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brookstheump · Jul 6, 2008, 08:47 AM

Hey everyone. I'm a newbie to this forum. My girlfriend and I have been going out for 3 and a half months. Yesterday, she told me that she wanted to take a break right now. She wants to take a break because she is busy with college, working, and also dealing with family situations. She tells me that is the reason she wants to take a break, and that it has nothing to do with me. We have a great relationship and love each other a lot. She told me that she wants us to still be officially boyfriend-girlfriend, and she also made a promise to me that once she is done with college, that we will start "serious" dating once again. I am going to support her decision 100%, and I trust her when she says we will date again. Should I be worried, or should I feel at ease about the fact she does want to resume dating when her situation isn't as bad? This is my first serious relationship and any advice would be great. Thank u.

happy_jester · Jul 6, 2008, 09:08 AM

I really don't need to say much here,as, you know yourself.

What I mean,is,that there is a lot of what you've said in your question that's very
POSITIVE about this relationship...

... such as,you say that you have a great relationship & both love each other a lot.

She has told you that she wants you both to still be officially boyfriend-girlfriend, and she also made a promise to you that once she is done with college, that the "serious" dating can begin once again.

You have NO worries here,please relax :)

liz28 · Jul 6, 2008, 11:42 AM

I would not get my hopes up too high because your can wind up getting back togethee or the break can be long lasting.

Most relationships, when a spouse ask for a break, ended the relationships for good, but some have recover. You need to be prepared for that.

She might have family issues or it might have to do with college, but I was in this situation before and did not request a break,actually my boyfriend help me through these problems.

I don't want to rain on your parade or give you false hope, but I want you to open your eyes and know the outcome of what can happen, ane give you the good and bad, so if anything you can be prepared. You can also read other people posts to where they partner ask for a break and read the outcomes for yourself.

hjpan · Jul 6, 2008, 03:38 PM

Three and half months is not long. You'll get it over soon enough.

teezee · Jul 7, 2008, 01:42 AM

I don't think worrying is the issue here. 3 and a half months is peanuts aka you are not in a serious relationship. Man if you had any clue what things turn out to be like at the 2 year mark, even the 1 year mark you wouldn't be "worrying". There is no point sitting back like a sitting duck waiting on someone to finish college before dating you. By that time, you would have already moved on and dated other people. So probably its best you date other people or stay single for awhile.

Romefalls19 · Jul 7, 2008, 05:28 AM

I agree with most posters here, You guys aren't really in a serious relationship yet. You are still in the early stages of getting to know one another. I wouldn't be betting the farm that you guys will get back together. I know plenty of couples that balance school, work and family life all together and don't feel the need to take a "break" from the relationship.

bigbird213 · Jul 7, 2008, 06:12 AM

Personally,

I think that you need to not worry about what will happen in the future and just concentrate on the here and now. No matter what happens in the future, what you do now shouldn't be effected. A good judge of how healthy and happy you are with yourself is if you can live you life the same regardless of what might happen in the future.

Keep yourself busy, be happy with yourself, and let her have her break. See what happens after - but be prepared for anything.

talaniman · Jul 7, 2008, 06:29 AM

How often do you talk, go out, and see each other just to get a clear picture??

brookstheump · Jul 7, 2008, 01:30 PM

We talk every day on the phone, we have been going our or hanging out with each other whenever possible. We see each other often, and the times we don't is because she will have classes in the morning, go to work for the afternoon, then head back for evening classes. I have asked her if she wants some space from me, she says that she still wants me to call her and talk to her, and we are doing that every day, and even IM each other. She has fallen behind in her classes and is catching up, plus working, and the fact that finals are coming up has caused her stress, and she wants to take a "break" from serious dating for now. She has made it clear to me that she really doesn't want to hang around with any of her friends right now, so it's not just me. We still are going to hang out occasionally this month, and we talk every day. So this might not be a normal type of break, and like I said at the beginning, once this is done, she promised that we would resume dating seriously. I just feel she wants a break from everything right now while she is trying to finish this semester. But yes, we still talk on the phone every day to each other and she tells me she feels bad about this, but I told her don't worry about it, and just take your time. I'm hoping I was more specific about things. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

talaniman · Jul 7, 2008, 01:41 PM

Until you know otherwise, take her at her word, and let her get her studies done. Its best when someone wants a break, to define the terms, and be specific from the get go, so you know how to act. If she is confused about her feelings, watch out, but to me she sounds pretty specific. SCHOOL WORK!

hjpan · Jul 7, 2008, 10:59 PM

Compare your three & half month relationship to my one year four months.

talaniman · Jul 8, 2008, 05:08 AM

So everything is the same except you guys don't go out, but you still speak, and visit, an this is an exclusive relationship still, is that a fair conclusion?

