[mosesgt]

"Despair" is a strong term. If that is true, please seek help tomorrow AM from the school counselor or some one. I did not mean to indicate this was "typical" by any stretch. I'm going to bed- hopefully you can get some sleep also. I'll say a prayer for you before I drift off. God Bless amigo!
Ps:if it really gets real bad, 911 always gets you some help real fast!

[Geoffersonairplane]

I agreed with the first 2 responses and I think that the contact is tearing you apart. Like Skell, I have been through this too and in fact, when I was at your stage, he was one of the great people here on AMHD that helped me deal with my situation. I am 7 months post breakup and I can tell you, I found this website 2 months after the breakup and I was feeling very similar to you. I had the thoughts you had and I cried also and could not keep my mind on anything. The harder thing for you is that you still have contact with her and I broke this after 1 month.. It helps more than you realise, you can't be friends with this woman, not now and maybe never.

If you think you need counseling, then there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional, truth is, sometimes I think I could have done with doing this and as I say, nothing wrong with it at all.. They will be able to give you a fresh and positive perspective on the situation.

I rode my train alone with friends and family but it hurt so much but gain comfort my friend, that you are not alone, you are never alone, unless you want to be and although it may not seem like it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Look at me, I can tell you that I am sat behind this computer screen typing my response and I am more emotionally healthy than I was 5 months ago. I still have my down times but I feel much better. I see people on here that in my opinion have done it even better than I have but everyone is different and as long as you follow some basic rules, you will get through it, I promise you.

[sypher373]

Again, I'm back...
I feel that I have pushed her away by trying to explain my need for no contact (again) during an emotional state. I know that I have shown her a side of me she never saw, and I am afraid that I have done permanent damage to her feelings toward me as a person.

If I did push her away from me, does that necessarily mean that I have done permanent damage? Is it just a temporary anger and frustration that she feels towards me? I hate to think the last time we talk, I was a fool and made her angry, whereas every time before it was always ended on a good note. All I want to do is call and explain myself now that I am more rational, and less emotional - but I think I might be better off just leaving her be.

Would explaining myself and apologizing for the way I acted be worthwhile in reparing some of the damage I have done? Am I overanalyzing this and should just let her be, and her feelings aren't truly destroyed for me forever?

[Geoffersonairplane]

Sypher...

Leave her alone now. What ever she feels towards you will likely be temporary but what she thinks and feels about you should be irrelevant because it has nothing to do with your process of moving on and finding a life without her.

Close the door for a while and work on yourself. That door may then be closed forever in time to come.

[sypher373]

Sypher...

Leave her alone now. What ever she feels towards you will likely be temporary but what she thinks and feels about you should be irrelevant because it has nothing to do with your process of moving on and finding a life without her.

Close the door for a while and work on yourself. That door may then be closed forever in time to come.

Thanks Geoff,

Im just worried because it seems that its harder for me now then it ever was. I don't think I was this upset when we first broke up, which is why I was contemplating counseling. On that note, I called and made an apointment for Thursday, maybe they can put it in better perspective for me. All I want to do is stop obsessing about it.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Thanks Geoff,

Im just worried becuase it seems that its harder for me now then it ever was. I don't think I was this upset when we first broke up, which is why I was contemplating counseling. On that note, I called and made an apointment for thursday, maybe they can put it in better perspective for me. All i want to do is stop obsessing about it.

That is a good move Sypher.. You have a good positive attitude..

If it helps, read back on my first thread too and you can see how I was feeling and the good advice I got too.

Here is a link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html

Also.. By keeping yourself busy, this will help you try and stop obsessing!

[sypher373]

Just an update (and I know I'm on here a lot, reading responses really helps me keep it all in perspective, thanks again)

I think I'm starting to make a little bit of progress. Ive realized that no matter how much I told myself it was over, I was doing everything with the ulterior motive of getting her back.

She text messaged me this morning to see if I had talked with anyone else yet. I said I had not. She then said "okay, we can't talk anymore". I know I pushed a little bit, but I responded with "I was going to tell you tommorrow, but ill tell you now, good luck on your interview tommorrow. I hope your not telling me we can't talk becuase you are mad at me, and I still look forward to being your friend in the future". She responded, informing me that it is not because she is mad at me, thanked me for the good wishes on her job interview, and she is too looking forward to being my friend. I am trying to take all of this at face value, and not read into the way in which she said anything, or any hesitations it seemed she had. I know that she is honest, and if she was mad at me, I would know it. She is doing this for the benefit of both of us, and I am just too stubborn to accept that, and I see it as an offensive action. I am beginning to realize that she is being much stronger than I, and I need to follow suit before I hurt myself worse.

