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ISneezeFunny · Jul 18, 2008, 09:52 PM

I think you most definitely should leave some quality time for your friends, not to mention yourself. I know where you're coming from. I used to be that guy... I spent every dinner with my girlfriend, spent every weekend with her, etc. When our relationship ended, I realized I shut off most of my friends, and I didn't do ANYTHING I enjoyed for the past 3.5 years.

Don't be that guy. Be there for your girl if you can. If you can't, she's a big girl... she can handle herself. Go hang out with your buddies once or twice a week, and leave time for yourself two to three times a week. Even if it's not going somewhere, but maybe going to the gym... sitting around at home watching a show you like, maybe even just sitting in your room listening to music... we all need our own time; I realized this really late, and just now realizing how important that truly is.

jrsg · Jul 18, 2008, 09:53 PM

I have tried to tell her to go to the police, and I have tried to convince her counseling coud help.

I don't know what else I can do though.

I think that is all I can do. I could report it, but it isn't really my story to tell. I think that would be a MAJOR invasion of her personal life. All I can do is give her my opinion, and try to convince her to do the right thing.

jrsg · Jul 18, 2008, 09:59 PM

Thanks, for helping me realize that now. I am only 16, and I'm sure I will have many more relationships in the future. I think if I follow your advice (to give time to myself, buds, etc.) that my future relationships will be much more enjoyable.

If I'm lucky, I can find a girl with common interests. That way we can do things together that WE enjoy. Of course, I'll still leave time for me and friends.

I guess ultimatly, as long as I am happy, I am not 'whipped'.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 18, 2008, 10:03 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

I guess ultimatly, as long as I am happy, I am not 'whipped'.

Perfect.

Chery · Jul 19, 2008, 03:57 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

Thanks guys,
For the advice, support, just everything.

Welcome dear.

The truth is, right now, I don't really know what I want, or what is best for me... I plan to let life takes its course.

Hey, JR... this is exactly what it all boils down to for all of us. We experience, assess, accept and go on. Nobody carries a crystal ball - we can set goals and make plans, but there are not guarantees - not for any of us.

So, go out there and be human, don't analyze everything right from the start, and stay optimistic.

I think it's good that even though she let you down in many ways, that you will be her friend and maybe you might even help her change her flighty ways.. as a friend.

Stay with us dear, and keep us posted. Until then, continue with your life and have some fun too.

katie609 · Jul 21, 2008, 09:27 AM

Maybe you should sit down and talk to her, tell her that you love her and would never do anything like that to her and just explain that to her.
She should probably see someone about this, because its really hard and confusing

jrsg · Jul 21, 2008, 01:28 PM

I wish I could sit down and talk to her right now. I needed to give her some time to herself first. She is now on a 4 week vacation in British Columbia, and won't be back until mid-August. I will hopefully be able to sit down and talk to her. The 4 weeks will be plenty of time for both of us to think about things ourselves. We can finally talk when she gets back from BC.

Thanks for the advice, Katie609.
But I would like your opinion (and others opinion) on one other thing;
I want her back. BUT, I don't want to pressure or guilt her into coming back to me when she isn't comfortable with it. I know you can't 'convince' someone to love you, but can I convince them to trust me, and convince them that we can get through it together?

When we sit down to talk, should I focus on getting her help? Or on getting us back together? Or both? Right now, I think her getting help is definitely of a higher priority, but I would also like to make a part of the conversation about us getting back together. I am pretty sure I can balance the conversation out.

But, can I convince her to trust me? Can I convince her that we can get through this together? Or should I just give her space, and not even ask? She also said that one of the reasons she broke up with me was because she can't do anything 'physcial' voluntarily for a long time. I don't need to do anything physical though. I love her for her, not for her body or anything like that. Do I tell her this? And ask if she wants to get back together and deal with what happened together?

katie609 · Jul 21, 2008, 02:12 PM

You need to realize, that its not you. It's the fact that she got molested.. well I'm sure you know that
But anyway, she most likely isn't going to want to talk about it because she's really confused and lost right now even if it has been a few weeks, so I think you should focus on one thing at a time , maybe not necessarly getting her back or getting her help yet, but try to comfort her . Send her cute little texts or maybe just smile at her from across the room. You deffinitly don't want to ask her to get back together yet, its too soon. But once she starts to get comfortable around you again then sit down with her and tell her that you can get through it together and that you don't need anything physical right now and all that. If she's still not comfortable with you, focus on getting her help..

JBeaucaire · Jul 21, 2008, 04:40 PM

There's nothing wrong with being "whipped" if your relationship is a mutually beneficial one. There are SO many kinds of people, a guy dating a "needy" girl may need to be a leadership type, a guy dating a controlling girl may need to be "whipped" to be happy together.

Dating is about finding someone you're compatible with in a way that makes sense. Most of your relationships will end because this is simply not true. Have fun in the meantime until it becomes evident you can't be happy being "whipped" by the girl you're dating.

My wife of 23 years is VERY independent. In many parts of our life together I would describe myself as "whipped" to her control, and she would disagree, hehe. In other ways, I take the lead.

