then she asked me a question about my work and home life. She asked if I would leave my job to go somewhere else with better pay. My answer was 'No' I love my job as I work with the community and am helping to make a difference... it's a passion that I've caught from my parents and grand-parents who all worked in the community.

She replied... 'I figured you would say that.' The conversation went silent for a while as I gave her an answer that she expected but there was to her silence.

I then asked her... 'Do you love me?' (I know... very straight forward)

She replied... 'I do love you... I love how you make me feel, the person that you are and everything about you... but... I don't think I'm in love with you!'

I wasn't sure how to responde to her answer... I guess I wasn't expecting her to give that answer. She looked at me and asked me how I felt. I told her that I love her too and that I keep falling in love with her more everyday. That's where me and her differ...

She started to talk about how we were raised... she says that she grew up faster as her parents forced her to be independent at an early age. Where as I (in her opinion) was sheltered by my parents... she started to point out where our lives differed.

She dropped out of school and went right into the work force.
I finished school and went on to university, to graduate with a degree.

She has been in a few relationships over the past 15 years and was once engaged to another guy.
I've only had one other girlfriend in the past 15 years...

She said that because she is older (by five years) that she is more mature (as they say that girls mature faster than boys)
Thou I did responde that I have matured a great deal in the past three years due to family tragedies (i.e. deaths) I also pointed out that her suggesting that she was mature than me was a slap in the face and that her insinuation that I'm not mature enough had no credit. After another moment of silence... then came the kicker...

She said... ' Maybe I'm shallow but I know that right now, you can't provide for our relationship finacially... (which is true at this point right now) also the fact that you won't leave your job knowing that you could get a better job elsewhere is also part of the reason... why I think I'm not in love with you!! '

My response was... 'I know that money is vital to surviving in today's world... that's without saying but I don't think it's the most important thing in a relationship.'

She replied... 'It's no use to try and ask you to change who you are or your job. You have a heart for the community and I know that will never change.' she added... 'I love you and I want to fall in love with you but I don't know how!'

I replied... 'I want you to fall in love with me but I can't make you... so I guess we are at a crossroad!'

We decided to go for a walk afterwards and just held hands and walked in silence. She made a few jokes about things she saw in our walk to lighten the mood, but she knew that I wasn't in the mood. She asked if I was okay to which I replied... 'It hurts to know that I feel this way for you and you don't feel the same way for me.'

She never meant to hurt me was her response... but it happened anyway.

We decided to seek advice from another couple that we both admire and respect and have planned to meet up with them in a few days time.

So I guess, I'm asking for everyone's advice and opinions... what do I do?
I love this woman and I continue to fall in love with her everyday... as I have said earlier.
Can we get past this?
Is loving someone and being 'in love' two totally different things?

Thanks for your time.

[ken007nielsen]

I was going to start with: She's greedy move on, but as I kept reading I cahnged my mind.
I think she does want to spend some time with you, but because you can't provide a secure and financially stable home for the two of you. It's simply too big of an issue for her.

And frankly I don't blame her, I am currently living in a 1-bedroom apartment, with the kitchen/entrance and a toilet - I've got an education that would allow me to buy a house, if only I had a job. I hate it, I really do.
Living everyday being worried if my money is going to last until the end of the month each month. And that's just me!

Now put yourself in her shoes, she's found a man which she loves - she can see herself settling down with you and live the good life BUT he can't support a family financially, and what that might tell her is if she dreams of having children anytime soon - she can forget it!

So I agree, you have indeed come at a crossroad, either you will have to sacrifice the job that you love, or she will have to forsake her dream of a secure stable life, and instead living paycheck to paycheck.

And don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with what you want or what your doing, you love it and it's great and I would advice you to stick to it, but that's your dream. Not hers!

If one of you has to sacrifice something a big as this, either your dream job or her dream a financially secure home. There is going to be some resentment, and you are still only 5 months into this relationship.
You may be compatible, but your dreams is too big of a difference for you two to succeed in this relationship.

