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hm914 · Oct 26, 2008, 09:48 AM

I am currently living with my boyfriend, we have been together for 4 years, he has hurt me a few times, not physically, and is never there for me, I want to leave him , but I'm not sure if I love him or maybe I'm just used to him, and that makes it hard for me to leave him, and I'm afraid if I leave him I will miss him... what should I do??

411Help · Oct 26, 2008, 09:55 AM

Have you tried talking to him about this?

hm914 · Oct 26, 2008, 10:01 AM

Yes I have tried numerous times, all he thinks about is him and his friends, I have even thought about cheating, because I'm not happy, but that's not me, I don't like to cheat, I want that feeling and attention othr guys give me from him but I'm not getting anything, I'm so lost... I don't know what to do.

High Max · Oct 26, 2008, 10:04 AM

Simply put, you give him one last chance. Tell him how you feel, tell him that you are starting to feel yourself drifting away and are considering a breakup if things can't change for the better.

hm914 · Oct 26, 2008, 10:13 AM

I have tried telling him that too, he keeps telling me " i promise ill change" but I've been waiting for that change for the past 3 years...

Guidostern · Oct 26, 2008, 10:26 AM

Okay... this may be a little harsh, not for you, but against your boyfriend... so don't be mad... I'm just being honest.

All right... he repeatedly says that he'll change and you keep giving into him. That he has to want to change. Sure, anyone is capable of changing, but some need motivation for doing so. If he loves you and has a longing for you, then he'll do it without repeated chances. Sure, he may slip and fall sometimes, but still... it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to him.

Basically what I'm saying is, make a believer out of him... drastic measures may need to be taken to show him you're not playing games.

As long as you repeatedly give into him, he's going to think that your feelings aren't real and you're going to stay with him no matter what... so he ends up taking you for granted... starts thinking "Oh, she'll always be there...there's always going to be time."

So, this means that he's going to continue the current behavior as long as you allow it... it's like playing a game with a child...

411Help · Oct 26, 2008, 10:49 AM

I'm going to be very straight forward, LEAVE HIM.

NallaNeedsYou · Oct 26, 2008, 10:58 AM

He needs to make you feel special. Simple as it seems he might not understand what it is that makes you feel special. If he makes you feel like he doesn't understand you and you don't meen enough to him to be there for you then I can completely see where you are coming from and you need to put those issues to him. Good luck

aaj2008 · Oct 26, 2008, 11:10 AM

OK here is an example... people vary and relationships vary I know... but.. Ive been dating my girlfriend 3 years... I still buy her random gifts, we still go hang out, we still snuggle on the couch, we still do all those wonderful things you do when you first start dating someone... and yes sometimes we get sick of each other and need some space to go do our own thing. So what I would do honestly is let him go... if he loves you he'll figure it out and he will come back for you... he runs off with some other broad... he's not into as much as you think he is...

TrueFaith · Oct 26, 2008, 01:26 PM

If he does go with someone else

You don't even need to think about him..

Yes you will miss him.
But in the long run my dear
You WILL be better for it.

I wish you all the best

talaniman · Oct 28, 2008, 12:22 PM

Leave, you have waited long enough for the sun to shine.

JBeaucaire · Oct 28, 2008, 12:44 PM

If you want your life back, you have to live on your own again.

If you want him to get better, you have to live on your own again.

See, it's the same answer no matter what the eventual outcome. You can't leave things as they are and "talk" him into changing. The thing that has to change first is you. You have to change everything, starting with your address.

If you want him to get better, get a place of your own, give him your new telephone number and let him know you'd love to hear from him if he's willing to do the work.

Then stop waiting around. You need to get back out there and look at the world through someone else's eyes for a while, and get some stuff going goals-wise. He needs to become a small part of the things you're dealing with, if even that.

But no matter what, you will need to move out and make him work at it again. If he doesn't (which is a real possibility), then that has to be OK, too. Yes, you'll miss him, but you already miss him, so that's just more of the same. You'll get over it soon after you start giving REAL candidates a chance at you again.

sally111 · Oct 31, 2010, 02:18 AM

Hi, I have been in this situation also. 5 years of a yoyo relationship and continually hoping my partner would change. If he truly wanted to change he would have,. he hasn't. The realisation of this is painful , however there will come a day as it did for me when self preservation prevails and you will decide that you can't live like this anymore. Your menatl health and well being suffer during difficult times with a partner whop fails to see how their behaviour affects you. Although friends and family see all, we are blinded in the short term. It is not until healing starts that we look back and think... whay oh why did I deny myself the opportunity to be happy. Life is not a rehearsal.. this is it.