That said, I am not anticipating any further contact with her for quite some time. I think I have taken some steps towards eliminating any temptations... I have gone through my dorm and boxed up all my reminders - valentines cards, gifts, love notes, old ticket stubs, pictures from my wallett, and I have even burned all emails and text messages to a CD and delted them (I don't want to lose them forever). I have been tempted to check her AIM away message, or visit her myspace page, but I have been successful in stopping myself, because I know I will interpret her attempts at moving on as signs that she does not, and never did care about me and what we had. As has been said on these forums "I am comparing my insides to her outsides, and that isnt a fair judgement".

Now its time to wait. There is nothing I can do, but let time run its course, and hope I am feeling better soon. (I mean this in addition to what I have been doing - gym, TV, movies, hanging out with the guys as much as possible)

Thanks for listening

[Geoffersonairplane]

Just an update (and I know im on here a lot, reading responses really helps me keep it all in perspective, thanks again)

Do this as much as you like, venting on here and also helping others really helps and you can also identify with what others are going through.

I think im starting to make a little bit of progress. Ive realized that no matter how much I told myself it was over, I was doing everything with the ulterior motive of getting her back.

Its called Denial and I went through this.. Its really strange because looking at your situation reminds me so much of mine. Denial is totally natural by the way, part of the grief process you are going through.

She text messaged me this morning to see if I had talked with anyone else yet. I said I had not. She then said "okay, we can't talk anymore". I know I pushed a little bit, but I responded with "I was going to tell you tommorrow, but ill tell you now, good luck on your interview tommorrow. I hope your not telling me we can't talk becuase you are mad at me, and I still look forward to being your friend in the future". She responded, informing me that it is not becuase she is mad at me, thanked me for the good wishes on her job interview, and she is too looking forward to being my friend. I am trying to take all of this at face value, and not read into the way in which she said anything, or any hesitations it seemed she had. I know that she is honest, and if she was mad at me, I would know it.

Quit talking to her, remove her from your life completely.

I am beginning to realize that she is being much stronger than I, and I need to follow suit before I hurt myself worse.

Of course she is, she left you, she had done all her grieving probably far in advance of you. Reverse the situation and I bet she would be the weaker of you both. Being the one who is suddenly left behind is harder, I'm sure she hurt too but not as much as you, I am sure.

That said, I am not anticipating any further contact with her for quite some time. I think I have taken some steps towards eliminating any temptations...I have gone through my dorm and boxed up all my reminders - valentines cards, gifts, love notes, old ticket stubs, pictures from my wallett, and I have even burned all emails and text messages to a CD and delted them (i dont want to lose them forever).

Excellent.. Very positive action to take.

I have been tempted to check her AIM away message, or visit her myspace page, but I have been sucessful in stopping myself, becuase I know I will interpret her attempts at moving on as signs that she does not, and never did care about me and what we had. As has been said on these forums "I am comparing my insides to her outsides, and that isnt a fair judgement".

Excellent you read my thread about how this cat got killed by his curiosity.. LOL

For those who don't know what I am banging on about, the wise val gave me some useful advice..

Here is the link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...alk-47487.html

Post#4 from Valinors_Sorrow.

Now its time to wait. There is nothing I can do, but let time run its course, and hope I am feeling better soon. (I mean this in addition to what I have been doing - gym, tv, movies, hanging out with the guys as much as possible)

Not time to wait, but time to begin healing and time to move on and find a life without her..

Light is at the end of the tunnel I promise you! :)

[Geoffersonairplane]

agrees: Thanks for the support - thought that was chuff talking for a minute there :)

Yes, I can sometimes adopt the Chuff way of providing advice and with that in mind, Chuff is very good at this and he is a good voice of wisdom on AMHD and helped me immensely..

