[Matt92]

Ok, I began dating my current girlfriend 18 months ago. Like the beginning of all relationships, the sex was great. We had sex everyday until the end of the school year, which was only 1 month later. Because our hometowns are 7 hours apart by car, we only visited each other for a week at a time on three or four occasions over the course of 4 months, but each time we saw each other our sex life was great.

Fast forward to the next school year. I noticed she began acting differently towards sex. It wasn't being initiated naturally, and I wasn't sure to make of it. It slowed down to about 3 times a week, and then decelerated to once a week not too long after that. By the time winter break hit, going two weeks without sex wasn't all that uncommon.

I was very upset by this. I know that she loves me, and we had talks and she assured me that she still is attracted to me, but she said she just didn't feel any desire often. (As a side note, she also made it a point that I shouldn't want it if she doesn't, which I mostly agree with, but she really holds true to this and it kills me. She REALLY won't do anything until she feels something.)

The next part to this story is this: she began taking prozac just before we started dating and we determined that might be the case. She changed her medication to effexor (which doesn't make sense to me because it has the same libido killing effects), and I hoped things would begin to change after our winter break. Nope, same thing. Sex remained at a rate of once every two weeks until the end of the school year. We had many more talks and nothing ever changed.

I went into summer very distressed. I was questioning our relationship... how much longer could I handle our sex life like this? I thought maybe we just needed a break from seeing each other everyday, and this summer break I was living at school, so I was able to see her once every two weeks. Well, this summer was the worst yet. I would come and visit her after not seeing her at all for two weeks, and each time she would shut me down until the night before or the actual day I was leaving. It made me feel very unwanted and that she was doing it just to make me happy enough to get by.

Conversation has gotten much more serious recently, and I have made it clear that I don't want to be in a relationship like this and things need to change. Since school has started this year, we have had sex once. We have not had sex in 5 or 6 weeks. I feel ready to break things off, and I think she finally is starting to realize it. It's extremely sad because we love each other very much. If the physical aspect of our relationship was good, things would be perfect. We have had discussions and cried together because I feel so sad because it feels like we're not even dating and, she feels so bad and insists it's not her fault and that it's the antidepressant... to which I don't deny. In the end, it doesn't matter if it's the antidepressants though, because if things don't change I can't be in a relationship like this.

Finally, she has done one thing that is keeping me hopeful. She is scheduling an appointment with her doctor to switch from effexor to wellbutrin over thanksgiving break.

More background info:

It's not just the sex. She just isn't affectionate. She never grabs my attention, kisses me, and makes me feel loved in that sort of way. She'll cuddle, but only sometimes, and she never wants me to even kiss her unless it's a good night peck as she's going to sleep.

I am not constantly putting pressure on her to have sex. I know that it turns her off if I were to do that, and I've been waiting for her to initiate instead. As I said, though, it's been 5 weeks going strong with no sex. It's so frustrating I just don't know what to do.

What do you guys think? Anyone been down this road or have any advice?

[greentree30]

Honestly the anti depressant could really be the problem. I took paxil several years ago and it affected my sex drive horribly. It made me have no sex drive at all and I'm a very sexual person. I wasn't able to have an orgasm on it, which is crazy for me! Every other anti depressant I've tried never effected my sex drive, only paxil. Although I've never tried prozac or effexor. Right now I'm on a combination of wellbutrin and vibrryd and my sex drive is not effected what so ever. Wellbutrin is one of the anti depressants that is the least likely to effect your sex drive. So most likely your girlfriend will start to get her sex drive back. Just hang in there, be patient and understanding.

Besides the medication, depression and anxiety can definitely effect your sex drive though, depending on the person. For me I see sex as a stress reliever. But for a lot of people when they are stressed out or depressed their mind can't even go there. Sex is the last thing they want to do. Their mind is exhausted. If that is the deal, just try to be there for her the best you can and don't pressure her. Pressure is a huge libido killer.

But if wellbutrin works for her, her depression should get better. And her interest should come back. I hope everything works out, good luck to both of you. :-)

[Cat1864]

Is she getting counseling as well as medications?

It sounds like her Depression and medication are limiting her emotional and physical interactions. Changing her medications may help but do not expect an immediate turn around.

She also needs to make certain she is taking care of herself by getting rest, getting properly, getting enough exercises, and learning ways to handle stress and other issues before they add to the Depression. But she has to want to work through it because she knows it is best for her. You cannot do it for her. You can give her support. However, you shouldn't become a crutch for her to lean on.

You have to decide if there is enough of a relationship and connection to satisfy your needs while she works through her issues. If you feel like there isn't enough physical intimacy, then you may have to decide to move on. You should not allow her issues to become yours. If that is happening you need to back away and look at protecting yourself.

[Tricia1989]

I don't mean to be negative or anything but I was having the same problem with my boyfriend.We were together for a year and the last 3 months he didn't want to have sex atall. He said it was stress at work and depression.I actually believed him. But at the end of it all he was actually sleeping with sumone else. So u may want to take a closer look to see if it's that. Cause from what you said you don't see each other much.

[Matt92]

Thanks everyone for the responses I appreciate them all.

Greentree, it's good to hear your sex drive came back upon switching to wellbutrin. Do you remember how slowly/quickly your libido came back? I know it takes at least about 2 weeks to start, but did it steadily increase over the course of months? Also, It's just hard to be supportive and patient for so long when my previous efforts have led to where we are now. I do understand though.

Cat, I don't think stress is too much of an issue for her. You're completely right about her needing to want to work through it to work. I try not to be a crutch, but I don't really know where the line is between support and crutch.

Also, it's especially hard to continue because I've been feeling like this for so long, and now it's worse than ever. But at the same time she's finally switching to a medication that may help... so if I've stuck with it this long, what's another month? I've already allowed her issues to become mine, and the tension is so tight right now, at least for me, I don't know if it ever will go back to how it used to be.

Tricia, I'm sorry that happened with your ex. I do live in a house with her, albeit a very large one (22 people, 17 bedroom, 7 bathrooms... college living haha), I see her everyday and I'm sure she isn't cheating. Early in the relationship she ripped on people who cheat and talked about situations with ex-boyfriends she was on bad terms with but she never cheated. Also, I really do believe she simply doesn't have a sex drive... she is truly upset by it, and I don't think the emotion she showed about that fact could be faked.

[greentree30]

Matt, from what I can remember it only took a few weeks, or at most 1 month to get my sex drive back. But I'm sure everyone is different.