[shyfoxie]

My fiancé and I have been engaged for a couple months now, and we just told his family on the weekend. I wasn't entirely sure what their reaction would be, but so far it seems very positive and supportive.

I am a little nervous about telling my family, though. My mother and I are close, but she wasn't shy in the past about informing me that I will probably have lots of boyfriends to bring home, and that first relationships don't last (she assumed he was my first, but he's just the first I brought home), and that she hopes I'm not in love with him... all of which she told me when he was still in the house. I am just going to forgive her for that and assume it was just because she was used to scaring away my sister's boyfriends (a lot of whom used drugs, were older and 'pushy', or got arrested for stealing trucks). Mike is law-abiding, hard-working, used to volunteer with a church youth group, is always polite and respectful and has a very tight-knit family. I'm almost jealous of him sometimes for being so lucky!

She's always said she's proud of me for being very responsible and "mature" (whatever that means!)in my tweens and teens, and for working my cute little butt off to pay for my first and second years of university all by myself with no debt, and for joining the army reserve and working my little butt of in uniform (I just got promoted!). I just wish I could be sure that she'd generalize those traits to my relationship.

I am probably worried over nothing, and there's at least a decent chance she won't say anything bad, but I don't know how to tell her. We're planning to let her know on Thanksgiving, which is in early October for Canadians. I hope I can let her understand I am under no circumstances getting hitched until I finish my degree (BSc), before he and I can afford it, getting pregnant before we're wed (I am paranoidly careful about birth control) or doing anything else rash. Under the best-case scenario the soonest I'll be getting married is when I'm 22 and he's 25, but it's possible we'll have to delay a year for financial reasons.

I don't want to start a conflict, I just want to let them in on the good news and then Mike and I can get on with our lives and preparing for a future.

[jham123]

Well, this is your first test of "womanhood"... I'm kind of chuckling here so forgive me... I don't mean any ill will by it... but that being said, here you are considering a very very serious adult condition and you are afraid of what your mother will think.

Once you make these adult steps in life, what she thinks is from this point forward to be considered as just "Advisement" and nothing further.

That may sound harsh, but you need to know that "To Cleave" is to be making a family with your new Husband and one of the detrimental outside forces in life may fall under the guise of "Mother"

You are soon to be "The Mother" (I know, you aren't pregnant... but in the future) and you have to play that role. Your Husband will be "The Father" and you two are the ones that make all the decisions together about your life.

If you are concerned about what your Mother thinks about this guy, maybe she is right about you... maybe you need looking after... (don;t take that as a slam in anyway... I'm not trying to be mean rather, pragmatic and make mere observations)

So let's get to the issue of why your worried. She has already vocalized her disdain for this guy, that is a bad sign to begin with.

But allow us to explore it... Sounds to me like he is just a little above average (as are you) as far as "getting to it" with making a life. Her problem is that he is not a Prince or the next Bill Gates. She is projecting her own disappointments in life upon you.

Ask yourself this, are you willing to buy into love and by happy for richer or for poorer... or... are you willing to sell out and get some established guy that your parents will like?? I know that is a drastic way of only considering opposite ends of the spectrum... so please just bear with me for the sake of the example.

An old saying is "they don't allow you to make any money until you are 40". So yeah a kid that is 25 marrying a girl that is 22... guess what... they aren't going to have diddly squat and it will take years for him to establish himself and start providing... (there are exceptions).

So yeah, question yourself... if your description of this guy is accurate, he sounds perfectly delightful and your opinion of him and your choice should not be dismissed so readily by your mother... it really is insulting to you.

Here is the message, you ask yourself, are you grown or are you a child still?

Edit... Did I use the word "projection"?

My mother got pregnant when she was 16 and my dad was 24, and got married when she was 18. They divorced a number of years later,?

[shyfoxie]

Well, family is kind of important to me, and I really don't want to cause any conflict if I can help it---I'm living at home with her during university. If she's not happy, I won't be happy.