[SouthernBelle06]

No, you don't need therapy at this point. As others have stated, what you are feeling is normal. I know I went through it as most of us here on the site have. Now if you get to a point where you feel so low you may become self destructive... turn to drinking, drug abuse, food abuse, or start to think about harming yourself or others (her, this possible new guy), then yes, please seek help. You have to just give it time, as much as it sucks. It sounds like you are doing what you can to stay busy, which is great, and as others have suggested consider stopping this IM business with her. I think you are on the right track. Hang in there.

[sypher373]

Well its only been a few hours since I was here last, but I need to get some thoughts down out of my head.

I had a relatively easy time this afternoon, I was able to keep busy and didn't think so much about her and her possibly being with another kid. As the sun sets though, I can feel myself becoming insecure. I don't know what it is, but nighttime seems to be the hardest time. Maybe it is because we used to do most of our talking at night, as we both had class all day. In any case, I'm starting to worry because I can feel the thoughts of her and him creeping into the back of my mind. During the time in which we were talking (a few weeks back) she had been honest with me, as she thought knowing the facts would help me. I am trying to use the knowledge that he only "sort of" likes her, and that he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend to help me feel better.

Deep down, I know what I need is to stop being upset that she may move on, and just accept it as an inevitbility. I hate to think of her being with anyone else, especially in a sexual way. As I write this, I am kicking myself because I know she is a very smart person, and would not involve herself in anything which was risky, or that she was unsure of.

I guess I just can't help the thoughts that come into my mind. In any case, I am going to the gym now, going to play some cards with the guys later, and then probably go to sleep fairly early tonight. Sometimes I wish time would speed up.

I am also going to put a quote from tal at the bottom of the post, so when I reread it, I can read this post. This wasn't posted to me, though I found it in an old thread, and I have read it at least 10 times today. If I haven't been able to explain it, this is exactly what I am doing, and I know I need to stop...

Well you know what they say about ASSuming. Its so easy to fill in the blanks with our own insecurities, and hopes, and dream, with facts that just aren't there. How do you know your forgotten? She's having a great time without you? Why not ASSume she is looking for you in others and spinning her wheels with a lot of candidates that don't quite measure up?
ASSume nothing and worry about it less.

[Skell]

Sypher you have some great advice form Geoff here. Great stuff. Please listen to him. He, like me and everyone else know what it is like.

You really have to do your best though to get those crazy thoughts out of your head. Understand that no matter what you are thinking and worrying about her it doesn't make a difference to YOUR situation. None at all. The only thoughts that can help you are thoughts about YOU! Hard I know. Nearly impossible but you must try. I think you need to get out of the dorm and do something with friends. Even go somewhere alone where you know other people will be. Meet and talk to some new people.

Or put you runners on and go for a jog. I found that to be a great way to get all those stupid thoughts out of my head. Sitting at home alone isn't going to help much.

But you really really really need to cut all the contact! Please for the love of God no more text messages. I know your worried that it will push her away forever and that you may offend her but don't. Don't worry about that at all. If she is any sort of decent and respectful person she will understand that this is something you need to do. Its in your best interests. And if she can't accept that and it makes her mad then I hate to say it but she isn't really much of a person anyway. That would be a selfish and uncaring individual and someone your better off without.

I had the same thoughts. I still do sometimes. But I can tell you that it hasn't pushed my ex away forever. We aren't close friends. We very rarely see one another, only when we run into one another out and about and we never ever call or text each other. But when we do run into one another everything is fine. Things are tough now but good people understand when someone they loved is hurting and if they are truly good people they will want to minimise that pain for them. At least that is what my good person did for me and although it hurt like hell I can't thank her enough now for understanding that we needed to go our separate ways if we were to heal.

[sypher373]

But you really really really need to cut all the contact! Please for the love of God no more text messages. I know your worried that it will push her away forever and that you may offend her but dont. Dont worry about that at all. If she is any sort of decent and respectful person she will understand that this is something you need to do. Its in your best interests. And if she can't accept that and it makes her mad then i hate to say it but she isnt really much of a person anyway. That would be a selfish and uncaring individual and someone your better off without.