I would advise you to sit down, take some pen and paper and discuss what you want in your life, where you see yourself in 5 years time. Don't do it together, insteaad do it separatly. Then you combine the pieces of paper and look at what will you compromise to be with your significant other.

[Sadhu7]

Thanks for your advice. There is information that I should convey that would help to bring some light onto my financial situation but that's a different story. Again... thank you for your time and advice.

[Wondergirl]

I would rather have someone love me than be "in love" with me. Love is an anchor to keep the relationship in one place, a foundation that can be built on, something solid and sturdy that will withstand the hurricanes in life, Love raises children and pays the bills; love gets the couple through each day and helps them slog through the swamp.

"In love" is infatuation, that rush that you get, that thrill, the excitement that may go away or get toned down. Love can have "in love" in it too -- the wave of pleasure that runs through her when she hears his car in the driveway, the warm, I'm-home feeling he gets when looking into her eyes.

After reading your post, it seems to me like, for her, love is more about her and what she wants/needs and not about the two of you as a couple and what you two can accomplish together, loving each other and in love with each other, no matter where you live and what kind of jobs you have.

She's still a single, not part of a couple. She doesn't have that "couple" mentality.

[Sadhu7]

Thank you... that is very insightful!

[talaniman]

Its only been 5 months, way to soon to be worrying about a long future. As the others have said, you two strangers both have different goals, and dreams so far, and I think that's just fine. Gives you something to talk about, if you keep dating, and keep learning.

Be aware though that she has already signaled her long term goals to you, and what she expects of a mate. Don't be offended that she is well down the road in what she is looking for, while you are just starting down your future path.

That happens as neither you nor her has reached that level of reasonable compromise yet, but there seems to be honest communications going on, so the thing is an you build and overcome your differences and move forward? Only time can tell that. I think as long as you keep talking, and working together, there is a chance you can solve your issues so you both can benefit. This is but the first test of that.

Relax, be patient, and keep talking. Just don't make promises you cannot keep, so above all stay honest with her, and especially yourself. She just wants a solid secure future, and you can't blame her for that.

Good Luck!

[Sadhu7]

Thank you for the advice and words of encouragement. It sure has openned up my mind to another side or view of things.

[Sadhu7]

Threads merged



Hey everyone,

Well I asked a question a few months back and thanks to your answers and help from close friends, my partner and I were able to move forward in our relationship. However, like every relationship... we still have some issues. So here I go again... I'll give a bit of a backstory in hope that it will help in some way...

During the past few months, my girlfriend and I have discussed many things... one topic that came up was past relationships. It was a question she initiated (she seems to initiate a lot of them) anyway... we started to talk about our past relationships... well in my case relationship.

Before my current relationship... I have had only one other girlfriend. I was 18 at the time and it lasted just over 8 months. After a messy break up... we have made peace with each other but decide not to keep in touch except for the rare and odd message on Facebook... she is now married with children. I have not been in any relationship since then.

My girlfriend shared about her past relationships. One in particular stood out the most. Her relationship with her now ex-fiance. They were dating for a few years... three at the most and were engaged to be married. There is more to how there relationship came to be but that is not important now... anyway... she told me that she left him because he put his family first and that she would always come second in their relationship. They separated and it was very mature break up. They decided to remain friends and she still has a good friendship with his ex's mother.

Lets jump back to the first month of our relationship... she had made plans to visit her ex's mother prior to our dating. (they live out of town, about a seven hour driveand she was going over to support her during a difficult time) I was okay with it because it was a commitment she had made before we hooked up. However, I told her that I was not comfortable with her being around her ex who also lived in that same town. She told me that I had nothing to worry about. So I took her word.

