[missy1632]

Hi Guys,

I stumbled upon this site while searching for the definition of a sociopath. Believe it or not, I became aware of a correlation between my sister's behaviour and the term sociopath while watching an episode of SVU.

I am from Australia, by the way.

Now, I am pretty sure my sister exhibits traits of a sociopath, but what good is the term sociopath when there is no cure or medication? I swear it's like talking to a brick wall.

I have been under my sister's thumb for my whole life. I am now 29, and as stupid as it may sound, I have only just become aware of her control over me. In short, I am scared of her--but always believed things would get better.

The whole situation is extremely hard to explain, but basically for the past 5 years I have been living with my sister (41), her 2 sons (8 and 11) and our father (70). I have only just come out of the haze and realised that my sister's actions are not my fault and have now told everyone that I am moving out. My father now thinks I am the "bad" one for abandoning them, but reality is, I am extremely unhappy living there and, no matter what I do, the situation never improves.

Not to say that I don't have my own issues. Hello? I'm 29 years old and living with my dad! And my only escape is going to live with my mum! Yep, I am pathetic, but now that is out of the way, we can move on.

In my opinion, she's either a sociopath or bipolar or I don't know? One minute everything is great and fine and the next she is flipping out and threatening me with physical violence. Then later, seeming to forget all the hurtful and horrid things she has said and done, she even makes jokes about it. Just an example was this past weekend, after she flipped about me pleading with her not to drive drunk with her 2 sons, she threatened to smash my face in, while have a clenched fist hovering in front of me. Instead she picked up a cup and threw it at my face. She later made a joke about it and compared it to an incident involving someone completely irrelevant to this situation and said "at least I don't go around punching holes in the wall."

Usually I would have just be quiet, but this time I said, "Maybe not. But you wanted to punch a hole in my face." Her reply was, "I would never hurt you." Well, try telling HER that when she gets in a state. Yes, something definitely holds her back from actually punching me in the face, but it isn't compassion for me; it's fear of the repercussions she would face by doing so.

About 10 years ago, she was in a drug-affected state and slept through an important appointment. It was NOT my job to wake her, but I was there and was busy playing with one of her sons who was a toddler at the time. When she finally woke (after I had been watching her son, changing his nappies, feeding him etc), she blamed me for missing the appointment and again threatened to smash my face in and said the only reason she won't was because of our dad.

Recently I have lost a LOT of weight and I do struggle to keep it off. But anyway, when I had lost heaps and was looking really great, she was parading me around and telling people how proud she was etc. Turn the tables to when she is not happy, she's calling me a fat lazy c-word. In my opinion, she was never proud of me and only pretended to be in order to get recognition for her part in my weight loss (which by the way, was none). All she did was complain about me using the oven or make snide comments about me never cooking so much in my whole life, blah blah.

She is always playing the victim, but never makes any attempt to make anything better. She just complains about her situation -- that situation being that she has 2 sons by a man who isn't really all that great.

I could list a million examples, to be honest. But just to summarise: She lies with ease and often forgets her lies or varies them so much between one person and the next that she spends all her energy keeping up with them, or trying to hide her lies. And, when she is found out for lying, it's deny deny deny, or blame someone else. EXAMPLE: We rent the house we live in, but she was telling people we own it. Was that her fault? Nope, it was the house's fault for it being semi-well known and people knowing the real owners or it was the people she lied to's fault for being busybodies. Amazing.

She will b!tch to me about some of our half-sisters, but then to their face be all lovey-dovey and be sympathetic to their woes. Behind closed doors, she whinges and belittles their problems--as if NO ONE has problems bigger than hers! And if I dare nod at anything she says (usually just to pacify her), she will go back and tell the people I was the one who said x, y, z.

Also, I understand that raising children is a big job, but I don't think she takes it seriously or even really cares. She never disciplines them, but when they are really bad and out of control, or making too much noise for her to continue on with whatever interests her, she will yell and scream at them. In the same breath, she tells them to be quiet or to SHUT UP and to stop telling each other to shut up or to speak nicely to each other.