brookstheump · Jul 8, 2008, 09:23 AM

That is a fair conclusion. I think its just one of those times that she has too much on her plate right now, and as a result of school work and her job, we don't spend much time together right now, but like I say, we talk on the phone every day, instant message each other. Basically, we are just taking a break right now as a result of everything she's doing right now. I have asked her several times if she wants me to give her space, but she wants to talk to me, so I think that's good, although I told her let me know when you do need space and I will give it to u. I'm confident things will be fine, but this is my frst serious relationship with any girl, so I'm just looking for guidance, and to see if everythin will be fine like I think it will be. I do appreciate all the answers and advice, keep them coming.

bigbird213 · Jul 8, 2008, 09:31 AM

If your looking for guidance, try to take this without being offended...

I think that you spend TOO much time together. She might be feeling smothered, like she has to give you a certain amount (which is too much) attention to keep you happy. I'm only saying this because I have been there, and while being infatuated with each other is good in the beginning, it can really get unhealthy quick.

No matter HOW MUCH you like someone, there comes a point when you need to have separate lives. It's a lesson I learned the hard way, but it is unhealthy to spend every moment with someone, it can be a real relationship killer.

Keep your independence.

kp2171 · Jul 8, 2008, 09:40 AM

You will have no idea of what she really wants until it happens. It could be as simple as being overwhelmed by life gettng in the way or it could be backing off as a first step way back.

The only thing to think about is whether you want to be a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Meaning its not unreasonable to talk to someone you care about every day... but you also run the risk of being her "male girlfriend" if you are spending a lot of time on the phone and texting.

I'm not one to say you should play head games and manipulate... but you should also act appropriately, and that means not being her butler or her girlfriend... and that's good advice usually whether you are dating or not.

So she needs time to step back and get things in order. Make sure you are doing the same. Be connected to friends, activities, interests of your own. One of the great things about getting to know someone is all the new experiences and perspectives you get from knowing that person. Sometimes that gets lost along the way.

I'm not saying you sound like the lovesick puppy at her heels... but just be careful about being too understanding and too accommodating. One girl I liked a lot dumped me exactly this way when I was younger... told me shed date me if she were in "dating mode" but she wanted to step back some. Within two months she was dating another. Doesn't mean it's the same way with her at all.

Focusing on school is a legitimate reason for stepping back from other "distractions", and if that's her sole reason, she's level headed enough to know her priorities are her education and future first, not a boyfriend. Just make sure you don't make her best interests your best interests... you can be accommodating to some degree, but your goal is your happiness, not hers.

So just be a little careful about being a "girlfriend" to her. Too accessible and too accommodating all the time projects, to some, a lack of individual goals and interests. Don't play head games, but don't be a butler either.

talaniman · Jul 8, 2008, 10:54 AM

KP, and BB, are giving you a heads up you should consider, as a balanced life by you, is much healthier for you in the long run, as we always run a risk of losing ourselves, and who we really are, by being to close, to much.

Just as she is doing what she is supposed to, it's a good time to make sure your life without her is in order. Hobbies, friends, and activities you enjoy should not be neglected for a relationship, but be as much a part of you, and your life, as the relationship. Gives you both a chance to breathe, enjoy, and grow, and you will miss, and appreciate one another for that private space.

As long as the lines of honest communication flows both ways, you will be fine.

hjpan · Jul 8, 2008, 08:42 PM

Go party.... leave some room for your girlfriend.

happy_jester · Jul 9, 2008, 12:36 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Hobbies, friends, and activities you enjoy should not be neglected for a relationship, but be as much a part of you, and your life, as the relationship.

Yes,indeed,as you are "waiting" at the moment for this girl to finish her school studies,
Having (and leading) a life of your own,is a very healthy activity :)

As long as the lines of honest communication flows both ways, you will be fine.

Of course,and please don't forget it is very healthy,also,
To spend "a little catch up time" with this girl,too :)

nelsta78 · Jul 9, 2008, 01:46 PM

Agree with most of what's been said, I'm on a break with my girlfriend at the minute.And I've been going out much more with friends.Then she phoned me the other day and said it's a really good thing that I'm doing this.As she doesn't feel that I'm dependent on her for a social life.And we can have lives outside of our relationship(if we get back together)

bigbird213 · Jul 9, 2008, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by nelsta78

agree with most of whats been said, i'm on a break with my girlfriend at the minute.And i've been going out much more with friends.Then she phoned me the other day and said it's a really good thing that i'm doing this.As she dosnt feel that im dependent on her for a social life.And we can have lives outside of our relationship(if we get back together)

I'm impressed by your composure and attitude toward this. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing, and you understand that it may be the final end. Good job and keep it up, your actions are a GREAT example to others going through the same situation.