Since then... his name (the ex) has popped up on a few occasions during conversations. She is still in contact with him... anyway... last night we were at the gym and I invited her over for dinner. She said that she had to go out to a property to see tenents and find out why the missed a payment... I thought it was unusual that she would do this after hours (she works for a property management company) she then explained that the property was her ex fiancés place and that because he did not live in town, he called her and asked her to check it out. She also said that because they have no other family or contacts in this area that he can call, that why he calls her but I am sure that he has family up here. I still don't get it that he is asking her for help and that she is willing to help?
On two separate occasions he has called her when we were together and she has moved away so that I am not near by... he has texted her a number of times when I am around to she tells me that its him and she ignores it... he seems to be the one contacting her... thou I have no idea if she is calling him. I don't think she has... she has said that she has tried to cut him off but because of her friendship with the mother she finds it real hard to cut ties completely, how do you cut tis with person when you are still in contact with another member of that persons family.

Am I over-reacting?

She tells me that I need to put our relationship first but it doesn't feel like she is doing the same if she is willing to help her ex out. What if he rings when we are together and asks her to do her a favour? Am I going to get pushed to the side? I know this is all just hypothetical questions...

I don't mind coming second to her family... but not to her ex and that's how it kind of feels like right now.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[zambers]

I don't think that your over-reacting at all.
You have every right to feel the way that your feeling, no person wants to see their partner speaking
To an ex, I believe that it would bring up uncomfortable feelings when being with your partner.
Not to mention uncomfortable images of the two.

I think you should comfront your partner about how your feeling and speak about the situation.

[Sadhu7]

Thanks for your advice... I was looking to talking to her about it tonight.

[zambers]

That's good :)
I hope all goes well.

[Sadhu7]

Threads merged, since they are about the same relationship.

Maybe this is overkill... two questions in one day.

I know that this is something that people will laugh at but that's not what matters... it's the fact that I haven't told the one person that it matters to the most. My girlfriend!

I am in my late 20's and I am a virgin. Called me old fashioned or out of date but I believe that I would give my virginity to the woman I would marry... that woman being my current girlfriend.

My girlfriend is not a virgin, I knew she wasn't before we were dating... but that doesn't matter.

When she asked me if I was a virgin... (this was a few months ago) I said no. I don't know why I said that... maybe it was my stupid macho ego or some sense of embarrassment but that's what I said... I don't want to lie to her about this one thing... but I'm embarrassed to tell her.

What should I do? How do I tell her?

[Alty]

You have no reason to be embarrassed. In fact, you should be proud that sex isn't something you take lightly. You have your convictions, and that's something to be proud about. :)

Does it matter to you if she thinks you're a virgin? Obviously it does, otherwise you would have told her the truth.

Do you think that telling her the truth now will change your relationship? How close are you? Do you love her? Does she love you?

If telling her the truth really matters to you, you can't go on with the lie, then tell her, and tell her why you lied. Tell her that you were ashamed.

If she really does love you then she'll not only understand, but she'll most likely think it's great that you saved yourself for her.

If you tell her and she runs away (which I don't think she'll do), then she's not the girl for you anyway.

Deep breath, lots of guts, and then tell her the truth. I have a feeling that it will all work out better then you think it will.

Good luck. :)

[Sadhu7]

Thank you!

[talaniman]

Confess your mistake, and be honest about the reason you lied, ASAP!

Then she can decide what she wants to do about it.

Good luck.

Am I over-reacting?

She tells me that I need to put our relationship first but it doesn't feel like she is doing the same if she is willing to help her ex out. What if he rings when we are together and asks her to do her a favour? Am I going to get pushed to the side? I know this is all just hypothetical questions...

I don't mind coming second to her family... but not to her ex and that's how it kind of feels like right now.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

I can understand your concerns, and agree, her relationship with her ex should be explained, and has, so the only question is to ask her of his intentions and hopes and see what she says because she may well know he has attractions still, and is trying to stay close to her, and even though its awfully early in this relationship, being truthful and honest with each other is how trust is built, and adjustments made. She should know how you feel, and YOU should know how she feels.

Maybe this is a one way thing for him, and she is merely being friendly because of his mom and her. Don't get insecure and jealous without facts though. That will put a wedge between you as surely as lying about your virginity.

By the way, starting new questions when they are about the same thing confuses the background and the important facts of your post. Thats why they were merged to get the whole story in one place.