An example last night was the 2 boys fighting. She let them go on for quite some time, until one was crying hysterically (also because it was late at night), and then she was yelling at the older one for hitting his brother, saying, "You have no right to hit anyone. Do it again and I'll give you the best beating!" or "Do you want a slap?" etc etc. After she has yelled or maybe even hit them, she will shower them with "love" or gifts or make promises about what they will do "tomorrow" and when tomorrow comes around, it's "I don't have time for that" etc. It's easy for me to say this, not having children, but I actually live with them and can see how much easier raising them would be if a little bit of effort was put in first.

I must also say, there are drugs involved. I myself used to smoke marijuana with her, and for a long time too after this most recent fight and her telling my father that I smoked and was "covered in tattoos" (I have 3 small ones), I have stopped. Completely. It was a lot easier than I thought and I feel so much better. And this has helped my realisation.

I had wanted to quit for a long time, but I was often the one who was getting it for us. And believe me, if there was none to be had, it was a horrible time. And I believe that is what was keeping me on it too. I actually felt that if I was paying for it, I didn't want to "miss out." Now that I feel so detached and "free," I couldn't care less if she has it or not. She's bad with it or without it.

Other things she complains about, are things like me "not doing anything around the house." It is just not true. I firmly believe that sometimes when I do something, it was a) about time or b) I think she thinks she was the one who did it? I often eat frozen meals and therefore have barely any washing up to do, yet I still do her dishes. If I don't, they stay in the sink for days and days. Attracting flies. She also complains about the electricity bill or the water bill, yet puts the same load of dishes through the washer over and over, because she doesn't empty it, and maybe adds one dirty dish, so re-does the load. Or she won't bother to scrape off the food, so when the load finishes it's not completely clean. It's madness! Same goes for the washing machine. She will put a load on, forget about it and have to re-do it, as it has gone smelly (if you know what I mean?). I often take my laundry to the laundomat as the machine is never empty. It's my machine by the way!

I'm sorry I have rambled on. But really, I just wanted to say that now I have seen light I am moving out and moving on. Trying to actually have a life. But not without sacrifice. I am leaving my father, my nephews and my beloved pets. My father will be fine, although I have tried to be close to him (literally) my whole life and he has tried to guilt me into staying, which makes me feel as though he favours her over me. My nephews are quite resilient and they are her children, so what can I do? They also have each other and when I try and help, it falls on deaf ears. I love my pets and I will miss them dearly. It really hurts me to leave them. But I feel this is irrational thinking. *sigh*

Everyone who knows me, says I should leave (other family and friends). Including my mother. She often tells me to remember that they are not my children etc. I do feel a moral obligation, as even though I don't interfere too much, if anything were to really get out of hand, and it has before, me being there keeps her a bit in line.

I also sometimes think she thinks of me as being "nothing." Like sometimes she is so consumed in talking about herself-- how good looking she is, how beautiful her eyes are, etc. But then she will remember she is actually talking to me, so she will add, "Oh you are beautiful too" or mention that we have the same eyes. I guess charming me? I fell for it. Idiot I am. Or she will often compliment other people just so they will do the same to her, but behind their backs she says horrible things.

Also, she is the first one there if something bad happens to someone. Anything, a death, a car breaking down, etc etc. And she will bend over backwards, then later complain when people take up her offers for help. She treats complete strangers better than me or even her own children. She also plays happy families when others are around, and allows my nephews bad behaviour, but then gives it to them in private, telling them how embarrassing they were etc.

She'll moan about how much she has to do, but spend hours in the bathroom taking care of her appearance, or spend 2 hours sunbaking after just telling her kids she has "a million things to do" when they ask if they can go somewhere, or do something.

Anyway, my plan is to move in with my mum, but tell my nephews they can come visit anytime, so they know I'm still there for them. I just feel like I am not really helping being there and being so involved.

