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justagirl22 · Feb 7, 2007, 12:10 AM

My boyfriend of a year and a half was my first true love. Everything in the beginning was perfect but in the last few months we had some nasty fights. I realized he was taking me for granted, possibly because we had so many plans for the future he stopped putting in effort keep me satisfied in the present. He always made me feel guilty after we fought even if he was in the wrong. He made me think I couldn't be a happy person. He did things behind my back, one time it was drugs and one time it was talking to a random girl and lying about it, but I'm 100% sure he wasn't cheating. Eventually I got the strength to say its over and I cut him off... he called me obsessively but I stuck to my guns. Its been a over a week now and he has been having a hard time coping with this. The last time I spoke to him he was very remorseful and brought up a lot of situations that he realized he was being abusive and agrees that I deserved better. He says that he will do anything for me and wishes he could have one more chance. He sounds very honest and VERY hurt... I do still love him but I don't want to get back together just to get the same old crap... can he really change? How long should I wait to take him back and what should I do first?

poseidon · Feb 7, 2007, 01:55 AM

Hello justagirl22,

This reminds me of the adage 'A leopard can't change its spots'. Whilst I don't agree with it, I do believe it is extremely difficult and he will really want to change.

I am wondering what this person wants. Does he miss you, or miss the way he feels he can treat you?

I have always been a believer in giving someone a second chance, but that's it. If you do allow him back in your life and he changes, all well and good, but if he does not, no matter how much it hurts you, you owe it to yourself to end the relationship completely.

You say he is having a hard time coping. If he has been treating you in the way you describe, it is his fault and he brought it on himself.

Don't allow him back into your life simply because you feel sorry for him. If you intend to get back together with him are you sure that after a short while he is not going to slide back into his old self?

If you have any doubts whatsoever, let him go now and tell him you do not want him contacting you and that you want to make a clean break.

It may be hurting you at the moment, but believe me, you will get over it. There are plenty of guys out there who will care for you and treat you in the way you should be treated.

Good luck.

Cy
(Poseidon)

chuff · Feb 7, 2007, 02:36 AM

Originally Posted by justagirl22

i do still love him but i don't want to get back together just to get the same old crap...can he really change? how long should i wait to take him back and what should i do first??

Can he change. The answer is Yes.

But that begs the question has he changed. And for how long. He might be able to keep it up for a week or month but can he make it permanent? He's going to say he can, and maybe he can, but you need to ask him how he's going to make the changes stick and not fall back into his old ways.

I think you should give him some time right now and during that reevaluate your own life and decide what it is your looking for. You might be surprised to find out that it's not him anymore.

phoenix1664 · Feb 7, 2007, 04:11 AM

I think a person can change as they say you never know what you have until you lose it he might have taken you for granted but now that he has lost you he might now know how much you actually mean to him,

Granted he might be doing it out of convenience but in the long run it is your decision if you do get back with him make it on your terms not his.

Just remember it is your life you live it how you want to, I hope it works out for you good luck for the future.

talaniman · Feb 7, 2007, 06:07 AM

Usually when a person is unhappy they should take their time and take a long hard honest look at themselves and what makes them happy. It makes no sense to wait for someone to change, because you never know if they will or will for change for the better. This is your time for you, so I would try and make the most of it, and not worry about the past right now.

blackfire · Dec 17, 2007, 01:52 AM

Firstly, I think you need a vacation. Seriously, just two weeks to clear your head and get away from it all. Then think about if you really did love him, if you did how about giving him a second chance?

But I think it's better if you start from the beginning, as in 'Hi my name is ___' That way you can see if he really has changed, and if he hasn't then I think you'd be better off with somebody else