Skell,

I know that she can accept that, and she knows we need to stop contact. To be honest, when I was still talking to her she told me that she knows I couldn't handle the contact, and we needed some apart time to get over this. I am completely committed to no contact now, because I have finally realized there is no other way around it. I don't mean to repeat the same things in my posts, I just feel like if I don't get them out of my head, they won't go away.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but how exactly would you recommend me going out and just meeting people? I have a few friends on campus, though I usually hang out with them, and just them. I have always been quite shy, due to low self-confidence, which I am working on now. A lot of people have said meeting new people is a great way to get myself feeling better, I guess I'm just not sure how to do that...

Thanks for the input

[Skell]

Skell,

I know that she can accept that, and she knows we need to stop contact. To be honest, when I was still talking to her she told me that she knows I couldn't handle the contact, and we needed some apart time to get over this. I am completely commited to no contact now, becuase I have finally realized there is no other way around it. I dont mean to repeat the same things in my posts, I just feel like if I dont get them out of my head, they wont go away.

Good! Im sure you will start to notice a difference in your feelings and emotional state. You will still have many ups and downs and it will be tough at times and you will feel like breaking. But don't. Please don't. I can assure you it won't help you one bit.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but how exactly would you recommend me going out and just meeting people? I have a few friends on campus, though I usually hang out with them, and just them. I have always been quite shy, due to low self-confidence, which I am working on now. A lot of people have said meeting new people is a great way to get myself feeling better, I guess im just not sure how to do that...

Thanks for the input

No it doesn't sound stupid at all. It is a fair enough question and I am a lot like you. I am shy at first and quite reserved around new people. So someone giving advice like "just go out and meet new people" would be tough fpor me to follow too. Or at least it was. I am not good at it either. But I am a lot better now, and it is only through practice. Most people are generally good people. At least I think I can pick out the good ones from the bad. Down under here we are a pretty relaxed lot and will talk to anyone really. But it doesn't make it easier in the approach part. Just go to places (sporting events, bands etc.) that you enjoy and I'm sure you will see people there similar to you. It only takes the balls to say one thing to a stranger and the next minute your in a conversation with them. And if your at a place where you share similar interests then there are endless conversation starters. I know it sounds tough and it is, but hey, what have you got to lose? Nothing. At the moment I bet it feels like it can't get much worse for you so what's the harm in trying to improve your situation. It might be easier than you expect. It just takes a little courage and I'm sure you have that ion you. At least you have shown us you do by cutting contact with the ex.

[tikitime]

One problem I see ('cause I've been there) is that by constantly logging in and keeping a running dialogue going about the breakup, you aren't putting her out of your mind. Try skipping this place, and ALL computer usage for a day and get out in the real world.

I speak from experience when I say that depression following a breakup can be self sustaining if you let it..

I hope that did not sound too harsh, and maybe it's the only way for you to avoid the urge to call her /check up on her.. etc? :confused:

But maybe take up something that is not "self improvement " related, and just go do something FUN.. get in touch with old friends. Take a trip out of town.. That's always therapeutic.

[sypher373]

you can't just drop this like a heavy rock. i'm in a similar boat. don't try to plug the holes, just swim to shore. not sure if i said this before, but if you love her and she comes back, you're good. if not, it'll make you a stronger man, and you won't need her. i've changed allot in the last month. i've been called a psycho, extremest, dangorous, and other things i'dd rather not meantion.

Thanks Solid,
From what you've said, I know your situation must be quite similar. In reality, though the details are different, I suppose most people's situations are very similar. At least the solutions to these situations are quite similar. I do still feel that I love her, and that is why it hurts so much to think of her moving on. At this point, I need to stop assuming because it is causing me to obsess about things which may not even be true. I know that's ridiculous, and Im doing my best to stop.

Thanks

[grammadidi]

Let's remember the facts here.

Sypher's ex told him SHE WANTED TO BREAK UP. She said SHE DOES NOT FEEL FOR HIM AS SHE USED TO and SHE HAS FEELING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Finally, she said that she IS NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW.

Sypher feels he is 'obsessed' with her, that he knows he needs to adhere to 'no contact', he is 'scared' that he is not getting any better despite time passing. Thinking about the situation makes him feel sick to his stomach and he feels he needs professional help and worries that he can not handle this on his own.

Therefore, what Sypher needs to do is pay attention to his body and mind. He needs to stop ALL contact with her. He needs to seek professional help. He needs to find ways of coping with the void he feels and find something else to focus upon. He needs to talk about it, because holding it in only makes it worse. He needs to surround himself with people sympathetic to his needs who will encourage him to grow past this and to stick to the NC rules. He needs a way to function in a healthy way without this gal.