Any advice? Do you think she is a sociopath?

P.S. Sorry my post was all over the place. As you can see, I have bottled a lot of things up and even allowed things to go unnoticed, but now, since thinking about it, everything makes sense.

[missy1632]

Oops, I'm really sorry... I wrote all that in word... And look how it turned out? Impossible to read. Any way for me to edit it?

>edited/WG<

[Wondergirl]

No, I don't think she's a sociopath. I would say she's a narcissist.

[missy1632]

Oh okay, I looked up the definition of a narcissist and it is pretty similar to that of a sociopath.

What about the violent outbursts?

[Nique.H]

First of all, I would like to say that you are amazing for putting up with all that for so long. I would also like to say, wow! I thought I had it bad!
I don't think she is a sociopath, sure she has some characteristics of a sociopath, but my sister is bipolar, and I think yours is too. Your sister sounds more extreme than mine, but they have the same characteristics.

[Nyc2140]

I just want to say that your story really touched me. My sister and I are 6 years apart... I am now 22. I was in a situation very similar in which I lived with my older sister who was very controlling and ruled every minute of my life constantly. Constant phone calls as soon as I left the house... Where are you? Whom are you with? I would be at work and she really believed that I was lying of my whereabouts. She would go on psychotic rages and explode about every little thing. I really tried to be an obedient and submissive sister... I really believed and hopes that she would change and just love and respect me. One day she took things too far by grabbing my neck. I couldn't handle things anymore... moved out. I haven't spoken to my sister in two years now and never plan to. She has destroyed my childhood and taken away all joy every second she could have my life. And the real sad thing is... I really think she couldn't even help it. Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your candidness -- it has meant so much to me to have sought a similar situation so rare. 

[slapshot_oi]

I now realize this is an old thread, but I already made a response.

She is always playing the victim, but never makes any attempt to make anything better. She just complains about her situation -- that situation being that she has 2 sons by a man who isn't really all that great... She lies with ease and often forgets her lies or varies them so much between one person and the next that she spends all her energy keeping up with them, or trying to hide her lies. And, when she is found out for lying, it's deny deny deny, or blame someone else.

She will b!tch to me about some of our half-sisters, but then to their face be all lovey-dovey and be sympathetic to their woes. Behind closed doors, she whinges and belittles their problems--as if NO ONE has problems bigger than hers! And if I dare nod at anything she says (usually just to pacify her), she will go back and tell the people I was the one who said x, y, z.

Any advice?! Do you think she is a sociopath?

This sounds exactly like my best friend (well, former best friend). He is a textbook narcissist, and your sister sounds like one, too.

I don't know how far apart extreme narcism and sociopathy are.

Advice? Yes, move out of her house and cut her from your life forever. The egos of these people are so warped that it distorts reality. They can't improve because they don't understand that they have a problem, they actually believe the world is to blame.

I recently stop talking to my best friend of 17 years (it's been about six months). It was tough because we have so much history and were so close, but it was the right decision. I'm happier now that I don't have a negative source in my life anymore.

[missy1632]

Hi Guys,

Thanks so much for replying... Even if the thread is technically "old"... I am still dealing with the issue.

Well, I moved out. It was really hard as I had to give up and sacrifice a lot. I haven't spoken to her "in real life" since I left, but she did contact me with some abusive text messages, which at first I replied to (calmly) but then I stopped.

I didn't get to spend Christmas or NYE with my family this year, because of this issue and my inability to face my sister.

My father tried to guilt me into staying, but considering I had told him how unhappy I was, it really hurt me that he appeared not to care... I don't know... It was a hard position for him, but I felt like he didn't handle me and my feelings well, he took the easy route. I was upset and hurt. Badly. And it was as though I did the wrong thing by moving out.

