[officeuseonly]

?? :'(

So, here's my dilemma. I'm twenty-one years old (female) and there was a guy that I used to date exclusively for almost three years. (We got together when I turned eighteen and broke up this past May.) We were extremely serious, we lived together for awhile, became engaged, your basic serious relationship. We fought off and on (as normal couples do, for the nearly three year period) and there were certain issues that were at hand, such as him not having a steady job, etc. I, myself, feel that I'm not only extremely responsible, but centered and ambitious. He is somewhat the opposite of that, but other than that, I didn't completely have insurmountable issues with him. We get along famously; He was like my best friend. So in May, he approaches me (over the telephone) saying that he can no longer continue the relationship with me because he had impregnated a girl months before him and I had initially gotten together, and he had just found out (making the child over two years old). He told me that he had to 'do the right thing' and be with the mother of this child. So he leaves me, makes an attempt to be with this girl and it doesn't work out with her. Meanwhile, I'm picking up the pieces and convincing myself that it truly wasn't meant to be if he did this to me, that he was no-good, that he was a dirty rotten scoundrel, to be perfectly honest. Your typical defense mechanism for a woman scorned. Basically, I convinced myself in five months that we were not meant to be and that it was a blessing in disguise that this had happened. He finds out last month that the child is not his. Of course, he is upset by this news, because he is a lover of children and although this child wouldn't have been 'by me', it was still 'potentially' his at one point in time.

During the entire five months that we were apart, I was living back at home with my parents, who absolutely detest him for what he did to me, their friends who absolutely detest him for what he did to me and the rest of my family that absolutely detests him for what he did to me. I, by nature, am a very forgiving person. I had forgiven him a month after it happened, after I cooled somewhat.

Basically, he stated that he wants to give it another try, start completely fresh and begin again. I'm not completely sure I want that; I do love him still, but maybe not in the same way as I used to. Not only that, but my family and parents would be extremely unhappy, because they thought that him and I breaking up was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. For awhile, I agreed with them, too. Now I'm having second thoughts. They all say that I'm 'too good for him' and he'll 'never amount to anything' and I used to agree, but now it makes me angry when I hear it.

What do I do. What would I tell my family? How would I break the news, if, in the event, I decided to give him another chance? How could I completely get over what he did to me?

I know for a fact that he loves me; We did, at one point, have a very, very, very strong relationship. We had our rough patches and when they were rough, they were very rough. But when they were good, they were very good. However, I do know that he does care for me as deeply as he says he does.

Please, someone offer me some insight into this, so I don't have to go and spend $150.00 on a lousy therapist. Lol

[confused2504]

Hey,

Well my advice for you is, think very long and hard about the relationship. As you said everyone has fights and great times, but what holds a relationship together at the end of the day, is trust, respect, love, honesty, compassion and mutual understanding.
I have no doubt that the two of you still love each other.
It would have been very hard for you when the relationship broke up, but from my point of view, he made the wrong decision from the start. Yes it is very noble of this guy to step up to his responsilibities and take over as the father figure for his child. As it turned out, he wasn't the father, but still what's makes a father isn't if you live together with this child, a father is someone who loves the child unconditionally and will ben over backwards to ensure this child is safe and happy. He could have easily been the father this child needed without having to be in a relationship with the mother. But as you said it didn't turn out, but now he has placed big doubts in your mind and now you question if its right to go back into the relationship. Ask yourself, if you didn't break up, would you still want to continue with the relationship? Five months is a long time to be apart also, you would have matured in a lot of ways. You will not be settling for just anything now, because to get back together is the easy part, staying together and making it work is the hard bit.
At the end of the day, you are in charge of your own life and you have to do what's best for you. If you decide to go back with him, then make it your choice and you have to be 100%. Don't let other factors like your family play a part because that would cloud your judgment. Your family detest him because they saw first hand what he did, and how much it hurt you. They were the ones whom I'm sure nursed you when you would cry, and parents hurt more to see you cry over a broken heart because it can't be fixed with just a band-aid. I think your family just want to protect you so you don't get hurt again. Whatever decision you choose, they will support you and if they aren't happy, that should not be of your concern, because as long as you feel you have made the right decision it will be, and eventually your family will see that. It will take time, as it took time for you to forgive your ex.
The decision is in your hands and no decision you take is the wrong one. Give yourself a little more space, and really think about everything. Weigh up all the pros and cons of the relationship and believe me the answer will jump out at you. You are still mending your heart.. so if this guy genuinely wants to be with you and loves you as he says, then he will wait for you to make your decision with no pressure.
Hope I helped. Take care and be strong... you will see in time, the answers you are seeking will come!

[officeuseonly]

To Confused2504: Thank you so much for your advice... I really do appreciate it and coming into work this morning and finding that someone had taken the time to respond to my catastrophe, lol, nevertheless with some good advice, I really appreciate it and value what you said.

Again, thank you so much -- I feel somewhat of a weight has been lifted this morning.

Good luck to you, also, in all you do!
:)