[slondono168]

So I'm a sophomore in college, been single for around 8 months now. I've still been dating but never taken any girls seriously. Couple weeks ago I ran into an old friend from high school. Someone I haven't seen in years. We were close back in the day but at that time she was in a relationship. After that day when I saw her I asked for her number and ever since than we been talking mostly on daily bases. We text each other and sometimes talk on the phone but the thing is that most of the time its me reaching to her? I know the whole "playing hard to get game" but Id never was the one chasing after girls. I must say I really enjoy talking to her and its been a while since Ive had this connection with somebody. Sometimes I be confuse because I don't know if she's see me as another "guy" friend or something else. I say about 80% of the time I'm the one reaching her. I wanted to take it slow to see where it would go because you know you first have to be friends than anything else. I guess I'm not use to be in a position where I'm at now? I really do like the girl but If she seems me as another typical guy than why would I keep trying? I don't want to seem like I'm desperate than maybe end up annoying her or something. I guess I'm being to careful probably because I really want this to work out. Just wanted to see what people would think.

[ITstudent2006]

Well it seems like your head is in the right place. I would say that you need to be open with her and ask. There is no use in hoping for something more if she's not interested. If you're willing to remain friends even if she says no relationship then you don't lose anything by asking.

If you're the type of person to take it personal and end the friendship because she doesn't want a relationship, I would suggest weighing your options. What's more important? A healhty friendship or risk losing it all?

[missamelia]

Your best option is to explain to her that you really like her in a casual way. Organise meeting up I doubt she will find it annoying. Remember she must be interested to have given you her number. She might be shy too.

[SocialPsiTina]

It's great that you've met a female that you like talking to, and I think even better that you knew her previously. It's particularly exciting because you've never dated any before seriously, as you said.

However, you see yourself that things are out of balance. Yes, you're the guy. But you've already shown her very clearly that you like her.

My opinion on this is that it would be better to lose such a person than to try to hang on the way that it's been. If you were comfortable as it is, that would be different. Furthermore, most people would not be.

Almost everyone likes to be shown that they are wanted. As I see it, you can nip this in the bud in one by simply calling her and telling her that you'd like things to be more equal when it comes to initiating contact. Then you can see what she says. If she's not receptive to having this sort of frank discussion, then I don't think there's much hope. If she's receptive and she acts on what she says, then you've solved the problem.

Yes, my suggestion is risky. Your directness, as well as your request for a more equal relationship may send her running the other way.

I say then you are better off without her, as there will only more pain down the line with someone who insists-- however quietly-- on being in control of the relationship. It's not what you want, and if she's not willing to share power and control in this way, you'll just become more and more miserable as the relationships goes along-- if it goes along.

[slondono168]

That is true I do see it out of balance. Ive been the one mainly reaching to her. We went out to the movies few days ago but It wasn't nothing serious. What I tried to do was be a good friend like before but I guess she doesn't see it that way.

[slondono168]

I can stay friends with her don't get me wrong. I just wanted something more. I didn't want to be straight forward and just tell her. Maybe its too soon if I told her what I thought.

[slondono168]

Well we did go to the movies but it wasn't nothing serious. We do have a lot in common maybe that's why I see her as interesting? I tried calling her recently but she never answered and never returned my calls niether. So right now Im like ummm...

[SocialPsiTina]

I'm sure it's very disappointing and even discouraging. However, as kind as you seem to be, I'd like to see you be with someone who appreciates it. She, apparently, is not up to the task. I don't think that it speaks well for her.

[missamelia]

Considering you have tried calling her I would leave the next move to her. If not I wouldn't be disappointed you have tried and that's all you can do.

[martinizing2]

It has only been a couple of weeks which is not enough time to really tell where the relationship is heading, or even to actually call it more than getting to know each other.

I'd say slow down and give it more time to see what , if anything ,develops.

At this stage her not answering a call or promptly returning it probably means nothing more than she is busy.

If you say anything I'd keep it to something like " I feel we are connecting , do you?"
Then go from there. But don't be in such a hurry , go with the flow.

[SocialPsiTina]

I don't think it's too soon-- and apparently neither does ITStudent.

[SocialPsiTina]

It sounds to me that the emotional risk of telling her what you want is really scary to you. Others may disagree, but I think that your fear is partly founded. There are people who dislike certain kinds of honesty and directness, and will run the other way when it's offered to them.

Nevertheless, I think that another reason you're so scared is because you're very new to dating, so perhaps you almost feel like this is your last chance. Is that true?

Anyway, I think that part of the reason you have dated so little is because of this fear of taking emotional risks. Apparently, you're convinced that you if you ask for something emotional from someone and the answer isn't yes, then this is a reflection on your value and attractiveness.

You're not alone in this idea. It's extremely commonplace, and I even struggle with it myself sometimes.
Psychiatrist David Burns suggests what he calls "shame-attacking" exercises for people who struggle with this. He and other cognitive therapists have the person go and do something that makes that makes them look foolish, like going up to at least a dozen people in a public place and asking them out to a movie.
When they find out how much easier this gets with practice, people lose their fear of taking these kinds of social risks.

Anyway, there's a bit more at stake here, because you have a friendship and ongoing relationship with this woman that you apparently don't want to lose. But think of it this way: if you can't ask for what you really want, and have to accept the relationship on her terms, then she has all the power. And if she has all the power, than how can you get what you need? And how can it be healthy?

That's why I think it's worth the risk. 1) you may not lose her, and 2)it would be better to lose her than to continue down this road, because it will only get worse. 3) You may get what you want! If you don't ask for what you want, you probably won't get it.

Happy, close, long-lasting relationships are those where both peoples needs are honored and taken into consideration. Just ask John Gottman, the country's #1 relationship researcher and expert.

I hope this helps. Let us know how it works out!

Sincerely,

Tina Miller, M.A.

aka, SocialPsiTina

[ITstudent2006]

I agree with you Martin but at the same time disagree. Maybe it's because I'm a go-getter and I would rather pull the trigger then wait...

Granted, it has been only a few weeks... but I am not saying you have to jump right into dating or assuming the titles of b/f & g/f. You can still approach and tell her how you feel. Exactly what you wrote on here, tell her you'd really like to get to know her more outside of school. Take things from there.

[slondono168]

Yeah I guess your right, go with the flow. Not rush things see how things go.

[slondono168]

Its not that Im scared I just didn't want to ruin the friendship that we have now. It was ruined in the past so I wanted to try and make it how it was before. I never took anyone serious because I was never looking for anything until I ran into her

[SocialPsiTina]

It was ruined before? You may want to preserve what you have, but this does NOT sound like a happy friendship to me. Also, why don't you seek out other friendships that could be happier & more equal?

[SocialPsiTina]

With all due respect, I disagree. She's not responding as women do when they are interested. If things are not reciprocal after a few weeks, they probably never will be, but at least he can nip it in the bud with his dignity intact.

[SocialPsiTina]

"No man made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."

- Edmund Burke, British political philosopher.