[helpnow]

I have been dating a guy for a little over 2 weeks. It has been going great. There is a lot of chemistry and I enjoy his company. So 2 days ago I get a text from a girl saying that he had been living with her up until a week ago. At first when I approached him about this he denied it all together. The "ex" is completely psychotic. It is obvious she is emotionally unstable and upset that he broke off whatever they had going. So I talked to him yesterday and he said that yes he'd been living with her at her parent's house. He was in between residences and it had been a temporary situation... while he was living there they were doing the whole friends with benefits thing. I told him that until she is out of his life we have nothing further to discuss. He showed up at my house tonight with a peace offering and wanted to just lay out the whole embarrassing truth. He said that they had slept together within a couple days of him and I first going out. I was really upset to find this out... but from his point of view we weren't in a platonic relationship when he'd slept with her. The following weekend him and I had slept together for the first time and he said that as soon as our relationship turned more serious he had told her he no longer wanted to continue anything physical with her. When he showed up tonight he told me that he has had an amazing time and feels that there is something with me that he has never felt before... and that I am the classiest girl he has ever dated. He is asking for my forgiveness and to have a fresh start. I told him I needed time to think about it. I don't know if I can trust him and that is no way to start a healthy relationship. But I also don't want to close the door yet... What do I do?

[vapo]

Well at least he was honest with you about the whole situation, maybe it was because he had no choice but at least he didn't attempt to make up some phony lies. I'd say give him a chance to prove himself.

[JBeaucaire]

First, platonic doesn't mean what you think it does. Platonic means "just friends".

Second, I'm not sure I would agree anything in this story represents "classy" behavior, either by you or by him. Sleeping with a boy this quickly represents a non-serious attitude about the whole sex issue. His actions appear to match your overall view about the lax standards for using sex, so getting mad at him for being easy sexually is sort of disingenuous.

I'm with you. This is NOT the way to start a trustworthy relationship... but I'm talking to YOU, too. I'm not just talking about him.

Closing doors doesn't seem to be your problem. Developing serious relationships appears to be the issue. But as far as I can tell from your brief story, you two are probably both equally immature in this respect (not meant as an insult, just an observation). So, it's perfectly reasonable to expect you COULD salvage all of this, but only with a fair attitude.

Having sex and THEN considering your relationship "turning serious" is really backwards, don't you think? And how in the world can you seriously consider ANYTHING serious after two weeks? Seriously, how? This is the danger of sex. It can give you a FALSE sense of how serious things are, when at best it is just sex, especially this fast.

Passion... I get that. Attraction... understandable. But it is the slow burning heat that lasts. If you keep throwing all your fuel on the fire and jumping in to the blast, your heat will ALWAYS burn out quickly. That's not what you want, is it?

Of course not.

So, take a deep breath. Don't be so fatalistic about any of this, and reconsider the order in which you proceed through these dating steps. Sex, especially, should be a culmination point in your relational journey, something a man earns after MONTHs of proving himself to you, something that should be one of the final stages of a life bond process.

So far, you're both acting like it's a recreational event like grabbing an ice cream. It's not.

[imzz46]

It is never easy starting a relationship with a messy situation. It positions you to question the type of relationship you would end up having if it continued to get more serious in the future.

If you really do like him and if you trust him then it wouldn't hurt to give it another shot. But, if you think that there are untrustworthy characteristics about him then perhaps it's best to let it go.

You need to work out what is best for you and what is going to make you happy! :)

[starbuck8]

Having Sex before a relationship, is like putting the "cart before the horse!!" Then if you want to add garbage to the cart and make the horse push it up the hill over rocks and a bumpy road, then by all means, give him a second chance.

In other words, you better be prepared for anything that comes your way in this so-called relationship. In a mere TWO weeks, he has lied to you, which shows you his character. He has told you the other girl is psycho, but slept with her a week or so ago, and doesn't have a problem with slamming her to you! BIG RED FLASHING LIGHT! He lived with her and her parents... still flashing!! He told you that you're the classiest girl he's ever dated? Now is this a compliment to you?. or is this a reflection on him? I would pick the latter! What he is saying to you is... I have dated unclassy girls, and I have no problem with lying and have no control of myself. Have more pride in yourself! This guy gives out the classic lines! It's the old hook and reel thing... and maybe he can get a few more perks out of the deal too, if his worm is big enough to bring in the big fish!

My guess is that he is a player, his girlfriend found out, and called him on it, and the parents are ready to kick him out! He is probably looking to you for his next victim, and possibly a place to stay! Do you honestly think he is telling you the whole truth? He has other motives, and it's obvious.

Yes, close the door girl. You're only two weeks in. Get rid of him before he can do anymore damage!

[helpnow]

Well to clarify we still aren't in a relationship... just in the beginning stages of seeing each other... sex before being involved in a serious relationship is a matter of choice... I don't think that there is a universal rule that is you should only become physical after months of dating. I am not correlating sex = serious relationship. When I said things became more serious I meant emotionally. After about three dates is when I started to see it as more of a potential for long term. But putting all of that aside... I actually went with him last Saturday to sign the lease of his new apartment so he does have new residence. The psycho ex admits that it was a friends with benefits thing but she still has feelings for him regardless. His comment of saying I am the classiest girl he has ever dated. Well number one, I take great offense to the person that says that because I slept with him that makes me not classy. And number two, I didn't really take that comment as a compliment to me but more a revelation about his past. I do definitely see warning signs that MAY mean I shouldn't pursue anything further... Logically I know I should not walk but run... but something about him is keeping from making that decision just yet. I am not ready to continue seeing him either. I guess I am just in a very contemplative state.