It's all about balance. Happiness isn't about the girl you're with, it about how you feel about YOURSELF and the life you're leading, including how you are with the girl. It's about you. Being whipped is fine if everything is working well.

jrsg · Jul 21, 2008, 05:05 PM

Thank you

hjpan · Jul 22, 2008, 12:04 PM

You need to find this guy and either:

A: beat the crap out of him.
B: get the police and get him out of the streets

For the girlfriend, motivate her and help her out.

smokedetector · Jul 22, 2008, 12:34 PM

hjpan

While the ideal situation is the guy goes to jail, it may cause more harm than good for the OP to take that into his own hands. That is completely up to the ex girlfriend to do, especially since without her testimony or rape kit, etc, the guy would be hard to convict. It could cause resentment with the ex girlfriend as well. I don't suggest it without her permission.

hjpan · Jul 22, 2008, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by smokedetector

hjpan

While the ideal situation is the guy goes to jail, it may cause more harm than good for the OP to take that into his own hands. That is completely up to the ex girlfriend to do, especially since without her testimony or rape kit, etc, the guy would be hard to convict. It could cause resentment with the ex gf as well. I don't suggest it without her permission.

The OP needs to convince her enough that life isn't joyful. But putting some dipsh*t behind bars for a crime committed is best.

jrsg · Jul 22, 2008, 05:25 PM

hjpan,
Believe me, I already asked who. If I got my hands on this guy, he wouldn't be able to walk away. She doesn't even know who did it. And, she probably wouldn't want me to anyway, she is way too forgiving to want to do something like that to someone. She also doesn't want to testify against him, so SD is right, as he will be hard to convict even if the police do get him.

- The police aren't an option to her right now. As much as anyone can tell her, she isn't going to the police.
- Chances are, I won't find this guy. So no vigilante justice. But if I do...

I really don't believe scum like him should even be on this earth. He is just a waste of life. To prey and force themselves on a defensless girl is disgusting. I don't understand how anyone can do that. But anyway, I can only really ask how I can help her emotionally, and how I can help her get through this. No outside help (which I am still trying to convince her to change that).

Thanks for the advice guys

hjpan · Jul 22, 2008, 06:44 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

hjpan,
Believe me, I already asked who. If I got my hands on this guy, he wouldn't be able to walk away. She doesn't even know who did it. And, she probably wouldn't want me to anyway, she is way too forgiving to want to do something like that to someone. She also doesn't want to testify against him, so SD is right, as he will be hard to convict even if the police do get him.

- The police aren't an option to her right now. As much as anyone can tell her, she isn't going to the police.
- Chances are, I won't find this guy. So no vigilante justice. But if I do...

I really don't believe scum like him should even be on this earth. He is just a waste of life. To prey and force themselves on a defensless girl is disgusting. I don't understand how anyone can do that. But anyways, I can only really ask how I can help her emotionally, and how I can help her get through this. No outside help (which I am still trying to convince her to change that).

Thanks for the advice guys

Rebuild her through outside activities...
Go out together.. eat, watch movies, shop...

jrsg · Jul 22, 2008, 06:53 PM

Yeah,
Thanks, I will do that.

The only justice that is attainable right now is to help her get better, like it never happened. So as long as she comes out of this okay...

hjpan · Jul 22, 2008, 07:00 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

Yeah,
thanks, I will do that.

The only justice that is attainable right now is to help her get better, like it never happened. So as long as she comes out of this okay...

At least you're not going to be rebuilding people with permanent damage..

I'll be working in the medical field where people either lost their arm, leg, muscle tendon etc.

It's depressing and stressful, but I realize encouragement and helping others rebuild themselves is a way to help.

But... I laugh at myself cause I got three disagrees because my posts were 'too harsh' or 'too mean'... *sigh*
People can't take criticism =/~

jrsg · Jul 22, 2008, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by hjpan

At least you're not going to be rebuilding people with permanent damage..

I'll be working in the medical field where people either lost their arm, leg, muscle tendon etc.

Good Luck. :) You're doing good work.

Originally Posted by hjpan

But... I laugh at myself cause I got three disagrees because my posts were 'too harsh' or 'too mean'... *sigh*
People can't take criticism =/~

Lol. I know exactly what you mean. People never like to hear it like it is. It needs to be sugar coated. I think criticism is the best form of advice, you can apply it very easily. I have been criticized several times on this site, and although it can be tough to hear, it always helps.

Thanks for the advice

hjpan · Jul 22, 2008, 10:18 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

Good Luck. :) You're doing good work.

lol. I know exactly what you mean. People never like to hear it like it is. It needs to be sugar coated. I think criticism is the best form of advice, you can apply it very easily. I have been criticized several times on this site, and although it can be tough to hear, it always helps.

Thanks for the advice

Not at all :D

jrsg · Jul 24, 2008, 02:41 PM

Hey everybody,

I am recently out of an relationship, and I was watching a few movies to distract myself.

One of my choices: "The Secret." It explained how to have a dream life, (inlcuding a relationship). They say basically to only think of the positive, and be grateful for what you have, and to forget and NOT EVEN THINK about the cons or downsides to your partner/ relationship. If you forget about the bad parts of the relationship, they will go away.

I just wondered, has anyone here has seen this movie? If yes, do you think it actually works? I am willing to give it a try! But have any of you tried, and did it work? And do you agree with the principle of only focusing on the positive?