Sypher, did you see a counselor? Keep trying... don't give up... and STOP ALL CONTACT! Contact fills you with hope and prevents you from dealing with your issues. I don't know what your hobbies and interests are, but maybe you could join a group or something that focuses on one of your hobbies to help take your mind off things.

I am also a firm believer that when you give of yourself you grow emotionally. Consider some kind of volunteer work. You will meet some wonderful people and feel good about yourself at the same time. That will help tremendously. Give it a try!

Hugs, Didi

[sypher373]

Let's remember the facts here.

Sypher's ex told him SHE WANTED TO BREAK UP. She said SHE DOES NOT FEEL FOR HIM AS SHE USED TO and SHE HAS FEELING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Finally, she said that she IS NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW.

Sypher feels he is 'obsessed' with her, that he knows he needs to adhere to 'no contact', he is 'scared' that he is not getting any better despite time passing. Thinking about the situation makes him feel sick to his stomach and he feels he needs professional help and worries that he can not handle this on his own.

Therefore, what Sypher needs to do is pay attention to his body and mind. He needs to stop ALL contact with her. He needs to seek professional help. He needs to find ways of coping with the void he feels and find something else to focus upon. He needs to talk about it, because holding it in only makes it worse. He needs to surround himself with people sympathetic to his needs who will encourage him to grow past this and to stick to the NC rules. He needs a way to function in a healthy way without this gal.

Sypher, did you see a counselor? Keep trying... don't give up... and STOP ALL CONTACT! Contact fills you with hope and prevents you from dealing with your issues. I don't know what your hobbies and interests are, but maybe you could join a group or something that focuses on one of your hobbies to help take your mind off of things.

I am also a firm believer that when you give of yourself you grow emotionally. Consider some kind of volunteer work. You will meet some wonderful people and feel good about yourself at the same time. That will help tremendously. Give it a try!

Hugs, Didi

Thanks for the info didi,

And for everyone, I agree that the advice to not move in is wrong. Trust me, I will not fall back into the stages of waiting for her and seeing if she will come around. If she comes around, I want to be in a better emotional state, so I can make a rational decision as to whether anything can truly work between us... then or in the future.

An update as of this morning... She had called me, and I picked up. I know this probably wasn't the smart thing to do, but I am still worried about her. It was an innocent call, she was telling me that she had accepted the job she had the interview for. I simply told her that I was proud of her, and congratulations.

The problem comes with the fact that she was upset, and I knew it. Her voice was shaking and she was near tears. I asked her if everything was okay, and she explained that her mother is making her feel horrible about what she did to me (dumping me) and that she (her mom) does not agree with the decision at all. She even used the phrase "I wont forgive you for hurting him this much". (her mom can be a little on the excessive side). I did not get very invovled, just told her that I was sorry her mom was doing this to her, and that she already did what she did, so nothing can change that now anyway.

After the conversation, I was concerned that I should have ignored the obvious signs of her being upset, and left it to her to come to me for help. I should not have tried to make her feel better as she needs to know that I am not here for her.

Surprisingly, I feel quite okay after the conversation. I was having a rough morning, and it made me feel better. I am just concerned that I am only feeling better because I am interpreting her call as I know she did not mean it. I Don't WANT to think that this means she is thinking aobut me, or that anything AT ALL will change between us. In fact, I KNOW it doesn't mean any of this, I just hope I can stop my heart from thinking that way.

Since I decided we need to cut contact two days ago, she has contacted me both days. If this continues into tomorrow, I will need to remind her, maybe a little more sternly, that I need to cut contact with her in order to move on.

Just wanted to let you all know where I am at. I am feeling all right at this point, and I know my mood will swing, but I have an optimistic outlook on this.

Maybe I'm an idiot for picking up the phone at all, or maybe I'm an idiot for reaching out and trying to make her feel better. Im not sure - but either way I know I made a mistake somehow.

[Skell]

What part of no contact don't you get?

[sypher373]

What part of no contact dont you get?

I guess I just feel bad about ignoring her. I still have feelings for her, and I don't want to come across as a total a**hole. I guess I don't have a choice though.