[talaniman]

Two weeks is hardly enough time to put a lot of trust, and faith, in someone you don't know, and especially given the fact, he was sleeping with someone else only a week ago, relationship or not.

At least you can see a lot of red flags, so watch yourself, as what he says may not match what he does, and you won't know until you know him a whole lot better.

What makes you think because his rap is sweet, and the sex is good, you aren't just another benefit for him????

I bet that psycho ex(?) wasn't as psycho as he says. You would do well to pay attention, and not let chemistry be the only thing that guides your actions, no matter if the sex was casual and platonic.

[Romefalls19]

If I learned anything about chemistry at school it's that one wrong move and it blows up in your face, even when you think you followed everything right


::At least my eye brows finally grew back::

[helpnow]

I think I just need time to think things over and take it slow with him... At this point there are too many things I am questioning so maybe friendship is the way to go for the time being.

[helpnow]

So we have been taking it slow and guess what happens...

the ex wouldn't stop calling me or him. We both decided to change our numbers. Then guess what happens... she friggin keyed every panel of my car with the letter X and squiggly lines... I mean EVERY panel. I think its confirmed... SHE IS PSYCHO!!

We both filed restraining orders this week. Holy Crap I cannot believe some people are capable of this kind of behavior.

[ZoeMarie]

Have more pride in yourself! This guy gives out the classic lines!

I went to agree with you and I don't know what happened but it cut off my comment. It did sound to me like he was just feeding her lines.

That's all I got. It sounds like you're getting some good advice already, just be careful.

[plonak]

You guys haven't even dated for a month and already you're dealing with drama.. RED FLAG!!

Take this from someone who dated a drama king.. he thrived in drama and it made my life miserable..

I HIGHLY recommend that you put more thought into this before your feelings get really strong for this guy.. then it will make it THAT MUCH HARDER to leave him when you realize he isn't right for you..

Why destin yourself for heartbreak down the road? Listen to your gut.. IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!

[bigbird213]

Looks like he might have had her pegged as a psycho huh? Sorry to hear that happened to your car.

Regardless, I think it's a wise decision to proceed as friends, though I'm a little concerned with your definition of friends. Now, I don't want to assume, but I would hope that as friends, things are staying platonic, otherwise calling yourself friends is basically meaningless...

Good luck.

[helpnow]

We have been hanging out and doing things together... but I told him until I feel comfortable and she is out of the picture that we won't be intimate. He completely understands and has been respecting that.

[helpnow]

And I am listening to my gut... I am a firm believer in that philosophy... however my gut is telling me that I should give it some more time. I have been through what he is going through in the past with an ex... so I guess I empathize with him and I can't ignore how I feel when I am with him. When someone kisses you and you want to melt that is a big deal to me... doesn't happen to me every day so I want to see it through... with caution of course.

[helpnow]

Oh and I should add that my car getting keyed... he instantly stepped up to the plate without hesitation and said he'd pay for my deductible to get it fixed. Also I don't have rental car coverage and since he has a motorcycle and a truck said I could use his truck to commute while my car is in the shop. I really appreciate that the drama this girl is bringing as much as it is his fault it's there in the first place at least he is manning up to it being his fault and making every attempt to remedy the situation.

[plonak]

And he should very well be paying for it..

You're the only judge of the situation.. but before you get all huffy, remember you asked us for our advice.. we're just doing what you asked of us..

[Bonnie46]

Be careful. I think I would not only LOSE the ex-girlfriend, but I would also LOSE the guy. Unfortunately - he is tied to her in some respect. If you want him, she comes with the territory - even if he wants to move forward without her. Too much DRAMA.

Classic male line: "something with me that he has never felt before"

Fyi - I'm MARRIED, and my husband is a doll - he loves me to the end of the earth and back - but even my HUSBAND doesn't say meaningless crap like that. He's feeding you a line for the attention.

You offered up sex way way WAY too soon.


"His mistake and stupidity for "living" with her at her parents house. Why can't he live at his OWN parent's house??

This is a sketchy bad situation from every angle. Lose the guy - you won't regret it.

[helpnow]

I just don't want to do that. I don't want to punish him for her being psychotic. We work together in IT in Seattle... his parents house is about a 2 hour ferry ride away. He didn't know anyone locally to make commuting to and from work less of a hassle. I do think that maybe yes I gave it up to soon. But no going back on that now... I'm not sleeping with him presently. I guess I just need more time to make that determination of whether he is a "drama king." If he is then yes I will gladly tell him we need to stop seeing each other. However I believe that there may be truth to it just being he got involved with a drama queen and had trouble escaping it. No amount of advice can really tell me what I need to hear. All will be clear with time. I'm usually a pretty good judge of character and he is a good guy... just made some bad choices.

[starbuck8]

Well I would suggest that if you are going to give him a chance to prove himself, then give enough time. Not just a few weeks, but several months or more, and watch his "actions" VERY closely. See how he acts when you get in an argument, see what happens when he has plans with you and his friends call and want him to go clubbing, see how he treats his family, see how he interacts with children... etc. A mans everyday actions are very telling.

You are in the "honeymoon" stage of your "friendship" right now, so he will be on his best behaviour, and so will you. You will probably let him get away with more things than you would if he was your "boyfriend", and there were things that you "expected" from him. If he starts doing things that you don't like, you had better tell him, because that won't change unless you have an understanding between the two of you.

I would still tred lightly here.