[redhed35]

You can just add onto your last thread,instead of posting another question.

I'm sure the advice will be the same.

Only now,you need to tell your parents as his already know now.

Time to bite the bullet so to speak.

[shyfoxie]

Yes I realize the fact I am making a mountain out of a molehill now that you mention it. It's not fair to anyone to be dishonest because I'm worried about what she'll say.

[redhed35]

Your big enough to make a serious commitment to another person,you should be able to tell your parents the news,regardless of their reaction.

[shyfoxie]

Yeah, adding this to the other thread probably would have made more sense. Any way of getting a question removed on this site besides reporting it?

[Cat1864]

All I can say is be upfront about your plan to have a long engagement. It gives her time to adjust to her baby growing and getting married. As with your dad, give her time to get to know him as a person that you care a lot about and want to spend the rest of your life with.

Would it help her feelings if she knew that your fiancé wanted/wants to ask your dad for your hand in marriage?

[I wish]

The story:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...on-382833.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ed-395428.html

Please keep all your questions regarding the same matter in the same thread. So that we can follow your story and give you appropriate advice.

You shouldn't be getting married until you've sorted out all the details. Marriage is a huge step and there's no reason to rush. Work on strengthening your relationship first. There's nothing wrong with a longer engagement, if it ensures that both of you are stable when entering a marriage.

[redhed35]

yeah, adding this to the other thread probably would have made more sense. Any way of getting a question removed on this site besides reporting it?

The mods will merge the threads,so anyone answering your question will see the full posts.

With all the information people will be able to give you an informed opinion.

[shyfoxie]

The story:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...on-382833.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ed-395428.html

Please keep all your questions regarding the same matter in the same thread. So that we can follow your story and give you appropriate advice.

You shouldn't be getting married until you've sorted out all the details. Marriage is a huge step and there's no reason to rush. Work on strengthening your relationship first. There's nothing wrong with a longer engagement, if it ensures that both of you are stable when entering a marriage.

Who's rushing? Under even the soonest we'd be thinking of setting the date for that would still be almost 3 years engaged.

[I wish]

This is where you are rushing.

I don't want to start a conflict, I just want to let them in on the good news and then Mike and I can get on with our lives and preparing for a future.

I suggest you focus on solidifying your relationship before you worry about your parents. If you have a strong relationship, then you will be in a better position to confront your parents.

There's no need to rush any step of the process, including letting your parents know.

If you parents can see that you're in a serious and stable relationship, the relationship will speak for itself and you won't have to worry about so much conflict with your family.

[shyfoxie]

Well, mom kind of found out by herself. Mike came over to support me and in case she wanted to talk... and basically she said that there is no point getting engaged if you don't plan to marry right away, he shouldn't have gotten me a ring because now we can't just forget about it, and that she thinks this is ridiculous.

And after he left she told me that just because I said "yes" didn't mean I had to stay with him. And also that we should see other people. I didn't expect overwhelming support, but I didn't expect her to tell us to separate either. She thought he was okay before she found out.

I'm coping fairly well considering I still have to live with her, but Mike meant well and he's honestly surprised and hurt. His family was happy and supportive, I guess he was hoping for the same from mine. I feel bad about putting him in this situation.

[redhed35]

Look,I know you had your doubts about telling your parents,however,at the end of the day,its your life and your decision..

Once you show that this is an important relationship in your life,she will hopefully learn to accept it.

If you have to live there,your probably going to end up talking about it,try not to get into heated arguments,but stand your ground.

[Cat1864]

She may be remembering when she was your age.

Give her time to get used to the idea. There's plenty of time.

Good luck. :)

[shyfoxie]

We'll just keep on doing what we're doing. Like I told him earlier today: "As long as we don't let this come between us, as long as we love each other and are committed to each other, anything negative anyone says will mean nothing"

I guess that's the end of that for now, not much else to say.