Luckily I reached out to some friends who I had actually disconnected with (mainly due to my isolation) and they really helped me out by helping me realise I did the right thing. One of my friends even likened my situation to being in an emotionally abusive relationship, and now being removed from my situation I can actually see that. My sister always put me down, she was controlling and downright mean. Not to even mention to whole 'walking on eggshells' feeling I had. And that nothing I ever did was enough.

Another thing... I felt and at time still feel guilty for being the one who appeared to abandon... but she has not accepted responsibility for what she put me through at all and she certainly didn't apologise and I was most definitely due an apology!

I felt very sorry for myself over Christmas and New Year, but as it turned out me missing Christmas was out of my control anyway... I ended up "wanting" to go, but was stuck in a storm and couldn't get there in time... On NYE, I had no intention of going because a) the tension would have been terrible and I had hoped that would have been helped by me going to Christmas, but that didn't happen, and b) I realised I actually didn't want to ring in the New Year with someone who has so little respect for me. That was a big step for me. When I told my Dad I wasn't going he said he was disappointed and thought I was stronger than that. In the end, I guess you can't please everyone, and after being called selfish ALL my life, I am actually finally looking after myself for once.

Truth be told... On one hand I am happy I have some clarity finally, but on the other I am very very upset at losing many I love- by that I mean my relationship with my dad is changed forever, I am now not really in my nephews lives, and I have lost a pet that I adored and who adored me. That kills me. And, unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my sister for putting me through that. She knew what she was doing and I had to give up the fight, because I couldn't fight anymore.

Anyway, thank you for commenting. 2012 is looking like it should be a better year for me.

[wallabee4]

Greetings, mate!

Voice of experience here: I have a sociopath sister and physically abusive brother and I think another sister starting early on her path to alzheimer's (mom already been there--Dad and I were caregiver.)

Mom and Dad are now both passed. I sacrificed a large portion of my life caregiving mum. She was a hoarder my entire life and blessed us with Alzheimer's her last 10 years or so. I was youngest and so closest to home to do it ALL along with poor pop. Sibs were all takers, never givers. Me, just the opposite.

Fortunately for me, no drugs ever in my mix. And I heartily advise you get away from them 100% forever, too!

But when I lost Dad suddenly I came to a big realization. None of us get out of this thing alive. And another thing, I am not my brother's (or sisters') keeper. As an adult, my life is my life and I have the perspective to have seen that pop at 80 ish had 3 sibs himself. They were far flung and most he ever did in the 42 years I knew him was chat on the phone with them. And when a brother passed, he attended funeral. A sister passed, he attended that funeral. And so as I grew up I realized that although as kids you are forced into same household (and in your situation you were still in Dad's house as adult) as adults your life--if you marry, have kids of your own--is your family. NOT the sibs and parents you had as a young child. (Sure some folks are blessed with large extended happy families. You and I are NOT. Not wrong, just different. Don't self-judge based on anybody else's life.) If you don't marry, in fact your close friends--as opposed to acquaintances--are your best family. AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I've put my sibs up on a shelf for the Almighty to handle. Occasionally I glance at the shelf and wonder if they ever think of me, miss me, but my proof is that they never contact me unless they want something (to include another chance to tell me how woe is me their lives are or how wrong I am for cutting them off--when they weasel out my new address they contact me to show it off--or they bring up some old hurt from 10 years ago and how much of a victim they are), and so I have learned through steadfast repetition that I answer nothing and give them no forwarding addresses when I move. Never ever water the weeds, it only makes them grow. Never ever think you will 'explain' logic to such folks and they will GET it. They won't. Their brains are different from yours and frankly it matters not if sociopath or narcissist or lunatic. Just AVOID THEM 100% and feel no guilt. It gets easier to just say nothing. (Don't even write it to yourself and then destroy it because chasing that tail of logical explanations is too tempting to want to send to them. AND is utter waste of your time/life.) MOVE ON and if possible, a great distance. Hand them to God.

I got to put an ENTIRE COUNTRY between me and them. Yea for me!

And if I am ever notified when they die it'll be no more emotional than if I read that some stranger died.

You are not alone.